Survivor Scrapbook & A Few Thank You's

Here is the Survivor scrapbook I made for my Grandmother. It was wrapped in breast cancer ribbon paper, and tied with a pink bow. She thought it was too pretty to open to she sat with it in her lap for a while before opening it :-) These aren't all the pages, but a good majority of them. I hope you like it. Now bad for my first attempt.

(Click on any picture below to enlarge)

A very special thank you to those of you who took the time to send a picture or note for my grandmother. She absolutely loved it and I can't thank you enough for your generosity.

Nanny - Thank you for your inspirational words and hopeful pink hearts.
Christyna - Thank you for the thoughtful card. So touching.
Niobe - Thank you for the hopeful photos of the candles.
Kristi - Thank you for the postcard, the "tatas" sticker and the photo of Ethan- so cute!
Jennifer -Thank you for the handmade drawing/card for my Grandma. And thank you to your son for lending his talent.
Erica - I know you had the best of intentions and that's all that matters. Thank you for thinking of my grandmother.
Reese- Thank you for the picture of the tulip and the poem. So beautiful.
Jaded- Thank you for the festive pink ribbon card for my grandmother. It was perfect.
Darla - Thank you for the lighthouse card and for the words of encouragement.

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As some of you have already noticed and commented on, I have updated some of the photos on this site for the new year. My friend, Lori, of Each Day Wiser, graciously took our photo for our holiday cards. She also took several others (about 140- total!) I have put a few of my favorites on here already, including the picture at the very bottom of the page.....go ahead, scroll down. I'll wait..... the photo of Mr. H and I to the right, the picture of Autumn, and the picture of the two empty chairs in the corn field, that symbolizes my boys, Sam and Jack.

Thank you Lori for your time, your effort and your great talent. We love the pictures and are so pleased you captured us all as a family.

Great News and "Eh" News

LD is officially a big brother now.

He was born sometime around 6 am this morning. His name starts with a 'M' and is usually followed by 'Polo'. He was 8lbs.9oz. and has a big nose. That's all I know.

That's more than I care to know, really.

I was alone most of the day today with LD while his parents were at the hospital. His Dad came home to take a nap. When he woke up all he could say was how tired he was and how the "hard part" was yet to come.

All I wanted to say was "The 'hard part' comes when you have to bury your child. Not when you bring him home. Asshole!"

Instead I smiled, nodded, wished him a good weekend and left for the day. I wasn't as upset as I expected to be, but the thought of a new baby boy did/does make my heart ache. I will inevitably have to see him on Monday when I go back to work.

I was in a bum mood this evening so we went out for dinner. And wouldn't you know we were seated next to 3 chatter box women who were planning a baby shower! One of the ladies' suggestions for favors was to offer a candle with a ribbon wrapped around it and a card attached that said "light this on the day of this child's birth". The ladies all oohed and ahhed about what a great idea it was. Sound familiar? Whatever. We couldn't get out of there fast enough so Mr. H and I mocked them the entire dinner. It was fun :-)

Wanna know some good news?

My grandma had a mammogram on Monday and the results are in: She's still cancer free! Now that's something I can celebrate this weekend.

Remember if you want an inspirational stone, leave me a comment and tell me which one you want! You have til Saturday at midnight to enter.

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ETA: I just checked my email and A (LD's mom) sent me over a message titled 'Baby Pictures'. I couldn't look at them or delete them. I just froze.

The Survivor Project- Please Say You'll Contribute!

I have decided I am making my grandmother a "Survivor" scrapbook.

One of the ideas I had was to have YOU -my fellow blog buddies- contribute to the book. I have been so touched by the kind words left on this blog in the comment section for my grandma. The prayers, the good thoughts, the crossing of fingers, lighting of candles, chanting, etc. that has been done on behalf of my her.

I am going to try to capture her journey through cancer, from her diagnosis and into survivor-dom. I want to do a page of good thoughts and inspiring words. On the last page there will be an envelope in which it will be stuffed with cards, notes, pictures, whatever you want to send. Can you picture it?

Please say you'll help me and contribute to this book. It'll cost you as little as 42 cents and a moment of your time. But the reward will be so much richer.

**All you have to do is mail me a letter, a card, a colored picture, a sentence, a photo, whatever you want....wishing her well, offering her words of encouragement, letting her know that you care and support her. I know this would mean so much to her. Heck, it would mean so much to me! **

EMAIL ME if you're interested in being a contributor to the Survivor Project (catchy, huh?) I'll email you my address and you can send me your contribution. If you wish to remain anonymous, at least include in the card or letter, where you are sending your thoughts from. I know she'd be so touched to know that her story has inspired so many people from all over the place. If you'd like to help, I do ask that you send in your "envelope of hope" within the next two weeks, so I can get started.

Any contribution will be greatly appreciated. Please don't feel that you have to write a story in order for your words to count (although if you want to write a novel, go ahead). A few words- "Good job kicking cancer's ass!", "Keep the hope!" whatever you feel in your heart will be more than enough... And if you're one of those people that thinks your vote doesn't count- guess again. I need you all for this to be successful.

I promise if you'll help, I'll be your BFF! If there's anything you need ME to do for you, just ask. I'll be sure to post pictures when it's all complete!

Thank you in advance for your generosity,
MonicaETA: I've had a couple people email me to ask me about my grandmother's name. Her name is Diana. Thank you!

It's Complicated

And no I'm not talking about this lovely bit of reality TV.

I'm talking about my grandma and her surgery last week. I spoke to her on Friday and she was in a great mood and feeling fine. She was laughing and watching I Love Lucy reruns while I was talking to her on the phone. It was so good to hear her laugh. It's been a long time since I've heard that. A long time since it was sincere.

She slept most of the day Saturday and was not feeling well, but never said anything to anyone. She started to run a fever (102) and her breast started to hurt and swell. In the wee hours of the night she started to call for help because she just couldn't hide her pain anymore. My aunt called her doctor (who is out of the country) and was referred to a different doctor who took off for the weekend to Mexico. She ended up getting a different doctor (who apparently was HOT!) to care for her.

He ran tests to check for infection. Put her on antibiotics and admitted her to the hospital for two nights. She should be going home tomorrow depending on her progress. When they inserted the drainage tube last week, they put in a smaller gauge tube than her previous surgery. They didn't expect much fluid to drain from her incision so they put in a smaller tube. Well what happens when she lays down is the fluid doesn't drain at a steady pace and when she gets up it drains but clots. (it's kind of like when you're on your period and you go to sleep. When you get up in the morning, it all wants to come out all at once). Except, the fluid and blood solidifies into tiny, sometimes stringy beads. You have to squeeze them out and work them down the tube into the vessel. We think this has happened. And the fluid is not draining out of her body, resulting in swelling. Retained fluid resulting in infection and infection resulting in an overnight stay at the hospital an hour away from home.

I've called her a couple times and she was asleep. I spoke to my grandfather (who never really says much and always forgets to pass on messages) about my grandma and he said he'd call later to update me. He didn't, so I don't know anything more. I just hope and pray that she gets better. This is way too much for anyone to deal with. God, I hate cancer.

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While you're here, please visit Erica. She is a mother of two young boys who got into a minor car accident earlier in the year. She was going to physical therapy and was having constant headaches. Her doctors discovered she had cancer at the base of her skull. Soon after, they did surgery on her brain, neck and spine. She still doesn't have feeling on her left side of her body. She is in pain constantly and can't take care of and play with her children like she'd like to. She never complains about anything, but I know it must be so hard. Please pray the cancer is all gone (she has an appt. on Wednesday). Just stop by to give her a few words of encouragement. Have I mentioned I hate cancer?

Also visit JGirl. She lost a son last year at 16 weeks (?). She got pregnant earlier this year and had an early miscarriage. She is pregnant again at just over 11 weeks. She had an emergency u/s today because she was bleeding and they think he has a subchorionic hemorrhage. Please visit her and offer her some supportive words. She could sure use some friends and your prayers right now.

Sometimes when you feel like you have no control, always remember there's still hope. I hope.

The 3rd on the 2nd

Today was my grandmother's 3rd surgery.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, she had a lot of dead tissue and wasn't healing properly. She was in pain and was having to constantly nurse her open wound.

When she had the first surgery (lumpectomy) in February, the breast tissue was "weak" so they had to use filler tissue called fascia. I believe it's lab grown tissue, but I'm not completely positive. They stitched the fascia into her other tissue hoping it would grow into one cohesive mass. It did.

In April (mastectomy) they placed an expander in her breast. The idea was for the breast/incision to heal, then they would expand the breast over a years amount of time into the size she desired or until it matched the other breast. It's been 5 months since her first surgery and 3 months since the last. And she still has an open non-healing wound! Until today...

The surgeon wanted to close her wound, so she went back in for a minor surgery today. They removed the dead/damaged tissue and closed the wound. When they were in there, they realized the expander was growing into the fascia and that's what was causing her pain. They had to remove the expander altogether.

She is currently at home and recovering, yet again. I was worried that she would be upset about not having the expander in. She was really upset (and understandably so) about not having her breast. The expander was the only thing that was keeping her sane because she knew at the end of all this, she would have a breast again. Without the expander there, she can't do that.

She has the option of placing the expander back in after she has totally healed from today's surgery. But that means ANOTHER surgery and I don't know if she's up for that.

I'm just glad that she's okay. That she's still alive.

Too Much

I've had a lot on my mind lately and haven't felt like really writing about any of it. Some of it is the same ol' stuff- just more of it, and some of it is just morbid and I'm afraid to talk about it.

It's all too much to deal with at times and I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to return when the storm has passed and the rainbow fills the sky. I know, we all know, this won't happen.

* Mr. H and I have talked about returning to therapy. We went weekly for 4 consecutive months last year after Jack died. It helped, but then my insurance ran out and we were having to pay out of pocket so we stopped going. But we attended 2- 6 week support groups with a different grief counselor that seemed to do some good. We've been trying to work things out on our own, but it's not working. We're surviving, but we're getting no where. Mr. H has an appt. tomorrow to try to help him work out his grief so we can try again. I am so proud of him.

* I moved the sonogram picture further to the right of the fridge so it's not so in my face. It helps a bit. Rachel suggested I turn it over while I'm there, but I can't do that. She works from home and walks to the fridge, she'd notice it was turned over. I can't ask her to allow me to turn it over and I can't ask her to take it down. If someone asked me to do that, I would be devastated. Yes, she knows my circumstance, but I can't ask her to do that. It would be great if she offered, but that's not gonna happen. So I'm trying to be okay with it pushed to the right side of the fridge.

* LD's mom (as mentioned above) came in the living room rubbing her belly the other day. I tried to avoid looking at her, but I could still see out of the corner of my eye. She was complaining that she's getting "so big" and her clothes aren't fitting her anymore. Let's call the whambulance! I keep suggesting she put a robe on so I don't have to see her (and because she's cold all the time) but she's not going for it. I might just buy her a robe- a big one. Almost tent-like.

* My FIL was recently diagnosed with d.ementia. His father had alz.heimers, and his mother also has d.ementia and is in a nursing home. My MIL is really scared. She has known about his deteriorating condition for some time now, but like all of us, denial reigns. She avoided having him tested until a couple weeks ago. He had an MRI and a cognitive test done- both of which didn't look so good. He forgets things. Things he just did or said less than 5 minutes ago. He'll open a piece of mail and read it entirely and swear he's never seen it before. He may appear to be the same person. He still has a wise-ass sense of humor. He looks and acts the same, but his mind is deteriorating. There is medication he can take to slow the deterioration process down, but there's no guarantee it will work. My MIL, a very strong woman, emotionally and mentally, is realizing her future and she's devastated. She called me crying yesterday- something she's never done before in the 9 1/2 years I've known her.

* I spoke to my grandma yesterday for a split second. Not much was discussed, but I heard from her again today. Still she said nothing. My aunt called me to fill me in. She has l.ymphed.ema. This is not good. Because she is a smoker and a d.iabetic, she is healing at a much slooower pace. She had surgery April 1st. Her scar is very gnarly. She has excess tissue that is bumpy and puckered. It's not smooth and flat. She went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and the doctor (plastic surgeon) cut away the excess dead tissue that was forming on her breast as well as removed the drainage tube. She has been bandaging her breast 3x daily, because she's still leaking fluid. This is not abnormal. Because she smokes and has done so for 50 years! and because she's d.iabetic her wounds and illness take forever to heal. That means that she still has an open wound. According to my aunt, you can see straight into her breast. The doc has given her one month to stop smoking and is better monitoring her blood sugar. I don't know what will come of this. I don't know what the next step for her is. But I do know there isn't any infection and the doc is taking care of her. On the upside, she doesn't have to do c.hemo or r.aditation.

* Back in November, Mr. H went to a u.rologist for some pain he was experiencing...this was the doctor's office that belonged back in the 1960's (for which I did go back to to take pics- you knew I would!)... Anyway, was still having pain, and went back to this doctor who did an ultrasound and ran labs and prescribed him some antibiotics. They didn't find anything abnormal, and the antibiotics seemed to help. Except he doesn't have chronic pain- he doesn't hurt at any specific time- it's random. So we don't know that the antibiotics really contributed to anything. Well all these months later, he's still having some pain. So we're going to get a second opinion tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully he can offer us some helpful insight as to why he is in pain or maybe even "fix" him. Hey, there's a thought.

Okay, I'm done. Not really, I still have a lot on my chest but I don't feel like I can share- not here anyway. I may talk about it in the future and I may not, but at least I lifted the weight.

Recovery

I came home last night to an immaculate house. Mr. H missed me and worked his butt off this week to make things perfect for me. He bought a hammock stand for the hammock we got over Christmas and put it together. He hung up a rack we got from I.kea for our laundry room. He vacuumed three times, dusted, mopped, gave Autumn a bath, washed the sheets, did several loads of laundry, mowed the lawn and detailed my car inside and out. Everything is spotless and it makes me so happy to know that he did it all for me. Thank you honey so very much. On top of all that, he bought me a laptop! Am I spoiled or what? I asked for one for Christmas, but didn't get one. I figured we'd get one in the future, so I was absolutely surprised to come home to one. I love it- and I'm typing on it right now!

My grandma's surgery went well- kind of. She actually had to have two surgeries. She went in on Tuesday morning and had the mastectomy. Everything went well and she was out of surgery by 10:30 am. She went to recovery and then to her room. She opted to do reconstruction on her breast. This means that they had to completely remove her breast, nipple, and a few lymph nodes. This turned out to be a blessing because the pathology report stated that there was another cluster of cancerous cells in her breast that they missed. Had they done another lumpectomy, she would still have cancer. I am pleased to announce that she is cancer free!!!!! Back to the reconstruction, after they removed this breast tissue, they had to scrape the muscle off her ribs. Then they placed an expander under the muscle. The expander will be filled with fluid every two weeks until the breast is the desired size. This process could take up to a year. It will slowly stretch out the skin so the expander can be removed and the implant can be placed. They will then reconstruct the remaining breast so it matches the new one. I asked if she would have a nipple and they said that they would gather the excess skin to form a nipple, then they would tattoo on an areola to match the other. How cool is that? My grandma is going to have a tattoo! That's bad ass!

They placed a drainage tube under the muscle to drain any excess blood and fluids. She was filling up her "grenade" (a plastic holding container that holds approximately 4 oz.) every hour. The doctor was concerned with the amount of fluid that was draining out of her. She examined her at about 5pm and noticed that her chest was swollen and was bleeding internally. They took her back into surgery at about 9:30pm and she didn't come out of recovery until about 1:30am Wednesday morning. They didn't find what was causing her to bleed, but they removed the excess blood and stitched her back up. She stayed in the hospital until Friday at noon. She's now filling up her grenade about one and a half times a day, which is great. The amount of fluid will decrease daily until the tube is removed after 10 days. She's okay physically, as she is on pain killers and muscle relaxants every 4-6 hours, but emotionally she is a mess. She is distraught over her appearance and cries every time she is awake. The medication has her sleeping about 16 hours a day, and when she wakes up, she's just sad. I so wish I could take away her pain and sadness. I know one day she will be okay, but it will take time, and even then she will never be the same. It's times like this, I wish I could speed up the clock.

I'm glad I'm home, but I wish I could still be with her to take care and comfort her. Thanks everyone for all your support and well wishes. My grandma and I appreciate them more than you know.

Public Service Announcement

I'm going to be with my Grandma for her surgery tomorrow. She is having a mastectomy and reconstruction on her right breast. She visited us over Easter and she said, "This is the last time my boob will ever be here in this town", then she got sad. I did that too. I remember every little thing or place I could link the boys to, I did. "I remember driving here, when I was pregnant. The last time I ate such and such I was pregnant. When we did this, I was pregnant." and the list went on. It's been a year and a half since Sam passed away, and I still find myself doing that from time to time. So, I understand her grief. It's just sad to me that she is experiencing this type of grief before she has even experienced the actual physical loss. But I get it. Like us, she's already lost her innocence. I guess it would be like us knowing we were going to lose our babies, but we just had to wait it out. She has said to me many times over the past few weeks that it has been so stressful and exhausting for her. In many ways, it's only beginning, but in some it's over. I hope to never write about cancer again. If the two topics are ever mentioned in unison, I hope it's to say that "My Grandma beat cancer!"

(.)(.) - Save your boobies!

Get a mammogram, and give one too!

Rosey Cheeks

For the last couple weeks, my skin has been terrible! I have the occasional breakout, but it has been yucky everyday for 2 weeks now. So I made a doctor appt. with a dermatologist to see what was going on. The breakout seemed to spread from my face to neck to my chest. I didn't change any products, I didn't use anything differently, I didn't start a new bottle of anything (thinking the formula changed). I didn't do anything different, so I didn't understand why my skin was acting up. It was kind of embarrassing and I was a little self-conscience so I decided to take action.

Mr. H printed out a list of recommended docs in my insurance network and I just left it on the desk for about a week. Then after that, I said I was going to make an appt, so I stuck it in my purse in which it remained for another couple days. When I searched the list, I noticed there was a doctor named Robert Jackson!!! It was a sign, so I made an appt right away. I went to see him this morning and he says I have r.osacea- bleh! So he wrote me a scrip for a $135 tube of cream- that's crazy talk. Insurance covered a portion of it, but it still came out to over $100. Mr. H asked why they called it r.osacea and not "Rosey cheeks" I thought that was funny. Rosey cheeks sounds so much more pleasant doesn't it?

Anyway, when we were leaving the pharmacy parking lot after picking up my meds, my car decided it was going to act a fool and it started making this nasty grinding noise which Mr. H thinks is the torque converter. Don't know what that is? Me neither, but it costs about $400 plus labor! So we headed home instead of to my mom's house for dinner and switched cars. We have 3 cars, but I can only drive one since I don't drive a stick. So that meant that Mr. H was going to have to drive me around everywhere while my car was getting fixed or I was going to have to borrow a car. So I am now pimpin' out my MIL's Caddy (and I secretly love it!) but I do miss my car already.

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Easter wasn't so bad after all, but it still wasn't as great as we all wished it could be. My Grandma came in to town to visit for the weekend. Her mastectomy and reconstruction surgery are scheduled for April 2nd. She needed to get away so she and my Grandpa took a road trip. It's been nice to have her here even though I have been so busy and haven't been able to spend as much time with her as I would like. She leaves for home on Wednesday, then I will fly up to see her next Monday. I'm hoping that this will be her last surgery and she will be cancer free. I can't take the stress of it, and I can only imagine how she feels everyday.

It's been interesting though because the loss she feels towards her breast and the disease she has makes us grieve in very similar ways. We've been able to connect on a different level than others because the loss of my boys and the loss of part of her body are relatively similar- emotionally. People have said stupid shit to her as they did me, like "You'll have another one" or "At least you had it for as long as you did" or "It was meant to be". All bullshit, I tell ya. She fears death and a loss of hope as have I. She feels no one can relate as much as they try, as did I. All the commonalities have really caught me off guard, because I never thought that a loss of a baby would at all relate to a woman with breast cancer. But it just goes to show that no matter what your hardship, grief is still the common factor.

Failed Attempt

My Grandmothers' surgery went well. She has a one inch horizontal scar on her right breast. They removed a chunk of tissue about the size of a small orange or tangerine (40 grams). The cancer was encapsulated in her milk duct. I was not aware that she had a small mound (1/2 cm) outside the milk duct in her breast tissue. The doctor cut around the cancer in attempts to retrieve it all. He sent the cancerous breast tissue to pathology to have the outer edges tested for cancer. If they came back clean, then that means she is cancer free. If the outer edges came back with cancer cells present, then that means it has spread further into her breast.

Well, you guessed it. She still has cancer. Her nurse called to tell us the news and said the pathology results indicated that her breast tissue looked like someone has "sprinkled" her breast with cancer using a salt shaker. These speckles were not picked up by the mammogram she had.

She has two options. She can have another surgery in attempts to remove the remaining cancerous cells, and have radiation. If they don't remove it all, then they'll have to operate again (!) Or she can have a mastectomy and not have to undergo radiation at all. She has the option of reconstructing her breast at the same time as the mastectomy. She is concerned because she is diabetic, that her recovery time will be a lot longer and she's more at risk for infection. Also, when they reconstruct her breast they have to remove tissue and fat from her hips/thighs. That's another surgery she'll have to recover from.

Right now she is leaning towards a mastectomy without reconstruction. I think this is the route I would take if I were in her shoes. She is feeling loss and sadness towards her breast. She feels inadequate and thinks others will view her in the same way. She's afraid of feeling ugly, not sexy, not feminine, different. She kept saying that her breasts as droopy as they were (her words not mine) were hers for 65 years and they nourished her children. She feels like because she will have one less breast she will not be the same person.

I do not know what it feels like to be in her position. I can not pretend like I do. But I do know that I would rather have her around with one less breast for several more years, than to not have her at all. Her life is more important than what she looks like. The surgery date is not yet scheduled, but her nurse thinks it will be taken care of by the end of the month. I ask you all, if you believe in the power of prayer, to pray for my grandmother. Pray that the next surgery is successful and ALL the cancer is removed from her body. Pray for healing, health, emotional well being. Pray for a cure so your mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, daughter or friend doesn't have to go through this.

Deja Vu

This seems all too familiar. I feel like I've been here before. Writing about this exact same topic. Using the same words. Oh, wait I have been here. Silly me.

I am leaving today to go see my grandmother. Only this time I am flying for only 2 hours instead of driving for 9- woohoo! Not that I actually did any of the driving on the last trip and it's not as if I could if I wanted to. I'm pretty sure I'd get lost and it would take me two days to find my way there missing the whole surgery- which is the purpose of this trip. We're all better off with me flying, I think. In less than 24 hours she will be cancer free. I am so excited and proud of/for her. She fought and she's a winner. I know her battle was not as long and difficult as others, but like the snow, it doesn't matter how you get it or how long you have it. I got her a book and I went to the hobby shop to get some pink ribbon for us to wear for her during her lumpectomy. I got her a turquoise kokopelli, which is a native American symbol of strength, protection (and fertility for those of us who need it). I packed my recipe for chicken and dumplins' and chocolate chip cookies and I'm ready to go.

I'll update if/when I can. The only computer I know of is at the public library, so I'll see if I can manage to sneak away for a bit sometime this week. Or like I said I may have Mr. H post an update for me if he's up to it.

One last thing before I go, because it's funny and a link to the recipe for Coconut Shrimp I promised you last week :-) Have a good week everyone and don't miss me too much (Honey, I'm taking to you- ILY)!
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Monica: peeling and deveining the shrimp we got from the farmer's market last weekend.

Aaron: "What are you doing?"

Monica: "Deveining the shrimp"

Aaron: (just watching)

Monica: "You know that's not really a 'vein' don't you?"

Aaron: "What is it?"

Monica: "It's the intestinal tract. All the yucky stuff the shrimp eats"

Aaron: "Oh, the poop"

Monica: "Well yeah kinda." (Still cleaning several shrimp later...I came across a shrimp with a HUGE 'vein'/ a lot of poop)

Aaron: "Whoa, that one must have been constipated like me!"

Monica: ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

She's Gone

M.arie A.dams passed away this morning on January 15, at 9:06 a.m. in her home after 14 months of battling cancer. She was sleeping peacefully with her husband Jimmy, 3 children and grandchildren by her side. Please take a quick moment of silence and say a brief prayer for her family as they are missing her.
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I sit here typing with tears rolling down my face all the way to my chest. My head is pounding. I miss her and I am angry for what she had to go through. I am angry that she was in pain, and even though she is no longer suffering, her family is. I am angry that her family has to live without her. She didn't deserve this. She was a wonderful woman. She was caring. We were blessed because we knew her. I don't understand... and maybe I never will.

I had been thinking about her and wanting to send a card. I never did. I don't beat myself up for it, but I regret not doing it. I was hesitant to send it because I didn't think anything I could have said would have made a difference. I also kept thinking that if I sent it, they would receive it after she passed, and that would only make things harder. I hope she knew we were thinking of her. There are so many things I would have said to her, so maybe now I will.


Dear Marie,

I've been thinking about you lately. I 'm sorry that we weren't there with you in person, but we were with you in spirit. I'm glad your children were by your side and you were able to spend a little time with them.

From the very beginning, you accepted me. I was never a visitor, or Mr. H's girlfriend, I was family. I remember coming to your home and sitting on the front porch looking out into the field. We would all sit together and eat, and drink cold iced tea. You always spent the entire day cooking and preparing dishes in the kitchen for everyone to feast on. My favorite was your pumpkin roll. I've dreamed about that pumpkin roll and it's creamy filling :) I attempted to make one for Thanksgiving, but it wasn't nearly as good as yours. Everything was wonderful. There was tradition and love in everything you laid your hands on. We'd talk A LOT! and catch up on each other's lives. We didn't do it nearly enough, but I looked forward to the family reunions when we'd see each other.

I was so grateful and blessed to have been a part of your anniversary celebration. I wouldn't have traded that experience for the world. You were embarrassed and self conscience of the way you looked because you didn't have any hair. You were beautiful to me. You had a difficult time walking down the aisle, but you did it. I was impressed by your strength and will power. Your love as husband and wife continues to amaze me. Your dedication to one another was truly inspirational and I aspire to live up to that. I know you fought with all of your might, and as far as I'm concerned, you were a winner. You showed me that no matter what life hands you, you should fight. You were and always will be an example of courage to me.

I miss you already. I know that feeling of sadness will fade over time, but I will always remember you and your beauty. I'm glad you've found your way home and I bet you're loving Heaven. Please give a hug to my boys from me. I miss them so incredibly much. I feel a sense of relief because you are now with them and I know that you will care for them as I would. Know that I am blessed because I knew you.


Until we meet again,

Monica

Hurdles

My grandma had her NST done last Thursday to make sure her heart was able to handle the stress of the upcoming surgery. She got winded on the treadmill in the incline position, so they stopped the test and monitored her. The cardiologist thinks there's a blockage in her arteries leading up to her heart. He wants to place a stint to keep the arteries "open" and clear. It's a day surgery and they would be done this Thursday! Holy moly, that's a lot to take in. I can't imagine the stress she's in. She and I worry. That's what we do, so I know even though she's trying to act cool, she's panicking inside.

As far as I know, the surgery to remove the cancer is still scheduled for Tuesday, the 22nd. My grandpa got sick right after Christmas and he was being really careful not to get her sick, but it happened. She's been sick for over a week and the doctors offices are so busy they won't see her. She made an appointment with the doc to get a prescription for some antibiotics, but they won't see her until the 21st. That's ludicrous! They are going to try to squeeze her in tomorrow (sometime), but if she's not well by the 22nd, she'll have to postpone the surgery. She went to the doctor today to get the results. Afterwards she went shopping. She said that made her feel better. She's just been so tired lately, with being sick and having to travel an hour each way to see the doctor. I know it's only going to get worse when she starts radiation. I know I said she would be doing chemo a few posts back, but she misunderstood. It's radiation for sure, which is a blessing in itself.

I wish I could be there with her every step of the way. Since I can't, I ask that you all keep her in your prayers. I will be praying endlessly. Not for a miracle, but for good health and quick healing.

A Real Post With Words

It's been mostly picture posts lately because I haven't had much to write about. I don't really have anything to say tonight, but I'll give it a shot because I'm feeling a little blogger guilt.

AF came to visit and the bitch won't leave. She's over stayed her welcome and I'm trying to evict her, but it ain't working! Does anyone have any suggestions- she's getting on my nerves?

Today was a long day. Mr. H and I went to my in-laws house to do some work. Well actually Mr. H did all the work, and I went shopping. My MIL and I went to an antique shop to find an old mirror to hang in their bathroom. At the moment it is being remodeled, and it's all torn apart. We found exactly what she was looking for, so that's good. She can be such a pain in the ass sometimes (and annoying). But isn't that what MIL's are for? She was looking for something "rectilinear" (her word not mine), and "masculine". Something with "curve" and "body". And it had to be real wood. Does anybody reading this know what the hell she is talking about? Yeah, me neither. And she was getting on the shop owners nerves too. He would point something out and she would start talking about recta- something or another. But we found a mirror, and like I said that's a good thing!

After that, I picked up Aaron around 4pm and we went to go paint ceramics. I gave him and my two other cousins (ages 15 and 9) a gift certificate for Christmas. My aunt came along too and we had a good time. BTW, if you ever want to talk yourself out of having children, then go to a ceramic shop with 3 tweens! We had a good time though. The two cousins painted beer steins (ha!) and Aaron painted a football helmet with card symbols (hearts, diamonds, spades etc) and a couple crosses, his name and a longhorn! That one should be interesting. He kept saying afterwards that he had such a great time (like 5 times)- and I'm glad. I'll post pics when we get them back. I have to go back in a couple days, because I didn't complete my project. Mr. H said he'd go with me next time and paint something, but I think he was just in a good mood when he said that.

We have found (hopefully) new life insurance through A1G. We had life insurance that we got about a year ago, but the company (Amer1pr1se) screwed us over and we are having to search again. Insurance can be such an ordeal! We have our medical exams scheduled for tomorrow morning. Hopefully we will get everything worked out and we won't have to deal with that anymore. Then we're going to Costco- woohoo! Let's see how fast we can spend $200.

I have an appointment scheduled for January 17th with the fertility clinic to discuss freezing embryos and such. I have waited a while for this appointment but I don't know if I really want to keep it. I got mad at Mr. H last month because I felt like he was deceiving me. We have since talked about it (not really in depth, but we've talked) and he says he was not wanting to freeze embryos to delay having children. He wants to do it as a back up plan. I originally thought that's what I wanted too, but I'm starting to change my mind for a couple of reasons. 1) I want to carry my baby, and if I can't then I don't know if I want someone else to either. I'm a jealous person, remember? 2) It's so expensive! and in the end, I'm not really guaranteed a baby. What if the baby were to die, or the surrogate were in a car wreck? What if there were complications with my egg or sperm, and it's not just my body and we pay the tens of thousands of dollars? We're not gonna get it back. We're basically paying for the experience (an experience I can't really experience- does that make sense?) Adoption is starting to look better to me. 1) It's a little less expensive, but in the end we WILL have a baby. The old saying "You get what you pay for" really is true in this situation. It's not as if there is a shortage of babies without homes out there. 2) I was really against adoption at first (well not really against it, but it wasn't my first option), but the more I think about it the more I like it. Of course, I'd rather bear my own children, but if I can't then adoption is fine with me. I thought that the baby wouldn't feel like mine, or that I wouldn't love him/her like Sam or Jack, but I really feel that there is a baby out there that is meant to be ours. That will call us Mama and Dada. I know this baby is out there. It may be born from my own body and maybe not, but it's waiting for us.

My Grandma has a surgery date scheduled for the 22nd of this month. She was supposed to meet with the cardiologist on Monday to get the go-ahead to have the surgery, but things didn't work out so well. She's diabetic and they told her to fast for the morning of her appointment. Her appt. was at 1:15, but they were running 3 people behind. By 2pm, she still hadn't been seen and she was hungry and thirsty. Her blood sugar was out of whack, so she rescheduled for Thursday (tomorrow) morning at 8am. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and the cancer will be removed on the 22nd as planned. I was wanting to go up there to be with her, but I'm not sure how things will work out. Mr. H's 2nd cousin (the one with cancer) has been put on Hospice care. She went to the ER last week, because she was vomiting uncontrollably and they sent her home. They pretty much said it was only a matter of time, and that they could not do anything for her. That was a real wake up call. Her body is no longer responding to chemo and they really don't expect her to live to the end of the month. She lives in the same vicinity as my grandmother. Mr. H, my in-laws and I were going to drive (9 hours) to see her before she passed away. We don't really know when that will be. Heck, it could be tomorrow. Either way, I don't want to have to make two separate trips up there within a week of each other. I'm hoping I can fly in for my grandmother's surgery and just meet my in-laws later in the week. I'm not sure how it will all work out, but I'm sure it will. I hate that I am having to make this trip knowing that one of the visits is going to be for a funeral. It makes me sick and I hurt for her family. Since she is confined to a hospital bed, her husband went out to buy a twin bed so he could sleep next to his wife in bed. I can't imagine waking up one day and my soul mate not being there. I just can't ...

Well I guess that's it for now. But I will leave you with a nice picture of my boo-boo. I was messing with the paper shredder the other day because the damn thing wouldn't shred. One of the shredder blades got bent and paper was getting clogged in it. I didn't want to unplug the thing because I was going to have to keep plugging it in to check to see if it was working. I flipped the thing over and started jamming the scissors, the pen, the pen cap, anything that was small enough to fit in between the blades. Then I hurt myself. Not on the blades, or the scissors but when I put the stupid thing down! Those things are heavy and it slipped as I was putting back over the trash receptacle and "skinned" my ring finger. It hurt, but I thought I just rubbed it. I looked down and blood started to well up and my skin had rubbed off and was just sitting there. It was kinda cool and gross at the same time (so I took a picture, of course) Mr. H said I was crazy. "You could be bleeding to death, but you have to stop a take a picture. Put the camera down!" Yeah, maybe so, but I fixed the shredder!

Cancer Sucks

My grandma has cancer.

She was officially diagnosed yesterday (Friday 14th) after her biopsy on Wednesday. She is really upset as expected and so am I. I really thought and believed that she would be okay and she still may be "okay" but I hate that she has to go through this. I HATE IT.

She has another appointment at the first of the year, then they will schedule a surgery date to remove the cancerous mound. She will then undergo chemotherapy 5 days a week for 6 weeks. The good news is that the cancer is located in her milk duct and not in her breast tissue. The doctor described it as "ink inside of a ballpoint pen". Since it is fully encapsulated, it will not spread throughout the remainder of her breast. He also said that there is only a 10% chance of the cancer returning once it is removed. So for that I am hopeful that *this* will not take her down.

She is a strong woman and I know that she will get through this. I'm praying that she will become stronger than any cancer out there and I ask that you all do the same.

I Need Your Prayers

Calling All Readers !

I just spoke to my Grandma on the phone. A couple weeks ago she had a mammogram done. She has never had one done before because she has never been able to afford it. Since she is 65 and is on Medicare, she made an appointment. She got her results back on Friday and they found calcium deposits in her right breast. Calcium deposits can be an early sign of breast cancer. 80% of all cases are non cancerous, but that still leaves 20% and that's a lot when you consider how many millions of women there are in this world.

Please, please, please stop what you are doing right now and say a quick prayer for my grandmother. She is the world to me and raised me as a little girl. She is my strength and without her, I would be lost. Pray that the deposits are benign and she WILL be healthy. I need her and we need your prayers.

Thank you.

Life and Death

I have a few things to talk about and some complaining to do (what else is new?) but we'll start off on a good note.

This is a bloom from our Bradford Pear tree we planted in honor of Sam and Jack in April over Arbor Day weekend. We chose a pear because of the beautiful white blooms, even though it doesn't bear fruit. I have been worried about it, because it's still a young tree and we have such rocky soil in our neighborhood, but it is still thriving in October. Mr. H spotted the first bloom a couple of weeks ago. Isn't it simply beautiful?


Okay, my in-laws and Mr. H went to a green building seminar this weekend. They are custom home builders, so it was beneficial to them to learn something new by saving energy and the environment. After the 8 hour class at the Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center, they came back to our house. I don't mind when they come over, but I feel like the house is never clean enough, or it's too cold (75 degrees) or something. They always find something to pick at and it drives me nuts. They came over and my MIL fell asleep on the couch, so my FIL paced around the house (I don't know why). We have more than one place to sit, but he didn't sit. Instead, he made comments on our dirty toilet (I didn't clean the master because I didn't think they would be using that toilet. I only cleaned the guest bathroom), the smudges on our back door, he wiped crumbs off our counter tops and opened the fridge a few times, then adjusted the thermostat after putting his jacket on. "Sit down!", is all I wanted to say to him. Then when my MIL woke up she says, "Do you want your plant to die?" I asked her which plant she was referring to and she said "The ivy dying in the kitchen." Ugh!!! They drive me nuts. I know this plant needs to be replanted, but I haven't done it, because I don't have a pot to replant it in and I keep forgetting to get one. It looks sad and I know that but when I tried to tell her that I am going to replant it, she said "Well some water would help in the meantime." I have watered it, but their isn't enough soil in the over sized plastic container it is in to make a difference. It doesn't have a drainage hole and it collects too much water and gets soggy. (It was a gift given to us when Jack died that had about 6 different plants thrown together in one pot. I replanted the others and ran out of pots.) Every time she comes over she not-so slyly sticks her bony finger in my plants to check to see if they're watered. I know she does this and I've called her out on it and she makes a joke out of it. I don't think it's funny. I do not have a green thumb, but I am trying to do the best I can and she makes me want to kill them just so I can get her off my back. When I know they are coming over and I don't have time to properly water and drain them, I'll pour a glass of water in the pots, just so they won't be dry. She then says I am over watering. I can't win.

On another note, my step dad's mother passed away last Thursday (10/25) from cancer. She has been fighting this battle for a while and now she is no longer suffering. She had cancer of the perineum (that band of skin between your vagina and your anus). They did two surgeries to remove the tumor, but they couldn't get it all out. They removed much of her tissue 'down there' leaving a void and had to give her a colostomy to use the bathroom. The cancer spread to her kidneys, liver, lungs, then into her throat. As of last Tuesday (10/16) she wasn't able to swallow anymore, so on top of being in pain, she was hungry and thirsty too. They could have given her an IV or feeding tube, but that would have only prolonged the agony. Hospice was there by her side to try to make her as comfortable as possible. Despite the constant morphine being given to her every 15 minutes, she was still hurting. I am so glad she is not suffering anymore. I can't even begin to imagine what she went through. The funeral was this morning and many friends and family were present to show their love and support.

Carolina L. Garza

Ocober 23, 1921-October 25, 2007

A 40th Anniversary Gift

It seems lately I can't do anything on my own, so I'm calling out for help again.

We are invited to attend a 40th wedding anniversary next month, where the happy couple will renew their vows to each other. They are my MIL's cousin and his wife. I don't know how exactly they are related to me, but they are really great and very special people. He is the chief of police and she is a stay at home mom. All their children are grown up now and she and her husband take care of each other.

This event we are attending is also an early celebration of Thanksgiving and Christmas. She was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer that has taken over a large part of her body last August and they don't expect her to make it to the end of the year. We are all praying and remaining optimistic that she does, but just in case she doesn't, she will get to enjoy the holidays just as well.

She receives chemo every week and spends a great deal of her time in the hospital in pain. He does his best to show her she is loved and that he is there for her. She is a sweet, thoughtful lady who takes care of others around her, prepares all the meals for family gatherings, and loves her children and grandchildren immensely. He is a generous, kind hearted man that will do anything for anyone. They are givers.

My in-laws and Mr. H and I are flying up to see them next month. We have a couple ideas for gifts for them, but we don't want to give them something sad or impractical. No dust collectors either. I'm drawing a blank. Since we are flying, if it's not packable, we would have to ship it in advance. Has anyone been in this situation before? All suggestions would be helpful. Thanks.