Thursday, September 24, 2009


Not much going on lately, which I guess is a good thing.

On Saturday we went to the capitol and took family pictures. Actually my talented friend, Lori, took our pictures. We had great fun though it was a little humid. I can't wait to see how they turned out! We haven't taken a family photo (mom and siblings) since my sister was about 9 months old. She is now 23! Crazy huh? I'd say it was about time for another. This time my little brother, my step dad and my hubs were all there too. I'll share them with you when I get them. Thanks again Lori!

After our photo shoot we went to the RV show. Don't laugh. I'd love to get an RV and travel with the pets. Oh, that would be so much fun, don't you think? Especially this time of year when the leaves are changing and it's getting cooler.

After the RV show we went to dinner at Out.back Steakhouse. We were going to go somewhere else but I remembered how good and garlicky their Caesar salad was, so that's where we went. When we were seated at our table they had a laminated booklet of appetizers and desserts propped open on the table showing 2 pages.

On the right page was a picture of a birthday cake and candle that said "It's Jack's Birthday!". As I sat down, I saw the other page that was an ad for Sam A.dams Beer. I smiled at Mr. H sitting across the table from me- both our boys were right there with us for dinner.

Afterwards we went to see a movie- Love H.appens. It was much more different than I expected. I knew that A.aron Ec.hart's wife in the movie died then he later met J.ennifer A.niston's character and fell in love. Kinda. His wife did die and he did meet another woman but it was so much more than that. In the movie he wrote a self-help book for those who were grieving the loss of a loved one. 90% of the movie is about him trying to help others deal with their losses when he hasn't even dealt with his own loss.

A father in the movie lost his son and he blames himself. The feelings that they portrayed were so real and took me back to those days. The blame, the guilt, the desperation. Of course it all had a happy ending but it wasn't so much of a love story/romance as one would expect. I think A.aron Eck.hart was brilliant in this movie but just know it's not one for a first date. And don't forget your tissues.

On another note, I am making sugar cut-out cookies and cupcakes for a "welcome baby" party this weekend. You may remember that I told you about A's friend who was pregnant with twins until one (Luci) died. Well the surviving twin is doing well and growing like a weed. I haven't seen her but I've been told she looks like a "normal" newborn baby. Her due date was in August but since she was born a little early she had to stay in the hospital for several weeks. She is home now and has been for a month or so they're having a welcome/meet the baby party for her this Sunday. I was invited but I don't think I'll go. It just doesn't feel right.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Birthday Girl!

My girl Autumn has a birthday today. I made her peanut butter and oatmeal cookies and a pink flower to put on her collar. I'm sure she's glad I didn't make her another homemade hat :-)

I've written about her on my other blog where I'm also having a giveaway. So go read, leave a comment and who knows....maybe you'll win!

Happy 5th Birthday Stinker!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

raining on my parade

It seems every other post I write is about a visit from AF. This one is no different. If you want to stop reading or if you want to comment and tell me to shut up and stop feeling sorry for self then go ahead. I deserve it.

With my cycle being thrown off because of the unexpected bleeding I had last month I wasn't sure when Aunt Flo would visit. She came today, which I half expected because I was having lower back pain a couple days ago. Before I went to bed last night I went to the bathroom and when I wiped it was faintly pink. I went to bed hoping that was all it was.

I'm not terribly upset. I am frustrated though. I let my mind go there, though I don't tell anyone so I don't jinx myself. I start thinking that I actually could be pregnant because my breast are sore (and have been for 2 weeks now). In fact I got kind of giddy when I woke in the middle of the night to tell Mr. H to stop snoring. You see, I'm a heavy sleeper and can sleep through anything. But when I was pregnant with both boys, the slightest thing woke me up. The one thing that was a constant bother was Mr. H's snoring.

It's not loud by any means but I heard it. So when I woke up in the middle of the night to his snoring I was hopeful. I took it as a sign.

Of course I didn't test though because denial is a good thing. In my mind I think that if I am pregnant and I wait as long as I can to test then at least that much time has passed and I don't have to face reality. Ignorance really is bliss.

And while I'm at it can I just complain (some more!) about everyone else getting pregnant? I started a food blog awhile back to get my mind of things. It really helped and because I love to bake and blog so it was a nice distraction. In food blog lands, things don't get too personal. Sure you get to know people through their style of cooking, and who they cook for but that's as far as it usually goes. It seems though that lately they all keep getting pregnant! I've learned of 4 different pregnancies over the past few weeks. I want to run and hide and bury myself in a different hobby that doesn't involve fertile women. Perhaps knitting with grannies??? Anyone want to join me?

Another frustration of mine is with my health insurance. I was covered under my mom's insurance til I was 25 years old. Then Mr. H and I got our own insurance together (he was previously not covered). For the last 2 years we've been paying for maternity coverage as well just in case. We started out paying $400/month for both of us. That included the maternity benefits. It has gone up twice over the last year and we're now paying $517/ month. About $130 of that is the maternity benefits that I have paid for the last 2 years (accumulated amount $3120!)

We met with a couple insurance reps that met with us at our house to discuss our options for a different provider. They were not aware of my unique circumstances. So after finding out about it, they told us there was not an insurance company that would cover us for any cheaper. We then discovered a rider in insurance agreement that says:

"This policy/certificate does not cover any loss incurred by Monica H as a result of incompetent cervix, complications therefrom, and treatment therefor. This rider specifically excludes loss incurred as a result of preterm labor. "

We could get group insurance (it only takes 2 people to make a group) that would cover everything pertaining to a future pregnancy but that would cost us about $1000/month. We don't have a grand to spend on insurance a month. We can barely afford the $500. So I'm not sure what we're going to do. It's been about 3 weeks since the insurance reps said they'd look into new plans and call our insurance to see exactly what they'll cover. They haven't called us back. And I don't really care.

I've been so sick to my stomach about it all so I haven't made any effort to contact the insurance company to see what they'll cover. Apparently we've been paying all this time for nothing. I wondered what they will cover and according to the policy, they'll pay for hospital stay and medications at delivery. My OB thinks we shouldn't drop the insurance because if that's the only thing they cover that's at least $15,000 we don't have to pay for.

It just pisses me off. How can they take our money and give us a policy for maternity benefits only to say they're not going to cover any maternity care? They're frauds. And how could I have been so stupid to not realize this until now?

Friday, September 4, 2009

Dreams and Crying over Crackers

I've had very vivid dreams this week. I had dreams 4 nights in a row where someone was pregnant. Only once was it me. Other times it was a friend of mine or my aunt. I didn't think much of the first one, then it happened again, and again and again. That was earlier in the week and I haven't had any dreams like them since.

The dream where I was pregnant was very weird. I went to deliver the preemie child, not thinking it was going to survive since it was still so young. When the baby came out, it was very dark skinned (I am not) tiny, but fully developed and it had a head full of dark hair. Hair that was chin length and curled out at the ends- oompa loompa style.

But the interesting part of the dream is that the baby came out and took a deep breath. I found this promising. I don't recall much else, but it was remarkable.

Tuesday night, after grocery shopping I started to put the canned and boxed items in the pantry. At the bottom towards the back of the pantry is a giant tub of animal crackers purchased from Costco. I bought these crackers when I was pregnant with Jack. Yes, I still have them though it's been almost 3 years.

I can't bring myself to throw them away. I had the same problem with throwing away cereal that reminded me of Sam. Except with the cereal, I felt better afterwards. Like a sense of accomplishment. As I was clearing out the pantry, I decided they could be disposed of. Surprisingly they're still crunchy, though they don't taste that fresh.

I was okay with them going in the trash. Or so I thought. Mr. H was putting out the trash for collection and I cried over them being thrown away. It's the only thing still in my pantry that I ate that reminded me of him. I would lay in bed and snack on them before I got up so my stomach wasn't queasy. I kept a baggie of them in my night stand.

I said goodbye to the crackers and got teary. The few tears led to full on crying. OVER ANIMAL CRACKERS! I haven't checked yet, but I think Mr. H put them back in the pantry. I love him.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
~Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

I feel like uncovering the animal crackers (next to 4 cans of formula) and throwing it away trying to throw it away just pulled the scab off my wounds exposing the raw flesh.