Thursday, January 29, 2009

Walking On The Moon

Ever been on one of these? Ever been on 6 different ones about 1,593,826 times each?

They're big germ infested bouncy fun houses. We took L.D to play on these suckers today and he had a blast. I left there with plastic burns on my elbows, my pants falling down, my hair a complete mess, a bum bum (I fell off and busted my butt) and now I'm exhausted and need a nap (after I shower of course).

Let me just tell you, they look like fun. They're big and bright and colorful and unlike your bed at home, you're encouraged to jump and climb on them. But looks can be deceiving. The one that I linked to was actually the hardest one I was on today. Yeah, you read that right. It's not fun, it's hard. I would rather have gone to the gym then to rub cooties all over my body and pretend like I was having fun. You have to climb "ladders" only the steps are made of soft plastic and they're only about 2 inches deep and you keep losing your footing because your socks keep sliding and you have to pull yourself up and over 8 foot hills, just to find your self crawling under big foam tubes with only 10 inches of space to crawl through--think army crawl. And not only are you trying to do all this yourself, you're having to assist a 2 year old who is too small to do any of it himself. And then you realize just how completely out of shape you are...

Oh joy!

You knew there would be pictures of the elbow burns, didn't you!

Not Very Therapeutic- Part 2

Catch up- read Part 1.

After finding the contract for the cemetery plot on the desk, things were not the same between Mr. H and I. I spoke a little bit about things being too much, but I didn't go into detail about the stuff with Mr. H. But I did mention him going back to therapy.

He went to therapy specifically because of this. I was beyond frustrated and though we tried to work things out on our own it didn't work. Things got worse. We were at each other's throats all the time until I pleaded with him to do something about it. I don't think he understood how upset and hurt I was. But as much as I tried to let it go, I just couldn't.

He started seeing a therapist on his own for about 3 months. I wanted him to be at my level of trying again, so he needed to work with him one on so he could overcome his fears. I never inquired about their sessions, but I hoped he would tell me about them. I hoped he would let me in, but unless asked specifically, he's not one to volunteer information.

Starting in August, after our crazy ass vacation and the drama with the in-laws, I made my own appointment with the same therapist. I was going crazy waiting around with no progress being made. I hoped there was progress being made, but in my heart of heart I knew there wasn't. I went to my appt and let everything go. There were many things that I assumed would have been discussed between him and Mr. H that weren't ever brought up. Legally he can't tell me what they talk about in their sessions, but he confirmed that they never talked about the cemetery contract--which was the whole reason he was there! I was livid.

The following session we went together (Mr. H started in May, by this appt. it was already mid August). We were there way past our session time allotment and yet he didn't rush us out. He listened to us and tried to help us understand each other's feelings. But in the end he gave up on us. He told us there wasn't anything else he could do for us. He said our problems could not be worked out in therapy- we had to do it together, by ourselves. He said he wasn't in the business of taking our money and he wasn't going to continue to see us, unless we wanted to pay him to just listen.

Though I was very upset to have him give up on us, he was right. All we were using him for was to say what we couldn't say to each other. It forced us to communicate and it also showed us that if we didn't work things out, we would be apart. And neither of us wanted that. You know the saying, "things will get worse before they get better"? Well, that was our worst. On top of losing the boys, I felt like I was losing my husband too. I felt alone and so did he. Therapy isn't for everyone/every problem and although I think it can be very beneficial, it didn't make our problems go away.

...to be continued in Part 3.

**If you want to receive emails when I update with a new post, let me know.**

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ready To Talk- Part 1

I have a confession to make.

Last may, I started a new private blog to blog about what I didn't think I could say here. It contained personal stuff going on with my husband and stuff I needed to vent about but didn't want anyone else to know. I recently transferred the old posts and deleted the blog. I don't need it anymore.

I'm ready to talk.

Last summer I went to see Mr. H's cousin. She has 3 young kids (13, 6 and 2 1/2). Her youngest was born just days before Sam, so seeing him doing what a 2 year does can be tough. She lives only a few blocks from us, but I think there's a reason why we don't visit more often. Anyway, she had a garage sale and I went over to help her clean up. I was only going over there for a couple hours, but ended up staying for lunch afterwards as well.

When I got home, Mr. H was in the shower. I went into the office to check email and on the desk was a contract. It was a contract for a cemetery plot. A plot right next to Sam and Jack. I read and re-read the contract over and over to try to figure out what I was actually reading. The contract looked familiar to me, as I had already read and signed two of them in the past. There was not a name on it besides Mr. H's and mine. It looked exactly like the other two, but I didn't understand why it was on the desk and not filed. The only difference was the date and the plot number. Plot #8. We already own plots #9 and #10.

Then it was all suddenly clear what he did and I lost it. I was BEYOND upset--more like devastated. He wasn't ready to try again, but it seemed to me that he was ready to bury another baby. How do you do one without the other? It didn't make sense to me and I didn't want to vent and cry on here about Mr. H because I didn't want y'all to judge him. I didn't want y'all to be mad at him or think he was a jerk, just because I did at the time.

I know why he bought the plot, but I still don't understand or want it. He bought it because this section of the cemetery is filling up very quickly. There is only one spot left in the row next to my babies. *IF* we were to have another loss (and I hate even thinking about that) then where would be bury him or her? Away from the boys? Two rows down and to the left? The only spot I would want another child to be buried is next to their siblings. And plot #8 happened to be this said spot. IF we ever needed it, then we'd have it.

I know he bought this spot for me, but it hurts my heart to have it. I refused to have my name on the contract. I didn't/don't want to be a part of it. We got paperwork the other day from the cemetery stating our "property" was officially paid in full. I've ignored it and put it out of my mind, but every time we visit the boys I see this empty spot and hope it stays that way. I think by having this spot, Mr. H feels prepared. Prepared for the worst, I guess. I think if another baby dies, their burial spot won't be my biggest concern. But I will feel "better" if they're all together.

God, I hope we don't have to bury another child. God are you listening? I'm begging you- please! don't allow this to happen again.

...Stay tuned for part 2.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Return

Hi Everyone,

I was on a little blogging break over the last week because of some family drama. My aunt read what I wrote in the last two posts and was pissed at me for writing about her. I don't actually know if she was pissed because I wrote about her or because she didn't like what she read. She's still avoiding me- along with other family members. Either way, I'll write more about that tomorrow.

I've had a hard time deciding whether I wanted to go private or start a new fairly anonymous blog. The problem is I don't want my story --Sam and Jack's story-- to be private. I want people to be able to read about them, to know they're not alone. Though I feel hopeless at times, despite the name of this title, I feel that my story, in some way, can offer hope to someone else.

Obviously, this blog is found through Google, because that's how my aunt found me. But that's also how other people find me and come to read. They're seeking something. And at the risk of sounding proud, I think those people can benefit from my story in the archives. But if I stay public and write elsewhere, that means my family can find and read it. I don't want them reading about my fights with my in-laws, problems with Mr. H, or trips to the OB and the dildocam. If I wanted to know those things I would have shared with them. If I continue to write on this site publicly, my family will know my business from the past and the future.

If I were to start a new blog, I'd feel like I was abandoning this one: abandoning Sam and Jack. I'm afraid of being found, of being judged. Again.

Anyway, thank you for reading and for emailing and asking about me. Your thoughts mean a lot to me. If you have any suggestions on what I should do, please leave them in the comment section or email me. Also, Google Reader doesn't work with Private blogs. It doesn't show you when I post or not. So if you'd like me to email you letting you know when I've updated, then let me know. I don't want to send out any unnecessary emails if you don't want them.

Thanks for standing by and supporting me without judgement. That's what we live for isn't it?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

More Babies

Congratulations to Reese, on the arrival of her new daughter and to Niobe who welcomed her new son into this world this morning.

Congratulations Ladies!

PS. I promise a real post is coming soon! Don't give up on me :-)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Bloggers Block

This is the best I could do. Autumn says, wassup?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Daily Grind

I have to go back to work tomorrow. boo. I know I'm lucky to have been able to take off for two weeks, but I still don't want to go back. I have missed LD, but I would somehow manage if I didn't have to take care of him again. His mom tried to talk me out of taking off Christmas break, "if you change your mind and you want to come back, just call". WTF? I only took off for 2 weeks and there are 6 adults in that house. I think they can manage. She's so needy.

We took both our trees, stockings, outside lights, Christmas villages, wreaths, festive night lights and about 50 penguins ( I have a little obsession) down today. It was a little sad. There are no more traces of the holidays left in this house. Life is back to normal- or as normal as life can be.

It's been in the 70's for the last couple weeks. Yesterday it was about 80 degrees. Today it's about 50. What is up with this weather? I know others who are buried in snow would be grateful for such weather, but I wish it would get somewhat cold and stay that way. Where is winter?

Apparently I need to go back to work, because I have nothing important to say- obviously. I'm going to the kitchen now to get some mexican hot chocolate.

I hope everyone had a good weekend.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Survivor Scrapbook & A Few Thank You's

Here is the Survivor scrapbook I made for my Grandmother. It was wrapped in breast cancer ribbon paper, and tied with a pink bow. She thought it was too pretty to open to she sat with it in her lap for a while before opening it :-) These aren't all the pages, but a good majority of them. I hope you like it. Now bad for my first attempt.

(Click on any picture below to enlarge)

A very special thank you to those of you who took the time to send a picture or note for my grandmother. She absolutely loved it and I can't thank you enough for your generosity.

Nanny - Thank you for your inspirational words and hopeful pink hearts.
Christyna - Thank you for the thoughtful card. So touching.
Niobe - Thank you for the hopeful photos of the candles.
Kristi - Thank you for the postcard, the "tatas" sticker and the photo of Ethan- so cute!
Jennifer -Thank you for the handmade drawing/card for my Grandma. And thank you to your son for lending his talent.
Erica - I know you had the best of intentions and that's all that matters. Thank you for thinking of my grandmother.
Reese- Thank you for the picture of the tulip and the poem. So beautiful.
Jaded- Thank you for the festive pink ribbon card for my grandmother. It was perfect.
Darla - Thank you for the lighthouse card and for the words of encouragement.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As some of you have already noticed and commented on, I have updated some of the photos on this site for the new year. My friend, Lori, of Each Day Wiser, graciously took our photo for our holiday cards. She also took several others (about 140- total!) I have put a few of my favorites on here already, including the picture at the very bottom of the page.....go ahead, scroll down. I'll wait..... the photo of Mr. H and I to the right, the picture of Autumn, and the picture of the two empty chairs in the corn field, that symbolizes my boys, Sam and Jack.

Thank you Lori for your time, your effort and your great talent. We love the pictures and are so pleased you captured us all as a family.

Thursday, January 1, 2009


This is the first post of the new year, and it's a good one...

Congrats to Antigone on the birth of her new baby boy!