Dusting Off This Blog

It's been almost a month since my last post. And even though I only blogged once for the whole month of June! That's sad, it really is. I think about this blog often and I attempt to write at least once a week, but then I get to the blank page and just stare at it. I don't know what to say. Either I don't feel like it's important or relative or...I'm at a loss for words now!

So just so you all know that I'm alive and well and this is really me and now some stranger who has high-jacked my awesome blog (ha!) I'll let you know what I've been up to.

1. I'm still working as a part time nanny 3-4 days a week. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out but I love the boys so I get over it. If I could just figure out how to get the 3 1/2 year old to poop in the toilet and not in his pants "just a little bit" then things would be so much better.
2. Father's Day was interesting. We spent it at home and my in-laws came over then we went to dinner. I don't have a close relationship with my dad so I didn't even attempt to contact him. I did call my grandpa and I sent him a card. I got a card and a small gift for Mr. H and we got a golf gift certificate and pj's for my FIL. I got a gift for my stepdad but I don't really think he's much of a father so I didn't call to gloat on him. In fact 98% of the time he's a complete ass. He and my mom were pissed at me for not making more of an effort to celebrate him. I was pissed about it for about a day then I got over it because he's not a father to me, why should I pretend?
3. My birthday was a couple weeks ago. I had to work that day but I had a nice time celebrating with family and friends the day of and the weekend prior. Obviously I don't feel any older but I'm starting to get wrinkles around my eyes and I'm NOT liking it at all. Any suggestions on eye/wrinkle cream would be greatly appreciated :-) If you would like to read about my birthday, you can go here.
4. Mr. H and I are going away for a couple days this coming weekend. Then I'm taking vacation for a week. We don't really have any plans for my time off, I just plan on relaxing and enjoying the peace and quiet.
5. On the TTC end- it's still going. We bought some fertility aid vitamins that were supposed to improve sperm quality and general fertility. I was really excited about buying them, $100 and a month later, they were still in the bag untouched. I don't know why I didn't/couldn't take them. So I returned them. I can always repurchase them right? I guess deep down I knew they wouldn't really help anything.
6. I 've been wanting to paint our bedroom and rearrange furniture in there for a while. But I'm a nerd and I needed to make sure that the furniture placement would work the way I wanted it to so I had to draw out a plan first. It will work :-) Now I just have to do it. I haven't really decided on a color yet, though I'm leaning towards lighter blue/gray/greens. Our room doesn't get much light so I don't want it to feel any darker than it is. Our bedding and decor is in these tones and we have dark wood furniture. Any suggestions? I'm all ears.
7. The Texas heat is killing me and causing me to melt away a little at a time. Why is it so dang hot and humid here? I can't wait for the fall again.

Guess that's all for now. Hopefully I'll blog again before the month is over! I hope you are all doing well. Miss you guys.

~Monica

So close

It's March and I can't help but think know that we could have a baby at home with us right now. What am I talking about? Well back in late October/ early November my mom got a call from her co-worker saying that he knew of a couple babies up for adoption because he knew of our story. His sister is head of a hospital in a small town in here in Texas and she told him if he knew of anyone who was interested in adoption to give her a call.


So I called. There were two women (one of them had the same name as me) who were giving up their babies for adoption because they couldn't care for them. They were about 4-ish months pregnant and neither knew the sex. They just knew they didn't want them. When I spoke to the lady in charge she told me that neither women were very well educated, both were Hispanic and both were in their 30's. One was married and the other was not. Both already had children.


I was also told that both babies were due in mid February and were healthy. Generally we'd have to pay for the rest of the mother's care but because they were both on Medicaid, there was no charge to us. All we had to pay was the lawyer's fees, which was about $1500. So all we had to do was wait a few months, hire a lawyer and go pick up the baby. What was stopping us?


I spoke with one mother. It was very surreal. I was basically selling myself to her, telling her all about us-- our names (first only), about our fertility history, what we did for a living, why we wanted a baby, why we didn't have children, why we couldn't have children and why we thought we'd be good parents to the baby she was carrying. I was a nervous wreck. I gave her as much info as I possibly could without sounding desperate and crazy. I also asked her a few questions.

She is married to a man who beats her, so she's separated. She currently has 6 kids though none of them live with her. 3 boys and 3 girls live with her mother and they range in age from 2-12. That's 6 kids, though this was her 12th pregnancy. Yeah, you read that right. Her first child was given up to adoption when she was 15. Somewhere in the mix she had 3 abortions and 1 miscarriage. Two of the abortions were with her husband because she didn't want to carry his children and one is because she was raped.

She told me she drank and partied a lot, except for when she was pregnant (except that seems to be all the time). She was giving up this baby because she's not on speaking terms with her mother and her mother didn't want to raise another one of her kids. Here's where the problem comes in...I judged her. I judged her for having that many pregnancies, that many abortions, for being that careless and irresponsible, for not wanting her baby, for not being a mother to the kids she had. All the while I was judging her, I felt I was being judged as well for being such a loser. She asked me to send her a picture of us and I did, anxiously, and never heard back from her. What does that mean?

I know it's wrong to have judged her. I do. If she had a perfect life, a supporting husband, the finances, etc. she would probably be keeping this baby. Then what, my judgement would end? I know that baby deserves a good life and I know we could have given it to him or her. I acknowledge that she was doing the best thing for that baby by giving him the opportunity to be raised by parents who want him. But those parents were not us.

We thought about it for a week. We thought about all we'd have to do and I became overwhelmed by the idea. I thought of how effortless it all was and got swept up in that. I liked the idea of being able to adopt and have a baby grow up with us in our quiet home. It's what we've been longing for. But that wasn't our baby. It's not because of my feelings towards the mom, but that baby just didn't feel like it was ours. I know our baby is out there and he or she is waiting for the right time to enter our lives but he wasn't it. I just feel badly because his mother didn't want him and neither did we. I hope by now he's born, healthy, happy and loved entirely by his adoptive parents.

Until then we will wait...

I know I may receive some flack for being so judgemental to a woman who was being so "selfless" but please be kind.

Focus

"Focus more on your desire than on your doubt, and the dream will take care of itself. You may be surprised at how easily this happens. Your doubts are not as powerful as your desires, unless you make them so." — Marcia Weider

I wrote down this quote several months ago, though I don't know where it came from or why exactly I felt it spoke to me.

Or maybe I did.

Calendar Issues

Went back to work yesterday after being off for 5 weeks. I was kind of dreading it to be honest (big surprise!) but the kids were actually well behaved and dare I say it, a delight to be around. Maybe it's just because I missed them :-)

I've thought a lot about what I want to do concerning TTC. On the 23rd, I called in a Rx for birth control but I can't make myself go pick it up. I don't usually pick them up (mr. h does) but I can't seem to ask him to go get it either. I called it in when I was still on my period and thought I would take it as soon as it was over since that's when I'd need to start it but then it felt wrong to start taking BC during the holidays so I held off. Maybe next month, but I really don't know.

After the one year mark of TTC hit, I told myself that I wasn't going to go to the doctor and that I would be okay TTC on our own without medical help until the end of February. That gave us 4 more months. Well now we're down to 2 months and February doesn't seem so far off. I'm feeling a little pressured by the calendar.

For 7 months I was charting my saliva and checking for "ferns". I continued to do this and didn't see any real patterns for ovulation. According to Ovulite, there are 3 phrases of ferning. #1 is no ferns and not fertile, #2 is some ferns and somewhat fertile and #3 is lots of ferns and fertile/ovulating. In theory, around ovulation is when you would see lots of ferning. And again in theory, ovulation would occur mid month around the 15th day. Well I collected my drops of saliva first thing in the morning before eating or drinking and I would receive peak readings (#3- fertile) right after my period and it would stay that way several days in a row. I marked the days with a number 1, 2, or 3 and I had a lot of 3's all over the place but no real pattern. When I went to the doctor I told her about this and she said I was either doing it incorrectly (you spit on a slide and view it after it's dry under a microscope- what's there to mess up?) or I wasn't ovulating. I'm going with the second.

She suggested I buy a Fertility monitor (the one with pee sticks) and use it daily. I told her I used a friend's monitor and she suggested we get our own. The thing is I can't afford the monitor or the sticks! And talk about pressure. That was worse for me, which is why I started using the Ovulite in the first place. I just can't do it. I stopped charting a few weeks ago and it's been liberating. I rarely ever think about doing it, which has been nice. And I think Mr. h feels less pressured about trying to perform and making a baby. That in itself has been an issue. I minor one, but an issue in itself. This whole thing is just stressful.

We still haven't scheduled the appointment for the sem.em an.alysis. I know in my heart the problem doesn't lie in him. It made me feel better at the time thinking that I could have been the "normal" one but I know I'm not. One day at a time. One day at a time.

We did manage to get to the cemetery to see the boys. We made it out there the day after Chrsitmas. It was a beautiful day. We cleaned their headstones, wished them a Merry Christmas and gave them a kiss. Then we went to say hello a couple of their friends- Logan, Evan and Tyler. Below is the newest addition to Mr. H's villages. I love it.

I was originally thinking that I would get on BC in December take it for 2 months and get off it just in time for our anniversary. I was hoping we could make an anniversary baby but that plan is obviously out since the BC is still at the pharmacy. I may go get it and just keep it for when I feel ready to take it and then again maybe not. Maybe I won't need it.

And I know you are trying to be positive and encouraging when you say "this is [my] year" but that's hard to read because I was told that and I started to believe it LAST year. I just feel more pressure. Not your fault in the least and I thank you for being there for me. I just wish time and cycles weren't an issue. Damn the calendar.

mr. h just asked me if I was "still hopeful". I want to be and somedays I am.

While The Feelings Are Still Fresh

I've had tender breasts for 2 weeks.
I thought this months could be it. Where have you heard that before?
I didn't want to say it outloud for risk of jinxing myself or being disappointed and looking/feeling like an asshole later on.
I sat and fed Baby M today and admired his sweet face.
I wondered if I would be feeding my own 10 month old in a year and a half.
I was waiting for a few more days to test.
I was dreaming about what a nice quiet and private weekend Mr. H and I would have together to relish in our news.
News that I made up in my head.
I was thinking about quitting my job, and what a perfect time it would be since I have off the entire month of December anyway.
I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing the "bad" underwear.
The same pair of underwear I have worn and gotten a visit from Aunt Flo for the last 4 months.
I vowed to myself to throw them away once I got home.
I went to the bathroom before I left work and...well you know.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like an idiot.
Why can't I do this?!
What am I doing wrong?!
Did I mention that this is our 12 month of trying?
I'm afraid of the secondary infertility title.
I don't want the extra burden or expense.
Why is this so difficult?
I feel worthless. Utterly worthless.

Please don't tell me you're sorry.

De-Funked and A Request

Soooooo. What's up? How's it going? How are you?

Oh, you want to know how I am? Wanna know about the funk that I was so grumpy and dramatic about?

Well now that a few days have passed and I'm not so pissy I'll share. I'm trying to get over it, slowly but surely.

It all basically comes down to this cycle being a bust. I was 5 days late, then I started spotting on Sunday. I spotted for a couple days and it was faintly pink til it turned into a regular flow. I'm just irritated and frustrated.

August 1st marked 9 months. We've been trying for 9 months all for 9 more months. I just really thought this month was going to be successful. We had sex almost every other day. I propped a pillow under my butt after intercourse for 30 minutes at a time while Mr. H was showering so he didn't know I was doing it. I didn't want him to know I was so desperate. Now he knows because he's reading... (hi hon!). I'm still checking and charting cervical mucous as well as ferning. I just want it to happen already!

It took us 10 months to get pregnant with Sam. And ironically we started TTC on August 1, 2005. So really we've been at this for 4 years. Dang, that's a long time! I feel hopeful because this month could be our month, but then again I feel pressured to make it happen. I know if we don't conceive this month I will feel like a failure. I know I'm not. We're not failures but that doesn't mean I won't feel that way. I don't understand why things don't work the way they should!

That and I've been off of work for the last 5 weeks. LD and his family went home for the summer so I had some (unpaid) time off. I had to go back to work yesterday, though she tried to get me to go back earlier because she was so busy and had "so much work to do". I got to work yesterday and she asked me to stay late. I agreed, only for her to leave to go shopping with her family that's visiting. She just gets on my nerves.

Yesterday, August 5th, was Jack's due date. I don't really know what else to say about it, other than I just miss him so much and wish he were here.

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Next Saturday, the 15th, is Sam's 3rd birthday. I've been inspired by Carly and Sarah and I'm asking you all (if you want to) to write or spell out Sam's name, take a picture of it and E-MAIL it to me. Of course if you want to, you can do Jack's name too :-) You can go here, here or here for some inspiration.

Thank you all for listening, reading, emailing and being there for me.

still in the race

Just wanted to say thank you for coming out of hiding and commenting on my last post. I sincerely appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Some of your comments made me a little teary eyed. There were 31 comments and I only know 3 of you in real life. Some of you pray for me, think of me, hope for me and I never knew you existed. You all amaze me and I am in awe of your kind spirits.

When I said I was needy, I didn't mean I was in need of comments. This process of trying to make a baby is time consuming, it's exhausting, it's emotionally draining... I was just feeling alone--a little left behind. And I just needed to know you were out there.

I have my good days and my bad days, although I tend to not show how bad I feel inside. I'm grateful to be TTC because it felt like this time would never come. There are some days it feels like we just started trying and then I realize it's been 7 1/2 months and I wonder what the hell is taking so long, or what's wrong with me.

I'm a little jealous of all the pregnancies that are popping up everywhere, some in blogland and some in real life. None of them are my friends, but they're friends of friends and they keep sharing with me the great news. It is great news and I AM happy for them (I promise) but it's just feels like more pressure on me to make it happen. (Rachel, I'm not talking about you).

I know no one is pressuring me and no one is trying to make me feel badly, it just happens. It's like when you're running a race and you're being lapped by the athletes of the group. I'm being lapped over and over again and sometimes I wonder why I'm still running.

I will reach the finish line. That's my goal anyway.

A Bust

So I actually thought I got pregnant this cycle because I'm 2 weeks late, as of today. It took me a lot to finally break down and pee on the stick, because I was afraid but I tested yesterday and it was negative. So disappointing, but I'm okay.

This time was different though. I actually had pregnancy symptoms. I hope I wasn't making them up in my mind :-) My breasts were sore (they're still sore), I was tired, I was late. I don't know, I just felt like this was it, and it's not. Of course there is a chance of the test I took being wrong, but I doubt it.

I think mostly, I'm frustrated with my cycles being so "off". Two cycles ago AF was 3 weeks late, last month it was a week early. This cycle I'm late again. I called my OB this morning and made an appointment tomorrow morning with her nurse practitioner for an annual exam. From there, I'll schedule another appt. with my OB to discuss TTC, ovulating, my wacky cycles, etc.

Fun stuff, no?

Sincerely, Monica

I have a confession to make.

Whenever I found out someone else was pregnant and I wasn't, I used to sing this song. It made me laugh, if only temporarily. It was what I needed.

I don't do that anymore. Whenever I hear that song on the radio, I still chuckle a little bit, but I don't think of any of you. Aren't you glad?

I also have to admit, that whenever I heard or read of another pregnancy, in real life or in blogland, it stung. It hurt because it wasn't me and I so badly wanted it to be. I also know that no one can stop living their life just because I was still hurting, and the same thing goes for me.

I remember a time when everyone was getting pregnant but me. Hell, we weren't even trying so there was no way we could get pregnant. That in itself was hard. This is what I wrote just over a year ago, in this post:

"I feel like I've been left behind. Almost every week, I read of a new pregnancy or a new birth. I am thrilled for the new mothers or soon-to-be mothers because I know the long road they took to get there. I know the heartache they went through to get where they are. I am happy for them because it's a dream come true, but it becomes increasingly harder to read. Then I get upset and start to feel sorry for myself. Then Mr. H wants to know what is wrong and I don't want to tell him because all he is going to say is "stop reading blogs if they upset you". He has a point, but I'm still going to get upset over my own life and not being pregnant and he doesn't want to hear all that. So, I continue to read because it gives me hope that it will happen someday."

A lot has change over the past year and I know my time will come. It's been 6 months so far and we're still trying. And that's okay. We've made and are still making progress towards our future, and that's all I ever wanted.

I just hope that when ever my time comes that there are no hard feelings towards me. I know a few of you out there, are currently trying, are going through IVF, are waiting to try again, or are still in a place where you so badly want a baby in your arms and don't. Please know I think of you all. I pray for you all everyday and I wish you the life you want and so badly deserve.

I thank you all for supporting me on this journey and I wish this person a very sincere congratulations!

6 Months and Counting

A few of you have asked about the status of us TTC. I don't mind the interest or the questions, it's just easier to write about it here than to answer the same thing several times in emails.

So... as of today, May 1st, we are at 6 months and counting. Last month I thought I could have been ...with child, then AF showed up 3 weeks late and ruined it for me. This month was a bust too. I started a week earlier than I should have. It lasted a week then stopped, then 2 days later I started spotting again.

So we wait and see.

Anyone have any suggestions on ovulation predictors/methods. I've tried OPK's and they're too expensive for me to keep up with and I did it for 3 months and never saw the egg. Anything you did that worked?

BTW, today is also my Dad's birthday. Happy Birthday Asshole.

Storms

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass.....it's about learning how to dance in the rain" Author Unknown

Thank you for all your comments on my last post. I needed and appreciated them.

On Sunday, what I thought was my period, seemed to dissipate. It was almost watered down and pink, then brown and then nothing! And then I thought "I can handle this." and then Monday it came full force. So, needless to say, I've had many ups and downs in the last few days.

The thing is, I don't know if I was pregnant. I hoped I was. I somewhat believed I was and I became even more convinced with each passing day. But I was too chicken shit to pee on the stick. I honestly hoped that I would be pregnant and I could ignore it for a few weeks. In my mind that was easier to bear, than actually knowing.

If I tested and it was positive, then I got my period, I'd be devastated. So, in a way, I felt like I was doing myself a favor. If I didn't "know" then I didn't have a reason to be upset. But now it's too late and every time I go to the bathroom I investigate the contents on my tissue and my mind goes there. I should have tested but I didn't and I couldn't.

We'll see what happens next month.

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Last May, we had some scary weather, that involved lots of wind, a tornado warning and lots of hail banging on our kitchen windows.

Today, we had a similar occurrence. Only it was daylight, and not as windy, so I went outside to take pictures ;-)



Can you tell where Autumn likes to pee?


This reminded me of a snowball fight. Packing up your snowballs and piling them high, ready to take aim against the bullies in the neighborhood, or in my case, my older brother :-)


And this is our front flower beds. They look like they're covered in packing peanuts!


How's that for a hail storm? Gotta love Texas weather...

If Only You Believe

My period is 3 weeks late. I've been a nervous wreck for 3 long weeks. Every day without a visit from AF is a blessing. I've told one person and she immediately got excited. Something I wanted to feel but have been too afraid to do.

I've been worrying myself, exciting myself, stressing myself, wondering 'what if" for 3 weeks. And today I finally broke the silence in a very inconspicuous sort of way (I pointed to the calendar) and told Mr. h I was late.

I let myself feel and believe in...you know.

Then today I got my period. That's what happens when you believe out loud.

TTC Distractions

I've been kind of quiet lately. Which I guess is a good thing because it means things are pretty uneventful. When I first started blogging it was to release my feelings, to help alleviate some of the grief, or help it along anyway. It's been 2 and a half years since Sam died and 2 since Jack. My grief isn't what it used to be. I never thought that I would rise above the overwhelming sadness and I have.

I can't say that I've gotten over my losses or my boys, but I'm moving forward. You know the cliche saying "Time heals all wounds" well it's not true- as you all know. But there is a quote that I read long ago that has stayed with me. "Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that heals" And over the past 31 months I have cried, prayed, screamed, plead, yearned, missed, loved, and lived. It's been a long journey to get here and it feels safe.

We've been TTC for 4 months now and it feels good to be making some progress. To know that we're building our future one day at a time. But I'm scared shitless. I'm not scared of conceiving and I'm not scared of the pregnancy. I'm scared to lose. I almost feel like I did when we were TTC Jack. I felt hopeful and full of information that would save our baby. I didn't feel the least bit of skepticism. I honestly believed that that pregnancy would be different. People even believed and told me it would be different. I believed them. We planned for it we took precautionary measurements to bring him into this world and our plan failed.

I'm starting to feel hopefully optimistic again. I'm equipped with even more knowledge, we've found better, more skilled doctors and we've properly grieved (well, we're not quite through grieving, but you know what I mean.) Hell, we bought a cemetery plot. I'd say we're more than prepared. I feel like we're ready, like our time has finally come and I just don't want to be disappointed again. I don't know how to do this all over again. I just can't.

So please bear with me as I post pictures of my pets, cake, jewelery or flowers, basically anything and everything that is completely unrelated to TTC. It's my way of coping when words fail me. It's a distraction that keeps me from stressing.

A Promise Kept -Part 3

I meant to post sooner, but I've been sick and have felt like poo run over by a semi. Pretty picture I've painted, huh?

If you need to get caught up in this little mini-series, then read Part 1 and Part 2 first.

We stood in the stairwell after leaving our last appointment and we both held each other and cried. I think we left there knowing our limits. We made a promise to each other--to love each other and to do our best to keep each other happy--to keep our family whole and full of love.

It was like a light bulb went off for us and though we never spoke about our last appointment again, we just knew we didn't want to go back there ever again.

Things changed. We were happier. The pressure to have a baby and a perfect life lessened. Mr. H still wants a "prefect" life and I still desire to have a child, we have found a nice balance between the two.

It has been nearly 2 years since Jack died. Though I never spoke my thoughts aloud, I desired to be pregnant again by the end of 2007. I wanted to try again. I felt I could do it and I needed to prove to myself and everyone else that I could do it. Mr. h wanted to wait. At this time we were going to group counseling (with the guy who quit us) and we tried to work through our feelings and reservation of trying again. It didn't really get us anywhere. Mr. H wanted to wait a full year to TTC. So we waited. February came and went and still nothing.

A few more months passes and Mr. H kept changing his mind about wanting to try again. I think initially he decided to wait a year because it seemed so far away and because he hoped that by the time came around he would be ready. He wasn't and rather than telling me, he just kept putting me off. He didn't know how to tell me he wasn't ready for fear of upsetting me so he just avoided any and all things that had to do with babies and baby making. I waited patiently month after month until I couldn't take it anymore. Which landed us in therapy this last time. The whole idea was to find a nice compromise between what he and I both wanted. We found that together.

In November we tried for the first time to conceive. It was wonderful. It was unexpected and beautiful and...it just was. It was what and how and when we needed it to be. I still have reservations talking about it because I feel like I'm going to jinx things. I feel if I don't put too much weight on the situation that it won't hurt as badly when Mr. H changes his mind or when we don't conceive as soon as I'd like.

It's just all so new to me right now. I haven't done this in a long while and I find myself freaking out just a bit- in a good way. So if you're the praying type- pray for us that this works and the wee one that is trying to be made strives. Or light a candle, chant or sprinkle some baby-makin' fairy dust our way.

I am still hopeful.

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BTW, Congratulations to JGirl and Coggy on the births of their new beautiful babies.