"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Wednesday, January 9, 2008

A Real Post With Words

It's been mostly picture posts lately because I haven't had much to write about. I don't really have anything to say tonight, but I'll give it a shot because I'm feeling a little blogger guilt.

AF came to visit and the bitch won't leave. She's over stayed her welcome and I'm trying to evict her, but it ain't working! Does anyone have any suggestions- she's getting on my nerves?

Today was a long day. Mr. H and I went to my in-laws house to do some work. Well actually Mr. H did all the work, and I went shopping. My MIL and I went to an antique shop to find an old mirror to hang in their bathroom. At the moment it is being remodeled, and it's all torn apart. We found exactly what she was looking for, so that's good. She can be such a pain in the ass sometimes (and annoying). But isn't that what MIL's are for? She was looking for something "rectilinear" (her word not mine), and "masculine". Something with "curve" and "body". And it had to be real wood. Does anybody reading this know what the hell she is talking about? Yeah, me neither. And she was getting on the shop owners nerves too. He would point something out and she would start talking about recta- something or another. But we found a mirror, and like I said that's a good thing!

After that, I picked up Aaron around 4pm and we went to go paint ceramics. I gave him and my two other cousins (ages 15 and 9) a gift certificate for Christmas. My aunt came along too and we had a good time. BTW, if you ever want to talk yourself out of having children, then go to a ceramic shop with 3 tweens! We had a good time though. The two cousins painted beer steins (ha!) and Aaron painted a football helmet with card symbols (hearts, diamonds, spades etc) and a couple crosses, his name and a longhorn! That one should be interesting. He kept saying afterwards that he had such a great time (like 5 times)- and I'm glad. I'll post pics when we get them back. I have to go back in a couple days, because I didn't complete my project. Mr. H said he'd go with me next time and paint something, but I think he was just in a good mood when he said that.

We have found (hopefully) new life insurance through A1G. We had life insurance that we got about a year ago, but the company (Amer1pr1se) screwed us over and we are having to search again. Insurance can be such an ordeal! We have our medical exams scheduled for tomorrow morning. Hopefully we will get everything worked out and we won't have to deal with that anymore. Then we're going to Costco- woohoo! Let's see how fast we can spend $200.

I have an appointment scheduled for January 17th with the fertility clinic to discuss freezing embryos and such. I have waited a while for this appointment but I don't know if I really want to keep it. I got mad at Mr. H last month because I felt like he was deceiving me. We have since talked about it (not really in depth, but we've talked) and he says he was not wanting to freeze embryos to delay having children. He wants to do it as a back up plan. I originally thought that's what I wanted too, but I'm starting to change my mind for a couple of reasons. 1) I want to carry my baby, and if I can't then I don't know if I want someone else to either. I'm a jealous person, remember? 2) It's so expensive! and in the end, I'm not really guaranteed a baby. What if the baby were to die, or the surrogate were in a car wreck? What if there were complications with my egg or sperm, and it's not just my body and we pay the tens of thousands of dollars? We're not gonna get it back. We're basically paying for the experience (an experience I can't really experience- does that make sense?) Adoption is starting to look better to me. 1) It's a little less expensive, but in the end we WILL have a baby. The old saying "You get what you pay for" really is true in this situation. It's not as if there is a shortage of babies without homes out there. 2) I was really against adoption at first (well not really against it, but it wasn't my first option), but the more I think about it the more I like it. Of course, I'd rather bear my own children, but if I can't then adoption is fine with me. I thought that the baby wouldn't feel like mine, or that I wouldn't love him/her like Sam or Jack, but I really feel that there is a baby out there that is meant to be ours. That will call us Mama and Dada. I know this baby is out there. It may be born from my own body and maybe not, but it's waiting for us.

My Grandma has a surgery date scheduled for the 22nd of this month. She was supposed to meet with the cardiologist on Monday to get the go-ahead to have the surgery, but things didn't work out so well. She's diabetic and they told her to fast for the morning of her appointment. Her appt. was at 1:15, but they were running 3 people behind. By 2pm, she still hadn't been seen and she was hungry and thirsty. Her blood sugar was out of whack, so she rescheduled for Thursday (tomorrow) morning at 8am. Hopefully everything will go smoothly and the cancer will be removed on the 22nd as planned. I was wanting to go up there to be with her, but I'm not sure how things will work out. Mr. H's 2nd cousin (the one with cancer) has been put on Hospice care. She went to the ER last week, because she was vomiting uncontrollably and they sent her home. They pretty much said it was only a matter of time, and that they could not do anything for her. That was a real wake up call. Her body is no longer responding to chemo and they really don't expect her to live to the end of the month. She lives in the same vicinity as my grandmother. Mr. H, my in-laws and I were going to drive (9 hours) to see her before she passed away. We don't really know when that will be. Heck, it could be tomorrow. Either way, I don't want to have to make two separate trips up there within a week of each other. I'm hoping I can fly in for my grandmother's surgery and just meet my in-laws later in the week. I'm not sure how it will all work out, but I'm sure it will. I hate that I am having to make this trip knowing that one of the visits is going to be for a funeral. It makes me sick and I hurt for her family. Since she is confined to a hospital bed, her husband went out to buy a twin bed so he could sleep next to his wife in bed. I can't imagine waking up one day and my soul mate not being there. I just can't ...

Well I guess that's it for now. But I will leave you with a nice picture of my boo-boo. I was messing with the paper shredder the other day because the damn thing wouldn't shred. One of the shredder blades got bent and paper was getting clogged in it. I didn't want to unplug the thing because I was going to have to keep plugging it in to check to see if it was working. I flipped the thing over and started jamming the scissors, the pen, the pen cap, anything that was small enough to fit in between the blades. Then I hurt myself. Not on the blades, or the scissors but when I put the stupid thing down! Those things are heavy and it slipped as I was putting back over the trash receptacle and "skinned" my ring finger. It hurt, but I thought I just rubbed it. I looked down and blood started to well up and my skin had rubbed off and was just sitting there. It was kinda cool and gross at the same time (so I took a picture, of course) Mr. H said I was crazy. "You could be bleeding to death, but you have to stop a take a picture. Put the camera down!" Yeah, maybe so, but I fixed the shredder!

8 comments:

Christyna said...

That sure was a long blog for someone who had nothing to say...

Everytime you tell of painting ceramics and show pics I am jealous. I did some looking around and there is a pottery/ceramics place within 10 minutes of my house! who knew, so I am gonna try my hand at it..maybe.

Cancer is a terrible thing. It has broken my heart SO many times. From the Grandmother that only lived long enough to see me walk and I don't remember her to my best friend's mother almost a year ago (I think the grand total so far is at least 6 people in my life). I feel for you and Mr. H. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your families.

You're so funny with the pics, i probably would have done the same thing as in hurt myself on something other than the blades and stopped to take a pic ha ha so tell Mr. H there's a lot of us "crazies" out there ha ha. Glad you blogged, I was missing them.

Christyna said...

crap! forgot about freezing embryos/adoption. You have a very good outlook. ANY child that grew up with you as a Mom would be yours, because you want it so badly, because you're wonderful and you have SO much love to give. I'm glad that you're open to different options and I'm also glad you have options in case you need them.

The Nanny said...

Eek! That cut does NOT look like fun. And don't ever feel blogger guilt--I feel it too when I haven't blogged anything substantial--cause we're stickin' by you regardless.

And as much as I'd love to be brilliant at ceramics and such...yeah...not so good. I took a ceramics course my senior year in high school and by the end of a full year of every day classes, I could produce lumpy bowls very well. Glazing? That's another story. I got all freaked out about it cause there was underglaze and firing in between and if you dip too long the glaze will fall off and blah blah blah. All my lumpy bowls ended up one color, nothing special. I gave them to my mother who promptly filled them with pennies and such and put them out of sight :-)

Cancer is horrible. One of my biggest hopes for the future is that they find some way, some little magic pill, that will make cancer go away. It's like how the flu used to be deadly so long ago...now it's just an annoyance, that'll pass in a few days. I so hope cancer becomes like that.

And I second what Christyna said about adoption/freezing embryos :-)

meg said...

That is so scary, what happened to your finger.

It sounds like you are on the right path to building your family. I would explore all the options out there. I know what you're saying about no guarantees. Adoption would be the way to feel like you will have a baby in your arms. That makes total sense to me.

I think that being open to everything is the key, and you're already doing that. I know that baby is going to come your way, one way or the other. What a lucky kid.

Becky said...

My philosophy in life is that there is a little soul out there some where waiting for me to scoop him/her up in my arms and love unconditionally for the rest of my life.

When I close my eyes at night, that's what I dream of : )

I hate that cancer exists. I don't understand a lot of things about it, and I can't figure out why it affects some people and not others. I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. I lost my grandmother to cancer when I was 12, and my life hasn't been the same since. I pray that you will have many, many more years with your grandmother.

That does look like a nasty cut. I hope that it heals quickly. I cut myself in the same spot around Christmas and it still hurts!

Lori said...

Cancer sucks. I recently lost a young family member to cancer. I personally feel that not enough research is going on to help fight it. But there sure seems alot of research happening for male erectile disfunction. OK, guess I should get off my soapbox about that!

I think it's funny you posted pictures of your injury. I'm in the process of writing a blog about my fall the other day and I took pictures of mine, too! Be on the lookout!

I was going to email you to find out what was going on in the "baby front". February is right around the corner.

Kristi said...

oh Monica, I'm sorry to hear about Mr. H's cousin. I hope you can spend some time with her & your grandmother.

You will be a wonderful mother to a baby- no matter how he r she comes into your life - you already are to Sam & Jack. I hope the appt. will give you both answers you need to take the next step - whichever course that may be.

Ouch! That looks painful, sounds like something I'd do too!

I'll call you soon to talk or we'll get together soon. I've been working more than I'd like to. : P

Rachel said...

You have a lot going on and some big decisions to make. I am glad you shared.