Hayden has been sick for about a week now. But not the typical cough, sneeze, runny nose sick that one would expect a kid to have. Instead he's been running a fever for days now.
It started last Sunday. He felt warm to the touch but I wasn't home to check his temperature so I didn't check it until Monday. All day Monday it was about 100.9. I gave him Tylenol but that didn't seem to help much. Tuesday morning he was burning up so I gave him more Tylenol and called the doctor. We went in to see him and they checked his nose, throat and ears. All were fine. Because of his previous history with having fluid in his kidneys they wanted to get a urine sample from him. They inserted a catheter and pressed on his bladder which let out big soggy tears. It hurt my heart to see him in pain. Once they were done, he was fine again but it was still upsetting. The urine test came came fine- no infection. Thank goodness.
The next step would have been to do a blood test but we decided to not put him through any more torture. Since Wednesday was a holiday, the doctors office was closed. The doctor gave us the option to take a blood sample from him or to wait it out til Thursday to see if the fever would go away on it's own. We waited.
The fever didn't go away. It was averaging about 102 but went all the way up to 103.7 and as low as 101. Wednesday night he got sick and threw up all over me and down my shirt. Talk about gross. We both got cleaned up then went to bed. Thursday morning we noticed that he still had a dry diaper and got concerned. At that point he had about 10 ounces of milk in him yet no pee was coming out. I fed him cereal and milk and shortly after eating that he threw up again. I called the doctor back and they suggested we just head to the hospital to be treated for possible dehydration.
We head to the hospital after Hayden's nap (about 4:00pm) and he still has a dry diaper. At this point I'm afraid they're going to have to put an IV into his little arms to hydrate him. The weird thing about all of this is that before the vomiting started, Hayden's only symptom was fever. Otherwise he was acting normal, eating normal, playing and happy. If he weren't hot to the touch and flushed you'd never know something was wrong with him. The doctor examined him and said he looked good. He gave him meds to help with nausea, thinking that would allow him to drink milk and keep it down. While waiting in the ER, he napped for about half an hour, then woke up and drank 4 oz of milk and an ounce and a half of diluted juice. Then after 17 or so hours, he had a wet diaper. yay! The doc on call was happy with that so he gave us a prescription for anti-nausea medication and sent us on our way. Again he gave us the option of hooking him up to an IV to hydrate him but we opted not to.
So far, the fever is mostly gone- it's still about 100 but he looks so much better. Though I think his stomach is still bothering him because he's not eating much. We had the Rx filled at Walgreen's and instead of filling it as written in a dissolvable tablet, they filled it as a liquid. Hayden did not react well to the liquid, gagged on it, then threw it up along with his dinner. ugh. The next day we called the pharmacy to refill it as a tablet and they said they couldn't fill the same Rx twice once the medication has left their pharmacy. The reason they filled it as a liquid in the first place is because our insurance wouldn't pay for the tablet. So Walgreen's had to call the hospital and speak with the on-call doctor and have him refax another prescription. They filled it the proper way, but we had to pay out of pocket for it.
Anyway, I've stopped giving him Tylenol since his fever is down, but he's still not eating much. Rather than eating 4-5 bottles a day, he's eating 2-3 in addition to cereal. He's taking the cereal pretty well, but he's not interested in any kind of liquids even when I give him the nausea medication. I don't know if it's working but he seemed to be keeping food down. And he's not acting like he's hungry. Until tonight when he puked all over me again before he went to bed. There's something about having a pool of vomit sloshing in your bra that is rather unappealing. This time I got some in my mouth too. Nasty to the nth degree.
Hayden also has a rash covering his body. The doctor said this might happen after his fever broke so we weren't too concerned once it appeared. It's not itching or bothering him that I can tell. It started under his arm on his left side and it has spread all over his torso, his neck and scalp and a tad over his face. I'm not sure how long this will last, but he just can't seem to catch a break. He's never been sick before so this is just a lot to happen over a course of one week.
On top of all that, he's not been sleeping well. I don't know if it's because his stomach is bothering him, if he's hurting or what. He wakes a couple times a night looking for his pacifier and then he goes back to sleep. Sometimes I'll rock him if I need to, but it's not always necessary. The past few nights though, he's been waking up any where between 3 and 5 am, crying abruptly and hysterically. He's inconsolable, doesn't want to be held, and just starts kicking me. I don't know what's going on. It lasts for a few minutes then he goes back to sleep. Because he's not sleeping well, he's taking an extra nap during the day to make up for it.
It's just been a rough week here in the H household. My mom's birthday was Thursday and I planned to make her dinner and a cake but we ended up spending our time in the ER instead so that didn't happen. I invited the family over tonight for her birthday dinner and while here, she tried to give him Tylenol and Orajel for his teething and she gave him gas drops.
She drives me crazy. EVERY time she babysits she gives him Tylenol and Orajel because "He's teething bad" as she would say. I don't give him meds unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't just pump his body full of crap hoping that one of those elixirs will fix him. I don't even know that he had gas but she gave him drops anyway. I know he was hesitant to eat and maybe that's why she thought he was gassy, but I was just giving him time to develop an appetite before trying again. I wanted to try giving him milk to see if he would take it before giving him the nausea medication. He wouldn't so I gave him a tablet. Later he ate.
After I gave him the meds, she took him to change his diaper. I was on the phone and the next thing I know she's digging in the diaper bag looking for Orajel and Tylenol because his teeth are bothering him. Honestly? He's been biting down and sticking his hands in his mouth since he was three months old. He didn't get teeth until 9 months. I've given him Tylenol and teething gels and he still bites down and chews on his thumb and other toys. It's not a cure-all and I'm not going to keep giving him dose after dose just because he's chewing on his pacifier. I stopped her from giving him more meds and offered a cold teether instead. 2 minutes later she said, "he doesn't want those". She annoys me.
I went to put Hayden to bed and Mr. H walked my mom out to her car. She had the nerve to ask him "why doesn't she give him what he needs?" referring to medication. How dare she? I do my absolute best to care for Hayden. Sure I make mistakes and I'm not the worlds best mom but I'm trying. Does she think if I gave him a daily does of Tylenol that I'd be a better mom? I'm pissed at her so I haven't talked to he about this yet. I made turkey pesto meatballs and spaghetti for dinner. Before she even tasted them, she gave away two of her meatballs to my brother. Apparently I served her too much. She ending up eating half of her spaghetti and left the meatballs because she "doesn't like meatballs", but then claimed that "dinner was good". Um, I'm glad she liked the jarred Prego sauce because that's all she ate. How rude can one be? If someone made me a birthday dinner, I'd be cordial and eat it even if I didn't think it was the best meal.
Whatever, I'm just annoyed so I'm venting. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. If you have any input on Hayden's illness or sleeping issues, I'd love to hear it. Some people have suggested that it could be Roseola, but I'm not convinced since the symptoms didn't quite match up. Anyone else experience any of this with their kids?
This has been on my mind lately so I thought I'd share it here and hope someone has some insight for me.
I have not spoken to my Dad since Sam died in August 2006- that was five and a half years ago. He lives over 9 hours away, though it's still in Texas and is self employed. I'm mentioning that now because it's crucial to the rest of the story. When Sam died, I called him and invited him to the funeral. Does one really need an invite to a funeral??? Anyway, I needed my Dad to be there for me. I had just lost my baby and was at the darkest moment in my life.
I've never had a close relationship to my Dad. My parents divorced when I was very young, not even sure how old I was. I never lived with him. My mom left us with my grandparents to live and while we lived in the same town as my Dad I just saw him on the weekends. My mom lived in another city. So basically my grandparents were our guardians and our parents. But my Dad paid child support, on occasion, when he felt like it.
Things were better between us as I got older because I didn't need him to take care of me. I didn't need him to pay for anything for me. I was independent and did things on my own. I moved away to a larger city in Texas to live with my mom. We spoke on the phone, we saw eachother when we returned to visit my grandparents. He and my mom both walked me down the aisle when Mr. H and I married 7 years ago. Heck he even came and spent Thanksgiving at our new house in 2005. We had a decent relationship, though we never really had that typical father-daughter type of relationship.
Okay back to when Sam died. I assumed he would be coming to the funeral. I never asked him to, but we spoke on the phone about it, and I gave him all the funeral arrangement information he would need. As soon as my aunt and grandparents found out that I had lost the baby, they drove all night to come be with us. They all live in the same town. I didn't necessarily expect him to do the same, but I thought with a few days notice he could arrange to be there to see his grandson before we buried him. Instead he called me and said they weren't coming because he had to work. Remember, I mentioned that he's self employed and my step mom works for a church. I'm pretty sure they could have arranged something if they wanted to. Money is not an issue so it wasn't because they couldn't have afforded the trip. He said they would come a few days later and we could "go shopping" to take my mind off of things. I was heartbroken, first by the lost of my son then because of my Dad.
After thinking about this for 5 1/2 years, I have come to see things a little differently. His words hurt me then, but I now understand (or I think I do) that he was probably just uncomfortable with the situation and he didn't know what to do, so coming for a social visit was easier. I now know that he didn't intend to hurt me by his actions and words. What I don't understand though is that my Dad is highly religious. They are a huge part of the church and attend 3 days a week, and both services on Sunday. My step mom works there during the week as a secretary and he is an usher. They preach the Bible, pray like it's going out of style and are quick to point fingers at people and other family members who "aren't good people". How hypocritical can one be? He claims to be a "man of God" but doesn't live by what the Bible says,.Though if you were to ask him he would say differently. My Grandma summed it up by saying "he has religion, not God".
Let me back up about 35 years. My mom and my Dad lost their first child together. It was a girl and she was born several weeks early and didn't survive. No one talks about her. I don't even know much about her other than her name, her birthday and that she was premature. So given this information, I expected him to be more sympathetic towards me and my situation. Perhaps my loss just brought back so many memories of his loss that he just couldn't deal with it??? Maybe so, but he had to have felt some kind of connection to what I was feeling. Was he not devastated or sad, or hurting, or disappointed like I was? It was almost as if he was completely disconnected.
I conveyed my disappointment towards my Dad to my mom. I was completely hurt. I needed my Dad more than ever and once again he was not there for me. If there was ever a time to step up, that was it. He didn't. My mom called him and left him a nasty voice mail, only I didn't know about it until after the fact. Well apparently he saved it and still has it and assumed that everything my mother said to him about me hating him and never wanting to see him again was exactly how I felt. He assumed because she said it, that it was directly from me. He, to this day, thinks that I was sitting right there next to my mom feeding her info so she could leave it on his answering machine. I did not. Am I mad at my mom for leaving that message? No because she was hurt because I was hurting and she spoke from her heart, even if it was out of anger. She did what she thought was best and was sticking up for me. Sure she said some not nice things to him but it's not her fault that we are on the situation we are in. He's been a disappointment all my life, this just sealed the deal.
In October of 2006, I sent my Dad a picture of baby Sam, a packet of Forget-Me-Not flower seeds, a blue remembrance ribbon and the funeral pamphlet with all the burial info on it. That was my way of making an effort to include him. At that point it had been two months without speaking to him and I never heard from him as to whether or not he even received the package. He said and did nothing to acknowledge me or his grandson. To this day, he still hasn't. I'm not even sure that he knew that I was pregnant Jack and lost him too. I wasn't even sure that he knew that I was pregnant with Hayden either.
My brother has a "relationship" with him. My brother says it works between them because my brother doesn't expect anything from him. "If you don't expect anything, you can't be disappointed" he says. Well if you ask me, that's bullshit. How can one call that a relationship? Especially when it's with a parent. I'm sorry, but I need more than that. I expect more than that from my friends and neighbors, much less my father! Isn't that what a relationship is? It's about give and take, it's about respect and courtesy towards eachother. Am I wrong? My Dad treats my brother like crap and my brother keeps going back and calling him and fixing things because he longs for that relationship too. Clearly my brother is the better man.
Anyway, about 3 years ago, my brother told me that my dad was asking about me and was wondering how I was doing. I told my brother that if he wanted to know about me all he had to do was ask. My brother then said that my dad was not going to call or reach out to me because I was "the one with the problem". That sent me over the top! Especially since he was the one inquiring about me, not the other way around.
Fast forward to now. My brother is in town visiting. He lives with my grandparents in the same town as my Dad. He and my Dad see and speak to eachother pretty regularly. My Dad told my brother that he had been having dreams about me and was concerned about me and was hoping that I was okay. He told my brother to really talk to me to and establish how I was doing. My brother told him to call me and ask and he replied that he was not going to call because I needed to do that. He told my brother that he just didn't know when I was going "to come around". I don't get it?! It's not as if he's ever reached out to me to make amends. EVER. Maybe he thinks he has because he's been trying to work things out between us using my brother as a middle man. That's not fair to my brother. And my brother has such a big heart and really wants us to work things out that he tries so hard to convince us both to be the better person and to make the first move. But here's where the problem lies. I'm not sure I care to have a relationship with him anymore and that's sad.
I think in a perfect world, we would have a relationship. We would spend holidays together and he would call me on my birthday. He hasn't done that in forever! But things are not perfect and I've spent way too much of my time hoping for him to change and become a father. Now I do believe people can change and he has definitely turned his life around from where he used to be, but still our relationship is not a priority. As I said earlier, my Dad broke my heart. I still love him and I think of him from time to time, but I am no longer holding my breath waiting for him to come around. I have found fatherly roles in other people around me because he wasn't there. After 5 1/2 years I have accepted that things are the way the are. I have accepted that we may not ever have a relationship and I'm finally okay with that. Thinking about him no longer makes me angry (until now!).
But since Hayden has been born, things have changed. He wants a picture of Hayden. He got his feelings hurt because I didn't send him a birth announcement or a Christmas card with Hayden's picture on it. Why would I? I haven't sent him one in the years past so it's not like I just decided to exclude him this year. But every year I send one to his mother (my fraternal grandmother) and he saw it. I'd be more than happy to send him a picture of Hayden if he called and asked for one, but I'm not sending one if he's asking through my brother. I'm not trying to be stubborn here, I just think I deserve more than that.
There was a point where I had so much to say to him and a wise friend of mine told me that he wasn't worth my time and energy. That being upset and holding a grudge only upset me, it only affected me, not him. And that's when I finally understood that she was right. It's like that whole forgiveness thing. You forgive people to set yourself free not to let the people who've wronged you off the hook. I can't say for sure that I have forgiven him, but I've accepted the way things are and I've moved on with my life.
I guess what upsets me now is that my Dad is bringing up the voice mail that my mom left. And saying that because she said I hated him, that I must. I don't hate him. I've told my brother that and he's told my Dad that but he doesn't believe him. He's even spoken to my mom on multiple occasions and he's never once brought it up to her. He wants me to call and tell him that I don't hate him. My Dad says I shouldn't hold on to the past because "the past will kill you" but that's exactly what he's doing. He's a hypocrite. I've moved on and he's dragging me back to that dark place that I don't want to be. I've asked my brother to stop relaying his messages to me and he's asked my Dad the same thing but they just keep on coming. I keep replaying these conversations in my head and it just angers and frustrates me. My brother thinks it's his fault and it's not.
I'm not sure what to do with all of this. I don't feel that it's necessary for me to call. I'm not the one that has anything to say to him. I've made my peace within myself. I've beaten myself up over this for far too long and I'm done. I have my own family that fulfills me and he's not part of it- that was his choice. I think he wants to be a part of Hayden's life though and I'm just not okay with that. He can't have a relationship with my son without having one with me. I'd rather Hayden not know about his grandfather than to ever be disappointed by him like I have been all my life. I don't ever want Hayden to feel unloved or hurt by that man. And I surely don't think it's my responsibility to introduce Hayden into his life just because they're related. If he wants to know Hayden, isn't that his responsibility to make an effort?
Please set me straight here. If I'm wrong, tell me. Is there something I'm not seeing here? Can some of you relate to his side of the story? I need enlightenment. I don't want to deprive Hayden of a relationship with my Dad, but he's just not a good father and I want to protect him from all the hurt he's caused me over my lifetime. Then I start second guessing myself and think that just because he was a crappy father to me doesn't mean he'll be that way with Hayden. But how do I know? It's just too risky.
I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. Thank you Lori!
Here's a quick update in bullet form. I've been wanting to get on and update, just haven't had the time!
Miss you all. I'll be back soon with his 2 month picture!
Today is October 15th, a day of awareness and remembrance. Please take a moment to read and speak these babies names aloud. They deserve to be acknowledged. These are the angels that I "know".
How very softly you tiptoed into our world.
Here I am just 2 days before giving birth to Hayden. I already miss being pregnant. I know that may sound crazy, but I do. This pregnancy was taxing, but I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. Well, obviously, I traded the pregnancy in for the baby, but you know what I mean. I just miss the bond we shared together- his movements, his kicks, the waddling, the cravings :-). I'd much rather have him here than to be pregnant, but I miss that and it was over so quickly. I was just telling my doctor I needed a transition period between being pregnant and bringing him home. It's so different, even though I'm caring for the same child.
Arriving at the hospital at 7am. My doctors office is right across the street behind that sign. It was a privilege parking there.
The c-section went very quickly. We arrived at 7 and got prepped. We were to head back to the OR at 9am, but we were ahead of the schedule by about 30 minutes, so I went back early. I wish I could have slowed everything down, as it just went by so fast. Thinking back now, I wish I could have rubbed my belly one last time too.
My friend Lori was allowed in the OR to photograph his birth. I'm so glad my doctor allowed that because I know I'll treasure those photos forever. So much was going on and it happened so fast I don't remember all of it. I fully expected the procedure to take longer than it did. It seems like I was in there on the table getting prepped then 5 minutes later he was being pulled out of me. I wasn't sure how I'd react, but once I heard his cry it became so real. It's almost like I was still expecting things to go wrong. He was alive and crying and it just seemed so surreal. At this point, I felt like I was dreaming.
At birth, Hayden weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces, but when we left the hospital he was about 6 pounds, 3 ounces. He's been eating well, though breast feeding has been a challenge. Once I started pumping, I started producing more but he refuses my breast. I think it's because eating from the bottle comes much easier and he doesn't have to work for it. He's a lazy (but eager) eater! I'd love to breast feed, but at this point I'm just glad that I'm able to feed him breast milk rather than formula. There's nothing wrong with formula feeding, but they gave him some at the hospital because he was "jittery" and it didn't settle well with his stomach- he spit it up about 4 different times.
I'll keep up all updated as I know something more. My doctor thinks I'll still deliver early, but perhaps we'll make it past the 34 week mark. Which is a good thing, because that's only one week away! I'm not quite ready for him to make his appearance yet. I'd be thrilled to make it to 36 weeks. Cross your fingers for me!
And as always, thank youfor being here for me. I appreciate your comments, emails, prayers and concern. They mean so much to me and help me get through another day.
~Monica
I am now at the same gestation that I was when we lost Jack. This coming Thursday will mark the day when we lost Sam at 17w1d. It's a stressful week to say the least.
I went to the perinatologist on Wednesday for a follow-up appointment and they checked on the baby as well as my cervix. My cervix was measuring about 4 cm, and was closed. All that's good news but I still have doubts this thing will hold as it should. It's just a scary time for me. I go back in to my regular OB on Tuesday so I'll be able to see the baby again. In the last few days I've been feeling pressure and have a feeling of heaviness in my lower abdomen and on my cervix. This all could be completely normal but I can't help but think otherwise.
In other news, our guest bathroom has a leak in the tub. I noticed water pooling outside the tub when I showered and just thought that I wasn't closing the shower curtain correctly, but yesterday I let the water run for a few minutes before I got in and there was a puddle of water on the floor again, even though the water was facing away from the curtain. the leak was coming through the wall. Our linen closet backs up to the shower so we pulled out blankets, and towels only to find there was mold and mildew on the sheet rock and under the carpet. Then I thought that we (read: Mr. H) should check the carpet and walls in the adjoining room, which is the living room, to see if there was any damage. And there was. There was mold on the lower part of the wall behind the media cabinet. All the mold has been cleaned up and I'm not allowed to go near any of it. The carpets are dry and as I type, Mr. H is tearing down the walls on all three sides of the tub.
I've decided all of this is merely a distraction so that I'm not thinking about the baby and I can concentrate on something else. But I feel useless because I can't help and while Mr.H doesn't want me in there, I think he's a little bitter about having to do all the work himself. He is fully capable, he is a handyman after all, but his parents are on the way to assist.
I'll update when I know something else.
This just happened.
I just went to bed. I lay there trying to clear my mind.
I started to think about coffee, which reminds me of a drive-thru shop in the neighboring town.
The coffee shop reminds me of the ceramic shop. I haven't painted pottery in over a year...maybe two.
I see myself sitting at the table with a full pregnant belly.
I am painting a name plate for the nursery.
The color paint is pink, and her name is "Layla".
Started feeling guilty so I thought it was time for another post.
I guess the reason for my absence is that I don't feel like I need to blog in order to deal with my feelings. Does that make sense? It used to be that I needed to blog about everything I was feeling or experiencing in order to process it all. And it surely helped that I shared it because I felt less alone. There were other people (you guys) that understood me.
Nowadays I'm not so overwhelmed by grief so my problems seem minor in comparison, but I'm also able to talk them over with a friend or my husband and feel okay. I guess that's what one would call "normal". Though I don't always feel normal I am able to deal with everyday life situations.
Sure I have grief/fertility/TTC news that I could write about on this blog but I think twice before I share. Often times I feel it's too personal when originally that thought never crossed my mind. Progression, maybe?
Mr. H and I are okay. We are still truckin' along. There is no exciting news to share, we're still trying to conceive every month though I try not to think about it too much. I had to quit charting my saliva "ferns", marking on the calendar when we were intimate, and tracking my cycles. It became overwhelming for both of us. Each failed month that goes by still causes us stress but we're coping.
It's still hard for me to read the pregnancy/fertility/baby blogs that I used to read. It's difficult for me to continue reading about everyone's struggles and successes. I know that may sound a little chicken shit but it's the truth. When I read new stories of loss I feel deeply saddened but I don't want to go back "there". When I read stories about those that are on the other side of loss and are pregnant or have children I feel like a failure. Half of the blogs that I used to read on a regular basis don't even post even more because they've moved on. Yeah, that's purely an assumption but it's how I feel. I still read though I don't always comment because I don't have the words.
I was talking to a friend the other night over coffee at the bookstore about surpassing the 5 stages of grief- Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Check, Check, Check, Check and Check. I didn't always know about the stages of grief, but I happened to run across something online talking about it and I thought "hey, I've conquered grief". At the time I couldn't remember all five stages so I wanted to look them up in grief books. My friend said that the because I wanted to look at grief books that I was not past the acceptance stage but still in depression. I know that's just her opinion but it's something that I can't quite shake. If she sees me as depressed, surely others do. I have a hard time accepting that. Yes, thinking about my losses still hurts and makes me sad. Add on top of that all the infertility issues and some days I feel like I'm going crazy. But I'm not stuck in the dark like I used to be. I see the light though sometimes it's a little gray and cloudy.
Guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading.
We went to the cemetery today to visit Mr. H's grandparents and the boys. Upon driving up to the section in which his grandparents rest, I realized their flowers looked a little funny. We grabbed a new bouquet from the back seat along with some things to clean the headstone. When we approached their marker we realized that the flowers did indeed look funny. They weren't in a vase. Instead they were sticking in a hole in the ground in where a vase should be.
We went to the office to inquire about it. I waited in the car while Mr. H went in to talk to someone about the missing vase. their response was that there were two brothers that were going around central Texas stealing thousands of bronze vases to melt them down and collect the money. Who does that? The men were caught and are now in prison (according to the woman he spoke to) but the cemetery doesn't plan on replacing the vases and they aren't being returned.
Luckily, the boys headstones and vases were untouched.
So in order to get another vase to replace the stolen one, WE have to pay for it. That is wrong on so many levels. They did say that instead of the usual $300 to replace it we could purchase one for $60. Again, not okay with me. Over 400 bronze vases were stolen from this one cemetery, yet we were never notified. I know it's not the cemeteries fault that this happened but doesn't someone have to be held responsible.
What would you do?
Sorry guys for asking for your prayers and thoughts for my cousin and not filling you in on the outcome. My cousin is doing very well and was released from the hospital last week. He's getting his life back together doing better than we all expected. We appreciate all your kind thoughts. I truly believe they got him through this. Thank you.
I've been sick for the last 10 days and feeling like major crud. I went to the doctor and he said it was a virus and sent me home. wtf? So I've been taking lots of cold medicine and allergy stuff in attempts to get better. Finally feeling a little better but I'm still pretty congested and coughing quite a bit. ugh.
Still taking care of the kiddos but I'm working a couple hours extra a week. LD goes to school a couple days a week so on those days I pick him up from school at noon then take care of his the rest of the day. Since I was sick last week, it was hell! It took everything I had not to call in sick, of course that meant I was falling asleep at work.
Since I pick up LD from school on my way to work, that means I have to have a car seat in my vehicle. Did you just read that? I have a car seat in my vehicle! I feel like such a fraud. I guess on the outside my life looks ideal. I live in the suburbs, I drive a big SUV and I have a car seat in the back, which must mean I have the perfect family and life. very soccer mom-ish, no? It really irritates me to have that seat in my car. I almost feel like people are judging me because of it. Or maybe that's just me judging other people because that's how I feel about the situation???
Anyway, I had a thought today. I was driving to my moms house and approached a red light. I stopped and glanced over to my left and saw a weed growing out of the concrete through a crack. I've always marveled at that because I just think it's amazing how life just happens and thrives in the most unexpected places. Really, what are the odds? Then I thought, my uterus is kind of like the concrete. I'm just waiting for a crack in which something will grow. Really, what are the odds?
I'm sorry for the last post. Well not really sorry, but I didn't mean to make any of you feel like I didn't appreciate your friendship. Sarah, you in particular.
I just get in my ruts, at least a couple times a month, where I feel let down by the world. It's a stupid selfish feeling and it's all because I can't have what I want. I know that you can all relate.
I just feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck sometimes. Looking at me you couldn't tell, but my spirit is crushed. I feel defeated. I know that some of you can relate to what I'm feeling at this very moment and some of you have no idea what's running through my mind. And that's okay. My last post wasn't meant to be a roll call to see who actually read my blog, but it did confirm who doesn't. And that hurts a little.
It just seems that everyday is a roller coaster ride for me. I'm up and I'm down. I cry then I'm over it and move on. I'm exaggerating a little bit. Not every day is like this but enough to make a difference. According to my boss there's a "baby explosion" happening in this country. And she feels the need to tell me weekly about all her pregnant friends and family, including the one who is pregnant with twins and is naming them Juan Pablo and Pablo Juan (no lie). Every week. "Everyone is just getting pregnant!" Well no, not everyone. I haven't told her what's going on with us because I don't want her to know our business and I don't need the questions that follow. And just think if I had told her a year ago when we started TTC, there would be questions, and feeling sorry for me. And would it make her think twice about opening up her mouth about all the preggos of the world? Probably not.
It's not just her friends that are pregnant either. It's everywhere. It's on many many blogs that I read too which makes me want to shut the laptop and never open it back up. But then I remember that you all are my support system and that would be like turning my back on you and that's not fair. At the same time, it hurts to read some of your blogs. I can't relate at this moment to your parenting problems, or your crying babies and sleepless nights. I can't relate to your growing bellies and that renewed excitement. I can't relate to your nausea so please excuse me if I don't read or comment on your blogs as much. I try, I really do. I subscribe to 130 blogs and I try and read all of them when updated, but sometimes I open up my reader and I'm stuck at the first paragraph unable to read any further. It's paralyzing for me. But know I'm still here.
That's all for now. I just felt like I needed to explain myself a little better. There have been other things but mostly the feeling of being lapped again. I feel like I'm in a different category all together. I just want others who can relate and tell me I'm not alone. I want others who struggle just the same and while I know they're out there it doesn't make me feel any better. As Rachel said, there isn't anything you can do to change my situation or make me feel better. I don't expect you to, because I don't even know how to help myself.
It just seems that my life is one big waiting game while the rest of the world moves on and lives their life. I want to move on and live my life too and I'm not sure how to do that.
Not much going on lately, which I guess is a good thing.
On Saturday we went to the capitol and took family pictures. Actually my talented friend, Lori, took our pictures. We had great fun though it was a little humid. I can't wait to see how they turned out! We haven't taken a family photo (mom and siblings) since my sister was about 9 months old. She is now 23! Crazy huh? I'd say it was about time for another. This time my little brother, my step dad and my hubs were all there too. I'll share them with you when I get them. Thanks again Lori!
After our photo shoot we went to the RV show. Don't laugh. I'd love to get an RV and travel with the pets. Oh, that would be so much fun, don't you think? Especially this time of year when the leaves are changing and it's getting cooler.
After the RV show we went to dinner at Out.back Steakhouse. We were going to go somewhere else but I remembered how good and garlicky their Caesar salad was, so that's where we went. When we were seated at our table they had a laminated booklet of appetizers and desserts propped open on the table showing 2 pages.
On the right page was a picture of a birthday cake and candle that said "It's Jack's Birthday!". As I sat down, I saw the other page that was an ad for Sam A.dams Beer. I smiled at Mr. H sitting across the table from me- both our boys were right there with us for dinner.
Afterwards we went to see a movie- Love H.appens. It was much more different than I expected. I knew that A.aron Ec.hart's wife in the movie died then he later met J.ennifer A.niston's character and fell in love. Kinda. His wife did die and he did meet another woman but it was so much more than that. In the movie he wrote a self-help book for those who were grieving the loss of a loved one. 90% of the movie is about him trying to help others deal with their losses when he hasn't even dealt with his own loss.
A father in the movie lost his son and he blames himself. The feelings that they portrayed were so real and took me back to those days. The blame, the guilt, the desperation. Of course it all had a happy ending but it wasn't so much of a love story/romance as one would expect. I think A.aron Eck.hart was brilliant in this movie but just know it's not one for a first date. And don't forget your tissues.
On another note, I am making sugar cut-out cookies and cupcakes for a "welcome baby" party this weekend. You may remember that I told you about A's friend who was pregnant with twins until one (Luci) died. Well the surviving twin is doing well and growing like a weed. I haven't seen her but I've been told she looks like a "normal" newborn baby. Her due date was in August but since she was born a little early she had to stay in the hospital for several weeks. She is home now and has been for a month or so they're having a welcome/meet the baby party for her this Sunday. I was invited but I don't think I'll go. It just doesn't feel right.
"This policy/certificate does not cover any loss incurred by Monica H as a result of incompetent cervix, complications therefrom, and treatment therefor. This rider specifically excludes loss incurred as a result of preterm labor. "
I've been so sick to my stomach about it all so I haven't made any effort to contact the insurance company to see what they'll cover. Apparently we've been paying all this time for nothing. I wondered what they will cover and according to the policy, they'll pay for hospital stay and medications at delivery. My OB thinks we shouldn't drop the insurance because if that's the only thing they cover that's at least $15,000 we don't have to pay for.
.JPG)
.jpg)
