Cribs, Changing Tables, Baby Shower Invites and My Boobs :-)

Before I write about what I was going to write about, I have to bad mouth Blogger for a minute. They're ticking me off! I just wrote this whole post hit publish then it told me to sign in. Uh hello, how did I manage to get to this page if I wasn't already signed in? When I tried to sign in (AGAIN!) it took me to another page and deleted my entire entry! For the last couple weeks, every time I go to sign it, it kicks me back out and won't let me comment on some blogs. When I try to sign in and go to that blog, it signs me back out. Ugh! Blogger if you're reading this, you're pissing me off!

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I am at 27 weeks today! I went to the doctor and got another shot. My next real appointment will be next Wednesday when I have another ultrasound, get another shot and also do my glucose test. I've heard that's not so fun. I'm pretty sure I'll do some complaining but I'll survive. Next Wednesday the 29th is also my birthday. I see Cheesecake Factory in my future. woo hoo!

This is the crib we purchased. We ordered it over the weekend and it came in today! I've always wanted a navy crib and they're just not very common. Maybe that's why I like them. I found two of them, one from Stanley furniture that costs about $1200 and this one from Baby Mod available through Wal-Mart for $250. It was actually on sale for $199 so we jumped on it. It shipped for less than $10 and was here in 3 days. It's made entirely of New Zealand pine and looks to be a quality product. We're not ready to assemble it yet but we opened it to inspect it and it's in great condition. The picture looks likes it's black, but it's really a dark navy. I just love it.

Our changing table on the other hand still isn't here. We went to pick it up on Thursday and one of the joints was filled with excess glue. We pointed it out to the pick-up guy and he attempted to clean it up but it didn't really work. In fact he sprayed some aerosol stuff on it and began to wipe it up and it started to remove the stain from the side of the chest. the rag he was using was colored brown, so not only did he not fix it, but he made it worse. They're ordering yet another one for us, but they're out of stock in their warehouse until the first of the month so we shall wait. Hopefully the third one is the charm!

We sent out baby shower invites on Friday. My mom ordered them through Vista Print and picked out the jungle safari theme. I was wanting something simpler and more elephant based but I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't love the one she picked out. Instead I just selected the one I would have chosen for myself and we ordered both. That made us both happy!

A couple years ago I bought a punch from Martha Stewart crafts of an elephant. I totally forgot about it until a few weeks ago. I used it to punch out colored confetti to stuff into the envelopes. I think they're just so cute.

That's enough of the fun stuff. Last week when I went to the doctor, I told her about some pain that I was having in my left breast. It's been hurting now for a couple weeks, but it comes and goes, it's not constant. It's on the left side and underneath my areola and it feels like an intense burning sensation. She felt around and said I had dense, fibro cystic breasts and sent me to the breast imaging center for an ultrasound.

I went the very next day for an u/s. The sonographer said everything was "beautiful" and that she didn't see anything to be concerned about. The radiologist came in to speak with us and to do a scan of his own, but didn't find or see anything either. He said if it continued to hurt then I could come back later for another u/s or I could wait til after I gave birth and and they could have a mammogram, but he didn't think it was necessary. I thought maybe it was a milk duct or something similar that was giving me problems but they told me to ask my OB about that. I asked her about it today and she said that everything looked normal and that it was probably just hormones. Which doesn't exactly explain why I'm having pain, but the nurse said that burning sensations usually mean that it's nerve related. For now, it goes diagnosed but a couple days after my appt. I got a letter from the breast imaging center that said "We're happy to inform you that you do not have cancer". That was the least of my concerns, but I'm glad to know it!

Flowers In A Hole

We went to the cemetery today to visit Mr. H's grandparents and the boys. Upon driving up to the section in which his grandparents rest, I realized their flowers looked a little funny. We grabbed a new bouquet from the back seat along with some things to clean the headstone. When we approached their marker we realized that the flowers did indeed look funny. They weren't in a vase. Instead they were sticking in a hole in the ground in where a vase should be.

We went to the office to inquire about it. I waited in the car while Mr. H went in to talk to someone about the missing vase. their response was that there were two brothers that were going around central Texas stealing thousands of bronze vases to melt them down and collect the money. Who does that? The men were caught and are now in prison (according to the woman he spoke to) but the cemetery doesn't plan on replacing the vases and they aren't being returned.

Luckily, the boys headstones and vases were untouched.

So in order to get another vase to replace the stolen one, WE have to pay for it. That is wrong on so many levels. They did say that instead of the usual $300 to replace it we could purchase one for $60. Again, not okay with me. Over 400 bronze vases were stolen from this one cemetery, yet we were never notified. I know it's not the cemeteries fault that this happened but doesn't someone have to be held responsible.

What would you do?

Moms Day Out

I debated with myself about writing this post. I always fear that when I talk about someone they're going to find out and it will end up biting me in the ass. However I'm not talking about this person in a bad way, just as I see it. That just so happens to not be so good :-)

Mr. H's cousin invited me to lunch today. She has a 3 1/2 year old that was born just days before Sam. I love her I really do. And while we have a few things in common and we get along well, we just aren't that much alike. For instance she is 12 years older than me and is a mother to 3 living children. That is who and what she is-- a mother.

She brought her child along with us to lunch and I knew this so it wasn't a surprise to me but it was so hard to not look at him and wonder about my Sam. They would be the same age, had he lived. Would they be friends? Would his mom and I be closer? Would we have play dates? Just the thought of that is sickening. I just don't know. But today made me realize what I am not. Or rather what I do not have.

We live fairly close to one another so she picked me up and we went to the mall since she and I both had a couple things to return. After that, we went to Gy.mbor.ee, Chi.ldrens P.lace, The Di.sney St.ore, we waited so her wee one could get on a carousel in the middle of the mall, we browsed the windows of Bu.ild A Be.ar and we had lunch in the food court. After that we went to a larger department store so I could look for something to wear for the funeral. When we left we picked up her kiddos from school.

Now I don't want to say that she was being selfish in wanting to go to these places because that is her life and those are her interests. Those are the places she needs to go...but I have no business in there whatsoever! In fact most of the time I was watching the stroller or making sure her child didn't run out of the store while she was shopping. At one point she handed me her Starbucks and asked me to hold on to it so she she could finish looking. It was my day off yet I was still running after a 3 year old. This bothered me. A lot.

Not to defend her or her actions but maybe this is what she and her friends do together???

Of course I said nothing. What could I say? I don't fault her for being a mother. I don't fault her for not knowing what it's like to be a childless mother. And while she did try to make small talk about us TTC, she just doesn't get it. We live in separate worlds and yet just a couple miles in between.

While The Feelings Are Still Fresh

I've had tender breasts for 2 weeks.
I thought this months could be it. Where have you heard that before?
I didn't want to say it outloud for risk of jinxing myself or being disappointed and looking/feeling like an asshole later on.
I sat and fed Baby M today and admired his sweet face.
I wondered if I would be feeding my own 10 month old in a year and a half.
I was waiting for a few more days to test.
I was dreaming about what a nice quiet and private weekend Mr. H and I would have together to relish in our news.
News that I made up in my head.
I was thinking about quitting my job, and what a perfect time it would be since I have off the entire month of December anyway.
I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing the "bad" underwear.
The same pair of underwear I have worn and gotten a visit from Aunt Flo for the last 4 months.
I vowed to myself to throw them away once I got home.
I went to the bathroom before I left work and...well you know.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like an idiot.
Why can't I do this?!
What am I doing wrong?!
Did I mention that this is our 12 month of trying?
I'm afraid of the secondary infertility title.
I don't want the extra burden or expense.
Why is this so difficult?
I feel worthless. Utterly worthless.

Please don't tell me you're sorry.

raining on my parade

It seems every other post I write is about a visit from AF. This one is no different. If you want to stop reading or if you want to comment and tell me to shut up and stop feeling sorry for self then go ahead. I deserve it.

With my cycle being thrown off because of the unexpected bleeding I had last month I wasn't sure when Aunt Flo would visit. She came today, which I half expected because I was having lower back pain a couple days ago. Before I went to bed last night I went to the bathroom and when I wiped it was faintly pink. I went to bed hoping that was all it was.

I'm not terribly upset. I am frustrated though. I let my mind go there, though I don't tell anyone so I don't jinx myself. I start thinking that I actually could be pregnant because my breast are sore (and have been for 2 weeks now). In fact I got kind of giddy when I woke in the middle of the night to tell Mr. H to stop snoring. You see, I'm a heavy sleeper and can sleep through anything. But when I was pregnant with both boys, the slightest thing woke me up. The one thing that was a constant bother was Mr. H's snoring.

It's not loud by any means but I heard it. So when I woke up in the middle of the night to his snoring I was hopeful. I took it as a sign.

Of course I didn't test though because denial is a good thing. In my mind I think that if I am pregnant and I wait as long as I can to test then at least that much time has passed and I don't have to face reality. Ignorance really is bliss.

And while I'm at it can I just complain (some more!) about everyone else getting pregnant? I started a food blog awhile back to get my mind of things. It really helped and because I love to bake and blog so it was a nice distraction. In food blog lands, things don't get too personal. Sure you get to know people through their style of cooking, and who they cook for but that's as far as it usually goes. It seems though that lately they all keep getting pregnant! I've learned of 4 different pregnancies over the past few weeks. I want to run and hide and bury myself in a different hobby that doesn't involve fertile women. Perhaps knitting with grannies??? Anyone want to join me?

Another frustration of mine is with my health insurance. I was covered under my mom's insurance til I was 25 years old. Then Mr. H and I got our own insurance together (he was previously not covered). For the last 2 years we've been paying for maternity coverage as well just in case. We started out paying $400/month for both of us. That included the maternity benefits. It has gone up twice over the last year and we're now paying $517/ month. About $130 of that is the maternity benefits that I have paid for the last 2 years (accumulated amount $3120!)

We met with a couple insurance reps that met with us at our house to discuss our options for a different provider. They were not aware of my unique circumstances. So after finding out about it, they told us there was not an insurance company that would cover us for any cheaper. We then discovered a rider in insurance agreement that says:

"This policy/certificate does not cover any loss incurred by Monica H as a result of incompetent cervix, complications therefrom, and treatment therefor. This rider specifically excludes loss incurred as a result of preterm labor. "

We could get group insurance (it only takes 2 people to make a group) that would cover everything pertaining to a future pregnancy but that would cost us about $1000/month. We don't have a grand to spend on insurance a month. We can barely afford the $500. So I'm not sure what we're going to do. It's been about 3 weeks since the insurance reps said they'd look into new plans and call our insurance to see exactly what they'll cover. They haven't called us back. And I don't really care.

I've been so sick to my stomach about it all so I haven't made any effort to contact the insurance company to see what they'll cover. Apparently we've been paying all this time for nothing. I wondered what they will cover and according to the policy, they'll pay for hospital stay and medications at delivery. My OB thinks we shouldn't drop the insurance because if that's the only thing they cover that's at least $15,000 we don't have to pay for.

It just pisses me off. How can they take our money and give us a policy for maternity benefits only to say they're not going to cover any maternity care? They're frauds. And how could I have been so stupid to not realize this until now?

"Stress Doesn't Make Babies"

So.... this month is a bust conception wise. How do I know that you ask? Well there's been no sex, that's why.

Mr. H and I are fine, that's not why we're not doing it just in case you were wondering.

I started my period on August 2 and ended on the 7th. I should have ovulated anywhere between days 14- and 18. I'm not quite sure when I do, but that's when I get peak readings. That also happens to be the same time of month that I feel like complete shit.

I've been getting really bad headaches that sometimes turn into migraines. Along with them comes nausea and all I want to do is sleep. So needless to say no sex on those nights either. Which is bad because that's when we should be doing it! So frustrating.

Then when we did have sex, I was extremely uncomfortable and in pain. It was normal sex, nothing outrageous (this is so weird to talk about...) but it hurt so we stopped. A couple days later we tried again and finished but still not fun for me. We haven't done it since and that was the 15th and 17th. Mr. H is getting anxious.

I made an appointment last Wednesday to see my Gyno then the very next day I started bleeding unexpectedly. I bled for 5 days like a normal cycle. But this throws me off because I don't know if I was ovulating then, or if I'm supposed to start counting from the first day of bleeding and call it a new cycle???

I went to the doctor on Monday and she did an exam and ordered a pelvic ultrasound. Except I had to go to another place to get the u/s because they were all booked up. I got off work early to go get an ultrasound and they couldn't do it because my bladder wasn't full enough, despite drinking the recommended amount of fluid, and they couldn't see anything.

I went back this morning with an uncomfortable-on-the-verge-of-painfully-full bladder. They did the ultrasound and the whole time the tech kept making faces. I know she was just concentrating but her face had a look of concern on it. I know they can't tell me anything about what they're seeing on the screen, but I asked if everything looked okay and all she said was, "I can't say anything" and that was that. So now I have to wait til Friday morning to get the results.

I'm scared. I convinced myself that I was pregnant and was miscarrying and didn't know it. That could be true if 1). We had sex! and 2). I were actually pregnant. I'm not. They did a test that came back negative. I've also convinced myself that I have lady part cancer. I don't know why, my mind just goes there. Really, what else could go wrong?

And on top of all that (yes, it does get worse) I had an allergic reaction to something of Thursday and started breaking out into hives. I've never had allergies so I don't know what is going on. I've been on meds since then but my skin is still really sensitive. I'm still itchy, my hands and feet are itchy and the slightest little scratch turns into red welts. It's not fun.

So that's what's going on with me. When I went to the Gyno the other day the nurse came in to take my blood pressure. I knew it would be up because I was nervous and had a lot going on in my mind. I told her this and she said,"stress doesn't make babies, you need to relax".

Well if I were already pregnant and my insides weren't hurting and I wasn't breaking out into hives maybe I could relax, you stupid jerk!

Overloaded

Hmmm...what to say, what to say.

I intended to write a post for Father's day but I had a full plate and very minimal free time. I've been working extra because the family I nanny for is leaving for a month and they currently have family visiting now. Which only means that A. isn't there because she's out shopping all effin' day. Like today for example.

A's SIL and her husband are in town and she's newly pregnant. They've been here for a few days and each and every day they go shopping for more shit. They bring it home and stack it up in the living room. There's a 10x8' section that is cluttered with baby stuff. A crib, a mattress, a stroller, a pack n' play, a high chair, clothes, bottles, an activity mat, a nursing pump, a car seat, bedding, a lamp, valances, a diaper holder, a diaper champ, diapers etc. etc. etc. It's sickening.

They bought all the stuff here because it's cheaper in the states than where they live. They're driving 4 hours (each way) on Thursday to take all their crap to be shipped via boat to their country. It's nutty, I tell you. I hope they're baby lives and gets to use it all. That's all I'm saying about that. Am I jealous and a bit bitter? You bet.

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Father's day was nice, despite the fact that I got up early to bake a pie for my FIL and at the last minute it went to shit and I shoved it down the disposal. I don't think I've ever cried over a baked good, but this one was tempting. We went to my in-laws house and had a steaks on the grill and lots of other goodies. It was relaxing, but still a little bittersweet. It's not as emotional for me as mother's day is, but it's still hard. June 20th, which was Father's Day in 2005, we got engaged. 2 years later on Father's Day, we announced to our family that we were expecting our first child. It just seems that for a while this holiday was pleasant and now we're missing what makes this day so special.

Sarah sent this picture to me a few days ago. Thank you sweetie, it is just so beautiful.

A Week In Review

Okay, so this post is about my week from last Thursday til now.

I worked in the kitchen all day Friday, Saturday and most of the day Sunday. We had my mother, mother-in-law and grandmother over for brunch for Mother's Day. There was a total of 10 of us, so needless to say I had my work cut out for me. But it was nice and not too stressful. I planned ahead and did most of the work (setting the the table, baking, chopping, etc) ahead of time.

It was also my brother's 14th birthday on Sunday, but we celebrated the day before. I also had to bake a cake for that too. Exhaustion is a word I would use to describe my weekend.



I think, in a way (in a big way) that I kept myself busy to avoid thinking about the obvious. It seemed to have worked, thus far, but who knows what the days ahead of us hold? My goal was to celebrate and honor the mothers in my life by feeding them and making them things and having a welcoming home. I did that. The day was about them. I acknowledged myself as a mother, but it wasn't my holiday.



Later in the evening, Mr. H and I went to visit the boys at the cemetery and to see Mr. H's grandmother, it was her birthday as well. She would have been 94 this year.
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Last Thursday I went with A. to take the boys to get their picture taken for Mother's day. Of course, the pictures turned out wonderfully. It's one of those places where they take the pictures and print them in the same day. So after they were printed and we were about to leave, A. decided it would be a good idea for me to take a picture with the boys. I liked the idea, but I wasn't thrilled. I wanted to take a picture with my two sons, not hers.



On another note, L.D is being potty trained. Let me rephrase that- I am potty training L.D. They're leaving on vacation at the end of June and she's wanted it done by then, but she's made absolutely no effort to do so. He's not going to do it himself, so that leaves me. But it's been difficult because I also have the little one to take care of while she "works". On Monday, I sat on the edge of the tub for 48 minutes waiting for him to pee. And he did it! And he was so proud of himself, and I of him. His mom said "yay" and went back to work.

He ended up telling me he needed to go again and I took him. A big step for a 2 and a half year old, if you ask me. He hasn't been consistent over the last few days, but that's to be expected, he's still learning to listen to his body. The problem is, A gives him no credit. On Monday after 15 minutes she was ready to give up and take him off the pot. Today she was bitching because he only said he needed to go once and peed the rest of the time in his diaper.

Who the fuck cares lady! It's day 3 and he's just learning. No thanks to her!

Also they went to the library to check out potty books. The only one they found was titled "Sam's Potty".

Sometimes I feel like life keeps shitting on me.

Alternate Title

I really wanted to title this post "F*cking Idiot"...

LD's mom, A, has a friend who is pregnant with tw1ns. One of the tw1ns is measuring behind of the other. She is currently measuring at 25 weeks, but the smaller tw1n is measuring 22 weeks. It started by one being just a couple days larger, then a week, then two and now three. I asked her what the diagnosis was, but she can't remember. It's a syndrome of some sort.

Anyway, she went to the doctor recently and the outcome is not good. They do not expect both tw1ns to survive. Because they are fra.ternal and not ident.ical they can't perform surgery on them, for whatever reason. They plan on delivering both babies once the smaller of the two reaches 28 weeks in gestation. That's 6 weeks away. They don't even expect the smaller tw1n to make it to that date.

So, in 6 weeks, the tw1ns will be delivered. The smaller will be 28 weeks and the older roughly 31 weeks. They could both survive, and they could both die, or one could live. No one really knows but they aren't too hopeful.

A. just doesn't get it. She's already purchased her a set of tw1n onesies and keeps encouraging her to buy things and paint the nursery pink (it's currently blue for her 2 year old son). She's not doing it to keep her hopeful and optimistic, she's doing it because she's always wanted a girl and she's treating her friends' pregnancy as if it were her own. She was talking to me about it today and saying how she doesn't understand why her friend isn't more motivated. DUH!

My advice: "whatever you do, do not give her those tw1ns onesies. If something happens, they'll be a painful reminder". Well too late, she already did.

Exemption

I'm still thinking about that damn stork in the front yard. I just don't get it. And I'm sure it'll still be there tomorrow when I get there.

The thing is, I knew she was going to put one up--I just forgot about it. When A. had her b.aby shower, she had some baby socks that were folded into looking like mini muffins. On top of the "muffins" were rosebuds and they were packaged in little cupcake boxes. They really were cute, but they were just socks. She had several gifts like this, and they were all from the same lady.

She pulled them out of a blue gift bag and showed them to me then proceeded to hand me a business card for the woman who made these. A grand smile appeared on her face when she started to talk about "these signs you can put out in the yard" that have the baby's info on it. I knew what she was talking about and just smiled and didn't say anything.

Then I started to think... I remember either reading an article or seeing something on the news about couples who put these signs in their yards and then had their babies abducted. It lets predators know there is a new baby in the home and then they can kidnap it. This concerns me. I would never do this just because it's happened to someone else. Why would someone put their babies' lives at risk just to show off?

So I told her about the risk and made my opinion clear. And she said, without a worry "Why would someone do that?" As in "why would someone kidnap a baby?" Ugh, why do babies die? Because they do! Neither are ideal, but they happen. It's life.

Why does she think she's exempt from pain? From life?

ETA: The stork was taken down today ::doing a happy dance!::

Shitty Day

I had kind of a shitty day. I really tried for it not to be, but it was.

I tried to register for the Race for the Cure in November, but I didn't realize it costs to walk. I'm sure this is customary for all races, 5K's, 10K's, marathons etc. to charge an entry fee, but you can tell from the size of my hips this is not something I do on a regular basis. The only other thing I've done was the March Of Dimes (last year) and they didn't charge per person to walk and show support.

My grandma was excited when I told her we were thinking about walking for her. She just completed her race this weekend. My Grandma wanted my mother and aunt to participate as well, but if we all walk (like she wants) we'll have to come up with over $210 just to enter. That doesn't include any fundraising. I was reading the registration info and it says that 75% goes back into cancer research, and the other amount goes towards bottled water, snacks, and "free" t-shirts. This kind of irritates me.

I asked my aunt (the one who walked with my grandparents) about it, knowing full well she'd make me feel like a cheap-ass for not wanting to fork over $60 TO WALK. She works at a breast center, so they all walked together. I thought maybe she got a deal from her job, and that's how they afforded to walk. Come to find out, they got a senior citizen discount (half off). My aunt's reply was something like this "Do what you need to do...your grandma has done so much for you...priorities, blah blah blah" I asked my other aunt (the one who lives here) and my mom if they'd walk with me. My aunt said she's participating in a diabetes walk instead and my mom is going out of town. So it looks like I am the one feeling guilty and I am the only one trying to make this work. Bull shit.

Today was the first day I met LD's grandmother. I thought she'd be really sweet and caring and grandma like. She half ass shook my hand and never looked at me again the rest of the day. She doesn't speak English, so maybe that's her excuse or maybe I'm not good enough to take care of her grandson. Whateva. LD's mom asked me to stay late today since I took off last Monday. She, her friend and her mom went shopping for 5 hours at BRU. They showed up exactly at 6 to pick LD so they can continue running errands. It was a lonely day. I felt like hired help.

And their dumb ass, bottomless pit of a dog ate my lunch. Little Dude was sleeping, so I sat down to eat my oh-so-good-freshly-made sandwich. I took 3 bites before he woke up. His new trick is to climb out of his crib and knock on the door for you to come get him. I rushed over to him and left my sandwich behind. As soon as I started to change his diaper, I heard my plate hit the floor. I put LD back in his crib, ran to save my sandwich only to find there was only a slice of oat-nut bread and lettuce left on the floor. I yelled at the dog (called him a few names) and went back to get LD. He was standing in his crib with his diaper off and he took the sheet off his mattress. He has also learned to open the security gate by pulling at the bottom corner. I tightened it as much as I could, but he still got out 4 TIMES today. Ugh.

My back and neck were hurting and I almost called Mr. H to bring me some pain pills, but I didn't want to fall asleep on the job, so I didn't call. I didn't have any Tylenol or ibuprofen to take either, so I just had a slice of pumpkin pie in attempts to make things better. It kind of helped.

Mr. H called me halfway through my day. It was nice to hear his voice. He only had bad news. We have to return the rental car, because their insurance isn't going to pay for it anymore ($40/day). They have decided that our car isn't worth fixing and because they are closing the claim and writing us a check they are no longer obligated to pay for the rental. Although I still don't have my car back. They are willing to pay us retail value of the car (about $6500 as opposed to $4500). If we keep the car to fix it, they will give us this amount less the salvage value (about $1200). If we decide to let them keep it (total it) they'll give us the retail value plus the salvage value. The salvage value is the amount the salvage yard will part the car for, which basically means they'll take it apart and sell all the pieces. How sad.

We're going tomorrow to get the results of the x-rays taken at the chiropractor's office last Friday. Next Tuesday we will be going to get a second opinion at the orthopedic specialists office.

Today sucked big donkey dick. How was your day? Got any good news?

Details

Okay, so I owe you all a few details.

Mr. H and I had just picked up Aaron from my mom's house and were going home at around 6:30pm . Our house is 3 miles away and a narrow 2 lane road connects them. We got half way there when the accident happened.

Off the road is a side street that leads to a neighborhood. The speed limit was 45 mph. Ahead of us, on the right, were 2 cars at a stop sign. The first car took off from the stop sign with plenty of space between us and it. The second car took off right after the first- kind of a stop and roll- a yield (kinda). Except we were fast approaching. Mr. H was driving, I was on the passenger side, and Aaron was sitting behind me.

He started honking at her thinking she would realize we were *right there*, but she kept going. Mr. H swerved to the left trying to avoid the car by going around it, but it was inevitable she wasn't stopping. She crashed into the front right corner of the car. The air bags deployed and we wound up in a field across the street. It all happened so damn fast.

I've always thought that if I were ever in a car accident (this was my first) I wouldn't get whip lash. My child/pet/stuff wouldn't fly through the windshield, because I'd put my arm out and stop it. Yeah right! It happened so fast I didn't even have time to think of what was happening. I was worried about Aaron because I didn't know where her car would collide into ours. I didn't know how bad the damage would be. No, my life did not flash before my eyes, but it was a little scary. Shocking to say the least. In the seconds before the cars hit eachother, Mr. H yelled out and I thought he was hurt, so that only worried me more.

Once the airbags blew up in our faces, I knew it was serious. It immediately burned our skin and it smelled like smoke. Like something was burning. That kind of freaked me out. We got out of the car, called 911 and waited for the police to come. None of us seemed to be hurt, which is a good thing, but we are a little sore in the usual areas- neck, back, shoulder, collar bone (from the seatbelt). We have a few scratches, bruises and burns, mostly from the airbags, but we are okay.

Mr. H keeps blaming himself because he thinks if he had braked sooner, if he swerved in the opposite direction, if we was going a little slower, if, if, if... he could have avoided it. We could have done all those things, but the bottom line is, if she had stopped at the stop sign instead of running through it, we wouldn't be where we are. Can I hear an 'Amen'?

The cops arrived, took our statements, and found the other driver at fault. She swears she stopped at the stop sign, and looked both ways before turning. Well she must be blind and deaf, because I don't know how she missed us. What really pisses me off is that the cop had to physically tell her how to stop at an intersection. "You need to come to a complete stop, look both ways, then proceed..." How did she get her license? (I have a few funny ideas about how she got one, but I won't share them here :-P)

She is a middle eastern woman driving a fairly new Lexus with 3 KIDS UNDER THE AGE OF 4 IN THE BACK SEAT! Not only could we have been seriously hurt, but she could have killed her kids. Dumb bitch! People like that really chap my hide.

We went to retrieve the police report this morning and in it she claims we hit her. Whatever. The first car that was in front of her, turned around after witnessing the accident in her rear view mirror. She gave her statement to the cops, so that's on file as well. They can say whatever they want, but she's the one who got the ticket. And that has to stand for something.

I have a nice car (I think). It's a '98 Explorer Limited. It's not a "wow!" car, and it's certainly not a luxury car, but it's my car. It's the only car I've ever owned (and it was paid off) and it was a CLEAN car. The interior looked like a brand new car. Mr. H is very much a car nut and he takes pride in maintaining my car. Earlier in the day, he took it to get inspected, and get the oil changed. Just last weekend he changed the brakes by himself. Earlier in the year we had the transmission rebuilt. We have put at least $5000 into this car this year alone.

They are talking about totalling the car because it's 10 years old and it's going to cost more to fix it then it is worth according to NADA. The problem is we have put so much time and money into maintaining this car. A car salesman over the weekend asked a confused, "why?" in response to the amount we have put in to the car. The thing is, a car is an investment. It's like a home. You add to it. You fix things that go wrong. You improve it's performance. You take care of it. You don't toss it out like a used sponge and buy another one everytime it starts to smell. Sure, if it's a POS, then go ahead, but mine wasn't. It was good to me.

They say it's worth $4500 and I think that's bullshit. There is no way we can replace my exact car in the condition it is in for that amount. No way! Sure we can find another car, but it's not going to be fully loaded like mine was. And if it is, we can't afford that with the amount they're offering. And why should we have to make payments on a car because some freakin' idiot doesn't know how to stop at a stop sign?

We looked at a few cars this weekend. Some I even liked. It was exhausting though. There's so much out there and we haven't car shopped in a long time. We also picked up a rental car today. It's a 2008 white Explorer. It's nice but it doesn't have the character mine did. We also went to the ER today to get checked out- just in case. He gave us scripts for V.icodin and and muscle relaxants- woo hoo! Oh, and Mr. H spoke to a family friend who just happens to be a personal injury lawyer. His specialty? Screwing over insurance companies :-)

Happy Autumn Y'all!

Friday Night Lights

We got in a wreck. The idiot driver ran a stop sign. My poor beloved car is going to be totalled. I am upset and angry, but we are not hurt. I didn't really feel like blogging, but Aaron was appalled because I hadn't already done so- so here I am. Got any questions?

Photo credits: Aaron (he made me add that!)

Broken

This may not make much sense to you, as I am writing in anger.

I'm sorry to do this here, but I can't communicate with you. It seems like your opinions and thoughts on this subject are always valid while mine are always dismissed. I need to say what I feel. I need to be heard. And you need to listen and try to understand.

I don't understand. How can you tell me you "get it" or you understand things a little clearer. You "had some light shed" today. On what? The want you have for material things that are "necessities" makes absolutely no sense to me. Me wanting a baby probably doesn't make any sense to you either.

Don't tell me to stop thinking about "it". Don't tell me "if it makes you upset, stop thinking about it". *IT* doesn't make me upset. YOU make me upset. Your poor choice of words, your I don't give a shit attitude, upset me.

YES I do realize I can't have a baby on my own. YES I realize it has/needs to be a mutual decision to have a baby. I am already at the point where I am waiting for you. I have waited for you to make progress. To get to that point where you're ready. Time isn't helping anything. Therapy isn't helping anything. Me shutting up isn't helping anything. Not thinking about it isn't helping anything- and it isn't making it go away either. So don't tell me you're stressed about having this decision weighing on your shoulders. It's ALL on your shoulders. You made that perfectly clear. You wanted to be in control and now you are. Now all of a sudden the weight is too much for you? It's time for you to make the next move.

YES I do realize that material things like yachts, and mansions and toys and tools and jewelry and cars and racing are nice things, but they are not needs. And before you give me that argument of some of these are indeed needs, spare me. You know exactly what I mean. You may say having a baby is not a need, but I feel it is. How can you still want these things, but tell me I can't want a baby? When I tell you to stop wanting your "needs" you can't do that, and won't do that. Why do I have to give up my dream? Why don't you? "Oh, well there's credit cards for the things I want". Yeah, I'm sure that's the solution. If that's is what make you happy...then what's stopping you?

I wait for you every day. I wait for the day when you will finally turn and say, "I'm sorry for making you wait so long, let's make a baby. I'm ready". That's not going to happen. It's like a damsel in distress waiting for her knight in shining armor riding in on his white horse- ain't gonna happen. When you tell me I "set myself up for disappointment", you are essentially saying you are disappointing to me. Because I only believe in you. I wait for you. I have faith in you. And when you don't deliver, I am disappointed. So yeah maybe I do set myself up for disappointment. Maybe I shouldn't expect so much of you. Or maybe I just shouldn't expect anything from you. Maybe I shouldn't wait for you, or have faith in you. Maybe I should just throw my dream out the window and move on.

You are what I want. I want another you. I want a family with you. I want a future with YOU! Don't you get it?

When you find that motherhood switch and you are able to turn it off, please let me know.

Fucked Up

This is a different kind of post. This is going to be a bitch fest. Hang on to your seats, people.

I'll update you on Day 12 when I'm feeling less pissy and my headache goes away. But for now, I'm going to talk about my in-laws and how fucking mad they make me.

It all started yesterday when my in-laws were in a pissy mood because Mr. H went into town to get a prescription from Walgreens. He was gone for a couple of hours- which seems like a long time, doesn't it? Well, at the last minute my FIL said he needed a Rx filled. Usually one calls in a scrip so they don't have to wait, but he didn't. So Mr. H ended up having to go to 3 different places to get his filled. Then he made a short stop at a smoke shop on his way home. My MIL slept all day til 5 and my FIL just hung out around the house (as usual). There wasn't any mention of going anywhere (they're home bodies). Besides my FIL won't go anywhere without my MIL anyway.

Mr. H and I were going to go to dinner since it was our last night in Durango. We invited his parents to go with us because we thought they might like to get out of the house too. They said yes, then about an hour before our dinner reservation, they changed their minds. They stayed home and sent us on our way.

This morning, my FIL was being an ass to me, for some unknown reason. He told me in a very rude way that I "needed to tell Mr. H that it was his responsibility to take Autumn out". Autumn gets up first thing in the morning and runs down stairs to play with her doggie friend Sierra. She has does this every morning we have been here. While she's down stairs, my FIL lets her out to tinkle when Sierra goes out. Well apparently, Autumn got up early this morning (at 6) and needed to go out. She didn't nudge us or try to wake us up (which she usually does), she just ran down stairs. So I was verbally reprimanded for it.

Before we checked out of the house, my FIL told me I needed to tell Mr. H that he needed to switch drivers on the trip to Santa Fe and he didn't want any flack. And at this point he's pointing fingers at me and getting loud. I assured him Mr. H didn't have a problem switching off drivers as that's what we did on the drive up here. He says, "You're not listening to me! Tell him..." I said fine and walked off.

Right before we got to Santa Fe, both in-laws were in the backseat and were cold. They have their own air control system in the back, but they wanted us to turn our air down in the front seat. Mr. H obliged, he turned it from 60 degrees to 66, he angled the vents away from them and put the fan on low. Not 2 minutes later, "God Damnit Mr. H! I'm not gonna tell you again! Turn the air down!" I turned around and said "there's a blanket back there if you need it" FIL says " That's not what I want. I want him to turn the air down!" I replied with, "It was just a suggestion. That's why we brought it...I'm sorry..."

Mr. H stood up for me, and told them both that they needed to be aware of what they were saying to me (because I was sitting inthe front seat crying and trying to not be noticeable). His mom piped in and said "there's enough rudeness to go around", and started talking about how rude we were being to her this whole trip. Wha? Oh, I could have been rude. Lord knows I would have loved to tell her off many times. There were many times it was warranted, believe me.

We got to our rental house, and Mr. H and his parents got into an argument. I was sitting in the adjacent room (crying again) and listening to their whole conversation. There was name calling and it ended with, "Get the fuck out!"

So we are now sitting in a Hampton Inn with all our stuff, no car, no food and no where to go. When his parents dropped us off, his mother rolled down the window and said, "MONICA DON'T YOU EVER DISRESPECT YOUR FIL AGAIN" and drove off.

We're trying to get a rental car, but we're not having any luck. Sorry, but there won't be any postcards sent from Santa Fe. I wish there were. I wish I had stories to tell about how great our day was, but there won't be any of those posts. This vacation has turned to complete shit and I feel like a teenager that has been kicked out of their home. Only we're thousands of miles from home and that's our "fucking problem". So I've been told.

The Day A Miracle Did Not Happen

As I said in the last post, if I were to be pregnant it would be miraculous. Well, no miracles were performed today.

I went to C.ostco yesterday to get HPT's amongst other things and as soon as we got there, I felt squishy down there (I know, I'm sorry). So I went to the bathroom and guess who decided to come visit me? Yup, AF.

So I did not purchase the HPT's. I figured I didn't need to. Later on, the bleeding stopped. I think she's just fooling with me, and I don't like it. Then it started up again today. Then stopped.

I called Dr. I's office and spoke to her nurse (she is out until Friday). She asked if I took a HPT and when I told her no, she said to take one and call back. I was dreading this.

I couldn't leave work, so I asked LD's mom if she had any HPT's because I didn't want to have to wait until I got off work at 6 and further delay the appointment. I thought she would have some since she just got pregnant, so I took a chance by asking. She did. She got excited for me almost immediately, but I had to shoot her down.

It was negative.

As I knew it would be.

But I still hoped.

I called my doctor back and tried to make an appointment. They told me to wait it out. How long am I supposed to wait it out? I've already waited 2 effin' weeks. I got upset on the phone and the nurse said. "Well I hope it stops soon" to which I replied "It won't". She said she'd consult with the doctor and give me a call on Friday about coming in for blood tests.

Yay. (insert sarcastic tone here)

Burdened

Today has been frustrating to say the least. Not the entire day, just a good portion of it. I didn't post right away, because I thought this post would turn into a total bitch fest and I didn't want that. Don't be disappointed, there's still plenty of bitching going on here, but much less than if I had started writing earlier this evening. I have allowed myself plenty of time to cool off, now here I am.

I have an aunt (who is a few years older than me) who still lives at home with my grandparents. This is her decision and my grandparents don't seem to have a problem with it...so my opinion isn't really necessary here. She now has a new boyfriend and she is completely smitten with him. She has spent most of her adult life single or with men who were not so good for her. Because she found this new guy who she's been dating for a few months, she spends a lot of time with him. I think this is great for her. She needs to move out and get a life of her own (and I said I wouldn't insert my opinion here...ha!).

Anytime anyone has ever hassled her about still living at home, she says she's there to take care of her parents. My grandparents never really needed taking care of, but since my grandma is an emotional wreck, she needs someone there at all times. She may say she can do things by herself, or she wants to be alone, but that only leads to depression and more crying. I (and others in the family) think that she still lives at home, because she has it made in the shade. 95% of her meals are prepared for her by my grandmother, her laundry is done for her by my grandmother. Her sheets are washed for her (until this said boyfriend started spending the night and my grandma finally put her foot down and said she wouldn't do it anymore). The house is cleaned by my grandparents (sometimes she helps out with dusting and dishes but she has to be asked to do it). My brother lives with them too and granted he should probably live on his own too, but at least he pays a huge portion of their bills.

My aunt just quit her job a couple weeks ago. She was unhappy and her working situation was less than ideal. So she quit. This seemed to have happened at just the right time since Grandma was going to need help with cooking, cleaning and other stuff around the house. She even said that now she would have more time to be with her mom. Well the entire time we were there to visit her, she never lifted a finger to help out my Grandma. And when we asked her to, she said she'd have plenty of time to do all those things after we left. We left on Sunday and it's now Thursday. She spent the last 2 days with her boyfriend. Which means, she took care of Grandma for 2 days, then took 2 days off. WTF?

She called me today while I was working and asked me to call Grandma because she was upset and couldn't find any clothes that didn't make her look flat. I would love to help her, but I am 9 hours away. What am I going to do from here? And why isn't she there with her to help her with these things? She said she was on a job interview and was working on her resume. That's great, but I thought she was there to take care of her parents. Apparently not. I couldn't get a hold of anyone to call my Grandmother, so I called my Mom. My Mom is a hard ass and she can be rude at times (most of the time), but her intentions are usually good. She texted my aunt and said this "Why are you in "A" when Mom needs you at home? Is your boyfriend or your alleged job hunting more important? I think you need to rethink your priorities" She (my aunt) responded by saying "For your information I'm about to go into a job interview. Mom is my priority unlike everyone who left" I don't care if they want to exchange words between them, but I don't understand why she had to drag us all in it. Why did she have to imply that we didn't care and Grandma wasn't our priority because we had to go back to our homes and our jobs and our families? That pisses me off. My Grandpa asked her to not look for a job so soon because he needed help at home. I guess she realized she would actually have to "care" for someone other than herself and she'd rather work instead.

I called my Grandma when I got off work and she was upset. Not because she couldn't find anything to wear for her upcoming appointment, but because we were all ganging up on my aunt. We were being hateful and rude and my aunt didn't deserve that. According to my Grandma my aunt does a lot for her. And I'm sure she does a lot of things for my Grandma when we're not there, but she shouldn't be doing laundry and cooking and emptying out her own grenade by herself. She needs help damn it and the person who should be stepping up isn't. Before I left, I gave my aunt a hug and said "Take care of her." Her response without hesitation was "I don't have a choice."

I could go on and on and on about this aunt's attitude and the bad taste she left in my mouth, but I won't. I just feel sad because I feel like my Grandma is the one getting gipped.

Infertile??? Not So Much.

I've been taking care of LD for a couple months now. The day after Jack's birthday, which was a Friday, I went to work. I was talking to A, LD's mom, while she was doing dishes and I was feeding LD his afternoon snack. I asked her if she planned on having more children and she replied, "we're trying, but I have fertility problems" then went on to say she was "infertile". I said, "oh, me too."

I hadn't mentioned anything about my losses to her before this day because I didn't know how she would respond. I didn't know if she would sympathise with me, if she'd understand, or if she'd freak out, so I kept quiet. But as she was talking about herself, I told her about my losses. I told her when they were born and how old they were, etc. and she was shocked. She said, "oh wow, you actually gave birth to them!" Well, how else are they going to come out? And yes, she did feel sorry for me, which I didn't want.

As I was talking to her that day (a month ago today) she said she had chronic pain due to Level 4 (?) Endometriosis (sp?). She only has one son, LD- 15 months, and is 32 years old. She has had 2 surgeries on her uterus and needs a hysterectomy in order to be relieved from the pain. She wants more children, so she deals with the pain. Her doctor told her it would be impossible to have children on her own without IVF. I'm not sure how long she was infertile, but she proceeded to say that it only took her 1 month to get pregnant on her own. I'm not quite sure how that makes her "infertile", but okay. So as I understand it, the doctor diagnosed her as infertile before she actually tried to get pregnant??? I 'm not really sure. But it seems weird to me that she would throw that word around so casually, if she never attempted to get pregnant, then with only trying for ONE month, she got pregnant. I understand she may have complications with her body, but her fertility hasn't been compromised.

I don't mean to say that having Stage 4/Level 4 (whatever the correct term is) Endometriosis is not a real problem, because I'm sure it is, but by no means is she infertile. How do I know this, you ask? Because she's pregnant.

Good Friday? Yeah sure.

"A Special Offer Just For You"

I just got an e-coupon from the place where I paint ceramics.

* * *
Dear Monica,

Mother's Day is just around the corner. We have some great projects sure to please that Mom or Grandparent. Present this coupon when you create any HandPrint or FootPrint project. We appreciate your business, and hope you will shop with us again!

* * *
I haven't even gotten through Easter yet. Thanks for the reminder.

She Had To Go

"...And walking by a piece of furniture and thinking 'there's no way she dusted that'." That's because she didn't.

Mr. H had to go meet her this morning at 8am so she could follow him to our house since she wasn't familiar with the area. She started cleaning right away as I was asleep on the opposite side of the house. I didn't really hear her, but I knew she was there because Autumn stood at the door trying to get out to go play with her.

When I got up this morning, she was dusting the blinds with a S.wiffer duster. Come on, that's *my way* of dusting cause I'm lazy. I don't mind her dusting the blinds with a duster, but not the rest of the furniture in the house. Mr. H gave her dusting rags, cotton towels, and furniture polish. He walked her around the house and said he wanted the entire house dusted, vacuumed, mopped, wiped down, etc. She said "okay". She was fully equipped with everything she needed to clean this house. And she had the nerve to walk by the entry table and dust the edge of the table with a duster rather than taking the stuff off the table and wiping it down. I'm not even that lazy. Mr. H had to tell her to re-dust several things in the house and only until then did she use the furniture polish and towel. She did vacuum the whole house and cleaned one bathroom 90% of the way. She half-ass dusted and cleaned the tile in the entry. She "dusted" the coffee table, but didn't move anything. She merely wiped the exposed edges down. I don't clean that way and if I'm going to pay someone else to do it, I expect it done properly.

She was referred to us by Mr. H's friend (D) and his wife (M). She has been cleaning their house amd their daughter's house for the past 3-4 years! She came highly recommended and their houses are spotless. I don't understand why she was such a slacker for us. She usually cleans their house for $70 week (2x a month). She didn't not come over on Saturday like she said she would to give us an estimate. Our houses are approximately the same size, so I assumed it would be relatively close to what the other couple pays. D and M called on Saturday to let us know she would be coming over to clean our house this morning. She wanted $100 because she had to drive so far. WTF? I'm not paying for her gas. She knew where we lived and decided to come clean our house without visiting ahead of time. That's her problem. Maybe that's why she did such a shotty job.

At about 1pm and after "working" for about 4 hours, Mr. H handed her $45 and told her to take a hike. She left happily and waved "okay goodbye". What I don't understand is that they raved about her. M says "she can clean a bathroom so well you could eat off the toilet." (she left a toothpaste ring in the sink). "She sweeps the front porch everytime she comes over". "She cleans our windows and dusts all my collectibles." Hell, I couldn't even get her to clean the desk (which I cleared off for her) much less my collectibles. I am so done with her, so she had to go. I'm sorry Rachel and Meg, but you really don't want her to come to your house. You'd kick her out after getting frustrated with her and then you'd have to finish cleaning yourself. (BTW, Thanks honey for mopping the floors- they look great!)

I left work early because LD ( the 15 month old) was sick and had to go to the doctor at the last minute. Mr. H and I went to have an early supper and on the way home I saw this. It has been raining like crazy today and the clouds finally parted and made for this interesting photo.

Edited To Add: I have been wondering lately if the reason she didn't want to be there was because she saw all our deadbaby stuff. We have pictures and footprints and such through out the house, but more so on the table she didn't dust. ???