I have a confession to make.
Last may, I started a new private blog to blog about what I didn't think I could say here. It contained personal stuff going on with my husband and stuff I needed to vent about but didn't want anyone else to know. I recently transferred the old posts and deleted the blog. I don't need it anymore.
I'm ready to talk.
Last summer I went to see Mr. H's cousin. She has 3 young kids (13, 6 and 2 1/2). Her youngest was born just days before Sam, so seeing him doing what a 2 year does can be tough. She lives only a few blocks from us, but I think there's a reason why we don't visit more often. Anyway, she had a garage sale and I went over to help her clean up. I was only going over there for a couple hours, but ended up staying for lunch afterwards as well.
When I got home, Mr. H was in the shower. I went into the office to check email and on the desk was a contract. It was a contract for a cemetery plot. A plot right next to Sam and Jack. I read and re-read the contract over and over to try to figure out what I was actually reading. The contract looked familiar to me, as I had already read and signed two of them in the past. There was not a name on it besides Mr. H's and mine. It looked exactly like the other two, but I didn't understand why it was on the desk and not filed. The only difference was the date and the plot number. Plot #8. We already own plots #9 and #10.
Then it was all suddenly clear what he did and I lost it. I was BEYOND upset--more like devastated. He wasn't ready to try again, but it seemed to me that he was ready to bury another baby. How do you do one without the other? It didn't make sense to me and I didn't want to vent and cry on here about Mr. H because I didn't want y'all to judge him. I didn't want y'all to be mad at him or think he was a jerk, just because I did at the time.
I know why he bought the plot, but I still don't understand or want it. He bought it because this section of the cemetery is filling up very quickly. There is only one spot left in the row next to my babies. *IF* we were to have another loss (and I hate even thinking about that) then where would be bury him or her? Away from the boys? Two rows down and to the left? The only spot I would want another child to be buried is next to their siblings. And plot #8 happened to be this said spot. IF we ever needed it, then we'd have it.
I know he bought this spot for me, but it hurts my heart to have it. I refused to have my name on the contract. I didn't/don't want to be a part of it. We got paperwork the other day from the cemetery stating our "property" was officially paid in full. I've ignored it and put it out of my mind, but every time we visit the boys I see this empty spot and hope it stays that way. I think by having this spot, Mr. H feels prepared. Prepared for the worst, I guess. I think if another baby dies, their burial spot won't be my biggest concern. But I will feel "better" if they're all together.
God, I hope we don't have to bury another child. God are you listening? I'm begging you- please! don't allow this to happen again.
...Stay tuned for part 2.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
I have a confession to make.