Checking In

Yesterday was Sam's 6th birthday. It didn't don on me til I was talking to my grandma the other day that he would be going to school this year and that made me so sad. We should be picking out crayons and bag packs and Batman lunch boxes. 

I know I am so blessed to have Hayden in my life and he does a great job and keeping my mind busy so I'm not constantly thinking of Sam and Jack, but he can never replace his older brothers and I don't expect him to. 

Hayden is sick again, only this time he's sneezing and has a runny nose. Mr. H took him to the doctor again and it's just a cold- no infection so we'll just have to let it's run it's course. The first night was rough because he couldn't breathe through his nose and he would wake up frustrated and whiny every 30-45 minutes. He wanted to be rocked back to sleep sitting up, which meant neither one of us got sleep. Last night was a much better night since I propped him up on the Boppy. 

We went to the cemetery yesterday to clean off the boy's headstones and to do a balloon release. Hayden was exhausted but we gave him the balloons to release into the air and he perked up a bit, though he didn't want to let them go. It was sweet to watch him squint his eyes in the sunshine and watch them fly away. We sang and took a few pictures then went home for a nap. I intended to make him cupcakes but I just ran out of time but I just took them out of the oven now and are awaiting frosting. 

My sister is in the hospital. She had to have emergency surgery on Tuesday and is doing better but she's still in a lot of pain. I wish I could go spend some time with her, but she's loopy from the medication and she's clear across town, which makes it hard to visit since Hayden isn't 100% right now either. I would let my mom babysit him, but she's been with my sister almost all day every day so that's not happening. 

We went on a roadtrip earlier in the month to see my aunt who had a baby last month. The road trip was long but it was great to see family and grandparents. Hayden got to meet family and visit the town I grew up in. I also stopped by and went to see my Dad, after not talking for nearly 6 years. That deserves a post all on it's own and I'll write about it later and share photos. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that we are still here!

Hope you all are doing well. 

~Monica

Jack's 5th Birthday

Tuesday the 21st, was Jack's 5th birthday. It's hard to believe it's been so long. This year I actually had to think long and hard about how old he would have been. Five, he would have been 5 years old. Wow. I can't even imagine having a five year old running around here. My mom was talking the other day about having three little boys around the house, but the truth of the matter is, if we hadn't lost Sam, we wouldn't have had Jack. If we hadn't have lost Jack, there wouldn't be a Hayden. It sucks that that's how things have to work out but our journey is what led us to where we are. I often say I wouldn't trade Hayden for anything, and the reality is I had to trade my two first born for him, only I didn't have a say in the matter.

Notice Hayden's outfit? We got that onesie from Target about 3 or 4 years ago and have saved it ever since for a son that would wear it. Jack's birthday was just that occasion. We also bought the same shirt in size 2T for later on :-)

We started the day off by heading to the cemetery to see the boys. I'm ashamed to admit that we haven't been to the cemetery since Sam's birthday in August, before Hayden was born. So this was the first time taking Hayden. We took Autumn as well and she was hovering over his car seat and caught his attention. He looks at her but not usually with that much intrigue. I just thought it was cute.

In the midst of packing up the entire house for an outing, we forgot the cleaning supplies for the headstones. I guess it doesn't really matter though. We took flowers to the boys and sang to Jack while Daddy told Hayden about his older brothers.

It was so different this year than last. Last year, we shared a grocery store cupcake for Jack's birthday. I was pregnant with Hayden but we were still unsure of how things would turn out- there were a lot of tears. This year, we were sad and missed him as we always do, but it just felt different having a live son there at the cemetery with us. Bittersweet is a good word to describe it, I guess. A few years ago, Mr. H bought an extra plot at the cemetery next to Sam and Jack just in case we ever needed it. That makes me sad to think about it, but he did it for me. He knew if we ever lost another I'd want them all together. But I can't help but think that could have potentially belonged to Hayden. I'm so thankful that he's in our arms and not in the ground. I hope and pray to God that that plot is never filled.

Later in the day, we took Hayden for a follow-up appointment for his kidneys. He got an ultrasound of his kidneys and bladder. His right kidney has improved significantly and the left is still enlarged and fluid filled, but it hasn't gotten worse over the past few months. The doctors are concerned about possible infection, but so far so good. He'll have another checkup in May. He was a good little patient.

Afterwards, we stopped by the Ronald McDonald House to visit with Ronald.

Then stopped to smell the flowers (and bees).

In other news, we got Hayden a Bumbo off of Craigslist. I waited to get him one because I wasn't sure if he'd like it, but so far he does. Sometimes when we hold him, we just tries to get away because he wants to do things on his own but he still wants to be near us. We usually keep it on the floor for safety reasons but he sat on the couch with his Poppa the other day and seemed to really enjoy it. He's such a cheeseball. You'll notice he's hanging on to his feet. That's his new thing. He found them a few weeks ago and loves to play with them. He'd rather play with his toes than any other toy. And his new trick is laying on his back, grabbing his feet and rolling on the floor, only he refuses to roll over completely, he just rolls over to his side, shifts positions, then does it again. After a few minutes, he's moved himself over a few feet.

Who needs teethers when you have cold metal coffee table legs? Yes, that's his soother of choice. Doesn't care for nubby teethers, cool gel teethers or frozen wash cloths. That is what he wants and it keeps him entertained because he can see his refelection in the chrome. He's so funny!

Happy Birthday Jack. We love you!

Worth The Wait

Introducing my new son:

Hayden Bonnell

September 1, 2011

8:58 am

6 pound 11 ounces

19 inches

Another Birthday and An Overnight Hospital Stay

Sunday was this blogs 4 year anniversary. But I always forget about this because the very next day is Baby Sam's birthday. Only this year he would have been 5 years old, and no longer a baby.

Mr. H and I were pondering what we'd be doing, and what our lives would be like had he survived, and this year, he would have been going to Kindergarten. We would be going to Target to pick out a lunch box and crayons and a dinosaur t-shirt to wear on the first day. And it's just not like that.

I was okay for most of the day, then we went out to the cemetery that evening to visit his grave. We cleaned his and Jack's headstones, only I didn't contribute much. My belly was hurting and it was bothering me to bend over. So we sang to him and took him a tractor toy and then I lost it. I was distracted for most of the day, because I've never been pregnant on either of their birthdays, with the exception of this year. It was different in February for Jack's birthday though, because I still wasn't sure this baby would make it. Now I'm 35 weeks pregnant and it's very real.

I'm so grateful to be carrying this baby, but I can't help but think that Sam and Jack should be here. I never thought I'd be pregnant for the third time. It's just a lot to process sometimes.

All that being said, I intended to write about Sam's birthday on Tuesday, then my doctor put me back in the hospital. The protein levels in my urine went way up and she worried that my liver and kidneys weren't functioning correctly so in I went. I was only there for a little over 24 hours. I did yet another (the 6th to date) 24-hour urine collection and they monitored my BP. It went as high as 140/90 then regulated back down to a normal range. A couple weeks ago, the protein count in my urine was 560, last week it was 430 and then yesterday it was down to 304! What?! I don't know how it keeps going down, because that rarely ever happens, but I'm grateful for it.

My doctor also scheduled my c-section. She says she doesn't let patients with pre-eclampsia go past 37 weeks, so she set the date for August 31st. But the OR was booked that day, so it was moved to September 1st, which I like much better because I want this baby to have his own birth month. Now we just have to cross our fingers and hope that he continues to bake until then.

We put the crib together and washed the bedding. We washed his laundry from 0-6 months and packed his drawers and closet. The nursery isn't quite ready yet, but we are pretty much there and we have mostly everything we need for his arrival. He'll be here in 2 weeks or less! Not sure how much he'll weigh, but as of Tuesday, according to his measurements he was 5 lbs. 11 oz. Holy cow!

On Wednesday, I celebrated a birthday and "Mister" turned 28 weeks! My belly looks huge in this picture, but that only means he's growing. According to his measurements, he's in the 55th percentile for growth and weighs about 2 lbs. 11 oz.

I also had my glucose test done this week and the doctor just called to tell me that I failed it. I'm not sure how they come up with their numbers but she said I scored a 137 and my doctor's cut off number is 134. So now I have to do the 3-hour glucose test on Wednesday. I was told to bring something to do because "there's no sleeping" in the waiting room and I have to stay there the entire time. Anyone want to play "Words With Friends" with me to keep me entertained for 3 hours? Anyone? I have a feeling this experience is going to be like the 13-week scan. A big scare and fuss, then it will turn out to be fine. I'm hoping anyway.

For my birthday, I went to the doctor for a couple hours, saw my beautiful baby boy, then we went to lunch where it turned out to be free! Then went to Anthropologie for window shopping. I've never been in there before but I left wanting one of everything. Then I went to Macy's to use a birthday coupon, that I couldn't use because my purchase didn't qualify but I bought myself a dress. Y'all I haven't worn a dress since I got married in 2005! Crazy right? I have a couple options, but I might wear that to my baby shower next Saturday. Holy crap, that's only 8 days away!

Later on for dinner, we went to Cheesecake Factory with my in-laws, Mr. H and my siblings. My mom couldn't make it because she was sick but we had a good time. They seriously have the best orange chicken ever. And the pina colada cheesecake wasn't too bad either. By bedtime, I was exhausted. Mr. H came to my side of the bed for "snuggies" wrapped his arm around my belly and felt baby kick for the first time. He only kicked once then we all fell asleep. It was the perfect end to a perfect day.

Happy Birthday Jack!

Happy 4th Birthday Jack!

We love and miss you so much.

Love, Momma and Daddy

P.S. Thank you to Sophie for making this special cupcake for Jack and for always remembering my sweet boy. It means so much.

Sam's 4th Birthday

I intended to share Sam's birthday photos with you sooner, but a couple days after his birthday on August 15th, our bunny died and that set me back a bit. I then got really sick for about 2 1/2 weeks but I'm finally feeling better. Here are a few photos from Sam's day.

Kristi sent me these pretty cupcake liners for my birthday (thanks Kristi!) so I utilized them for Sam's cupcakes. I thought they were fresh and fun and Summery, perfect for the hummingbird cupcakes that went in them. I chose hummingbird cake because it's a sweet fruity (pineapple and banana) cake and I thought it was something a 4 year old might like. I'm not totally sure if he would have liked them or not, but I know he would have eaten all that frosting on top of that cupcake! If you'd like the recipe, you can go here.

We sang Happy Birthday to Sam at the cemetery, but after I made these, I stuck a candle in it and sang to him all by myself in the kitchen.



Earlier in the day, I picked up fresh flowers for Mr. H's grandparents as well as for Sam and Jack. We visited each one individually and took them bouquets of flowers. The flowers above were chosen just for the boys. When I went to the grocery store to pick them out, the lady was super helpful. I told her I was needing bouquets to take to the cemetery, and she let me look in their walk-in cooler for the flowers they had just received so I could get the freshest pick. We chatted back and forth for a bit then she asked me who I was honoring and I told her I was taking them out to my sons. She smiled and got quiet and never said anything else after that. I browsed for several more minutes, then smiled and thanked her for her help.

Mr. H's parents joined us at the cemetery for a balloon release. Not one other family member called us on that day (or any other day). I was disappointed and felt like he was forgotten. But I thank my in-laws for asking about his day and wanting to be involved in our plans. I also have some really wonderful friends that either called, emailed or visited them at the cemetery- I love you guys!

After we wrote messages on our 4 balloons, we released them into the sky where they took off! It was interesting to see them soar into the vast blue sky, but remain together. We said our goodbye's, shed a couple tears that blended in with the sweat running down our faces, then we went to dinner at one of my favorite cafes. Afterwards we went home and had those yummy cupcakes.

All in all, it was a beautiful day.

Happy 4th Birthday Sam. We love you!

Four

Happy 4th Birthday Sam!

Non-Existent Future

I can't believe it's August already. I prefer Fall and Winter over this intense heat that we're having and I can't wait for the cooler weather to get here, however this heat is a reminder of Sam. He was born on one of the hottest days in our area in August 4 years ago. I don't necessarily associate the heat with him, but when I think of leaving the hospital without him I am reminded of it and how suffocating it all is.

Sam's 4th birthday is in 12 days. I all of a sudden feel strange calling it his "birthday" because he's not 4. Yes, it is his day of birth and yes, he would be 4 this year...perhaps it's the 4th anniversary of his birth??? Or just Sam's Day. Period.

We got an e-vite for Mr. H's cousin's birthday this coming weekend. He is turning 4 and is having a T.ransformers pool party. yay. I've written about this boy before and I refer to him as our shadow baby. He is where Sam should be. I don't usually think of this boy throughout the year, but when his birthday rolls around every August, I wonder about what should/could have been. I just can't go to this party. If he were having a BBQ party at the park just because, or if they invited us over hotdogs and cupcakes on a Tuesday, I'd have no problem seeing him, But you call it a 4th birthday and I go into panic mode.

In fact I was telling Mr. H about the e-vite and told him that we wouldn't stay, but that we'd drop off a birthday gift for him and within seconds my heart was beating faster and my stomach started to churn. Not a good idea. the thought of it was okay but as soon as I said it I panicked. I think I'll email his cousin and let her know that we can't make it but that we'll drop off a gift earlier in the week.

I don't even think I could handle seeing a group of 4 year olds playing together. It's just too much. I'd look at them and wonder how tall Sam would be. Would he be potty trained yet? Would he know how to swim? Would he tan easily like his dad or would he burn like his momma? Would his hair get lighter in the sun? Would it get wavy when wet? Would he jump in the pool and yell "Mom, look at me!"? When he got out of the pool would he give me wet sloppy hugs? Would his thick eye lashes clump together when wet emphasizing his big brown eyes like his Dad's? Would he get blue frosting all over his face turning his lips blue? Would he get jealous over the birthday boy's new Buzz Light Year? Would he beg me for one until he got one for his birthday? I can only wonder.

Do you think we'll still be like this when they start school? Or turn into teenagers? Or when they are of legal driving age? Will we resent all the graduates when our babies should have walked that stage too? How long does this go on? When this kid turns 30 years old, will I still be thinking of Sam and what he would be like? Will I be wondering if he was married or had a family? Will I be thinking about the career he should have had? When does this stop?

Jack's Third

We started off Jack's 3rd Birthday with brunch at our house. Mr. H's parents came over to share the day with us. We had Blueberry Ricotta Pancakes and a few other breakfast essentials.



Then we went to the cemetery to see the boys and their grandparents. We cleaned off their headstones and sang happy birthday to Jack. We took them fresh flowers and a special birthday boy card from his mom and dad.



We came home to Tigger and Pooh who were waiting for us and ready to have cupcakes.

We had a beautiful day with gorgeous weather and it was all about Jack. The way it should be.

Jack, I Heart You

For the last few days I felt as if I wasn't thinking enough of Jack. Today is his birthday and all I've been thinking about is Mr. H and his upcoming birthday in a couple days. It's not that I've forgotten about him it's just overwhelming and exhausting sometimes. If you've experienced a loss then you know what I mean.

I can't ever possibly go back to those first raw moments and relive our time together. It's physically and emotionally impossible. And while I think of them every single day, several times a day, my thoughts of them are different. I guess in some weird and completely invalid way I feel like because I don't grieve for them like I did that I don't love them enough. I do and I could never love them less but each birthday is a new experience for me. And while this is his 3rd, this is the 6th birthday between the two boys. They come every 6 months whether I'm ready for them or not.

I just don't want Jack's birthday or Sam's to ever be an after thought. I want them to know (and I know they do) that I love them with all my heart and I miss them just as much as I did when I first realized that they were not going to make it. But really I think it's more than that. I feel like I need to prove to others my love for them. I know this is crazy but it's all part of the game, right? It's all part of being the best mother you can be.

I live each day for them. And for myself. I can never move on and get over it, but I can move forward. I will try.

"I never did forget your birthday and I never will." ~Mother Bear (from Little Bear by Else Holmelund Minarik)

Happy 3rd Birthday Jack!

Thinking of a friend on her birthday...(Updated)

Update: Well I'm a dope and got my dates mixed up. Kristi and Sara's birthday is tomorrow. Kristi, that just means you get double the love!

And a special happy 2nd birthday to Andy!

Kristi, you and Sara are on my mind and in my heart today.

Miss you,
Monica

_________________________________________________

P.S. Did anyone else catch C.SI: New Y.ork last night? In the beginning when the guys car broke down in a bad part of town, he calls for help and tells him he's by Jack & Sam's Storage.

That made me smile :-)

The Birthday Girl!

My girl Autumn has a birthday today. I made her peanut butter and oatmeal cookies and a pink flower to put on her collar. I'm sure she's glad I didn't make her another homemade hat :-)

I've written about her on my other blog where I'm also having a giveaway. So go read, leave a comment and who knows....maybe you'll win!

Happy 5th Birthday Stinker!

My Summer Boy

At midnight we lit a candle for Sam. As I looked at the flickering flame I wondered if I should refer to Sam as a baby or a toddler. He'll forever be my baby but in my mind he's a rambunctious little boy.



I spent the better part of Friday baking and decorating this cake for Sam's birthday. I wanted to make him proud and I hope this cake does him justice. It's a 3 layer white and dark chocolate checkerboard cake frosted in a white chocolate buttercream and coated in a semisweet chocolate ganache.



I made butterflies and a dragonfly out of chocolate and candy melts using a method I found in this book.



Mr. H picked out these flowers to take out to Sam at the cemetery. I don't think they could have been more perfect. Sunflowers are the epitome of Summer. And since Sam was born on one of the hottest days of the year in 2006, I can't think of a more appropriate bouquet.



Here's the birthday boy with his flowers. They're not in this picture, but Monica took out a lovely bouquet and cards for both boys. Thank you sweetie.



My in-laws and little brother went with Mr. H and I to the cemetery. We sang happy birthday to him in 5 part harmony. Ha ha ha! If you could have only heard us. My in-laws (MIL) can't hold a tune in a bucket. It's so funny and we all end up laughing at some point during the birthday song no matter whose birthday it is. Bless her heart, she tries :-)



The sun was setting as we left the cemetery before heading to dinner. After dinner we devoured some cake and sang to him again.

We love you sweet boy. Happy 3rd birthday my toddler baby.

Happy 3rd Birthday Sam

Sam,

My dear boy it seems just like yesterday when you were born. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you or your brother. I wonder what you'd be like. It's sometimes hard for me to imagine a 3 year old boy running around the house, but I can visualize it. I see you- so full of life and spirit.

I miss you so very much. I wish you were here in real life and not just a memory. I long to hold you and be your mother. It's hard to believe 3 years have passed by and even though your father and I have had many ups and downs, we wouldn't change a thing. You and Jack were meant to be our sons and we are so proud to be your parents.

Today I wish you a very special birthday my little boy. I love you with all my heart.

Always,
Momma

Brief

Before the day runs out I wanted to take a moment to remember...

James Travis

8/13/06

My Birthday and A Trip

This post is a few days overdue, I would say.

Thank you so much for all the birthday wishes. I got a couple gifts, a few emails and lunch! So thank you all for being so sweet and kind. I love you guys!

The day before my birthday, I went to my moms and she made me shredded chicken tacos, rice and beans and a tres leches cake- yum! She also bought me an amethyst necklace and Mr. H bought me a pretty handbag and a candle.

My actual birthday was not that great. AF came and brought with her a good friend called "Bloated" and her friend "Irritability". I was one crabby lady and spent the day in my jammies. But I did manage to make myself a Strawberry Cheesecake Tart that was quite delicious!

The next day was nice though, I had a wonderful lunch with a friend (thanks Monica!) then spent the day with Mr. H. As part of my birthday gift, Mr. H planned a trip for us to go to Fredericksburg. We booked the B&B last night and we'll be taking a few days to relax and shop around a bit. I'm so excited. The cottage we're renting is so cute and it has a gazebo covered hot tub out back! Here are a few pics!

This weekend is my moms and my cousins birthday, so we'll be celebrating at home with a 4th of July/birthday BBQ. We'll be gone for 3 nights starting Monday and more than likely I won't have internet access unless we get free wi-fi in a cafe, but I'll catch up on your blogs when we get back. if any of you have ever been to F'burg, then leave me a comment and let me know places we should go or things we should do!

If you're needing a little 4th of July dessert, head on over to my baking blog for a little red, white and blue inspiration. Have a safe weekend y'all!