6 By Me

1. In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after?

Before: Whole

After: Broken

In one picture, this represents my before and after.

2. How do you feel around pregnant women?

Envious. Sad. Worried. Jealous. Mad. Angry. Hurt. In all honesty, it doesn't bother me now as much as it used to. I wish I were pregnant, but more than that I want the baby that comes after pregnancy. There are times when I want what they have, and there are times I wish they would just go away. It's not so much that I am angry about seeing or being around pregnant women, I just MISS my boys so much when those women do have their babies. I realize what I don't have and my heart aches.

3. How do you answer the 'how many children' question?

I guess it all depends on the situation and my mood. There are times when I need to talk about them and times when I don't want to be sad so I don't mention them. I don't really get the "how many?" question very often, though. And for that I am grateful.

4. How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?

My little brother is 13, but he was 11 when Sam died. I was in the hospital very early Tuesday morning and my mom called home to tell Aaron what had happened. He cried and said, "Damn it!" I think he understood what was happening though I never said a word to him. He saw the pain written all over my face and he knows what death is. When he saw Sam's lifeless body in the hospital for the first time he questioned why he looked the way he did. We told him it was because he was born way too early and wasn't fully formed. He never asked any questions after that.

For any future children we may have, they will definitely know about Sam and Jack. They will not be denied a "relationship" with their brothers. I had an older sister that was born prematurely and died a few hours after birth. To this day, I don't really know much about her. I want to know her story. I feel cheated. She did exist, but it's like she didn't. I can't and won't do that to my children- dead or alive.

5. What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?

I am definitely not done with baby making. Although I'm sure Mr. H would be a lot less anxious if I were. He wants more children, but he doesn't know how to get past the pain in order to try again. I don't know how I will get through it, but I know I'll have help with a cerclage. Emotionally, I know I'll be a wreck but as long as a baby is born alive (and stays alive) at the end if it, I'll get over it. Of course, blogger support and prayers will be needed as well.

6. Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?

This one really stumped me...hmmm. This one is hard for me because I don't really remember anyone saying anything really supportive after Sam died. I'm not saying that they didn't say anything, I just don't remember it. If I were offering words of comfort to someone who had just experienced their first loss, I would say that everything will get better. But it doesn't always.

All I can say now is "I'm sorry."

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This meme comes from Glow In The Woods. Check out other deadbaby momma's responses here. I'm not going to tag anyone this go round, but feel free to answer these 6 questions in the comment section or on your own blog. If you do this meme let me know so I can be sure to read it :-)