Too Much

I've had a lot on my mind lately and haven't felt like really writing about any of it. Some of it is the same ol' stuff- just more of it, and some of it is just morbid and I'm afraid to talk about it.

It's all too much to deal with at times and I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to return when the storm has passed and the rainbow fills the sky. I know, we all know, this won't happen.

* Mr. H and I have talked about returning to therapy. We went weekly for 4 consecutive months last year after Jack died. It helped, but then my insurance ran out and we were having to pay out of pocket so we stopped going. But we attended 2- 6 week support groups with a different grief counselor that seemed to do some good. We've been trying to work things out on our own, but it's not working. We're surviving, but we're getting no where. Mr. H has an appt. tomorrow to try to help him work out his grief so we can try again. I am so proud of him.

* I moved the sonogram picture further to the right of the fridge so it's not so in my face. It helps a bit. Rachel suggested I turn it over while I'm there, but I can't do that. She works from home and walks to the fridge, she'd notice it was turned over. I can't ask her to allow me to turn it over and I can't ask her to take it down. If someone asked me to do that, I would be devastated. Yes, she knows my circumstance, but I can't ask her to do that. It would be great if she offered, but that's not gonna happen. So I'm trying to be okay with it pushed to the right side of the fridge.

* LD's mom (as mentioned above) came in the living room rubbing her belly the other day. I tried to avoid looking at her, but I could still see out of the corner of my eye. She was complaining that she's getting "so big" and her clothes aren't fitting her anymore. Let's call the whambulance! I keep suggesting she put a robe on so I don't have to see her (and because she's cold all the time) but she's not going for it. I might just buy her a robe- a big one. Almost tent-like.

* My FIL was recently diagnosed with d.ementia. His father had alz.heimers, and his mother also has d.ementia and is in a nursing home. My MIL is really scared. She has known about his deteriorating condition for some time now, but like all of us, denial reigns. She avoided having him tested until a couple weeks ago. He had an MRI and a cognitive test done- both of which didn't look so good. He forgets things. Things he just did or said less than 5 minutes ago. He'll open a piece of mail and read it entirely and swear he's never seen it before. He may appear to be the same person. He still has a wise-ass sense of humor. He looks and acts the same, but his mind is deteriorating. There is medication he can take to slow the deterioration process down, but there's no guarantee it will work. My MIL, a very strong woman, emotionally and mentally, is realizing her future and she's devastated. She called me crying yesterday- something she's never done before in the 9 1/2 years I've known her.

* I spoke to my grandma yesterday for a split second. Not much was discussed, but I heard from her again today. Still she said nothing. My aunt called me to fill me in. She has l.ymphed.ema. This is not good. Because she is a smoker and a d.iabetic, she is healing at a much slooower pace. She had surgery April 1st. Her scar is very gnarly. She has excess tissue that is bumpy and puckered. It's not smooth and flat. She went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and the doctor (plastic surgeon) cut away the excess dead tissue that was forming on her breast as well as removed the drainage tube. She has been bandaging her breast 3x daily, because she's still leaking fluid. This is not abnormal. Because she smokes and has done so for 50 years! and because she's d.iabetic her wounds and illness take forever to heal. That means that she still has an open wound. According to my aunt, you can see straight into her breast. The doc has given her one month to stop smoking and is better monitoring her blood sugar. I don't know what will come of this. I don't know what the next step for her is. But I do know there isn't any infection and the doc is taking care of her. On the upside, she doesn't have to do c.hemo or r.aditation.

* Back in November, Mr. H went to a u.rologist for some pain he was experiencing...this was the doctor's office that belonged back in the 1960's (for which I did go back to to take pics- you knew I would!)... Anyway, was still having pain, and went back to this doctor who did an ultrasound and ran labs and prescribed him some antibiotics. They didn't find anything abnormal, and the antibiotics seemed to help. Except he doesn't have chronic pain- he doesn't hurt at any specific time- it's random. So we don't know that the antibiotics really contributed to anything. Well all these months later, he's still having some pain. So we're going to get a second opinion tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully he can offer us some helpful insight as to why he is in pain or maybe even "fix" him. Hey, there's a thought.

Okay, I'm done. Not really, I still have a lot on my chest but I don't feel like I can share- not here anyway. I may talk about it in the future and I may not, but at least I lifted the weight.