Follow Up

Sorry it's taken me all day to update. For those of you concerned enough to check in today and not find an updated post, I'm sorry and thank you.

I went to my appointment this morning praying the entire way over there that there wasn't bad news. Praying for the strength to handle anything that was thrown my way. I was surprisingly calm through it all. And my blood pressure reflected that--120/80. But I was exhausted this morning that I got back home and took a nap. So that's why no update til now.

The NP came in and shared the results of the ultrasound with me. She said that everything looked fine. My labs came back normal as did the vaginal swab. The u/s showed that I had an enlarged uterus--whatever that means. She said the average ute was between 4-8 cm. Mine was 10cm. She went on to say that it wasn't a problem though, just the way it is. Like you being born with blue eyes.

One of my ovaries measured 5 cm, when the other was only 3cm. 3cm is the norm. There is an enlarged follicle measuring 2 cm hanging out in there. She says if I get my period in two weeks then it is just a follicle working it's way down. If I don't start my period then the follicle will turn into a cyst. She thinks that the pain I was experiencing was from a hemorrhagic cyst on my other ovary. Of course there's no way of knowing now because I had pain on days 15-17 and the u/s wasn't taken until 10 days later. Any evidence would be long gone.

So that's all I know. I'm supposed to wait and see if I get my period in two weeks or if I become pregnant. According to the u/s I was about to ovulate so we shall see. I'm not holding my breath though. If I don't start my period then I need to go back for another u/s so they can see what's going on. Until then I'm supposed to go on counting this as the same cycle and forget that I had bleeding last week.

In other related news, she said my uterus was REALLY high up and that I should prop a pillow under my behind after intercourse for 10 minutes. I was doing this before but I felt silly about it and was hiding it from Mr. H. But now, it's doctors orders :-)

"Stress Doesn't Make Babies"

So.... this month is a bust conception wise. How do I know that you ask? Well there's been no sex, that's why.

Mr. H and I are fine, that's not why we're not doing it just in case you were wondering.

I started my period on August 2 and ended on the 7th. I should have ovulated anywhere between days 14- and 18. I'm not quite sure when I do, but that's when I get peak readings. That also happens to be the same time of month that I feel like complete shit.

I've been getting really bad headaches that sometimes turn into migraines. Along with them comes nausea and all I want to do is sleep. So needless to say no sex on those nights either. Which is bad because that's when we should be doing it! So frustrating.

Then when we did have sex, I was extremely uncomfortable and in pain. It was normal sex, nothing outrageous (this is so weird to talk about...) but it hurt so we stopped. A couple days later we tried again and finished but still not fun for me. We haven't done it since and that was the 15th and 17th. Mr. H is getting anxious.

I made an appointment last Wednesday to see my Gyno then the very next day I started bleeding unexpectedly. I bled for 5 days like a normal cycle. But this throws me off because I don't know if I was ovulating then, or if I'm supposed to start counting from the first day of bleeding and call it a new cycle???

I went to the doctor on Monday and she did an exam and ordered a pelvic ultrasound. Except I had to go to another place to get the u/s because they were all booked up. I got off work early to go get an ultrasound and they couldn't do it because my bladder wasn't full enough, despite drinking the recommended amount of fluid, and they couldn't see anything.

I went back this morning with an uncomfortable-on-the-verge-of-painfully-full bladder. They did the ultrasound and the whole time the tech kept making faces. I know she was just concentrating but her face had a look of concern on it. I know they can't tell me anything about what they're seeing on the screen, but I asked if everything looked okay and all she said was, "I can't say anything" and that was that. So now I have to wait til Friday morning to get the results.

I'm scared. I convinced myself that I was pregnant and was miscarrying and didn't know it. That could be true if 1). We had sex! and 2). I were actually pregnant. I'm not. They did a test that came back negative. I've also convinced myself that I have lady part cancer. I don't know why, my mind just goes there. Really, what else could go wrong?

And on top of all that (yes, it does get worse) I had an allergic reaction to something of Thursday and started breaking out into hives. I've never had allergies so I don't know what is going on. I've been on meds since then but my skin is still really sensitive. I'm still itchy, my hands and feet are itchy and the slightest little scratch turns into red welts. It's not fun.

So that's what's going on with me. When I went to the Gyno the other day the nurse came in to take my blood pressure. I knew it would be up because I was nervous and had a lot going on in my mind. I told her this and she said,"stress doesn't make babies, you need to relax".

Well if I were already pregnant and my insides weren't hurting and I wasn't breaking out into hives maybe I could relax, you stupid jerk!

Their Names...

Written with Texas pecan tree branches. Thank you Kristi!


Spelled out with Maine blueberries. Thank you Katie!



In the sand on a California beach. Thank you Tina!



Written in blue on tree bark...


In orange on a fence...


In yellow on a bench...


In purple on bricks around a koi pond...


And a doggy "Remembering Sam". Thank you Nanny!


In colorful buttons...


and straight pins on fabric. Thank you Sophie!


I love and cherish them all. Thank you all for taking the time to remember my boys. I will never forget your generosity.

~Monica

My Summer Boy

At midnight we lit a candle for Sam. As I looked at the flickering flame I wondered if I should refer to Sam as a baby or a toddler. He'll forever be my baby but in my mind he's a rambunctious little boy.



I spent the better part of Friday baking and decorating this cake for Sam's birthday. I wanted to make him proud and I hope this cake does him justice. It's a 3 layer white and dark chocolate checkerboard cake frosted in a white chocolate buttercream and coated in a semisweet chocolate ganache.



I made butterflies and a dragonfly out of chocolate and candy melts using a method I found in this book.



Mr. H picked out these flowers to take out to Sam at the cemetery. I don't think they could have been more perfect. Sunflowers are the epitome of Summer. And since Sam was born on one of the hottest days of the year in 2006, I can't think of a more appropriate bouquet.



Here's the birthday boy with his flowers. They're not in this picture, but Monica took out a lovely bouquet and cards for both boys. Thank you sweetie.



My in-laws and little brother went with Mr. H and I to the cemetery. We sang happy birthday to him in 5 part harmony. Ha ha ha! If you could have only heard us. My in-laws (MIL) can't hold a tune in a bucket. It's so funny and we all end up laughing at some point during the birthday song no matter whose birthday it is. Bless her heart, she tries :-)



The sun was setting as we left the cemetery before heading to dinner. After dinner we devoured some cake and sang to him again.

We love you sweet boy. Happy 3rd birthday my toddler baby.

Hypothetical Question

I will do a post about Sam's birthday, but I have to get something off my chest:

Suppose you got an email from another (NON-DB mom) blogger. Suppose this email was sent on your child's 3rd birthday. And suppose in said email this person went on to tell you that they were envious of you. Envious for having your children already in heaven waiting for you instead of having to parent them in this "increasingly wicked world". Suppose this dip shit person was a new mother to a perfect infant boy. And suppose his name is Jack.

Suppose this all really happened. How would you respond?

Happy 3rd Birthday Sam

Sam,

My dear boy it seems just like yesterday when you were born. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you or your brother. I wonder what you'd be like. It's sometimes hard for me to imagine a 3 year old boy running around the house, but I can visualize it. I see you- so full of life and spirit.

I miss you so very much. I wish you were here in real life and not just a memory. I long to hold you and be your mother. It's hard to believe 3 years have passed by and even though your father and I have had many ups and downs, we wouldn't change a thing. You and Jack were meant to be our sons and we are so proud to be your parents.

Today I wish you a very special birthday my little boy. I love you with all my heart.

Always,
Momma

Brief

Before the day runs out I wanted to take a moment to remember...

James Travis

8/13/06

Not Mine

I almost forgot...

I got a call a couple weeks ago from a photography studio at a certain baby superstore. They asked to speak to me by name so I knew it wasn't a solicitation. The person proceeded to tell me about their photo packages and specials that they were running for the summer.

I listened then I asked her how she got my information and she told me who they were and where they were located. It didn't ring any bells with me and I could tell she was getting annoyed with me.

She then says, "well don't you have a family? It says here you have 2 boys." And I thought "how does she know that?" Then I remembered this picture.

She thought those boys were mine and I had to tell her those children did not belong to me.

Then she aked if I was still interested in taking advantage of their photo packages!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Also don't forget...

Saturday, the 15th, is Sam's 3rd birthday. I've been inspired by Carly and Sarah and I'm asking you all (if you want to) to write or spell out Sam's name, take a picture of it and E-MAIL it to me. Of course if you want to, you can do Jack's name too :-) You can go here, here or here for some inspiration.

Thank you.

De-Funked and A Request

Soooooo. What's up? How's it going? How are you?

Oh, you want to know how I am? Wanna know about the funk that I was so grumpy and dramatic about?

Well now that a few days have passed and I'm not so pissy I'll share. I'm trying to get over it, slowly but surely.

It all basically comes down to this cycle being a bust. I was 5 days late, then I started spotting on Sunday. I spotted for a couple days and it was faintly pink til it turned into a regular flow. I'm just irritated and frustrated.

August 1st marked 9 months. We've been trying for 9 months all for 9 more months. I just really thought this month was going to be successful. We had sex almost every other day. I propped a pillow under my butt after intercourse for 30 minutes at a time while Mr. H was showering so he didn't know I was doing it. I didn't want him to know I was so desperate. Now he knows because he's reading... (hi hon!). I'm still checking and charting cervical mucous as well as ferning. I just want it to happen already!

It took us 10 months to get pregnant with Sam. And ironically we started TTC on August 1, 2005. So really we've been at this for 4 years. Dang, that's a long time! I feel hopeful because this month could be our month, but then again I feel pressured to make it happen. I know if we don't conceive this month I will feel like a failure. I know I'm not. We're not failures but that doesn't mean I won't feel that way. I don't understand why things don't work the way they should!

That and I've been off of work for the last 5 weeks. LD and his family went home for the summer so I had some (unpaid) time off. I had to go back to work yesterday, though she tried to get me to go back earlier because she was so busy and had "so much work to do". I got to work yesterday and she asked me to stay late. I agreed, only for her to leave to go shopping with her family that's visiting. She just gets on my nerves.

Yesterday, August 5th, was Jack's due date. I don't really know what else to say about it, other than I just miss him so much and wish he were here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Next Saturday, the 15th, is Sam's 3rd birthday. I've been inspired by Carly and Sarah and I'm asking you all (if you want to) to write or spell out Sam's name, take a picture of it and E-MAIL it to me. Of course if you want to, you can do Jack's name too :-) You can go here, here or here for some inspiration.

Thank you all for listening, reading, emailing and being there for me.

I'm Supposed To Be Happy

I'm in a funk. A big one. And I care not to talk about it at the moment so I'm going to do a meme that Sarah tagged me with on things that make me happy.

Here are the rules:

1. Mention and link back to the person that tagged you. (check)

2. List 6 little things that make you happy! (check)

3. Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know "They're it". (if you want to do it, consider yourself tagged).

This is tougher than I thought because I'm not in the greatest or happiest of moods. I was hoping this would make me think about all the good things I have in my life- it not. I keep going there. (dig deep Monica, dig deep!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

1. Mr. H- He's (mostly) patient with me and supportive of all I do. Though he's told me I'm not allowed to use the "high heat method" to roast chicken anymore :-) Something to do with smoke alarms and such...

2. Sam and Jack- Though that's a given. I love them with all my heart. And then some.

3. Autumn- When I'm sad or down or just so-so, she does something to make me laugh. She's such a goof ball and a hairy lover. And she never complains- gotta love that!

4. August- Because he's such a little stinker and he gives Mr. h attitude when he tries to feed him or change his litter box. But he so lovable with me. Except for that one time when he bit my boob!


5. My friends- Because they try to understand and they're there for me. They let me know I'm not forgotten. Thank you.

6. Blogging/Baking/Photography- It fills up my off time and it keeps me busy. In turn I've made a lot of online friends who have been far more supportive than I ever thought possible.

There, that wasn't so bad.