Friday, September 4, 2009

Dreams and Crying over Crackers

I've had very vivid dreams this week. I had dreams 4 nights in a row where someone was pregnant. Only once was it me. Other times it was a friend of mine or my aunt. I didn't think much of the first one, then it happened again, and again and again. That was earlier in the week and I haven't had any dreams like them since.

The dream where I was pregnant was very weird. I went to deliver the preemie child, not thinking it was going to survive since it was still so young. When the baby came out, it was very dark skinned (I am not) tiny, but fully developed and it had a head full of dark hair. Hair that was chin length and curled out at the ends- oompa loompa style.

But the interesting part of the dream is that the baby came out and took a deep breath. I found this promising. I don't recall much else, but it was remarkable.

Tuesday night, after grocery shopping I started to put the canned and boxed items in the pantry. At the bottom towards the back of the pantry is a giant tub of animal crackers purchased from Costco. I bought these crackers when I was pregnant with Jack. Yes, I still have them though it's been almost 3 years.

I can't bring myself to throw them away. I had the same problem with throwing away cereal that reminded me of Sam. Except with the cereal, I felt better afterwards. Like a sense of accomplishment. As I was clearing out the pantry, I decided they could be disposed of. Surprisingly they're still crunchy, though they don't taste that fresh.

I was okay with them going in the trash. Or so I thought. Mr. H was putting out the trash for collection and I cried over them being thrown away. It's the only thing still in my pantry that I ate that reminded me of him. I would lay in bed and snack on them before I got up so my stomach wasn't queasy. I kept a baggie of them in my night stand.

I said goodbye to the crackers and got teary. The few tears led to full on crying. OVER ANIMAL CRACKERS! I haven't checked yet, but I think Mr. H put them back in the pantry. I love him.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
~Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

I feel like uncovering the animal crackers (next to 4 cans of formula) and throwing it away trying to throw it away just pulled the scab off my wounds exposing the raw flesh.


my3sons said...

What a sweet husband you have! It is ok to cry over anything you want to! Katie

Marie W said...

Monica~ I understand the significance of the Animal Crackers. Honey, it is ok to keep them as a reminder of your angel. Keep them as long as you wish until one day you get up and decide it is time. Hubby is awesome!

Virginia said...

I kept a bottle of prescription strength Ibuprofen they gave me after Ben died - for 4 years. When I finally threw it away, I wished I hadn't. Yeah, I get it.


Rachel said...

I'm sorry!

Kristi said...

Sometimes the smallest, seemingly most insignifincant thing can set us off. It's OK. You do what you have to do.

The dream does sound promising!

The Nanny said...


Sophie said...

I couldn't agree more with that quote. It's perfectly ok to still mourn and cry over crackers, especially these crackers. I have never lost a child, but I still keep all the little things that remind me of an aunt I was close to that passed, even if they're broken. So I can only imagine how hard it must be to let go of those crackers... nothing compares to a mother's love. Hang in there :(. The dream is definitely a good sign, I believe it. ::BIG HUG::

Reese said...

I get it too.

I have kept little things too. Keep the crackers. They will probably last a nuclear war.

Sending you hugs and hoping the dreams are dreams of something good this way come.


Anonymous said...

thinking of you...hugs

mrsmuelly said...

Oh Monica!!! You are allowed to cry over animal crackers. I get it. I still have a stack of saltines in my car from Cooper...still! Every time DH opens my glove compartment he asks about my "stale crackers". I always say I'll take care of them...but somehow I need them still. I guess we all need something like that.

Anonymous said...

ahhh...this is so much more than animal crackers, honey. it's a representation of a beautiful past that was filled with hope at the time. you were snacking on them to help you with queasiness while pregnant. you take your time with them as you should take the time with any items that remind you of your precious boys.
i recently posted on preparing the room that was meant for the girls for our roomate.

It was difficult and yet necessary, but i did it when i was ready - over 2 years after losing Emi and over a year after Daniella.

The room is still there and will always truly belong to them. i don't care if our roomate is there or if another baby of our occupies it. Then it will be our baby's room AND the girls'.

No one can take that reality away. Nothing can erase your boys - they were and they 'are' animal crackers or not.

...wish i could have wiped those tears...


froggy mommy said...

Thinking of you and hoping you are well!