When A 4 Year Old Makes You Cry

I love my job. I love the kids I nanny for. Sure, I bitch sometimes about it but who doesn't complain about their job from time to time? I think mostly the reason I complain is because I think they take their kids for granted. But my reproductive path is very different from theirs, so I can't expect them to understand. I can only hope they'd be sympathetic and considerate of my feelings and for the most part they do and are. But sometimes it's the ones you least expect to hurt you that do.

I'm talking about the little one-- the 4 year old. Actually, he's not quite 4, but he will be in a couple weeks. I picked him up from school last Friday and he was in a good mood. He was happy and thrilled that when he got home he was going to get to decorate cupcakes for his early Halloween party. But somewhere between driving from school to home, he got snarky. He said I couldn't come to his party unless I wore a costume. Whatever.

Then he said that he didn't invite me to his party and that I couldn't come. Again, whatever. I told him that he was being rude and he should be nice to me since I was going to help him decorate the cupcakes. He then got loud with me and said that he wanted his mom to decorate the cupcakes and that since I wasn't invited I should drop him off and go home. His words... "Just drop me and leave". He repeated it several times and I finally raised my voice and told him that he was being rude and he should have a little more respect for me. It was like talking to a teenager- in one ear and out the other.

His response was "Just drop me, talk to my mom and leave Monica. I didn't invite you to my party. My friends and their moms are coming, that's all. You're not a mom so you can't come."

And that's where I sat there in silence and a little piece of me died inside. I was angry and hurt. So I got to his house, unloaded him from his car seat and gave him stuff and got back in the car...ready to leave. He cried because he was afraid I was going to leave him. Was I acting childish? Absolutely. How else do you reason with a 4 year old at a time like that? It wasn't until I got home and told Mr. H about it that I broke down.

"You're not a mom so you can't come" Words mumbled by a 4 year old that hurt me to my core. It brings tears to my eyes just typing those very words.

I AM A MOTHER DAMNIT!

De-Funked and A Request

Soooooo. What's up? How's it going? How are you?

Oh, you want to know how I am? Wanna know about the funk that I was so grumpy and dramatic about?

Well now that a few days have passed and I'm not so pissy I'll share. I'm trying to get over it, slowly but surely.

It all basically comes down to this cycle being a bust. I was 5 days late, then I started spotting on Sunday. I spotted for a couple days and it was faintly pink til it turned into a regular flow. I'm just irritated and frustrated.

August 1st marked 9 months. We've been trying for 9 months all for 9 more months. I just really thought this month was going to be successful. We had sex almost every other day. I propped a pillow under my butt after intercourse for 30 minutes at a time while Mr. H was showering so he didn't know I was doing it. I didn't want him to know I was so desperate. Now he knows because he's reading... (hi hon!). I'm still checking and charting cervical mucous as well as ferning. I just want it to happen already!

It took us 10 months to get pregnant with Sam. And ironically we started TTC on August 1, 2005. So really we've been at this for 4 years. Dang, that's a long time! I feel hopeful because this month could be our month, but then again I feel pressured to make it happen. I know if we don't conceive this month I will feel like a failure. I know I'm not. We're not failures but that doesn't mean I won't feel that way. I don't understand why things don't work the way they should!

That and I've been off of work for the last 5 weeks. LD and his family went home for the summer so I had some (unpaid) time off. I had to go back to work yesterday, though she tried to get me to go back earlier because she was so busy and had "so much work to do". I got to work yesterday and she asked me to stay late. I agreed, only for her to leave to go shopping with her family that's visiting. She just gets on my nerves.

Yesterday, August 5th, was Jack's due date. I don't really know what else to say about it, other than I just miss him so much and wish he were here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Next Saturday, the 15th, is Sam's 3rd birthday. I've been inspired by Carly and Sarah and I'm asking you all (if you want to) to write or spell out Sam's name, take a picture of it and E-MAIL it to me. Of course if you want to, you can do Jack's name too :-) You can go here, here or here for some inspiration.

Thank you all for listening, reading, emailing and being there for me.

Overloaded

Hmmm...what to say, what to say.

I intended to write a post for Father's day but I had a full plate and very minimal free time. I've been working extra because the family I nanny for is leaving for a month and they currently have family visiting now. Which only means that A. isn't there because she's out shopping all effin' day. Like today for example.

A's SIL and her husband are in town and she's newly pregnant. They've been here for a few days and each and every day they go shopping for more shit. They bring it home and stack it up in the living room. There's a 10x8' section that is cluttered with baby stuff. A crib, a mattress, a stroller, a pack n' play, a high chair, clothes, bottles, an activity mat, a nursing pump, a car seat, bedding, a lamp, valances, a diaper holder, a diaper champ, diapers etc. etc. etc. It's sickening.

They bought all the stuff here because it's cheaper in the states than where they live. They're driving 4 hours (each way) on Thursday to take all their crap to be shipped via boat to their country. It's nutty, I tell you. I hope they're baby lives and gets to use it all. That's all I'm saying about that. Am I jealous and a bit bitter? You bet.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Father's day was nice, despite the fact that I got up early to bake a pie for my FIL and at the last minute it went to shit and I shoved it down the disposal. I don't think I've ever cried over a baked good, but this one was tempting. We went to my in-laws house and had a steaks on the grill and lots of other goodies. It was relaxing, but still a little bittersweet. It's not as emotional for me as mother's day is, but it's still hard. June 20th, which was Father's Day in 2005, we got engaged. 2 years later on Father's Day, we announced to our family that we were expecting our first child. It just seems that for a while this holiday was pleasant and now we're missing what makes this day so special.

Sarah sent this picture to me a few days ago. Thank you sweetie, it is just so beautiful.

A Week In Review

Okay, so this post is about my week from last Thursday til now.

I worked in the kitchen all day Friday, Saturday and most of the day Sunday. We had my mother, mother-in-law and grandmother over for brunch for Mother's Day. There was a total of 10 of us, so needless to say I had my work cut out for me. But it was nice and not too stressful. I planned ahead and did most of the work (setting the the table, baking, chopping, etc) ahead of time.

It was also my brother's 14th birthday on Sunday, but we celebrated the day before. I also had to bake a cake for that too. Exhaustion is a word I would use to describe my weekend.



I think, in a way (in a big way) that I kept myself busy to avoid thinking about the obvious. It seemed to have worked, thus far, but who knows what the days ahead of us hold? My goal was to celebrate and honor the mothers in my life by feeding them and making them things and having a welcoming home. I did that. The day was about them. I acknowledged myself as a mother, but it wasn't my holiday.



Later in the evening, Mr. H and I went to visit the boys at the cemetery and to see Mr. H's grandmother, it was her birthday as well. She would have been 94 this year.
______________________________________________

Last Thursday I went with A. to take the boys to get their picture taken for Mother's day. Of course, the pictures turned out wonderfully. It's one of those places where they take the pictures and print them in the same day. So after they were printed and we were about to leave, A. decided it would be a good idea for me to take a picture with the boys. I liked the idea, but I wasn't thrilled. I wanted to take a picture with my two sons, not hers.



On another note, L.D is being potty trained. Let me rephrase that- I am potty training L.D. They're leaving on vacation at the end of June and she's wanted it done by then, but she's made absolutely no effort to do so. He's not going to do it himself, so that leaves me. But it's been difficult because I also have the little one to take care of while she "works". On Monday, I sat on the edge of the tub for 48 minutes waiting for him to pee. And he did it! And he was so proud of himself, and I of him. His mom said "yay" and went back to work.

He ended up telling me he needed to go again and I took him. A big step for a 2 and a half year old, if you ask me. He hasn't been consistent over the last few days, but that's to be expected, he's still learning to listen to his body. The problem is, A gives him no credit. On Monday after 15 minutes she was ready to give up and take him off the pot. Today she was bitching because he only said he needed to go once and peed the rest of the time in his diaper.

Who the fuck cares lady! It's day 3 and he's just learning. No thanks to her!

Also they went to the library to check out potty books. The only one they found was titled "Sam's Potty".

Sometimes I feel like life keeps shitting on me.

Alternate Title

I really wanted to title this post "F*cking Idiot"...

LD's mom, A, has a friend who is pregnant with tw1ns. One of the tw1ns is measuring behind of the other. She is currently measuring at 25 weeks, but the smaller tw1n is measuring 22 weeks. It started by one being just a couple days larger, then a week, then two and now three. I asked her what the diagnosis was, but she can't remember. It's a syndrome of some sort.

Anyway, she went to the doctor recently and the outcome is not good. They do not expect both tw1ns to survive. Because they are fra.ternal and not ident.ical they can't perform surgery on them, for whatever reason. They plan on delivering both babies once the smaller of the two reaches 28 weeks in gestation. That's 6 weeks away. They don't even expect the smaller tw1n to make it to that date.

So, in 6 weeks, the tw1ns will be delivered. The smaller will be 28 weeks and the older roughly 31 weeks. They could both survive, and they could both die, or one could live. No one really knows but they aren't too hopeful.

A. just doesn't get it. She's already purchased her a set of tw1n onesies and keeps encouraging her to buy things and paint the nursery pink (it's currently blue for her 2 year old son). She's not doing it to keep her hopeful and optimistic, she's doing it because she's always wanted a girl and she's treating her friends' pregnancy as if it were her own. She was talking to me about it today and saying how she doesn't understand why her friend isn't more motivated. DUH!

My advice: "whatever you do, do not give her those tw1ns onesies. If something happens, they'll be a painful reminder". Well too late, she already did.

Walking On The Moon

Ever been on one of these? Ever been on 6 different ones about 1,593,826 times each?

They're big germ infested bouncy fun houses. We took L.D to play on these suckers today and he had a blast. I left there with plastic burns on my elbows, my pants falling down, my hair a complete mess, a bum bum (I fell off and busted my butt) and now I'm exhausted and need a nap (after I shower of course).

Let me just tell you, they look like fun. They're big and bright and colorful and unlike your bed at home, you're encouraged to jump and climb on them. But looks can be deceiving. The one that I linked to was actually the hardest one I was on today. Yeah, you read that right. It's not fun, it's hard. I would rather have gone to the gym then to rub cooties all over my body and pretend like I was having fun. You have to climb "ladders" only the steps are made of soft plastic and they're only about 2 inches deep and you keep losing your footing because your socks keep sliding and you have to pull yourself up and over 8 foot hills, just to find your self crawling under big foam tubes with only 10 inches of space to crawl through--think army crawl. And not only are you trying to do all this yourself, you're having to assist a 2 year old who is too small to do any of it himself. And then you realize just how completely out of shape you are...

Oh joy!

You knew there would be pictures of the elbow burns, didn't you!

The Daily Grind

I have to go back to work tomorrow. boo. I know I'm lucky to have been able to take off for two weeks, but I still don't want to go back. I have missed LD, but I would somehow manage if I didn't have to take care of him again. His mom tried to talk me out of taking off Christmas break, "if you change your mind and you want to come back, just call". WTF? I only took off for 2 weeks and there are 6 adults in that house. I think they can manage. She's so needy.

We took both our trees, stockings, outside lights, Christmas villages, wreaths, festive night lights and about 50 penguins ( I have a little obsession) down today. It was a little sad. There are no more traces of the holidays left in this house. Life is back to normal- or as normal as life can be.

It's been in the 70's for the last couple weeks. Yesterday it was about 80 degrees. Today it's about 50. What is up with this weather? I know others who are buried in snow would be grateful for such weather, but I wish it would get somewhat cold and stay that way. Where is winter?

Apparently I need to go back to work, because I have nothing important to say- obviously. I'm going to the kitchen now to get some mexican hot chocolate.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

What Stupid People Say (Edited)

Last fall when I was making an appointment to see a new OB, I had to fill out new patient paperwork. On this form, they inquired about my father's medical history and his birth date. I could remember the year he was born and my mom couldn't remember, so I googled his name hoping to find something.

I browsed page after page after page, then I found something. But it wasn't exactly what I was looking for.

On an alumni website was info for my step mom and dad. You know, general stuff like where they live, their occupations, hobbies, number of children etc. Then I read the words that broke my heart "happily married with no children".

* * * * * * * * *

I was in a really good mood today when I got to work (more on this tomorrow!) and the house was oddly quiet. LD and Polo were asleep and A. was in the back bedroom getting ready. I straightened up the toys in the living room then A. came out into the living room. We exchanged a few words about our weekends then Polo started to fuss as he was waking up. She went back into the room to get him and I followed behind her, continuing our conversation.

I noticed Polos tiny round head peaking up in the bassinet. A. and I stood in the doorway talking while Polo began to fuss some more. She went to get him and I noticed he was sleeping on his stomach. I asked her if he was sleeping on his stomach and she said yes.

She said she spoke to her pediatrician about Polo sleeping on his stomach and her pedi flipped out and told her she needed to stop putting him down on his stomach to sleep. She argued back and said she did it because he sleeps better that way. The pedi told her to stop doing that immediately. At Polo's last check up, the pedi asked her if she had stopped and she lied to her and said she had.

She was telling me about their conversation, while LAUGHING. I interrupted her laughter and said "your doctor is concerned because of the risk of SIDS". She said, "yeah I know, but babies have been sleeping on their stomachs for years and they're fine. LD slept on his stomach and he's fine."

"7,000 babies each year die -nearly one baby every hour of every day." Again, why does she think she's exempt?

**ETA: I'm not opposed to babies sleeping on their stomachs. In fact 13 years ago when I was taking care of Aaron as a baby, I would lay him down on his belly because that's how he fell asleep and if I put him on his back, he'd wake up crying. I'm not saying babies shouldn't be on their stomachs. I think every baby is different and require different things. When I was reading SIDS stats yesterday, they don't even know if putting a baby to sleep on their backs even helps reduce the risk of SIDS.

What upset me with this situation was that she just acted like it wasn't a big deal. Like it wasn't going to happen to her so she didn't need to comply, even at the urging recommendation of her pediatrician. If someone told me that I may have been putting Aaron's life at risk, I would have altered my behavior- she laughed. **

Let Them Eat Cake!

Here is the cake I made for LD's birthday. As I've mentioned his parents are from V.enezuela and they like the ocean, the beach, sea life in general.

That being said, LD likes "fishies" too. His bedroom walls are painted blue and he has schools of fish decals swimming across the water. And now that he has a big boy bed, he has F.inding N.emo bedding. It's a running theme throughout the house.

N.emo was also the theme of his party. They gave me free reign over the decorations and taste s long as it wasn't majorly chocolatey.

I made a vanilla buttermilk cake with chocolate mascarpone filling and a cream cheese frosting, tinted a nice shade of sea glass. I made it into 3 tiers with 2 layers each tier. It was a relatively small cake- 9-inch, 6-inch and 4 inch tiers, frosted then decorated with candy melts and candy writers.

Enjoy!

I'm Still Here

Thanks for all the comments regarding the Vlasic pickle bird! They made me laugh, which is really what I needed. :-) So again, thank you.

I meant to update yesterday, but I was so busy. I made an apple pie for Mr. H, went to physical therapy for the upteenth time then came home and made and assembled a tiered birthday cake for LD. His birthday was today and I was up til 3 last night finishing it. Then I had trouble falling asleep.

So here I am. I'd like to say I am well rested, but I am not. LD's birthday party was today. A. asked me to make his birthday cake. I agreed, but she never spoke to me about the details of his party. I honestly didn't even think I was invited. I just thought that the party was this evening, and I was to bring the cake. I was wrong.

His party started at 3 this afternoon and 4 kids and their parents came over, plus 3 other friends of the family. There were about 20 people there. We ate goldfish and animal crackers, hit the pinata, ran after wee ones, cleaned up several spilt drinks, then got to eat the cake I made and opened presents. We were there til after 6. I say "we" because Mr. H showed up for the last hour to offer moral support. I love him. 95% of the time the new baby (His name is M.arco, but I'll call him Polo) was sleeping, so he wasn't really an issue today. But right before we left, A. came over holding Polo and showed him off to Mr. H. "Look Mr. H, have you seen the new baby?" Then we left. Good timing, huh? Walking down the driveway in the dark,I was tempted to break the storks legs. Wouldn't that be funny?

Rewind to Monday: I got upset after seeing that damn bird. I took a few deep breaths and walked through the front door. I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I wanted to turn back around and go home. I was hoping Polo was asleep, because I didn't want to see or hear him coo or cry. I walked straight through their house to their living room, where LD and I play and set my stuff down. I passed their master bedroom where the door was wide open and A. was sitting in the rocker nursing. I didn't make eye contact. Instead I kept going. LD was asleep and the living room was straightened out, so I didn't have anything to do. A. called me into the room to see her new baby. I kept my distance and looked at him. He was tiny and wrinkly. Perfect.

As she sat in her yellow padded rocking chair burping her baby she started to tell me about him. Her lips were moving, but I didn't hear anything. When she was done, I smiled and left the room. I went to the living room and wiped all his toys and books down with Clorox wipes--trying to keep busy. The family went into the dining room adjacent to the living room to eat their lunch. Ma, Pa, GMa, Boy and Baby. One big happy family. I was in the other room chanting to myself "please don't cry, please don't cry..." I was afraid the baby would cry and I would lose it. Instead it had an opposite effect and my eyes started to tear up. I wiped them and moved on.

Shortly after lunch, A. had to take Polo to the Pediatrician, so LD and I went to the park. We stayed there most of the afternoon. On the way there, I called Mr. H and he met us there. I needed a distraction and someone adult to speak to. We had a nice quiet, peaceful time. We took our time walking back to their house and I gave him his afternoon snack, then went home. My day wasn't as rough as I though it was going to be, but it was sad. Today wasn't bad either, we'll see how tomorrow is.

Rachel, thanks for checking up and worrying about me. You're a sweetheart.

I'll leave you with a picture of LD at the park. Happy Birthday Buddy!

Great News and "Eh" News

LD is officially a big brother now.

He was born sometime around 6 am this morning. His name starts with a 'M' and is usually followed by 'Polo'. He was 8lbs.9oz. and has a big nose. That's all I know.

That's more than I care to know, really.

I was alone most of the day today with LD while his parents were at the hospital. His Dad came home to take a nap. When he woke up all he could say was how tired he was and how the "hard part" was yet to come.

All I wanted to say was "The 'hard part' comes when you have to bury your child. Not when you bring him home. Asshole!"

Instead I smiled, nodded, wished him a good weekend and left for the day. I wasn't as upset as I expected to be, but the thought of a new baby boy did/does make my heart ache. I will inevitably have to see him on Monday when I go back to work.

I was in a bum mood this evening so we went out for dinner. And wouldn't you know we were seated next to 3 chatter box women who were planning a baby shower! One of the ladies' suggestions for favors was to offer a candle with a ribbon wrapped around it and a card attached that said "light this on the day of this child's birth". The ladies all oohed and ahhed about what a great idea it was. Sound familiar? Whatever. We couldn't get out of there fast enough so Mr. H and I mocked them the entire dinner. It was fun :-)

Wanna know some good news?

My grandma had a mammogram on Monday and the results are in: She's still cancer free! Now that's something I can celebrate this weekend.

Remember if you want an inspirational stone, leave me a comment and tell me which one you want! You have til Saturday at midnight to enter.

-----------------------------------------------------------
ETA: I just checked my email and A (LD's mom) sent me over a message titled 'Baby Pictures'. I couldn't look at them or delete them. I just froze.

Panic Inducing

A. (LD's mom) is due Monday! (That's 2 days from now)!!!

How the hell did time pass me by? I'm freakin' the f*ck out!

She has me on call this weekend in case she goes into labor. Her mom wants to be with her in the delivery room so they asked me if I'd watch LD while they were at the hospital delivering their healthy precious baby boy.

I'm sure they will shed tears after their baby is born just like I did. Only theirs will be tears of joy, while mine were of sorrow for my sons that would never come home.

Complex Is Me

The consensus seems to be that I need to take care of myself and do what's best for me, regarding taking care of LD.

The problem is, I don't know how to do that. This is not something new, I've never known how. I've always put others needs and wants before my own. It's part of what makes me "me". I like to make others happy, and in turn, that makes me happy. It was how I was raised- to be completely unselfish.

And even if I were to quit (because I was putting my needs first) I'd feel guilty. I'd be upset and feel uneasy about leaving her alone to care for her own children (God forbid, I know!)

I know most people care for their own kids without outside help, and it's not that she can't do it, but she depends on me. We haven't talked about my duties after the baby comes, but she has mentioned that as of March (!) it'll just be the two of us.

I'm sure she can find a replacement. Strike that- there's no replacing me :-) but she can find someone else to take care of LD and her baby. I just don't know if I want her to.

The problem that I have is that even if I put my needs first, I am essentially hurting somebody else. And that hurts me. If I spend all day worrying about how I've put someone in a bind, that completely undoes all the good I've done for myself. Am I making any sense?

I don't have to make a decision right away, and I have given it a lot of thought, but I just don't know what to do. She has no idea I have doubts about working for her. Any suggestions?

Emotionally Exhausted

It has been a very long, exhausting, emotionally draining week. I am glad it is almost over.

Grandma B passed away Monday morning and we spent the entire day at my in-laws house greeting cops, corporals, sheriffs, EMS, fire fighters, grief counselors, the two people from the funeral home who came to pick her up, and lastly the florist who lives down the street who made the casket spray.

Tuesday was spent mostly at the funeral home going over her premade/paid arrangements and then going to the physical therapist.

Wednesday I worked all day then went home and cleaned house (along with Mr. H) since my in-laws were coming over after the funeral the next day.

Thursday morning was her visitation and funeral, then we went to Luby's for lunch. Luby's was her favorite restaurant. She and grandpa used to take Mr. H there when he was younger. That was a weekly tradition and he always ordered the fried fish, mac and cheese and okra. To this day, he still orders the same thing.

The funeral was beautiful and sweet. She was dressed in a suede brown wrap jacket and matching pants. She wore a coordinating hat and scarf as she always did. The flowers that adorned her casket were in earth tones and vibrant fall shades- colors she loved. Mr. H said a few words about his grandma and the times they shared with eachother. A few songs were played and all was perfect.

I worked Friday morning, then we went to the physical therapist again. Then last night Mr. H shampooed the carpets. We've been running around non-stop all week and we're literally exhausted. So today we slept in, had cinnamon toast for brunch and laid around all day. It's been nice.

On the baby front, LD's mom went to the doctor and she is already 3 cm dilated. Her due date is the 10th of next month. I have been trying to not think about it. I originally put it in my mind that she would have the baby around the 19th (which is Little Dude's birthday) which is also around Thanksgiving. So I kept thinking he'll be born in another month. But in reality, she could have a baby next week and this scares the hell out of me. I don't know what to do about this. Her friend came over the other day and was talking about how excited she was about the new baby. "Aren't you excited?" she kept saying. "It's going to be so hard for her to raise 2 boys...Are you going to help her with the baby?" All I said was. "We haven't discussed that yet." and changed the subject.

I was originally hoping to be pregnant by Christmastime so I could have an excuse to quit. I don't just want to quit because that would be unfair to her and I would feel guilty. Of all times she would need me, it would be NOW, so here I am still working there. The thing is, I don't think I would have a problem staying there if she weren't pregnant. I love LD and I would miss him if I left but I am jealous of her. But just to make myself clear, I don't want her baby. I don't even want her life, I just want to be pregnant and I want a baby too. I want her situation. And we're not there yet- not even close.

And pregnant people and babies seem to be popping up everywhere. I know some people say they are always around, but it never really applied to me. This week has proved different. A's friend (LD's mom) was pregnant when she was here a couple wees ago. She was about 20 weeks and shopped daily at BRU for stuff to take back to Spain. It was obnoxious to watch. The EMS guy (from above) spoke about his family and his mischievous boys. He has 3- ages 9, 7, and 5, and he also has a newborn baby girl. Oh, and 3 dogs and 2 cats. Not only is it enough that he has more living kids than I but he also has more pets. Double slap. The funeral director was pregnant, the receptionist at the physical therapist office is pregnant and due at the end of the month. I'm sure there's more, but I'm done with it. It's so frustrating.

The florist (as a gift to us) made wreaths of orange spray roses to take to the boys. Here a photo of a couple of roses flooded with water:
Today is also Logan's 2nd birthday. We miss you sweet boy. We think of you always.

Weekend Fun...Don't Get Jealous!

I don't know why I was so excited about car shopping...that shit is exhausting. But I did manage to get a slight tan out of it. We have narrowed our search down to the car we want, we just need to find one in our price range with good mileage and the extras we want. So really, we've made no progress. Oh, and we managed to only cuss out one dealership. Record for us!

I babysat LD tonight. His mom's birthday was today so she asked me to watch him while they went to dinner. I was supposed to watch him from 3-9, but ended up staying there til 10:30. Boo. He was fussy all night and kept crying for his mom, which made for a terribly exciting evening.

Her baby shower was on Saturday. And despite everyone's efforts to keep me entertained so I wouldn't have to go, I did nothing that evening. Mr. H and I looked at cars til about 6, then went home looked at more cars on the net, then went to the bookstore to browse around. What ever happened to going out to have drinks?

When I got to LD's house, there were bags of baby stuff everywhere. She even called me into her room to look at her new bassinet. Hold on to your seats, the excitement continues! I saw onesies, a baby carrier, a doggie hamper, nipples, bottles, nipple brushes, a swaddler, socks, towels, bibs all in shades of boy.

Speaking of boys...I found this little guy hanging out by the boys' fountain the other day. So tough, yet harmless. As soon as I saw him, I thought of Cooper and Brayden- Mrs. Muelly's boys. Bugs, spiders and insects remind her of them too.

On a brighter note, it is raining here. It hasn't rained in a few weeks, so I'm pretty excited. It is thundering, lightning, and the wind is howling. I love when it rains. I just want to lay in bed, open the windows and fall asleep. I just may do that...Good night.

What did y'all do this weekend?

Shitty Day

I had kind of a shitty day. I really tried for it not to be, but it was.

I tried to register for the Race for the Cure in November, but I didn't realize it costs to walk. I'm sure this is customary for all races, 5K's, 10K's, marathons etc. to charge an entry fee, but you can tell from the size of my hips this is not something I do on a regular basis. The only other thing I've done was the March Of Dimes (last year) and they didn't charge per person to walk and show support.

My grandma was excited when I told her we were thinking about walking for her. She just completed her race this weekend. My Grandma wanted my mother and aunt to participate as well, but if we all walk (like she wants) we'll have to come up with over $210 just to enter. That doesn't include any fundraising. I was reading the registration info and it says that 75% goes back into cancer research, and the other amount goes towards bottled water, snacks, and "free" t-shirts. This kind of irritates me.

I asked my aunt (the one who walked with my grandparents) about it, knowing full well she'd make me feel like a cheap-ass for not wanting to fork over $60 TO WALK. She works at a breast center, so they all walked together. I thought maybe she got a deal from her job, and that's how they afforded to walk. Come to find out, they got a senior citizen discount (half off). My aunt's reply was something like this "Do what you need to do...your grandma has done so much for you...priorities, blah blah blah" I asked my other aunt (the one who lives here) and my mom if they'd walk with me. My aunt said she's participating in a diabetes walk instead and my mom is going out of town. So it looks like I am the one feeling guilty and I am the only one trying to make this work. Bull shit.

Today was the first day I met LD's grandmother. I thought she'd be really sweet and caring and grandma like. She half ass shook my hand and never looked at me again the rest of the day. She doesn't speak English, so maybe that's her excuse or maybe I'm not good enough to take care of her grandson. Whateva. LD's mom asked me to stay late today since I took off last Monday. She, her friend and her mom went shopping for 5 hours at BRU. They showed up exactly at 6 to pick LD so they can continue running errands. It was a lonely day. I felt like hired help.

And their dumb ass, bottomless pit of a dog ate my lunch. Little Dude was sleeping, so I sat down to eat my oh-so-good-freshly-made sandwich. I took 3 bites before he woke up. His new trick is to climb out of his crib and knock on the door for you to come get him. I rushed over to him and left my sandwich behind. As soon as I started to change his diaper, I heard my plate hit the floor. I put LD back in his crib, ran to save my sandwich only to find there was only a slice of oat-nut bread and lettuce left on the floor. I yelled at the dog (called him a few names) and went back to get LD. He was standing in his crib with his diaper off and he took the sheet off his mattress. He has also learned to open the security gate by pulling at the bottom corner. I tightened it as much as I could, but he still got out 4 TIMES today. Ugh.

My back and neck were hurting and I almost called Mr. H to bring me some pain pills, but I didn't want to fall asleep on the job, so I didn't call. I didn't have any Tylenol or ibuprofen to take either, so I just had a slice of pumpkin pie in attempts to make things better. It kind of helped.

Mr. H called me halfway through my day. It was nice to hear his voice. He only had bad news. We have to return the rental car, because their insurance isn't going to pay for it anymore ($40/day). They have decided that our car isn't worth fixing and because they are closing the claim and writing us a check they are no longer obligated to pay for the rental. Although I still don't have my car back. They are willing to pay us retail value of the car (about $6500 as opposed to $4500). If we keep the car to fix it, they will give us this amount less the salvage value (about $1200). If we decide to let them keep it (total it) they'll give us the retail value plus the salvage value. The salvage value is the amount the salvage yard will part the car for, which basically means they'll take it apart and sell all the pieces. How sad.

We're going tomorrow to get the results of the x-rays taken at the chiropractor's office last Friday. Next Tuesday we will be going to get a second opinion at the orthopedic specialists office.

Today sucked big donkey dick. How was your day? Got any good news?

Pain In The Neck

A couple of you have emailed or called to see how we are, so thank you.

It's been pretty quiet around here. We went to the wrecker yard on Tuesday to look at the car and take pictures. In some ways it didn't seem as bad as I remembered, but in others it seems worse.

In this picture, the bumper is bent, the front guard is cracked, the hood was shoved up and over about 4 inches and it doesn't open. The light assembly on the passenger side is shattered and the metal around it is in shreds. It's amazing how something so tough (metal) can just disintegrate in a matter of moments. The damage doesn't look so bad, but there is slight frame damage and that's where the big bucks come in.

Also the air bags deployed and that jacks up the estimate by about $2000. The driver door only opens about a foot because the whole front was shoved over- ugh.

Moving on, we went to the ER Monday (minor emergency) to get checked out. We went there rather than to our regular docs because we both wanted to get checked out by the same person. He gave us muscle relaxants and pain meds. I was hoping I wouldn't need them, but my neck and lower back have been killing me. The right side of my neck more than anything. Mr. H is having trouble sleeping and is more anxious than ever- thanks universe for fucking us over once again. I do realize it could be so much worse, but why??? It's so frustrating.

We are going to see a chiropractor tomorrow afternoon. We'll see what he has to say. Aaron has been having back pain as well. He missed a half day of school on Monday and half a day today. Monday he went to see his pediatrician (which he claims to be too old for) and today he went to see an orthopedic specialist. He has recommended physical therapy for two weeks, then he'll be re-evaluated. The doctor did extensive 360-degree x-rays and thinks he might have a slight fracture in one of his discs (which is apparently a common occurrence in auto accidents). This stinks.

Good news- the lawyer friend of my in-laws is on board. He has already contacted the insurance company and sent them a letter telling them he was representing us and to back off. They have. He also told us that most likely the cost to repair the vehicle will not be disputed. Yay us! We're not in this for the money, but it doesn't hurt either. I don't know how people go around getting in intentional wrecks and pretending to be hurt just to get reimbursed for their "pain and suffering". This is tough work. I guess everyone's gotta make a living- only some chose to do it honestly.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

My grandma is walking this weekend in the K.omen Race for the Cure along with my aunt and grandfather. I am so proud of her, I wish I was going to be there with her. I'd hold her hand and cry with her every step of the way. Oh, I love her. The walk here is the first of November, and I'm hoping to go. BTW, she melted a toaster on the stove the other day. There's a melty gaping hole in the bottom of it...lol. Just another reason why I love her :-)

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

More good news- LD's mom hasn't said anything about rescheduling the baby shower. And I wanted to ask, but I figured if she did change the date she would have said something. Her mother and friend from V.enezuela and S.pain are coming int his weekend. Her mom is staying til January. Yeah you read that right, over 3 months, and her friend for 2 weeks. And she still wants me to be there on my normal days so she can go "shopping". In fact she asked me to work an extra day next week since I took a day off this week. Again, so she can go shopping. Whatever.

One more thing, I don't know why I go into the nursery. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment. And I opened the new dresser expecting it to be empty. It wasn't. It was full of newborn onesies, bibs, socks, gowns and hats. I just wanted to take them all out of the drawer and smell them. I wanted to touch them all and rub them against my cheek. Why do I go in there?

Time to log off, the pain meds are kicking in...wee!

Here We Go Again

A brief conversation between me and A (LD's mom) today about the baby shower.

A: "I think I'm going to cancel the baby shower."

Me: "Why?"

A: "Because M (the host) is not feeling well and I don't want her to have to go through all the trouble of getting everything ready, if she doesn't feel good. We'll just do it another time."

Me: "okay."

A: "Maybe then you'll be able to come."

Me: "uh huh" (damn it!)

What now ?
* * * * * * *
ETA: I realize while this is a very minor problem, it's still an issue I have to deal with. But it does not, in any way, compare to what the hurricane Ike victims are dealing with now. Check out these photos. They are devastating, gut wrenching, shocking, sad. My heart goes out to each and every one of them.

I Did It!

I declined the invitation (without lying) to the baby shower. Then I shredded it! And I don't feel the least bit guilty. But just so I wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings (because I worry about this all the time!) I added a pretty pastel background to the email and made the font a fun color. This is what I said:
_____________________________________________________

"I am sorry to say, I will not be able to attend A's baby shower. Hope everyone has a great time!"

~Monica H
_____________________________________________________
I hope she doesn't bring it up when I see her tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for your input and suggestions on how to handle this. Now, just so I get this straight- Who am I hanging out with that weekend instead of going to the shower?

Little Ivory Envelope

I watched LD today, as I do every Monday.

It was a typical day. Nothing out of the ordinary.

During snack time, I went to the cabinet to get a straw for his smoothie. On the counter I saw an ivory envelope with gold calligraphy scribbled all over it. I was intrigued. I wanted to open it. I'm nosey, can you tell? They have friends all over the world, so I'm always curious to see where there headed for vacation or a wedding. So I did sneak a little peak at it, and immediately realized it was for a baby shower. I didn't recognize the sender (not that I would, I don't know their friends) so I set it back down and walked away.

And forgot about it.

I got home and Mr. H was going through the mail. He loves checking the mail. Actually he likes checking the mail when there's good stuff in it, like catalogs and magazines. He pointed to an ivory envelope on the coffee table and said "You might not want to open that".

Of course, if you tell me not to do something...then I want to do it even more. And I love all envelopes other then the typical long bill-filled white ones, because it's usually a card or invitation and I love getting mail! I picked up the mail and thought "hmm, that's weird, it's from the same person as the envelope at LD's" Then I thought "Do I know anyone that she knows?" Still I didn't get it until I opened the envelope and saw the same damn "B.A.B.Y" invite that I saw earlier in the day.

Duh, It was for her baby shower. And I am invited. How sweet.

I started to think about baby showers and the last one I had attended. It was when I was still pregnant with Sam...then a week and a half later he died. I have absolutely NO DESIRE to attend her baby shower. Other peoples' showers, maybe. But not hers.

How do I politely decline? I would normally avoid her or pretend to have not received it, but I see her 3-4 times a week. I can't avoid her. I know she'll ask me about it. What do I say- "I'm not going to your stinkin' shower" ???