raining on my parade

It seems every other post I write is about a visit from AF. This one is no different. If you want to stop reading or if you want to comment and tell me to shut up and stop feeling sorry for self then go ahead. I deserve it.

With my cycle being thrown off because of the unexpected bleeding I had last month I wasn't sure when Aunt Flo would visit. She came today, which I half expected because I was having lower back pain a couple days ago. Before I went to bed last night I went to the bathroom and when I wiped it was faintly pink. I went to bed hoping that was all it was.

I'm not terribly upset. I am frustrated though. I let my mind go there, though I don't tell anyone so I don't jinx myself. I start thinking that I actually could be pregnant because my breast are sore (and have been for 2 weeks now). In fact I got kind of giddy when I woke in the middle of the night to tell Mr. H to stop snoring. You see, I'm a heavy sleeper and can sleep through anything. But when I was pregnant with both boys, the slightest thing woke me up. The one thing that was a constant bother was Mr. H's snoring.

It's not loud by any means but I heard it. So when I woke up in the middle of the night to his snoring I was hopeful. I took it as a sign.

Of course I didn't test though because denial is a good thing. In my mind I think that if I am pregnant and I wait as long as I can to test then at least that much time has passed and I don't have to face reality. Ignorance really is bliss.

And while I'm at it can I just complain (some more!) about everyone else getting pregnant? I started a food blog awhile back to get my mind of things. It really helped and because I love to bake and blog so it was a nice distraction. In food blog lands, things don't get too personal. Sure you get to know people through their style of cooking, and who they cook for but that's as far as it usually goes. It seems though that lately they all keep getting pregnant! I've learned of 4 different pregnancies over the past few weeks. I want to run and hide and bury myself in a different hobby that doesn't involve fertile women. Perhaps knitting with grannies??? Anyone want to join me?

Another frustration of mine is with my health insurance. I was covered under my mom's insurance til I was 25 years old. Then Mr. H and I got our own insurance together (he was previously not covered). For the last 2 years we've been paying for maternity coverage as well just in case. We started out paying $400/month for both of us. That included the maternity benefits. It has gone up twice over the last year and we're now paying $517/ month. About $130 of that is the maternity benefits that I have paid for the last 2 years (accumulated amount $3120!)

We met with a couple insurance reps that met with us at our house to discuss our options for a different provider. They were not aware of my unique circumstances. So after finding out about it, they told us there was not an insurance company that would cover us for any cheaper. We then discovered a rider in insurance agreement that says:

"This policy/certificate does not cover any loss incurred by Monica H as a result of incompetent cervix, complications therefrom, and treatment therefor. This rider specifically excludes loss incurred as a result of preterm labor. "

We could get group insurance (it only takes 2 people to make a group) that would cover everything pertaining to a future pregnancy but that would cost us about $1000/month. We don't have a grand to spend on insurance a month. We can barely afford the $500. So I'm not sure what we're going to do. It's been about 3 weeks since the insurance reps said they'd look into new plans and call our insurance to see exactly what they'll cover. They haven't called us back. And I don't really care.

I've been so sick to my stomach about it all so I haven't made any effort to contact the insurance company to see what they'll cover. Apparently we've been paying all this time for nothing. I wondered what they will cover and according to the policy, they'll pay for hospital stay and medications at delivery. My OB thinks we shouldn't drop the insurance because if that's the only thing they cover that's at least $15,000 we don't have to pay for.

It just pisses me off. How can they take our money and give us a policy for maternity benefits only to say they're not going to cover any maternity care? They're frauds. And how could I have been so stupid to not realize this until now?