Presence

I realize it's been a couple weeks since I last posted but it's not like anyone reads this anymore anyway, well except for maybe two of you. Thank you Kristi and Nanny for checking in one me. I've had a lot going through my mind the past week or so but the thoughts have been my own. I felt fine keeping them to myself ...sort of.

I have emailed a couple friends and I confided in another friend in person. At this point I don't really want or need to talk about what's going on but I felt I owed you (or the vast universe) an update. So here I am. Hello. how are you?

I find myself really thinking about the boys lately. I've always associated the signs of Fall- pumpkins, Autumn leaves and Halloween with Jack. I've never understood why I connected the two because Jack was born in February. But I think the connection is rather obvious now that I think of it.

We found out we were pregnant with Jack right after Halloween 2006. Right after this picture was taken :-) His name is part of Jack-o-lanterns and every time I see one or hear someone say the word, I think of my boy.

In fact when we went to pick out our pumpkins last week and I was so excited to be there. Pumpkins in all their orange globe glory make me smile. When we walked into the pumpkin patch there was a woman taking a picture of her two boys on the hay stacks with the mini pumpkins. that was a little rough, but I turned a blind eye and walked to the other side to find my perfect pumpkins. Then I heard that same woman call for her son "Jack" to come sit with his brother to take a picture. That was a stab in the heart and a few tears were shed in the middle of the pumpkin patch.

Then of course there's always the blog that you click on only to find out she's pregnant with a boy named Sam who's due at any moment now.

I have a hard time deciphering between the presence of my sons and the world just being a cruel place.