"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Checking In

Yesterday was Sam's 6th birthday. It didn't don on me til I was talking to my grandma the other day that he would be going to school this year and that made me so sad. We should be picking out crayons and bag packs and Batman lunch boxes. 


I know I am so blessed to have Hayden in my life and he does a great job and keeping my mind busy so I'm not constantly thinking of Sam and Jack, but he can never replace his older brothers and I don't expect him to. 

Hayden is sick again, only this time he's sneezing and has a runny nose. Mr. H took him to the doctor again and it's just a cold- no infection so we'll just have to let it's run it's course. The first night was rough because he couldn't breathe through his nose and he would wake up frustrated and whiny every 30-45 minutes. He wanted to be rocked back to sleep sitting up, which meant neither one of us got sleep. Last night was a much better night since I propped him up on the Boppy. 

We went to the cemetery yesterday to clean off the boy's headstones and to do a balloon release. Hayden was exhausted but we gave him the balloons to release into the air and he perked up a bit, though he didn't want to let them go. It was sweet to watch him squint his eyes in the sunshine and watch them fly away. We sang and took a few pictures then went home for a nap. I intended to make him cupcakes but I just ran out of time but I just took them out of the oven now and are awaiting frosting. 

My sister is in the hospital. She had to have emergency surgery on Tuesday and is doing better but she's still in a lot of pain. I wish I could go spend some time with her, but she's loopy from the medication and she's clear across town, which makes it hard to visit since Hayden isn't 100% right now either. I would let my mom babysit him, but she's been with my sister almost all day every day so that's not happening. 

We went on a roadtrip earlier in the month to see my aunt who had a baby last month. The road trip was long but it was great to see family and grandparents. Hayden got to meet family and visit the town I grew up in. I also stopped by and went to see my Dad, after not talking for nearly 6 years. That deserves a post all on it's own and I'll write about it later and share photos. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that we are still here!

Hope you all are doing well. 

~Monica

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Dear Abby

This has been on my mind lately so I thought I'd share it here and hope someone has some insight for me.

I have not spoken to my Dad since Sam died in August 2006- that was five and a half years ago. He lives over 9 hours away, though it's still in Texas and is self employed. I'm mentioning that now because it's crucial to the rest of the story. When Sam died, I called him and invited him to the funeral. Does one really need an invite to a funeral??? Anyway, I needed my Dad to be there for me. I had just lost my baby and was at the darkest moment in my life.

I've never had a close relationship to my Dad. My parents divorced when I was very young, not even sure how old I was. I never lived with him. My mom left us with my grandparents to live and while we lived in the same town as my Dad I just saw him on the weekends. My mom lived in another city. So basically my grandparents were our guardians and our parents. But my Dad paid child support, on occasion, when he felt like it.

Things were better between us as I got older because I didn't need him to take care of me. I didn't need him to pay for anything for me. I was independent and did things on my own. I moved away to a larger city in Texas to live with my mom. We spoke on the phone, we saw eachother when we returned to visit my grandparents. He and my mom both walked me down the aisle when Mr. H and I married 7 years ago. Heck he even came and spent Thanksgiving at our new house in 2005. We had a decent relationship, though we never really had that typical father-daughter type of relationship.

Okay back to when Sam died. I assumed he would be coming to the funeral. I never asked him to, but we spoke on the phone about it, and I gave him all the funeral arrangement information he would need. As soon as my aunt and grandparents found out that I had lost the baby, they drove all night to come be with us. They all live in the same town. I didn't necessarily expect him to do the same, but I thought with a few days notice he could arrange to be there to see his grandson before we buried him. Instead he called me and said they weren't coming because he had to work. Remember, I mentioned that he's self employed and my step mom works for a church. I'm pretty sure they could have arranged something if they wanted to. Money is not an issue so it wasn't because they couldn't have afforded the trip. He said they would come a few days later and we could "go shopping" to take my mind off of things. I was heartbroken, first by the lost of my son then because of my Dad.

After thinking about this for 5 1/2 years, I have come to see things a little differently. His words hurt me then, but I now understand (or I think I do) that he was probably just uncomfortable with the situation and he didn't know what to do, so coming for a social visit was easier. I now know that he didn't intend to hurt me by his actions and words. What I don't understand though is that my Dad is highly religious. They are a huge part of the church and attend 3 days a week, and both services on Sunday. My step mom works there during the week as a secretary and he is an usher. They preach the Bible, pray like it's going out of style and are quick to point fingers at people and other family members who "aren't good people". How hypocritical can one be? He claims to be a "man of God" but doesn't live by what the Bible says,.Though if you were to ask him he would say differently. My Grandma summed it up by saying "he has religion, not God".

Let me back up about 35 years. My mom and my Dad lost their first child together. It was a girl and she was born several weeks early and didn't survive. No one talks about her. I don't even know much about her other than her name, her birthday and that she was premature. So given this information, I expected him to be more sympathetic towards me and my situation. Perhaps my loss just brought back so many memories of his loss that he just couldn't deal with it??? Maybe so, but he had to have felt some kind of connection to what I was feeling. Was he not devastated or sad, or hurting, or disappointed like I was? It was almost as if he was completely disconnected.

I conveyed my disappointment towards my Dad to my mom. I was completely hurt. I needed my Dad more than ever and once again he was not there for me. If there was ever a time to step up, that was it. He didn't. My mom called him and left him a nasty voice mail, only I didn't know about it until after the fact. Well apparently he saved it and still has it and assumed that everything my mother said to him about me hating him and never wanting to see him again was exactly how I felt. He assumed because she said it, that it was directly from me. He, to this day, thinks that I was sitting right there next to my mom feeding her info so she could leave it on his answering machine. I did not. Am I mad at my mom for leaving that message? No because she was hurt because I was hurting and she spoke from her heart, even if it was out of anger. She did what she thought was best and was sticking up for me. Sure she said some not nice things to him but it's not her fault that we are on the situation we are in. He's been a disappointment all my life, this just sealed the deal.

In October of 2006, I sent my Dad a picture of baby Sam, a packet of Forget-Me-Not flower seeds, a blue remembrance ribbon and the funeral pamphlet with all the burial info on it. That was my way of making an effort to include him. At that point it had been two months without speaking to him and I never heard from him as to whether or not he even received the package. He said and did nothing to acknowledge me or his grandson. To this day, he still hasn't. I'm not even sure that he knew that I was pregnant Jack and lost him too. I wasn't even sure that he knew that I was pregnant with Hayden either.

My brother has a "relationship" with him. My brother says it works between them because my brother doesn't expect anything from him. "If you don't expect anything, you can't be disappointed" he says. Well if you ask me, that's bullshit. How can one call that a relationship? Especially when it's with a parent. I'm sorry, but I need more than that. I expect more than that from my friends and neighbors, much less my father! Isn't that what a relationship is? It's about give and take, it's about respect and courtesy towards eachother. Am I wrong? My Dad treats my brother like crap and my brother keeps going back and calling him and fixing things because he longs for that relationship too. Clearly my brother is the better man.

Anyway, about 3 years ago, my brother told me that my dad was asking about me and was wondering how I was doing. I told my brother that if he wanted to know about me all he had to do was ask. My brother then said that my dad was not going to call or reach out to me because I was "the one with the problem". That sent me over the top! Especially since he was the one inquiring about me, not the other way around.

Fast forward to now. My brother is in town visiting. He lives with my grandparents in the same town as my Dad. He and my Dad see and speak to eachother pretty regularly. My Dad told my brother that he had been having dreams about me and was concerned about me and was hoping that I was okay. He told my brother to really talk to me to and establish how I was doing. My brother told him to call me and ask and he replied that he was not going to call because I needed to do that. He told my brother that he just didn't know when I was going "to come around". I don't get it?! It's not as if he's ever reached out to me to make amends. EVER. Maybe he thinks he has because he's been trying to work things out between us using my brother as a middle man. That's not fair to my brother. And my brother has such a big heart and really wants us to work things out that he tries so hard to convince us both to be the better person and to make the first move. But here's where the problem lies. I'm not sure I care to have a relationship with him anymore and that's sad.

I think in a perfect world, we would have a relationship. We would spend holidays together and he would call me on my birthday. He hasn't done that in forever! But things are not perfect and I've spent way too much of my time hoping for him to change and become a father. Now I do believe people can change and he has definitely turned his life around from where he used to be, but still our relationship is not a priority. As I said earlier, my Dad broke my heart. I still love him and I think of him from time to time, but I am no longer holding my breath waiting for him to come around. I have found fatherly roles in other people around me because he wasn't there. After 5 1/2 years I have accepted that things are the way the are. I have accepted that we may not ever have a relationship and I'm finally okay with that. Thinking about him no longer makes me angry (until now!).

But since Hayden has been born, things have changed. He wants a picture of Hayden. He got his feelings hurt because I didn't send him a birth announcement or a Christmas card with Hayden's picture on it. Why would I? I haven't sent him one in the years past so it's not like I just decided to exclude him this year. But every year I send one to his mother (my fraternal grandmother) and he saw it. I'd be more than happy to send him a picture of Hayden if he called and asked for one, but I'm not sending one if he's asking through my brother. I'm not trying to be stubborn here, I just think I deserve more than that.

There was a point where I had so much to say to him and a wise friend of mine told me that he wasn't worth my time and energy. That being upset and holding a grudge only upset me, it only affected me, not him. And that's when I finally understood that she was right. It's like that whole forgiveness thing. You forgive people to set yourself free not to let the people who've wronged you off the hook. I can't say for sure that I have forgiven him, but I've accepted the way things are and I've moved on with my life.

I guess what upsets me now is that my Dad is bringing up the voice mail that my mom left. And saying that because she said I hated him, that I must. I don't hate him. I've told my brother that and he's told my Dad that but he doesn't believe him. He's even spoken to my mom on multiple occasions and he's never once brought it up to her. He wants me to call and tell him that I don't hate him. My Dad says I shouldn't hold on to the past because "the past will kill you" but that's exactly what he's doing. He's a hypocrite. I've moved on and he's dragging me back to that dark place that I don't want to be. I've asked my brother to stop relaying his messages to me and he's asked my Dad the same thing but they just keep on coming. I keep replaying these conversations in my head and it just angers and frustrates me. My brother thinks it's his fault and it's not.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this. I don't feel that it's necessary for me to call. I'm not the one that has anything to say to him. I've made my peace within myself. I've beaten myself up over this for far too long and I'm done. I have my own family that fulfills me and he's not part of it- that was his choice. I think he wants to be a part of Hayden's life though and I'm just not okay with that. He can't have a relationship with my son without having one with me. I'd rather Hayden not know about his grandfather than to ever be disappointed by him like I have been all my life. I don't ever want Hayden to feel unloved or hurt by that man. And I surely don't think it's my responsibility to introduce Hayden into his life just because they're related. If he wants to know Hayden, isn't that his responsibility to make an effort?

Please set me straight here. If I'm wrong, tell me. Is there something I'm not seeing here? Can some of you relate to his side of the story? I need enlightenment. I don't want to deprive Hayden of a relationship with my Dad, but he's just not a good father and I want to protect him from all the hurt he's caused me over my lifetime. Then I start second guessing myself and think that just because he was a crappy father to me doesn't mean he'll be that way with Hayden. But how do I know? It's just too risky.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

6 Week Update




Here's a quick update in bullet form. I've been wanting to get on and update, just haven't had the time!


  • Hayden is now 6 weeks old and 5 days.



  • His belly button has been oozing since the "stub" fell off at 2 weeks. I cleaned it often and thought it would dry out. It never did. I called the pedi and they put silver nitrate in his belly button to dry it out. His belly button now looks gray and burnt but it's fading over time.



  • He had a rash/baby acne on his face. I say it was a rash from heat and spit up, the docs office says acne. I put cortisone on it and it went away. I don't think acne goes away with cortisone, but what do I know?



  • Last Wednesday I had my 6 week checkup- all is well and I am down 20 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. woo hoo! It's a great feeling except I don't have any pants besides jammies that fit.



  • Last Wednesday was also when Hayden got his first tear. It was sad :-(



  • He has finally grown out of Newborn size diapers and has moved into size 1.



  • He still wears newborn clothes but has a couple outfits in size 0-3 that fit.



  • I think he has acid reflux. He vomited (not spit up) once last week and it happened again twice last night. We've been keeping him upright after eating,but feedings have become frustrating and messy. I haven't called the doctor yet because I was waiting to see how he did the rest of the afternoon and so far he was okay.



  • Last week Mister ate like it was going out of style- I think he was going through a growth spurt because he was eating 2-3 ounces per sitting more than he usually did. He was eating 3.5 ounces. Lat week he was eating 5-7 ounces at a time. crazy stuff! He would eat, burp, be content then start screaming (not crying). We couldn't figure out what was wrong. After an hour we realized he was still hungry. Hayden has stupid parents.



  • We had a garage sale this past weekend- it was exhausting to say the least.



  • On Sunday evening I took a 5 hour nap and felt amazing and re-energized.



  • At his check up last week, he was 9 lbs. 13 oz.



  • I ordered and got his birth announcements in the mail last week, just haven't had time to send them out. My friend took our pics and they turned out beautifully!



  • Singing or humming "You are my sunshine" still makes me cry. "Love Me Tender" is one of our favorites.

  • I finally bought a breast pump, rather than renting. Those suckers are expensive.




Miss you all. I'll be back soon with his 2 month picture!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Let The Countdown Begin!



My goal this pregnancy was to make it to at least 36 weeks and I've done it! My ultimate goal, obviously, is to bring a live baby home, and in 6 days he'll be here!

6 DAYS!!!

In my heart, I am ready, but I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared yet and I'm not sure I'll ever be. We've been on this journey for just over 5 years and next Thursday Sam and Jack's brother will be born into this world- it's all so very surreal.

This past Tuesday, I went to my doctor appointment and got my last P-17 injection. Of course I had to document it so I could show him when he's a teenager (and making me pull my hair out) all I went through for him. And when I tell him he's a pain in my butt, I can show him that giant needle! haha!



My BP and protein levels weren't great at my last appointment, but they weren't horrible either. At this point as long as my numbers aren't increasing, my doctor isn't too worried. After tomorrow, I only have one more appointment before the bambino gets here, so as long as I don't have any complications within the next week all is still planned for next Thursday. I asked my doctor why she didn't want me to go past 37 weeks and she said it's because at that point my risk for Eclampsia goes way up and so does my risk for seizures and stillbirth. Neither of those am I interested in!


It seems once week 35 came along, I started to get uncomfortable. It's also when the stretch marks started to show their ugly face. Really, I shouldn't complain, because they're small and there are few, but still, they're not pretty. Mr. H says they're not ugly, but I think he's just trying to make me feel better about them. I don't imagine them getting much bigger or darker in the next week so that's a good thing. However, I swear this child is trying to bust his way out through my belly button. The pressure is insane!

Most days I feel fine, but days like today I feel miserable and can't get comfortable. I feel like my stomach is in my chest and I can't breathe, which makes me rather cranky. Mister has also learned a new trick this week- kicking me under my ribs on the right side. Yes, I'm complaining but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've looked forward to getting here for so long and my discomfort won't last much longer, then I'm sure I'll miss it.

I got my "thank you" notes from the baby shower out into the mail yesterday...finally. I also got a haircut yesterday and I feel so much lighter. It got to the point that even in a ponytail, my hair was too long. I think she cut off about 4-5 inches. Now if I could just reach my toes to get them painted...

6 More Days People! Ahhhhh!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

At Home, Still On Bedrest

Well I'm home!


I still have to stay on bedrest, but I can do it from the comfort of my own bed and couch versus being in the hospital. And I've done this before when I was pregnant with Jack. At least I know what to expect. The nurses at the hospital were truly wonderful and caring, but it's hard being strapped to a monitor 18 hours a day and trying to rest all while they're coming in every 2 hours to take my blood pressure and temperature.


So far I've completed 3 24-hour urine tests. They've all come back the same, with my levels being in the 500's. The range is from 300 (pre-eclamptic) to 5000 (severe). My levels are still pretty low and they haven't increased over the past week and that is why I got to go home. That and because my blood pressure was regulated and normal as long as I was doing absolutely nothing. When I first got there, Friday afternoon, they were checking my BP every 27 minutes, then it was every 2 hours. Just getting up to go to the bathroom or showering made my BP rise, so I have been given strict orders to do absolutely nothing.

That is hard for me. I'm a somewhat lazy person by nature, but I like the freedom of doing what I want when I want and I just can't right now. It's not like I'm wanting to go shopping or partying or painting the nursery, I just want to sweep the kitchen floor and blow dry my hair while standing up without feeling overwhelmed. I want to make breakfast, not give orders from the couch on how to preheat the pan without overbrowning the butter. Ya know? It's only been a few days and I know I'll be okay. It's just frustrating because I feel like I've done my very best to have a safe and full term pregnancy and every little thing that can happen has, whether it be bleeding at 6 weeks, a wonky 1st screen and trisomy scare, or needing additional testing for gestational diabetes to this. I swear I didn't do anything different or wrong, it just happens and it's stressful.


I know I'm so lucky to be where I am in this pregnancy and I know that things could be so much worse. So I don't want it to seem like I'm complaining about the little things. I just worry about my little man and hope he's okay. And I know that even if he is born early and has to go stay in the NICU, that that will be the best and safest place for him out of the womb. And I've accepted that my belly may eventually not be the safest place for him to be either, even though that's a difficult one to comprehend. I just want him to stay in there a little longer and continue to grow.

I'm 33 weeks today and went to the doctor yesterday for another checkup. My weight is back down to where it was last week, minus a couple pounds. My BP was slightly elevated but that was after walking from the car to the exam room and it wasn't any higher than last week. The protein levels in my urine have stayed the same, which baffles my doctor. She says that they almost always increase from day to day and mine haven't. I'll have to do a 24-hour urine collection again on Thursday to take back on Friday for analysis. I'll also have to see the doctor twice weekly, rather than just once a week. So from now on until I deliver, I'll be going to the doctor on Tuesday and Fridays. And I'll be getting u/s with each visit to make sure that the little guy is still growing and that his blood flow is as it should be.


As of yesterday, he was just perfect. We were also able to see his face a little more clearly because it seems he always has his hands over his face. He clearly has my nose and lips :-)





I'll keep up all updated as I know something more. My doctor thinks I'll still deliver early, but perhaps we'll make it past the 34 week mark. Which is a good thing, because that's only one week away! I'm not quite ready for him to make his appearance yet. I'd be thrilled to make it to 36 weeks. Cross your fingers for me!


And as always, thank youfor being here for me. I appreciate your comments, emails, prayers and concern. They mean so much to me and help me get through another day.


~Monica

Friday, July 1, 2011



On Wednesday, I celebrated a birthday and "Mister" turned 28 weeks! My belly looks huge in this picture, but that only means he's growing. According to his measurements, he's in the 55th percentile for growth and weighs about 2 lbs. 11 oz.

I also had my glucose test done this week and the doctor just called to tell me that I failed it. I'm not sure how they come up with their numbers but she said I scored a 137 and my doctor's cut off number is 134. So now I have to do the 3-hour glucose test on Wednesday. I was told to bring something to do because "there's no sleeping" in the waiting room and I have to stay there the entire time. Anyone want to play "Words With Friends" with me to keep me entertained for 3 hours? Anyone? I have a feeling this experience is going to be like the 13-week scan. A big scare and fuss, then it will turn out to be fine. I'm hoping anyway.

For my birthday, I went to the doctor for a couple hours, saw my beautiful baby boy, then we went to lunch where it turned out to be free! Then went to Anthropologie for window shopping. I've never been in there before but I left wanting one of everything. Then I went to Macy's to use a birthday coupon, that I couldn't use because my purchase didn't qualify but I bought myself a dress. Y'all I haven't worn a dress since I got married in 2005! Crazy right? I have a couple options, but I might wear that to my baby shower next Saturday. Holy crap, that's only 8 days away!

Later on for dinner, we went to Cheesecake Factory with my in-laws, Mr. H and my siblings. My mom couldn't make it because she was sick but we had a good time. They seriously have the best orange chicken ever. And the pina colada cheesecake wasn't too bad either. By bedtime, I was exhausted. Mr. H came to my side of the bed for "snuggies" wrapped his arm around my belly and felt baby kick for the first time. He only kicked once then we all fell asleep. It was the perfect end to a perfect day.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Cribs, Changing Tables, Baby Shower Invites and My Boobs :-)

Before I write about what I was going to write about, I have to bad mouth Blogger for a minute. They're ticking me off! I just wrote this whole post hit publish then it told me to sign in. Uh hello, how did I manage to get to this page if I wasn't already signed in? When I tried to sign in (AGAIN!) it took me to another page and deleted my entire entry! For the last couple weeks, every time I go to sign it, it kicks me back out and won't let me comment on some blogs. When I try to sign in and go to that blog, it signs me back out. Ugh! Blogger if you're reading this, you're pissing me off!

_______________________________________


I am at 27 weeks today! I went to the doctor and got another shot. My next real appointment will be next Wednesday when I have another ultrasound, get another shot and also do my glucose test. I've heard that's not so fun. I'm pretty sure I'll do some complaining but I'll survive. Next Wednesday the 29th is also my birthday. I see Cheesecake Factory in my future. woo hoo!




This is the crib we purchased. We ordered it over the weekend and it came in today! I've always wanted a navy crib and they're just not very common. Maybe that's why I like them. I found two of them, one from Stanley furniture that costs about $1200 and this one from Baby Mod available through Wal-Mart for $250. It was actually on sale for $199 so we jumped on it. It shipped for less than $10 and was here in 3 days. It's made entirely of New Zealand pine and looks to be a quality product. We're not ready to assemble it yet but we opened it to inspect it and it's in great condition. The picture looks likes it's black, but it's really a dark navy. I just love it.


Our changing table on the other hand still isn't here. We went to pick it up on Thursday and one of the joints was filled with excess glue. We pointed it out to the pick-up guy and he attempted to clean it up but it didn't really work. In fact he sprayed some aerosol stuff on it and began to wipe it up and it started to remove the stain from the side of the chest. the rag he was using was colored brown, so not only did he not fix it, but he made it worse. They're ordering yet another one for us, but they're out of stock in their warehouse until the first of the month so we shall wait. Hopefully the third one is the charm!




We sent out baby shower invites on Friday. My mom ordered them through Vista Print and picked out the jungle safari theme. I was wanting something simpler and more elephant based but I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't love the one she picked out. Instead I just selected the one I would have chosen for myself and we ordered both. That made us both happy!




A couple years ago I bought a punch from Martha Stewart crafts of an elephant. I totally forgot about it until a few weeks ago. I used it to punch out colored confetti to stuff into the envelopes. I think they're just so cute.




That's enough of the fun stuff. Last week when I went to the doctor, I told her about some pain that I was having in my left breast. It's been hurting now for a couple weeks, but it comes and goes, it's not constant. It's on the left side and underneath my areola and it feels like an intense burning sensation. She felt around and said I had dense, fibro cystic breasts and sent me to the breast imaging center for an ultrasound.


I went the very next day for an u/s. The sonographer said everything was "beautiful" and that she didn't see anything to be concerned about. The radiologist came in to speak with us and to do a scan of his own, but didn't find or see anything either. He said if it continued to hurt then I could come back later for another u/s or I could wait til after I gave birth and and they could have a mammogram, but he didn't think it was necessary. I thought maybe it was a milk duct or something similar that was giving me problems but they told me to ask my OB about that. I asked her about it today and she said that everything looked normal and that it was probably just hormones. Which doesn't exactly explain why I'm having pain, but the nurse said that burning sensations usually mean that it's nerve related. For now, it goes diagnosed but a couple days after my appt. I got a letter from the breast imaging center that said "We're happy to inform you that you do not have cancer". That was the least of my concerns, but I'm glad to know it!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Randomness at 25 Weeks

It seems these days that when someone asks how I am doing, I assume they're referring to the baby and the pregnancy. They usually are, so I'm conditioned to answer the same every time, with "we're doing fine". And we are. My cervix is still closed, baby is growing well and weighs just over 1 1/2 lbs. and I have no complaints. Life is good.


I went to the doctor this past Wednesday. I got another P17 injection. 8 down, 12 more to go! I talked to the doctor about induction dates. She said she usually does c-sections at 39 weeks, unless there are complications prior to that date or if I go into labor on my own before then. So "Mister" will be born on or around September 14. That's only 3 months away, but it seems so far away.


My friend, Lori, asked me the other day about photographing the birth. I'm up for that! I think it's a great idea and I'd love to have the photos to look at later on in life, especially if this is the only baby we ever have. I asked the doctor about her being in the OR with us when I have the c-section and she said she had no problem with it. She has to get the okay from the anesthesiologists that will be there, but she said she'd do her best to make it happen. Isn't that the coolest? I'm psyched about it!


On another note, we purchased a dresser/changing table a couple weeks ago. I didn't want a standard changing table because I think they're cheaply made but expensive and what do you do with them after you're done changing diapers? We wanted a dresser made of real wood, with full extension hardware that was about 36-38" high. We found a couple but they were all too long and since we're converting our guest room into the nursery, wall space is limited. The wall we're putting it on is only 46" inches wide. The dresser we ordered is 38"H x 44"W x 20" D.


I tried scouring Craigslist for a dresser I could repaint but they were either junky or if they were made of real wood, people were asking a fortune for them. We ended up finding a piece from Star Furniture made by Aspen Furniture. It's actually a media chest, but I thought the two open slots on the top would be perfect storage for diapers and wipes. Then when we're done using it as a changing table, it can be used as a TV stand/dresser when he's older. And it's a quality, sturdy, well built piece that will last for several years. Unfortunately when Mr. H went to pick it up yesterday, it was scratched and scuffed so they're ordering us another one. It's a good thing we don't need it for a few more months.



On another note, I'm going to a Scentsy party tomorrow. Ever heard of them? I have not, but from what I've heard they're like wickless candles that are melted over a heating unit. Kind of like Yankee tarts, but with Scentsy there is no flame because you plug in a cord and as the light bulb heats up, it melts the scented wax. Here's a link if you want to learn more about them. http://scentsy.net/ They seem kind of cool. I might just come home with one tomorrow :-)


Hope everyone has a great weekend. I'm off to go soak in the tub and shave my legs!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Viability

I reached viability (24 weeks) yesterday! woo hoo!

I had another anatomy scan and they got the rest of the measurements they needed. Baby boy was breech and facing my back and didn't change positions the entire time, so we didn't get any profile or 3D pics of him. He did however kick the heck out of my cervix while we were there, but that's nothing new. He can kick all he wants as long as he stays in there til September.

According to his measurements he weighs 1 lb. 7oz. That's just amazing to me. I know he's still tiny, but compared to Sam and Jack, he's huge!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

My Trans Abdominal Cerclage (TAC) Experience


This is way overdue, but I felt it was still necessary to write. I wanted to share with you all as well as anyone else who may be getting an abdominal cerclage in the future, my TAC story in detail.


A Trans-Abdominal Cerclage is a cerclage or band they tie around your cervix to keep it shut. I have an incompetent cervix (IC) that caused me to go into labor at 17 weeks with my first pregnancy. The weight of the baby was too much for my weak cervix to bear, so it started to funnel, then dilate. I then started having contractions and my son was born. On the second pregnancy, we had a vaginal cerclage to keep the baby in and my cervix shut. The doctor went in vaginally to place the cerclage through my cervix, like a purse string stitch. This works for a lot of women, but it didn't work for me. The weight of the baby was again too much for my cervix to hold and it began to dilate. Only this time, my water didn't break, the amniotic sac began to bulge out of my cervix and I went into labor, delivering my second son at 16w4d. The reason this didn't work for me was because doctors can only place the cerclage so high on your cervix, when they place it vaginally. It wasn't high/tight enough on my cervix to make any difference for me. The cerclage stayed in place and didn't rip through my cervix, it just slowed labor down a bit.


The TAC is different because they go through your abdomen (surgically) to tie the cerclage right at the top of your cervix. The material they use is so strong, that an 8-inch piece can support an adults entire body weight, so holding up a uterus with a growing baby doesn't even compare. Placing the stitch that high also means that the cervix is no longer a factor and won't/can't open. It's a permanent stitch and stays in place forever. When a woman is pregnant her cervix thickens and swells, so the cerclage is nice and tight- nothing is getting through it. But when a woman goes into labor or is no longer pregnant, the cervix goes back to normal size and there is a slight opening in the cervix. This opening is enough to pass menstrual blood as well as lets semen through if you want to get pregnant again. Because there is only an opening for fluids to pass through, all births are delivered via cesarean.



Now I live in Texas, but we flew to New Jersey to get the TAC done by Dr. George Davis, because he's an expert at it. There are of course about 100 doctors all over the US that have done a TAC at least once, but I didn't want to be an experimental case. I found Dr. Davis through my friends Becky and Jessica who had a TAC done by him several months prior. They both had success stories, so that brought me hope. Also when I googled "TAC doctors" his name kept popping up. There's also another doctor in Chicago- Dr. Haney, that does them quite often and successfully, but once I spoke to Dr. Davis on the phone, I knew he was the one.



Dr. Davis and I.


I nervously called Dr. Davis and left him a message. Within 5 minutes, he called me back and we spoke for over an hour on the phone. He answered all of my questions and I never felt rushed or like I was being a bother. He wanted to help us bring a baby into this world. We communicated by phone and email, sometimes up to 10pm at night. I asked about him and he said he's been doing TAC's for over 24 years! I don't understand why this procedure isn't further practiced or why it's so rare if he's been doing it for so long. I think most doctors are scared to do it, honestly. I mean, who wants to cut open a pregnant woman's abdomen?



We spoke several times on the phone and almost immediately he was ready to schedule a surgery date. That was scary for me, but it needed to be done. He tried to verify insurance benefits but my crappy insurance decided they weren't going to pay for it. So he offered to do the procedure at cost and only charged us the bare minimum- $600 for the anesthesiologist, $550 for the doctor, and $2750 per night for the hospital fee. There were no medication fees, operating room fees, etc. Although we were billed for the total amount after we got home (for over $13,000) Dr. Davis rectified that for us. We were supposed to pay the amount in full the day of the procedure, but they didn't accept AmEx so they billed us. While there in NJ, we paid the anesthesiologist and doctor fees in full.


My surgery date was scheduled for Friday morning at 7:30am. The night we arrived we went to Dr. Davis' office in Camden, NJ to fill out paperwork, check my weight, height, blood pressure, and to do an ultrasound of the baby. We were given the directions to Kennedy Hospital in Blackwood, NJ and to our hotel in the neighboring town of Turnersville. I was told to have a nice dinner but not to take any meds, eat or drink anything past midnight. And to be at the hospital the next morning at promptly 4:45am- no earlier. No problem.


The morning of the surgery, I showered and got ready to head to the hospital. Part of the reason we had to get there so early was to pay the bill, but since we had issues there, we went straight on into the day surgery waiting room. I filled out more paperwork there, then they called me back to the prep area, while Mr. H waited to be called back with me. When I was called back, I was met with a few different nurses. They checked my blood pressure, had me change into a gown and non skid socks, take off my clothing, any jewelery (wasn't wearing any) and take out all my piercings (only my ears, you pervs :-P). Another person came in to take a couple vials of blood, asked me a ton more questions, then put in an IV in my hand. Generally, I don't have issues with needles or getting IV's, but it REALLY hurt and started to swell. The maternity ward nurse thinks the person who administered the IV, went all the way through my vein, then back in where it should have gone, which is why it bruised and hurt so much. That could explain all the puffiness. After all that was done (30 minutes) Mr. h came back in to see me. He was with me no longer than 5 minutes, we hugged, cried a little bit, he gathered my belongings and then they walked me back to the OR with a metallic hair cap on. Classy.



The OR was freezing! I was asked to sit on the end of the bed and bend over so they could give me a spinal to numb my lower half. That stings a little, but I was more concerned with my butt crack flashing the anesthesiologist. Once that was done, I laid back and "relaxed" on the table. They strapped a BP cuff to my right arm which squeezed the bejeesus out of my arm and left me with broken capillaries, that looked like stretchmarks. I was awake during the surgery so they kept testing different parts of my body to make sure I was fully numb. Once I was, Dr. Davis came in, he and a nurse inserted a catheter and they cleaned off my abdomen and belly with orange gook. By this point, my gown was pulled all the way up and just covering my boobs, while the rest of my body was exposed. To say I felt quite vulnerable was an understatement. From my rib cage down, it was numb, heavy feeling and warm. From my boobs up, I was freezing. They put this air flow thing on my arms and across my chest which pumps warm air through them to keep me warm. It worked some, but my hands were still freezing and it kept expanding and popping up in my face. I wasn't bothered by it but the nurses kept trying to tape it down, which didn't work.



Anyway, I'm laying there, Dr. Davis shaves the top part of my pubic area, just enough to clear the way. I couldn't really feel or see anything but I could hear what was going on. Once all that was done, he began to determine where he was going to make his cut. He started to cut through my skin, then the fat, then down to the muscles. He said he doesn't "cut" through the muscle, he said once he gets down to that part, he separates it and moves it out of the way. Since I couldn't exactly watch, I'm not sure how all that was done, but I take his word for it. I didn't feel pain, but there was pressure and movement and you could sense that something was happening down there. As he was cutting through the nerves I kept getting weird pulsing sensations up in my rib area. I don't know how else to describe it, but it's kind of like hitting just below your knee and your reflexes pop your leg up. It was strange, because I didn't expect to feel anything. That happened for a few minutes then stopped. Once he was all the way through to the spot he needed to be, the curtain went up and I couldn't see anything but blue paper.



Both Jessica and Becky warned me about the intense feeling of pressure. And, I suppose, if you've had a c-section before, then you know that same sensation. He pushed my bladder, intestines, the uterus, etc, whatever was in the way out of the way. Except that it felt like he was fisting me and shoving my insides up inside my chest. I felt like he was stuffing a turkey, and I was the poor bird. That, to me, hurt. They tried to convince me that it was not pain that I felt, but just pressure, but I beg to differ. It hurt, to the point that I started to cry from the intensity of it all. I began to sob uncontrollably, so they gave me pain meds through my IV. Each dose only lasted about 10 minutes, so they gave me a few doses of that. Side effect from the pain meds- itchy face. All I wanted to do was scratch. At one point, all one nurse did was sit by my head and rubbed where I asked her to. She stroked my hair and tried to keep me calm and breathing, through the hysteria. Just when the pain subsided and I got a reprieve from the pain, it started back up. I can't blame him though, because he was doing what he needed to do.



I'm now to the point where he starts stitching me up. Again, I couldn't see or really feel completely what he was doing but I could feel the tension and he tugged on the string to tighten it as he sewed along each layer. Almost like I could picture what he was doing in my mind, but was blind to it all. Strange. When it came to putting my skin back together, he used staples. My belly looked like Frankenstein. Towards the end of the procedure, which lasted an entire 2 hours from start to finish, my spinal began to wear off and I could move my feet. I felt tingling in my legs too, which freaked me out because I just wanted him to be done. When he was done, he placed an adhesive over the staples, then he and another nurse wrapped this tight elastic band around my waist. It was kind of like an ace bandage, but huge and it stuck together with velcro. It helped apply pressure so things didn't jiggle around. I wore that while in the hospital, during recovery at the hotel and for about another week once I returned home.



They wheeled me to recovery, where I was for about an hour. In between sleeping and itching my face, they gave me meds to manage my pain- the same meds they gave me in the OR through my IV. Since it didn't last very long, they kept giving it to me every 15 minutes. Then I started to feel pain and they wouldn't give me any more since they were going to wheel me up to my room. They said the nurse up on the maternity floor would give me something. I waited for about 20 minutes in pain, then went to my room, where I waited another 20 for a nurse to come in and give me something. I was pissed. Mostly because I was out of it, and exhausted and hungry and wanted to see Mr. H. The whole time I was in surgery, he checked us out of the hotel, he ate breakfast then was waiting for me in the waiting room. At some point, I think Dr. Davis met up with him to let him know how everything went.



I was now in my permanent room in the maternity ward. Mr. H stayed with me there at the hospital on the pull out chair. It was tight and cramped, but it worked. I remember sleeping quite a bit, in between the nurses coming in and out to check my temperature and blood pressure. I got pain meds every 2-4 hours as needed. Since our insurance wasn't going to pay for the procedure or the stay in the hospital, we were only going to stay one night. I was in the hospital for a full 36 hours which the doctor thought was plenty of time. I ate a full dinner that evening and my doctor was irritated by that. He came in to visit me after I was done polishing off my entire plate of bruschetta chicken, orzo and orange cake. My nurses were supposed to put me on a liquid diet so I didn't over develop gas, but they didn't. Their fault, not mine, but I'm the one who paid for it in the end. I was majorly bloated and couldn't relieve myself. I was popping gas meds every few hours, but they didn't seem to help. The gas pain was intense- it caused a big portion of my pain and discomfort. Don't dismiss the gas pain- it's real. By nighttime, on day 1, I was walking. It felt like each leg weighed a thousand pounds, but I walked from my bed to the door and back- about 20 feet. I was encouraged and praised by my nurses with each step. I did this a couple times that night, just because I wanted to progress and I knew it would help in my healing. It was tough. Believe it or not, the walking helped with the bloating in my stomach.



By the next morning on day 2, I wanted the catheter out! It was irritating me and it still felt like I had to pee even when I didn't. I'd like to say once it came out, I felt relief, but I didn't. From then on, I had to get up out of bed and walk myself to the bathroom to urinate. That was quite frequently since I was still hooked up to the IV. Later that morning I was disconnected from everything. I ate breakfast, walked a little more, this time down the hallway and back with Mr. H. A nurse came in to remove the adhesive bandage and I showered. That was interesting because the bathroom stall was tiny and I was afraid of standing. The nurse brought me a chair to sit on but it hurt to sit so I didn't use it. The water hitting my belly stung a little bit, I washed from my hair down to my waist then Mr. H did the rest for me. I couldn't bend or twist without pain. It felt good to be clean, despite the discomfort.




Nurse Betty and I.



Later that afternoon, we were wheeled up to see Dr. Davis, by my nurse Betty- she was wonderful! He performed a vaginal ultrasound where we were able to see the cerclage and the baby. I wasn't smiling and happy and giddy as Dr. Davis thought I should have been, but I was. He said "it's okay to smile" so I did. But I was focused on what I was seeing. You see, all this time, I haven't been worried about the baby, I've been concerned with what my body is doing and wondering if it's performing as it should. I worry about the cerclage failing, or my cervix funnelling, not the baby. I know the baby is okay, it's me that screwed up. We got ultrasound pics and discovered that all was well, then went to chat with Dr. Davis in his office. All I can say, is the man is quirky and funny and has a major obsession with Diet Coke, but he is brilliant and when it comes to babies and the female body, he is serious and he means business. Perfect combination if you ask me.


Shortly after that, we were released from the hospital and drove to a nearby town to stay at a Summerfield Suites in Mount Laurel, NJ. We chose that place because they had a separate bedroom from the living room, as well as a kitchen. When we checked in, Mr. H requested a handicap-accessible room, which was helpful because the bathroom was slightly bigger, but they also had grab bars by the toilet and in the shower. And the toilets were higher than traditional rooms. That may not seem like a big deal, but after you have abdominal surgery it hurts to bend down that low. Having the toilet that little bit higher made it much more comfortable to sit and get up on my own. The grab bars helped with stability while standing.


Once released from the hospital, I was given a prescription for Percocet. I was to take it every four hours as needed. At first I did take it every 4 hours, then 5, then 6 etc. It made me drowsy so I slept quite a bit. I was also taking several stool softeners a day to help things along. Mr. H would get up early, go to the free breakfast buffet, then bring me back something. I was hungry but didn't have much of an appetite, so a bagel with cream cheese, maybe some fruit and juice was all I had. All I wanted to do was sleep and I did but it wasn't very comfortable. The bed was fine, I just couldn't get comfortable or was in pain. Getting out of bed was tough too. I don't think one realizes how many abdominal muscles are used to sit yourself up and get out of bed. It was agony at some points because the bed was so low. A few times, in the middle of the night, I just rolled myself out of bed and crawled to the edge to pull myself up, because no matter how I tried I couldn't sit up on my own. And I was/am far too stubborn to wake up Mr. H and ask for help.


On day 3, I got a special visit from Jessica and her family. I'll write more about that in another post, but it was great finally getting to meet her- she's a doll. It was also a welcome distraction from thinking about the pain. Seeing her and her new daughter was also a reminder that Dr. Davis works miracles.


Day 4, I was ready to go home! I wanted to be in my own bed in my home. I wanted to see Autumn again, I wanted to be around family. Later that night, Dr. Davis came by the hotel after his ballroom dance class (I told you he was quirky!) to check on me and remove my staples. I was afraid that that would hurt, but it really didn't. The staple remover looked like a pair of scissors, with a blunt end. There was a slight clicking sound as he removed each staple (19 total). A couple of them stung a little bit but it didn't hurt any more than removing a sticky bandaid. I had Mr. H take a picture of my incision with the staples still in- it's a little freaky looking. I then saved the staples as a souvenir :-) The incision overall was about 5-6 inches long. It's healed nicely and after a week or so all the bruising went away. I can feel the raised skin on my abdomen, but it no longer hurts.


On day 5, we flew home. That morning after eating breakfast on the way to the airport, I got sick. Luckily, we had just pulled out of the parking lot and were not on the highway yet. I opened the car door and left NJ a little part of me. I was more concerned about the stomach cramping while vomiting than anything else. It wasn't too bad and once I was done, I felt much better. I'm not sure what made me sick that morning because I haven't had any morning sickness or nausea this pregnancy. The flight went on schedule. I packed a small toddler pillow that I got from BRU, to place between my incision and the seatbelt. It added the cushion I needed without any rubbing or irritation.


For the first week, I felt burning/stinging on my skin on my lower abdomen. The nurses and the doctor said it was the nerves coming back to life. What was/is strange though is that most of my lower abdomen from my belly button to my scar, was numb to the touch. I could poke, scratch, pinch it and I didn't feel it. I could lean up against a cold counter and not feel cold. Some feeling has come back to my belly button and I can feel about an inch above my incision. Hopefully over time, I'll get full feeling back. But since I'll be delivering this baby via cesarean and they'll have to cut me again, this process will probably start all over again.


Also worth mentioning, is that the pain meds make you constipated. That's why I was taking stool softeners from day 1, but they weren't really working. I took a full 7 days for me to experience relief. That was baffling to me, because I kept thinking "where is all this food going?", but the truth was, it wasn't going anywhere. I tried to go many times, to no avail. I finally called my doctor once I got home and basically begged for a remedy for relief, because my stomach was beginning to cramp. It's amazing it took a week for that to happen, but it did. The problem solver? A large swig of Milk of Magnesia. Not very tasty but it worked within 9 hours.


2 weeks post-op I was feeling much better but still sore at times, and the incision was still tender. By week 3, I was feeling a lot better. Week 4 brought a whole new person and I felt normal again. Dr. Davis told me there were two rules to follow. 1). If it hurts, don't do it. 2). No driving til I was able to jump off the bottom step of the stairs with all my weight and it didn't hurt. That scared me because I didn't want to even try that. I didn't drive for 6 weeks post op because I didn't really have a need to. Mr. H has taken me to all my appointments and most days, I'm resting and taking it easy at home. It has now been 7 weeks since the surgery and I can hardly tell I've had my belly cut open. There are times when my abdomen feels heavy and I feel pressure on my cervix but it's no longer painful. I assume that's how it will be from now til the end of the pregnancy but that's okay.


So that's my TAC story. I hope it will help someone out there that needs this information. I tried to not leave out any details- for me, knowledge is power. And knowing as much as possible about something that no one else is talking about is beneficial. Even if it only helps one other person, I've done my job.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

P17 Injections and TMI :-)

I got my first P17 shot on Wednesday. I was a bit freaked out when I read the bottle and it said "insert deep intramuscularly". It was the "deep" that terrified me, and I fully expected for Nurse Betty to come in my room with a 4-inch needle to poke me with. Because of that, my blood pressure was slightly elevated, but the last few weeks it has returned to normal. Thank goodness, because that's one less thing to worry about.

Anyway, I'm not generally fearful of needles or shots but knowing that I have to get these for the next 17 weeks, I was worried about the pain/side effects. Since I was just getting an injection and not seeing the doctor, a nurse visit was all that was scheduled for me. I didn't even see my regular nurse because they were so booked up, but the nurse that saw me was really nice, gentle and understanding. I asked her if she wouldn't mind checking the heart rate of Baby 3, just to assure me that it was still alive and well and she did. Heart rate was 160 bmp. That's all I need to know to get me through another week.

Firstly, I thought the injection was going to be given in my rear. It was actually given to me on my hip, right below my waist line. I felt the initial poke of the needle (which was only an inch long) but that was it. The medication is pretty thick so I fully expected it to burn and it didn't. It has to go in pretty slowly and it took about a full minute to push it all in, but like I said, there was no pain. A couple hours later though, the skin around the injection site burned a little and was sore. It was like that the rest of the day, but was fine the next.

I don't really know what the side effects of P17 shots are, because I didn't ask, nor did I google them, but I have been a little dizzy- not all day and mostly at night. I also feel like I'm starving. Like I woke up NEEDING to eat because my stomach hurt and felt like I hadn't eaten in days. Also, and this is totally TMI: TMI ALERT: Stop reading if you don't want to know.... but it smells a little odd "down there". Not funky, not bad or smelly, not dirty, just odd. Like it almost smells...burnt. ha ha! I tried googling that but came up with nothing. I guess I'll have to ask my doctor about that on Wednesday when I go back in. If anyone knows anything about P17 injections and their side effects or has experienced this before, let me know.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

It's Official!

I am officially more pregnant than I've ever been. Actually, I reached this milestone on Friday but I'm just now blogging about it. It feels good, but I still don't feel like I'm "safe" yet.


Thursday night was a little tough for me. I was 17w1d, which is when we lost Sam. I remember going to bed at 2am, with a back ache and cramping. I soaked in the tub and felt better so tried to get past it. I didn't realize at the time it was contractions- now I do. At promptly 4am, I woke up with the worst cramps of my life, which I thought was gas. I tried to use the bathroom to relieve myself but it didn't work. I rocked back and forth for a few minutes, then my water broke and the toilet filled with blood. That was the beginning of my worst nightmare.


That was 4 1/2 years ago and a lot has changed since then. Obviously, the transabdominal cerclage (TAC) is working and holding up well, which is why I'm still pregnant today. But I couldn't help but think back on what happened that night, this past Thursday. I didn't want to go to sleep, so I stayed up til 4 am in bed watching Sex & The City 2. It was a good distraction. A friend of mine says I should try hard and not associate all the bad things that happened with Sam. And she's right. But that night, I wasn't thinking of Sam. Yes, I missed him- I miss him all the time, but I was thinking more of my own personal trauma and all that I went through- it just happens to be on the same day Sam was born. Does that make sense?


The next day, after a good night's rest, I was able to reflect on how far I've come. And to know that I am more pregnant than I've ever been before, made me smile. It makes me feel like this baby actually has a real chance of being born ALIVE into this world. I'm hopeful and feeling good. I've been going to the OB every couple weeks and baby is growing as it should and doing well. Seeing him/her on the screen and hearing the heart beating at 170 bpm is such a relief for me.


Starting this Wednesday I'll be getting progesterone injections. I'll be 18 weeks and will take them until I reach 36 weeks gestation. I think they're called P-17 shots, but they help in preventing pre-term labor. My doctor told me that once you go into labor there isn't really any good medications that stop it and the one that works better than the others, affects the baby's heart rate so it can't be given for very long. So basically, if I go into PTL, I'm SOL. And my insurance has already said that they won't cover a loss having if I go into pre-term labor. Nice huh? So getting these weekly injections is just a precaution, it's being proactive. My OB didn't think I really needed them, but the perinatologist recommended I start them since it couldn't hurt anything. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to bring this baby safely into this world.


That's all for now, bathroom is still taken apart but the walls are getting put back up slowly but surely. Still haven't had the plumber out because 2 of them were out of town and another had car issues. Hopefully someone can come out this week to fix the damn plumbing. We picked out some really nice travertine and glass tiles and the tile setter came out today to give us an estimate. Hopefully it will all be completed within a couple weeks. I miss my shower!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

An Update.

My doctor's office called me back on Tuesday with an appointment with the perinatologist. I went to see him yesterday at 3:30pm. I knew they'd do an ultrasound but that's all. I was there for 4 hours, here's what happened.

The sonographer did an ultrasound on my belly but because the baby is still so small (14 weeks, 2 days) she had a hard time seeing. they decided to do the ultrasound trans vaginally and while they could see better, the baby was fast asleep and not budging so they still couldn't see what they needed to. They looked at the brain and it's growing well, but they couldn't see the neck area to measure the thickness. So the doctor came in and tried to look for himself. No such luck.

They had me drink a bottle of water to fill my bladder. After about 15 minutes they came back for another look. Not enough water, so they gave me 4 more cups. 15 minutes later they took another look and all they could see was my overly full bladder! So I went to the bathroom to drain my bladder then they looked again.

We talked to the doctor about our options for learning more information about whether or not the baby had Trisomy 18. We were told that we could do a CVS test (Chorionic Villus Sampling) an Amniocentesis, or we didn't have to do anything. Another option was to just wait and check the growth and anatomy at the 19 week scan. Generally, Trisomy babies are small and underweight so monitoring the growth of the baby is a good indicator to whether or not the baby will have T18. However, this baby has consistently measured a few days ahead of schedule in the growth department so that's reassuring.

Anyway, we opted to do the CVS test because the results are back within 2 days (tomorrow) and it tests specifically for all Trisomy abnormalities. If we did the Amnio, then we'd have to wait until week 16 so do it and the results would take longer to get back. So we opted for the CVS test. What is a CVS test? Well they insert a needle into your lower abdomen and remove fluid from between the placenta and uterine wall. They then test the fluid to determine if the baby is at risk of any chromosomal abnormalities.

They can remove the fluid, one of two ways. They can go through your cervix to retrieve it or through your abdomen. While my bladder was still full, they tried to insert a catheter, the width of a toothpick, into my cervix, up to my placenta. They do this all by ultrasound so they can see what they are doing. However, my cerclage is holding tight (thank God!) and there was no getting through it. He tried a couple time to get through, without success, so he went in abdominally. The gave me numbing medication through a syringe. He numbed the area, then with the syringe still inside me, he poked around til he found where he needed to be (guided by ultrasound) then withdrew a syringe full of fluid. That hurt quite a bit, even with the numbing medication, but it passed rather quickly and once he was done, the pain subsided.

They are testing the fluid and "growing it" to see what becomes of it. They'll determine whether or not the baby had any defects and call me tomorrow. I was there til 7 last night, and the doctor, the sonographer and 2 nurses stayed there without complaint. They close at 5, but never did they make us feel like we were a burden. Or that we needed to reschedule during "normal business hours". We left feeling important and cared for. He and his staff really were wonderful.

On top of all this, I've been experiencing high blood pressure with this pregnancy. In a non-pregnant state, my BP is consistently 120/80 but with this baby is been a lot higher. It doesn't matter who's checked it or where I've been, the time of day, it's been running about 140/90 - 140/100. I've been concerned about it and the nurses have commented about it but not one doctor has said anything about it. The perinatologists office called today and they want me to take my BP 3x daily and call them in a couple days with the results. If it continues to stay high, then I'll have to get on medication to keep it down.

That's all I know for now. I'll find out the fate of our baby tomorrow and I'll fill you guys in on the info. Thanks for being there for me and wishing me the best. I'm trying to stay calm and breathe, but it's tough. This baby is definitely spunky and different than the boys. I have to keep telling myself that. He/she is keeping me on my toes!

~Monica

Monday, March 21, 2011

Another Thing To Worry About

I was going to write about the trans abdominal cerclage procedure and my experience, but I haven't been motivated to do it...yet. But I wanted to update you with what's going on. I went to the doctor last Tuesday and opted to do the First Screen test. It's done in the first trimester and it checks to see if you're at risk for carrying a baby with Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18. I did it with both Sam and Jack and all was fine with them. So I elected to do it again this time.

There are a few different things they check for when they do this test. They do an ultrasound to check the thickness on the back of the neck (nuchal translucency), which can be an indicator of Down's. They also do a simple blood test (finger prick) and send it off, results are back in a week. They called me today to let me know that I am not at risk for carrying a baby with Down's Syndrome (Trisomy 21) but that I am at a slightly elevated risk for carrying a baby with Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome).

I know that there is a 5% chance of the results being false positive, but there's also a 95% chance that I could be at risk of carrying a baby with Trisomy 18. The doctor told me not to worry "too much" because my risk of being a carrier is only slightly elevated, but how in the hell do I NOT worry? Of course I'm going to worry, it's in my nature. They base the results on the ultrasound, the blood results as well at my age at delivery. The nurse practitioner said that the normal range for someone my age (28) to have a baby with Trisomy-18 is 1 in 150, but that my risk was 1 in 137. That seems awfully high to me. I tried to call them back to verify those numbers but they had closed 3 minutes prior. This is not a diagnostic test, but purely a test to determine if you need further testing.

They said they'd refer me to a perinatologist and would call me back with an appointment date tomorrow. I admit, I googled and got sucked in, so I shut it all down and am trying not to worry about this. I don't feel like anything is wrong, but I know that doesn't mean much. I don't want to think about even losing another child. I do know that Trisomy 18 is a deadly disease though and that 50% of babies die within 2 months and 90% die within 12 months. I don't want this to be my story. That scares the shit out of me.

Again, I have to remind myself that just because I am at a slightly elevated risk of having a baby with T-18, doesn't mean that he or she has it. This it is not a death sentence. The baby could be totally fine and I'm worrying for nothing. I hope this is the case, but we'll have to wait and do further testing- another ultrasound, more blood tests and possibly a more invasive amnio. I'll know more tomorrow, hopefully, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm hoping that by letting go of this worry and putting it out there, that it will help me deal with all this. And if you guys want to pray and cross your fingers, I'd appreciate that too.

Thanks.

Friday, March 11, 2011

From There To Here

In the Summer of 2008, I started a "secret" blog in which I wrote about my boys and heartache with much more freedom. On that blog, I wrote anonymously, and I didn't hold back. I shared everything I didn't feel like I could say here. I don't know why that is though. Maybe because in "anonymous land" you can't be judged and I thought I would here??? Not sure. But in July in 2008 I thought I was pregnant and I wrote about it in detail. The very next day I got my period. That was two and a half years ago.

I authored that blog for a short few months then took it down, but decided to save the posts so that I could read them in the future if I ever wanted to. I just read them. There was so much sorrow pouring out of my words and I look back now and I don't know who that person was. Granted it was only 4 months after Jack died and I was in a low place, but I'm glad that person is no longer. Or maybe that person still exists inside me, but I am healed. Forever scarred, but healed.

Reading those older posts made me reflect on where I was then to where I am now. And I wanted you all to know that I am pregnant. There is no way to sugarcoat that. I know some of you will be thrilled by the news and some of you will be hurt by it. I get it. I've been there and everytime I heard of someone's blessing, it stung and made me feel less than. I felt left behind. I felt like a failure. My intention is not to hurt anyone, obviously, but it's been a long time coming and I am deserving of this. You are too and if you're waiting for your miracle baby, he or she will find their way to you. I know it's easy to say "be patient" but sometimes that's what you have to do. It took us 4 years to get where we are and it was worth the wait. I now know that this was the right timing for us.

I found out of January 15th that I was pregnant but didn't believe the stick and increasingly grew anxious and fearful. Mr. H and I were in denial for a week that it was really happening so we ignored it and didn't talk about it for 8 days. Then on the following Sunday, I started to bleed quite a bit and thought I miscarried. There was a lot of blood followed by several clots and as I flushed the toilet I thought I was flushing my baby down the drain. I cried but I've been through so much worse and knew I could handle this. I cleaned myself up, protected my clothing and went to bed. The bleeding ceased and by the next morning, all was "normal" again. I called the doctor and was seen immediately. The ultrasound indicated that there was indeed a baby still growing inside me. It measured 5 weeks, 6 days and we heard it's heartbeat. A true miracle. There was no sign of bleeding within, clots or damage. There was no explanation, it just happened.

I've been to the OB several times so far. We've had a few scares with low HcG and progesterone levels, but this baby is a fighter and continues to thrive. Low HcG levels can indicate an unhealthy pregnancy or a baby that is no longer developing, but once they saw him/her on the ultrasound screen, kicking and stretching, with an even stronger heartbeat, there was no longer a concern. My progesterone levels, which help the development of the baby as well and aid in proper functioning of my organs was supplemented with progesterone suppositories, twice daily for 6 weeks. I no longer have to take those anymore because it's believed that at 12 weeks, the body takes over and starts to produce it on it's own.

I am currently 12 weeks 3 days pregnant with a due date of September 21st. This is all very surreal and it's hard to believe that it's happening. And it's happening so quickly! I waited to announce this pregnancy, not for fear of "jinxing" it but because I wanted to make certain that it was going to last. I didn't want to tell everyone I was pregnant then have to take it back. But I guess now, we're at the point of no return. What do I mean by that? Well this past Friday (March 4th) we flew to New Jersey to have an abdominal cerclage placed in my lower abdomen. I've mentioned this cerclage before but it differs from most cerclages because it's much more invasive. Instead of placing the stitch through your cervix, vaginally, they cut you open, (like a c-section) and tie a Mersilene band around the cervix at the top near the uterus. I'll write another post about this at a later time, explaining all the ins and outs of the procedure and my experience, but in the meantime, it's in place and secure and holding this baby in. It has a 99% success rate so we are optimistically hopeful.

So now we just wait and see how the rest of this pregnancy goes. I am still recovering from the procedure and am very sore and tired, but the pain meds are helping. I know it will take time to return to my normal state, but I'm taking it one day at a time. That's all I can do to get through the rest of this pregnancy.

I thank you all for sticking with me and this blog even when I had nothing to say and for those of you who continue to send prayers and good thoughts. Thank you for the well wishes that you send to me and my family.

~Monica

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Checking In

Did ya miss me? I missed you guys too. Truthfully, I've been fine and I feel like I have so much to say but when it comes to blogging I feel like I shut down, or hold back, therefore I don't blog.

I was going to wish you all a Happy New Year then, it got to be too late so here I am mid February, just checking in to say that I'm still here, alive, and well.

I do promise to update more often when I have news to share. Until then, please know that I still think of you all everyday and I wish you all the very best.

I'll be back soon.

~Monica

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Dusting Off This Blog

It's been almost a month since my last post. And even though I only blogged once for the whole month of June! That's sad, it really is. I think about this blog often and I attempt to write at least once a week, but then I get to the blank page and just stare at it. I don't know what to say. Either I don't feel like it's important or relative or...I'm at a loss for words now!

So just so you all know that I'm alive and well and this is really me and now some stranger who has high-jacked my awesome blog (ha!) I'll let you know what I've been up to.


  1. I'm still working as a part time nanny 3-4 days a week. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out but I love the boys so I get over it. If I could just figure out how to get the 3 1/2 year old to poop in the toilet and not in his pants "just a little bit" then things would be so much better.
  2. Father's Day was interesting. We spent it at home and my in-laws came over then we went to dinner. I don't have a close relationship with my dad so I didn't even attempt to contact him. I did call my grandpa and I sent him a card. I got a card and a small gift for Mr. H and we got a golf gift certificate and pj's for my FIL. I got a gift for my stepdad but I don't really think he's much of a father so I didn't call to gloat on him. In fact 98% of the time he's a complete ass. He and my mom were pissed at me for not making more of an effort to celebrate him. I was pissed about it for about a day then I got over it because he's not a father to me, why should I pretend?
  3. My birthday was a couple weeks ago. I had to work that day but I had a nice time celebrating with family and friends the day of and the weekend prior. Obviously I don't feel any older but I'm starting to get wrinkles around my eyes and I'm NOT liking it at all. Any suggestions on eye/wrinkle cream would be greatly appreciated :-) If you would like to read about my birthday, you can go here.
  4. Mr. H and I are going away for a couple days this coming weekend. Then I'm taking vacation for a week. We don't really have any plans for my time off, I just plan on relaxing and enjoying the peace and quiet.
  5. On the TTC end- it's still going. We bought some fertility aid vitamins that were supposed to improve sperm quality and general fertility. I was really excited about buying them, $100 and a month later, they were still in the bag untouched. I don't know why I didn't/couldn't take them. So I returned them. I can always repurchase them right? I guess deep down I knew they wouldn't really help anything.
  6. I 've been wanting to paint our bedroom and rearrange furniture in there for a while. But I'm a nerd and I needed to make sure that the furniture placement would work the way I wanted it to so I had to draw out a plan first. It will work :-) Now I just have to do it. I haven't really decided on a color yet, though I'm leaning towards lighter blue/gray/greens. Our room doesn't get much light so I don't want it to feel any darker than it is. Our bedding and decor is in these tones and we have dark wood furniture. Any suggestions? I'm all ears.
  7. The Texas heat is killing me and causing me to melt away a little at a time. Why is it so dang hot and humid here? I can't wait for the fall again.

Guess that's all for now. Hopefully I'll blog again before the month is over! I hope you are all doing well. Miss you guys.

~Monica

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Grief and Moving On

Started feeling guilty so I thought it was time for another post.

I guess the reason for my absence is that I don't feel like I need to blog in order to deal with my feelings. Does that make sense? It used to be that I needed to blog about everything I was feeling or experiencing in order to process it all. And it surely helped that I shared it because I felt less alone. There were other people (you guys) that understood me.

Nowadays I'm not so overwhelmed by grief so my problems seem minor in comparison, but I'm also able to talk them over with a friend or my husband and feel okay. I guess that's what one would call "normal". Though I don't always feel normal I am able to deal with everyday life situations.

Sure I have grief/fertility/TTC news that I could write about on this blog but I think twice before I share. Often times I feel it's too personal when originally that thought never crossed my mind. Progression, maybe?

Mr. H and I are okay. We are still truckin' along. There is no exciting news to share, we're still trying to conceive every month though I try not to think about it too much. I had to quit charting my saliva "ferns", marking on the calendar when we were intimate, and tracking my cycles. It became overwhelming for both of us. Each failed month that goes by still causes us stress but we're coping.

It's still hard for me to read the pregnancy/fertility/baby blogs that I used to read. It's difficult for me to continue reading about everyone's struggles and successes. I know that may sound a little chicken shit but it's the truth. When I read new stories of loss I feel deeply saddened but I don't want to go back "there". When I read stories about those that are on the other side of loss and are pregnant or have children I feel like a failure. Half of the blogs that I used to read on a regular basis don't even post even more because they've moved on. Yeah, that's purely an assumption but it's how I feel. I still read though I don't always comment because I don't have the words.

I was talking to a friend the other night over coffee at the bookstore about surpassing the 5 stages of grief- Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Check, Check, Check, Check and Check. I didn't always know about the stages of grief, but I happened to run across something online talking about it and I thought "hey, I've conquered grief". At the time I couldn't remember all five stages so I wanted to look them up in grief books. My friend said that the because I wanted to look at grief books that I was not past the acceptance stage but still in depression. I know that's just her opinion but it's something that I can't quite shake. If she sees me as depressed, surely others do. I have a hard time accepting that. Yes, thinking about my losses still hurts and makes me sad. Add on top of that all the infertility issues and some days I feel like I'm going crazy. But I'm not stuck in the dark like I used to be. I see the light though sometimes it's a little gray and cloudy.

Guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Still Here

Just don't have much to say... Thank you to those of you who checked up on me.

xoxo, Monica

Monday, March 8, 2010

New Blog

If you're interested, I started a new photo blog a couple weeks ago called Natural Lighting. It's updated daily with a new photo. It's nothing fancy, just me sharing some of my favorites.

Hope you'll check it out!