Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ready To Talk- Part 1

I have a confession to make.

Last may, I started a new private blog to blog about what I didn't think I could say here. It contained personal stuff going on with my husband and stuff I needed to vent about but didn't want anyone else to know. I recently transferred the old posts and deleted the blog. I don't need it anymore.

I'm ready to talk.

Last summer I went to see Mr. H's cousin. She has 3 young kids (13, 6 and 2 1/2). Her youngest was born just days before Sam, so seeing him doing what a 2 year does can be tough. She lives only a few blocks from us, but I think there's a reason why we don't visit more often. Anyway, she had a garage sale and I went over to help her clean up. I was only going over there for a couple hours, but ended up staying for lunch afterwards as well.

When I got home, Mr. H was in the shower. I went into the office to check email and on the desk was a contract. It was a contract for a cemetery plot. A plot right next to Sam and Jack. I read and re-read the contract over and over to try to figure out what I was actually reading. The contract looked familiar to me, as I had already read and signed two of them in the past. There was not a name on it besides Mr. H's and mine. It looked exactly like the other two, but I didn't understand why it was on the desk and not filed. The only difference was the date and the plot number. Plot #8. We already own plots #9 and #10.

Then it was all suddenly clear what he did and I lost it. I was BEYOND upset--more like devastated. He wasn't ready to try again, but it seemed to me that he was ready to bury another baby. How do you do one without the other? It didn't make sense to me and I didn't want to vent and cry on here about Mr. H because I didn't want y'all to judge him. I didn't want y'all to be mad at him or think he was a jerk, just because I did at the time.

I know why he bought the plot, but I still don't understand or want it. He bought it because this section of the cemetery is filling up very quickly. There is only one spot left in the row next to my babies. *IF* we were to have another loss (and I hate even thinking about that) then where would be bury him or her? Away from the boys? Two rows down and to the left? The only spot I would want another child to be buried is next to their siblings. And plot #8 happened to be this said spot. IF we ever needed it, then we'd have it.

I know he bought this spot for me, but it hurts my heart to have it. I refused to have my name on the contract. I didn't/don't want to be a part of it. We got paperwork the other day from the cemetery stating our "property" was officially paid in full. I've ignored it and put it out of my mind, but every time we visit the boys I see this empty spot and hope it stays that way. I think by having this spot, Mr. H feels prepared. Prepared for the worst, I guess. I think if another baby dies, their burial spot won't be my biggest concern. But I will feel "better" if they're all together.

God, I hope we don't have to bury another child. God are you listening? I'm begging you- please! don't allow this to happen again.

...Stay tuned for part 2.


my3sons said...

That makes my heart so sad. On one hand I think he is a sensitive, nice husband to even think of it. He was worried that "if" it happened again, he wanted them to be together. I'm sure that I would have reacted like you though. That he doesn't think that you can bring a baby home. BUT it also tells me that he may be ready to try again? Obviously, I don't know the answers to any of this, but can see it from both sides I guess. I pray that you and your husband have another precious baby! Thinking of you! Katie

Rachel said...

Gosh, that is tough. Since I'm not in the situation, I can see where both of you are coming from. I would have been upset too, but realize that grief makes us do things we wouldn't normally be compelled to do.

I don't think you are going to bury another baby. I don't know why, I just do.

Becky said...


We're always here for you.

The Nanny said...

I'm here to say exactly what Becky did. Thinking of you.

Hennifer said...

wow... that is rough. I'm glad you are opening up. I hope you two can find a peaceful way to move forward, whatever the direction may be.

Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

I think it has to be hard on both of you.Men have their way of dealing with things and we have ours.I dont think hes a bad guy its just a mans way of thinking about things..praying that you dont ever have to worry about using that other plot..I think you have great Dr,s that will be with you every step of the way.take care of yourself..
thanks for opening up..always here for you...

Cindi said...

Oh Monica, you've been keeping a lot of things bottled up inside. I've always thought that men handle emotional things differently than women do, and once I realized and accepted that, life became more tolerable. Please know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

I really hope that you can continue to work on things and get to the point where you can be totally open and honest with each other, because as time goes on, you will need that.

After seeing how my husband dealt with our three miscarriages and then my cancer, I realized how strong of a person he was, and it was the cancer that brought us so much closer than we had ever been.

It's possible for men to change and grow...just remember that.

Kristi said...

That must have been heart-breaking to find.

I hope you & Mr. H. can find hope together.

I want to write more, Ethan's sick today & not letting me outta his sight. I'll call you soon!

Love you!

christyna said...

maybe having it will mean you do not need it. you didn't have the others ahead of time...I'm sorry you have to deal with any of this at all.

mrsmuelly said...

God forbid that anything happens...but Mr. H's heart is in the right place as far as I'm concerned. My boys are separated by a nameless plot and it just kills me.

Honestly it doesn't matter anyway because you won't be using that "property".

Jaded Girl said...

oh wow. this hurts me. and you know, not for a second do i think badly about your husband. I see the logic, it's painful and uncomfortable and it sickens me to the pit of my stomach because as sad as it is to admit, there is a point to this and he is being a loving father in his own way. he is looking out for a future child incase the worst happens again.

i can relate because i want to get memorial tatoos for Emi and Daniella but am afraid that if i need another one (please God, no more dead babies!!!) it won't work for the first two.

so i get it and boy do i hope you NEVER have to use it.
big hugs and please don't be hard on him! please see what he is really doing.