Survivor Scrapbook & A Few Thank You's

Here is the Survivor scrapbook I made for my Grandmother. It was wrapped in breast cancer ribbon paper, and tied with a pink bow. She thought it was too pretty to open to she sat with it in her lap for a while before opening it :-) These aren't all the pages, but a good majority of them. I hope you like it. Now bad for my first attempt.

(Click on any picture below to enlarge)

A very special thank you to those of you who took the time to send a picture or note for my grandmother. She absolutely loved it and I can't thank you enough for your generosity.

Nanny - Thank you for your inspirational words and hopeful pink hearts.
Christyna - Thank you for the thoughtful card. So touching.
Niobe - Thank you for the hopeful photos of the candles.
Kristi - Thank you for the postcard, the "tatas" sticker and the photo of Ethan- so cute!
Jennifer -Thank you for the handmade drawing/card for my Grandma. And thank you to your son for lending his talent.
Erica - I know you had the best of intentions and that's all that matters. Thank you for thinking of my grandmother.
Reese- Thank you for the picture of the tulip and the poem. So beautiful.
Jaded- Thank you for the festive pink ribbon card for my grandmother. It was perfect.
Darla - Thank you for the lighthouse card and for the words of encouragement.

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As some of you have already noticed and commented on, I have updated some of the photos on this site for the new year. My friend, Lori, of Each Day Wiser, graciously took our photo for our holiday cards. She also took several others (about 140- total!) I have put a few of my favorites on here already, including the picture at the very bottom of the page.....go ahead, scroll down. I'll wait..... the photo of Mr. H and I to the right, the picture of Autumn, and the picture of the two empty chairs in the corn field, that symbolizes my boys, Sam and Jack.

Thank you Lori for your time, your effort and your great talent. We love the pictures and are so pleased you captured us all as a family.

Great News and "Eh" News

LD is officially a big brother now.

He was born sometime around 6 am this morning. His name starts with a 'M' and is usually followed by 'Polo'. He was 8lbs.9oz. and has a big nose. That's all I know.

That's more than I care to know, really.

I was alone most of the day today with LD while his parents were at the hospital. His Dad came home to take a nap. When he woke up all he could say was how tired he was and how the "hard part" was yet to come.

All I wanted to say was "The 'hard part' comes when you have to bury your child. Not when you bring him home. Asshole!"

Instead I smiled, nodded, wished him a good weekend and left for the day. I wasn't as upset as I expected to be, but the thought of a new baby boy did/does make my heart ache. I will inevitably have to see him on Monday when I go back to work.

I was in a bum mood this evening so we went out for dinner. And wouldn't you know we were seated next to 3 chatter box women who were planning a baby shower! One of the ladies' suggestions for favors was to offer a candle with a ribbon wrapped around it and a card attached that said "light this on the day of this child's birth". The ladies all oohed and ahhed about what a great idea it was. Sound familiar? Whatever. We couldn't get out of there fast enough so Mr. H and I mocked them the entire dinner. It was fun :-)

Wanna know some good news?

My grandma had a mammogram on Monday and the results are in: She's still cancer free! Now that's something I can celebrate this weekend.

Remember if you want an inspirational stone, leave me a comment and tell me which one you want! You have til Saturday at midnight to enter.

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ETA: I just checked my email and A (LD's mom) sent me over a message titled 'Baby Pictures'. I couldn't look at them or delete them. I just froze.

The Survivor Project- Please Say You'll Contribute!

I have decided I am making my grandmother a "Survivor" scrapbook.

One of the ideas I had was to have YOU -my fellow blog buddies- contribute to the book. I have been so touched by the kind words left on this blog in the comment section for my grandma. The prayers, the good thoughts, the crossing of fingers, lighting of candles, chanting, etc. that has been done on behalf of my her.

I am going to try to capture her journey through cancer, from her diagnosis and into survivor-dom. I want to do a page of good thoughts and inspiring words. On the last page there will be an envelope in which it will be stuffed with cards, notes, pictures, whatever you want to send. Can you picture it?

Please say you'll help me and contribute to this book. It'll cost you as little as 42 cents and a moment of your time. But the reward will be so much richer.

**All you have to do is mail me a letter, a card, a colored picture, a sentence, a photo, whatever you want....wishing her well, offering her words of encouragement, letting her know that you care and support her. I know this would mean so much to her. Heck, it would mean so much to me! **

EMAIL ME if you're interested in being a contributor to the Survivor Project (catchy, huh?) I'll email you my address and you can send me your contribution. If you wish to remain anonymous, at least include in the card or letter, where you are sending your thoughts from. I know she'd be so touched to know that her story has inspired so many people from all over the place. If you'd like to help, I do ask that you send in your "envelope of hope" within the next two weeks, so I can get started.

Any contribution will be greatly appreciated. Please don't feel that you have to write a story in order for your words to count (although if you want to write a novel, go ahead). A few words- "Good job kicking cancer's ass!", "Keep the hope!" whatever you feel in your heart will be more than enough... And if you're one of those people that thinks your vote doesn't count- guess again. I need you all for this to be successful.

I promise if you'll help, I'll be your BFF! If there's anything you need ME to do for you, just ask. I'll be sure to post pictures when it's all complete!

Thank you in advance for your generosity,
MonicaETA: I've had a couple people email me to ask me about my grandmother's name. Her name is Diana. Thank you!

Shitty Day

I had kind of a shitty day. I really tried for it not to be, but it was.

I tried to register for the Race for the Cure in November, but I didn't realize it costs to walk. I'm sure this is customary for all races, 5K's, 10K's, marathons etc. to charge an entry fee, but you can tell from the size of my hips this is not something I do on a regular basis. The only other thing I've done was the March Of Dimes (last year) and they didn't charge per person to walk and show support.

My grandma was excited when I told her we were thinking about walking for her. She just completed her race this weekend. My Grandma wanted my mother and aunt to participate as well, but if we all walk (like she wants) we'll have to come up with over $210 just to enter. That doesn't include any fundraising. I was reading the registration info and it says that 75% goes back into cancer research, and the other amount goes towards bottled water, snacks, and "free" t-shirts. This kind of irritates me.

I asked my aunt (the one who walked with my grandparents) about it, knowing full well she'd make me feel like a cheap-ass for not wanting to fork over $60 TO WALK. She works at a breast center, so they all walked together. I thought maybe she got a deal from her job, and that's how they afforded to walk. Come to find out, they got a senior citizen discount (half off). My aunt's reply was something like this "Do what you need to do...your grandma has done so much for you...priorities, blah blah blah" I asked my other aunt (the one who lives here) and my mom if they'd walk with me. My aunt said she's participating in a diabetes walk instead and my mom is going out of town. So it looks like I am the one feeling guilty and I am the only one trying to make this work. Bull shit.

Today was the first day I met LD's grandmother. I thought she'd be really sweet and caring and grandma like. She half ass shook my hand and never looked at me again the rest of the day. She doesn't speak English, so maybe that's her excuse or maybe I'm not good enough to take care of her grandson. Whateva. LD's mom asked me to stay late today since I took off last Monday. She, her friend and her mom went shopping for 5 hours at BRU. They showed up exactly at 6 to pick LD so they can continue running errands. It was a lonely day. I felt like hired help.

And their dumb ass, bottomless pit of a dog ate my lunch. Little Dude was sleeping, so I sat down to eat my oh-so-good-freshly-made sandwich. I took 3 bites before he woke up. His new trick is to climb out of his crib and knock on the door for you to come get him. I rushed over to him and left my sandwich behind. As soon as I started to change his diaper, I heard my plate hit the floor. I put LD back in his crib, ran to save my sandwich only to find there was only a slice of oat-nut bread and lettuce left on the floor. I yelled at the dog (called him a few names) and went back to get LD. He was standing in his crib with his diaper off and he took the sheet off his mattress. He has also learned to open the security gate by pulling at the bottom corner. I tightened it as much as I could, but he still got out 4 TIMES today. Ugh.

My back and neck were hurting and I almost called Mr. H to bring me some pain pills, but I didn't want to fall asleep on the job, so I didn't call. I didn't have any Tylenol or ibuprofen to take either, so I just had a slice of pumpkin pie in attempts to make things better. It kind of helped.

Mr. H called me halfway through my day. It was nice to hear his voice. He only had bad news. We have to return the rental car, because their insurance isn't going to pay for it anymore ($40/day). They have decided that our car isn't worth fixing and because they are closing the claim and writing us a check they are no longer obligated to pay for the rental. Although I still don't have my car back. They are willing to pay us retail value of the car (about $6500 as opposed to $4500). If we keep the car to fix it, they will give us this amount less the salvage value (about $1200). If we decide to let them keep it (total it) they'll give us the retail value plus the salvage value. The salvage value is the amount the salvage yard will part the car for, which basically means they'll take it apart and sell all the pieces. How sad.

We're going tomorrow to get the results of the x-rays taken at the chiropractor's office last Friday. Next Tuesday we will be going to get a second opinion at the orthopedic specialists office.

Today sucked big donkey dick. How was your day? Got any good news?

Pain In The Neck

A couple of you have emailed or called to see how we are, so thank you.

It's been pretty quiet around here. We went to the wrecker yard on Tuesday to look at the car and take pictures. In some ways it didn't seem as bad as I remembered, but in others it seems worse.

In this picture, the bumper is bent, the front guard is cracked, the hood was shoved up and over about 4 inches and it doesn't open. The light assembly on the passenger side is shattered and the metal around it is in shreds. It's amazing how something so tough (metal) can just disintegrate in a matter of moments. The damage doesn't look so bad, but there is slight frame damage and that's where the big bucks come in.

Also the air bags deployed and that jacks up the estimate by about $2000. The driver door only opens about a foot because the whole front was shoved over- ugh.

Moving on, we went to the ER Monday (minor emergency) to get checked out. We went there rather than to our regular docs because we both wanted to get checked out by the same person. He gave us muscle relaxants and pain meds. I was hoping I wouldn't need them, but my neck and lower back have been killing me. The right side of my neck more than anything. Mr. H is having trouble sleeping and is more anxious than ever- thanks universe for fucking us over once again. I do realize it could be so much worse, but why??? It's so frustrating.

We are going to see a chiropractor tomorrow afternoon. We'll see what he has to say. Aaron has been having back pain as well. He missed a half day of school on Monday and half a day today. Monday he went to see his pediatrician (which he claims to be too old for) and today he went to see an orthopedic specialist. He has recommended physical therapy for two weeks, then he'll be re-evaluated. The doctor did extensive 360-degree x-rays and thinks he might have a slight fracture in one of his discs (which is apparently a common occurrence in auto accidents). This stinks.

Good news- the lawyer friend of my in-laws is on board. He has already contacted the insurance company and sent them a letter telling them he was representing us and to back off. They have. He also told us that most likely the cost to repair the vehicle will not be disputed. Yay us! We're not in this for the money, but it doesn't hurt either. I don't know how people go around getting in intentional wrecks and pretending to be hurt just to get reimbursed for their "pain and suffering". This is tough work. I guess everyone's gotta make a living- only some chose to do it honestly.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

My grandma is walking this weekend in the K.omen Race for the Cure along with my aunt and grandfather. I am so proud of her, I wish I was going to be there with her. I'd hold her hand and cry with her every step of the way. Oh, I love her. The walk here is the first of November, and I'm hoping to go. BTW, she melted a toaster on the stove the other day. There's a melty gaping hole in the bottom of it...lol. Just another reason why I love her :-)

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

More good news- LD's mom hasn't said anything about rescheduling the baby shower. And I wanted to ask, but I figured if she did change the date she would have said something. Her mother and friend from V.enezuela and S.pain are coming int his weekend. Her mom is staying til January. Yeah you read that right, over 3 months, and her friend for 2 weeks. And she still wants me to be there on my normal days so she can go "shopping". In fact she asked me to work an extra day next week since I took a day off this week. Again, so she can go shopping. Whatever.

One more thing, I don't know why I go into the nursery. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment. And I opened the new dresser expecting it to be empty. It wasn't. It was full of newborn onesies, bibs, socks, gowns and hats. I just wanted to take them all out of the drawer and smell them. I wanted to touch them all and rub them against my cheek. Why do I go in there?

Time to log off, the pain meds are kicking in...wee!

Birth Day

James Travis

August 13, 2006

12:59 pm

Your Mommy and Daddy love and miss you so very much. But I'm sure you can feel that from where you are.

Happy 2nd Birthday Little Man!

~~~

Happy 66th Birthday Grandma, I love you!

200

This is my 200th post-yay!

I've had several posts swirling around in my head, but nothing ever becomes of it. Even now as I sit down to write, I am drawing a blank.

Let's see what I can conjure up.

My grandparents came in today (or yesterday, if you're reading this on Sunday). My grandmother looks great. She doesn't smell of smoke like she did before- she is down to one cigarette a day. But as of the last two days she hasn't smoked a single one. She was so proud of the way she smelled- or didn't smell. She highlighted her hair, so my grandpa says he has a new blond in his life. It makes them both smile :-)

They bought a new car. They haven't bought a new car since 1970- and it was an avocado green, Oldsmobile that they had til 1995! I'm glad to see the "Guac" was gotten rid of. They just bought a new Chevy Impala in a bronze-y tone that they both love. I'm so glad to see they are both doing so well.

My step-dads birthday is next Wednesday, but he had a surprise party this evening. I made him a chocolate praline cake- which was amazing!

We are getting ready to paint our bathrooms. I'm tired of looking at the bland "summertime white" walls. The guest bath (which is the bathroom I use) will be painted "Brown Teepee" which makes me laugh because if it were "brown t.p." that would be gross! And no the colors aren't even similar. The master bath will be painted "Blue Tequila"- a grayed blue green to match our bedding (I couldn't find a color swatch). Everything is taped off, the paint was purchased today, now we just have to prime and paint. Do I have any volunteers?

I bought a robe for myself for my birthday. I was so excited about it and then when it came I let it sit in the box for a couple weeks before I opened it. I don't know why I waited so long, because once I opened it and tried it on, I didn't want to take it off. IT IS FAB-U-LOUS with a capital F! I love it. It's soft and cozy, it's flattering and stays in place. It is the most comfortable robe I've ever had and probably the cheapest. I'm a robe whore- I have about 6 or 7 different robes, but this is the best thus far. In fact, I spent the entire day in it yesterday. Go get one now! I promise you won't regret it.

I've been thinking about Sam's birthday a whole lot. I have some ideas, but nothing is set yet. I am making cookies for his birthday. I made the dough last night and froze it, so I wouldn't have so much to do on that day. They're really cute- stay tuned! Speaking of birthdays, Cooper just had his first birthday last week, and his mom did a wonderful job honoring him.

I can't think of much else...oh, wait. LD's mom has finally "popped". She no longer just looks fat, she looks pregnant, and damn it, she looks semi-cute. But I will NEVER say that aloud, in fact I'll deny it. They're getting ready to set up the nursery as soon as they move all her stuff out of there (it's her home office). They have chosen their fabrics and are going with a "puppy" theme in shades of maize and chambray. They're having their bedding custom made- whatever. Meanwhile I keep making stuff for my imaginary baby and nursery and stashing it away in a drawer. Like I said, whatever. And please no well-meaning comments about how my "day will come".

Mr. H has been going to the therapist and had to make a "pros and cons" list about having a baby. It was interesting. More on this later, as it deserves it's own post.

Good night.

It's Complicated

And no I'm not talking about this lovely bit of reality TV.

I'm talking about my grandma and her surgery last week. I spoke to her on Friday and she was in a great mood and feeling fine. She was laughing and watching I Love Lucy reruns while I was talking to her on the phone. It was so good to hear her laugh. It's been a long time since I've heard that. A long time since it was sincere.

She slept most of the day Saturday and was not feeling well, but never said anything to anyone. She started to run a fever (102) and her breast started to hurt and swell. In the wee hours of the night she started to call for help because she just couldn't hide her pain anymore. My aunt called her doctor (who is out of the country) and was referred to a different doctor who took off for the weekend to Mexico. She ended up getting a different doctor (who apparently was HOT!) to care for her.

He ran tests to check for infection. Put her on antibiotics and admitted her to the hospital for two nights. She should be going home tomorrow depending on her progress. When they inserted the drainage tube last week, they put in a smaller gauge tube than her previous surgery. They didn't expect much fluid to drain from her incision so they put in a smaller tube. Well what happens when she lays down is the fluid doesn't drain at a steady pace and when she gets up it drains but clots. (it's kind of like when you're on your period and you go to sleep. When you get up in the morning, it all wants to come out all at once). Except, the fluid and blood solidifies into tiny, sometimes stringy beads. You have to squeeze them out and work them down the tube into the vessel. We think this has happened. And the fluid is not draining out of her body, resulting in swelling. Retained fluid resulting in infection and infection resulting in an overnight stay at the hospital an hour away from home.

I've called her a couple times and she was asleep. I spoke to my grandfather (who never really says much and always forgets to pass on messages) about my grandma and he said he'd call later to update me. He didn't, so I don't know anything more. I just hope and pray that she gets better. This is way too much for anyone to deal with. God, I hate cancer.

* * * * * * * * * *
While you're here, please visit Erica. She is a mother of two young boys who got into a minor car accident earlier in the year. She was going to physical therapy and was having constant headaches. Her doctors discovered she had cancer at the base of her skull. Soon after, they did surgery on her brain, neck and spine. She still doesn't have feeling on her left side of her body. She is in pain constantly and can't take care of and play with her children like she'd like to. She never complains about anything, but I know it must be so hard. Please pray the cancer is all gone (she has an appt. on Wednesday). Just stop by to give her a few words of encouragement. Have I mentioned I hate cancer?

Also visit JGirl. She lost a son last year at 16 weeks (?). She got pregnant earlier this year and had an early miscarriage. She is pregnant again at just over 11 weeks. She had an emergency u/s today because she was bleeding and they think he has a subchorionic hemorrhage. Please visit her and offer her some supportive words. She could sure use some friends and your prayers right now.

Sometimes when you feel like you have no control, always remember there's still hope. I hope.

The 3rd on the 2nd

Today was my grandmother's 3rd surgery.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, she had a lot of dead tissue and wasn't healing properly. She was in pain and was having to constantly nurse her open wound.

When she had the first surgery (lumpectomy) in February, the breast tissue was "weak" so they had to use filler tissue called fascia. I believe it's lab grown tissue, but I'm not completely positive. They stitched the fascia into her other tissue hoping it would grow into one cohesive mass. It did.

In April (mastectomy) they placed an expander in her breast. The idea was for the breast/incision to heal, then they would expand the breast over a years amount of time into the size she desired or until it matched the other breast. It's been 5 months since her first surgery and 3 months since the last. And she still has an open non-healing wound! Until today...

The surgeon wanted to close her wound, so she went back in for a minor surgery today. They removed the dead/damaged tissue and closed the wound. When they were in there, they realized the expander was growing into the fascia and that's what was causing her pain. They had to remove the expander altogether.

She is currently at home and recovering, yet again. I was worried that she would be upset about not having the expander in. She was really upset (and understandably so) about not having her breast. The expander was the only thing that was keeping her sane because she knew at the end of all this, she would have a breast again. Without the expander there, she can't do that.

She has the option of placing the expander back in after she has totally healed from today's surgery. But that means ANOTHER surgery and I don't know if she's up for that.

I'm just glad that she's okay. That she's still alive.

Too Much

I've had a lot on my mind lately and haven't felt like really writing about any of it. Some of it is the same ol' stuff- just more of it, and some of it is just morbid and I'm afraid to talk about it.

It's all too much to deal with at times and I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to return when the storm has passed and the rainbow fills the sky. I know, we all know, this won't happen.

* Mr. H and I have talked about returning to therapy. We went weekly for 4 consecutive months last year after Jack died. It helped, but then my insurance ran out and we were having to pay out of pocket so we stopped going. But we attended 2- 6 week support groups with a different grief counselor that seemed to do some good. We've been trying to work things out on our own, but it's not working. We're surviving, but we're getting no where. Mr. H has an appt. tomorrow to try to help him work out his grief so we can try again. I am so proud of him.

* I moved the sonogram picture further to the right of the fridge so it's not so in my face. It helps a bit. Rachel suggested I turn it over while I'm there, but I can't do that. She works from home and walks to the fridge, she'd notice it was turned over. I can't ask her to allow me to turn it over and I can't ask her to take it down. If someone asked me to do that, I would be devastated. Yes, she knows my circumstance, but I can't ask her to do that. It would be great if she offered, but that's not gonna happen. So I'm trying to be okay with it pushed to the right side of the fridge.

* LD's mom (as mentioned above) came in the living room rubbing her belly the other day. I tried to avoid looking at her, but I could still see out of the corner of my eye. She was complaining that she's getting "so big" and her clothes aren't fitting her anymore. Let's call the whambulance! I keep suggesting she put a robe on so I don't have to see her (and because she's cold all the time) but she's not going for it. I might just buy her a robe- a big one. Almost tent-like.

* My FIL was recently diagnosed with d.ementia. His father had alz.heimers, and his mother also has d.ementia and is in a nursing home. My MIL is really scared. She has known about his deteriorating condition for some time now, but like all of us, denial reigns. She avoided having him tested until a couple weeks ago. He had an MRI and a cognitive test done- both of which didn't look so good. He forgets things. Things he just did or said less than 5 minutes ago. He'll open a piece of mail and read it entirely and swear he's never seen it before. He may appear to be the same person. He still has a wise-ass sense of humor. He looks and acts the same, but his mind is deteriorating. There is medication he can take to slow the deterioration process down, but there's no guarantee it will work. My MIL, a very strong woman, emotionally and mentally, is realizing her future and she's devastated. She called me crying yesterday- something she's never done before in the 9 1/2 years I've known her.

* I spoke to my grandma yesterday for a split second. Not much was discussed, but I heard from her again today. Still she said nothing. My aunt called me to fill me in. She has l.ymphed.ema. This is not good. Because she is a smoker and a d.iabetic, she is healing at a much slooower pace. She had surgery April 1st. Her scar is very gnarly. She has excess tissue that is bumpy and puckered. It's not smooth and flat. She went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and the doctor (plastic surgeon) cut away the excess dead tissue that was forming on her breast as well as removed the drainage tube. She has been bandaging her breast 3x daily, because she's still leaking fluid. This is not abnormal. Because she smokes and has done so for 50 years! and because she's d.iabetic her wounds and illness take forever to heal. That means that she still has an open wound. According to my aunt, you can see straight into her breast. The doc has given her one month to stop smoking and is better monitoring her blood sugar. I don't know what will come of this. I don't know what the next step for her is. But I do know there isn't any infection and the doc is taking care of her. On the upside, she doesn't have to do c.hemo or r.aditation.

* Back in November, Mr. H went to a u.rologist for some pain he was experiencing...this was the doctor's office that belonged back in the 1960's (for which I did go back to to take pics- you knew I would!)... Anyway, was still having pain, and went back to this doctor who did an ultrasound and ran labs and prescribed him some antibiotics. They didn't find anything abnormal, and the antibiotics seemed to help. Except he doesn't have chronic pain- he doesn't hurt at any specific time- it's random. So we don't know that the antibiotics really contributed to anything. Well all these months later, he's still having some pain. So we're going to get a second opinion tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully he can offer us some helpful insight as to why he is in pain or maybe even "fix" him. Hey, there's a thought.

Okay, I'm done. Not really, I still have a lot on my chest but I don't feel like I can share- not here anyway. I may talk about it in the future and I may not, but at least I lifted the weight.

Burdened

Today has been frustrating to say the least. Not the entire day, just a good portion of it. I didn't post right away, because I thought this post would turn into a total bitch fest and I didn't want that. Don't be disappointed, there's still plenty of bitching going on here, but much less than if I had started writing earlier this evening. I have allowed myself plenty of time to cool off, now here I am.

I have an aunt (who is a few years older than me) who still lives at home with my grandparents. This is her decision and my grandparents don't seem to have a problem with it...so my opinion isn't really necessary here. She now has a new boyfriend and she is completely smitten with him. She has spent most of her adult life single or with men who were not so good for her. Because she found this new guy who she's been dating for a few months, she spends a lot of time with him. I think this is great for her. She needs to move out and get a life of her own (and I said I wouldn't insert my opinion here...ha!).

Anytime anyone has ever hassled her about still living at home, she says she's there to take care of her parents. My grandparents never really needed taking care of, but since my grandma is an emotional wreck, she needs someone there at all times. She may say she can do things by herself, or she wants to be alone, but that only leads to depression and more crying. I (and others in the family) think that she still lives at home, because she has it made in the shade. 95% of her meals are prepared for her by my grandmother, her laundry is done for her by my grandmother. Her sheets are washed for her (until this said boyfriend started spending the night and my grandma finally put her foot down and said she wouldn't do it anymore). The house is cleaned by my grandparents (sometimes she helps out with dusting and dishes but she has to be asked to do it). My brother lives with them too and granted he should probably live on his own too, but at least he pays a huge portion of their bills.

My aunt just quit her job a couple weeks ago. She was unhappy and her working situation was less than ideal. So she quit. This seemed to have happened at just the right time since Grandma was going to need help with cooking, cleaning and other stuff around the house. She even said that now she would have more time to be with her mom. Well the entire time we were there to visit her, she never lifted a finger to help out my Grandma. And when we asked her to, she said she'd have plenty of time to do all those things after we left. We left on Sunday and it's now Thursday. She spent the last 2 days with her boyfriend. Which means, she took care of Grandma for 2 days, then took 2 days off. WTF?

She called me today while I was working and asked me to call Grandma because she was upset and couldn't find any clothes that didn't make her look flat. I would love to help her, but I am 9 hours away. What am I going to do from here? And why isn't she there with her to help her with these things? She said she was on a job interview and was working on her resume. That's great, but I thought she was there to take care of her parents. Apparently not. I couldn't get a hold of anyone to call my Grandmother, so I called my Mom. My Mom is a hard ass and she can be rude at times (most of the time), but her intentions are usually good. She texted my aunt and said this "Why are you in "A" when Mom needs you at home? Is your boyfriend or your alleged job hunting more important? I think you need to rethink your priorities" She (my aunt) responded by saying "For your information I'm about to go into a job interview. Mom is my priority unlike everyone who left" I don't care if they want to exchange words between them, but I don't understand why she had to drag us all in it. Why did she have to imply that we didn't care and Grandma wasn't our priority because we had to go back to our homes and our jobs and our families? That pisses me off. My Grandpa asked her to not look for a job so soon because he needed help at home. I guess she realized she would actually have to "care" for someone other than herself and she'd rather work instead.

I called my Grandma when I got off work and she was upset. Not because she couldn't find anything to wear for her upcoming appointment, but because we were all ganging up on my aunt. We were being hateful and rude and my aunt didn't deserve that. According to my Grandma my aunt does a lot for her. And I'm sure she does a lot of things for my Grandma when we're not there, but she shouldn't be doing laundry and cooking and emptying out her own grenade by herself. She needs help damn it and the person who should be stepping up isn't. Before I left, I gave my aunt a hug and said "Take care of her." Her response without hesitation was "I don't have a choice."

I could go on and on and on about this aunt's attitude and the bad taste she left in my mouth, but I won't. I just feel sad because I feel like my Grandma is the one getting gipped.

Recovery

I came home last night to an immaculate house. Mr. H missed me and worked his butt off this week to make things perfect for me. He bought a hammock stand for the hammock we got over Christmas and put it together. He hung up a rack we got from I.kea for our laundry room. He vacuumed three times, dusted, mopped, gave Autumn a bath, washed the sheets, did several loads of laundry, mowed the lawn and detailed my car inside and out. Everything is spotless and it makes me so happy to know that he did it all for me. Thank you honey so very much. On top of all that, he bought me a laptop! Am I spoiled or what? I asked for one for Christmas, but didn't get one. I figured we'd get one in the future, so I was absolutely surprised to come home to one. I love it- and I'm typing on it right now!

My grandma's surgery went well- kind of. She actually had to have two surgeries. She went in on Tuesday morning and had the mastectomy. Everything went well and she was out of surgery by 10:30 am. She went to recovery and then to her room. She opted to do reconstruction on her breast. This means that they had to completely remove her breast, nipple, and a few lymph nodes. This turned out to be a blessing because the pathology report stated that there was another cluster of cancerous cells in her breast that they missed. Had they done another lumpectomy, she would still have cancer. I am pleased to announce that she is cancer free!!!!! Back to the reconstruction, after they removed this breast tissue, they had to scrape the muscle off her ribs. Then they placed an expander under the muscle. The expander will be filled with fluid every two weeks until the breast is the desired size. This process could take up to a year. It will slowly stretch out the skin so the expander can be removed and the implant can be placed. They will then reconstruct the remaining breast so it matches the new one. I asked if she would have a nipple and they said that they would gather the excess skin to form a nipple, then they would tattoo on an areola to match the other. How cool is that? My grandma is going to have a tattoo! That's bad ass!

They placed a drainage tube under the muscle to drain any excess blood and fluids. She was filling up her "grenade" (a plastic holding container that holds approximately 4 oz.) every hour. The doctor was concerned with the amount of fluid that was draining out of her. She examined her at about 5pm and noticed that her chest was swollen and was bleeding internally. They took her back into surgery at about 9:30pm and she didn't come out of recovery until about 1:30am Wednesday morning. They didn't find what was causing her to bleed, but they removed the excess blood and stitched her back up. She stayed in the hospital until Friday at noon. She's now filling up her grenade about one and a half times a day, which is great. The amount of fluid will decrease daily until the tube is removed after 10 days. She's okay physically, as she is on pain killers and muscle relaxants every 4-6 hours, but emotionally she is a mess. She is distraught over her appearance and cries every time she is awake. The medication has her sleeping about 16 hours a day, and when she wakes up, she's just sad. I so wish I could take away her pain and sadness. I know one day she will be okay, but it will take time, and even then she will never be the same. It's times like this, I wish I could speed up the clock.

I'm glad I'm home, but I wish I could still be with her to take care and comfort her. Thanks everyone for all your support and well wishes. My grandma and I appreciate them more than you know.

Public Service Announcement

I'm going to be with my Grandma for her surgery tomorrow. She is having a mastectomy and reconstruction on her right breast. She visited us over Easter and she said, "This is the last time my boob will ever be here in this town", then she got sad. I did that too. I remember every little thing or place I could link the boys to, I did. "I remember driving here, when I was pregnant. The last time I ate such and such I was pregnant. When we did this, I was pregnant." and the list went on. It's been a year and a half since Sam passed away, and I still find myself doing that from time to time. So, I understand her grief. It's just sad to me that she is experiencing this type of grief before she has even experienced the actual physical loss. But I get it. Like us, she's already lost her innocence. I guess it would be like us knowing we were going to lose our babies, but we just had to wait it out. She has said to me many times over the past few weeks that it has been so stressful and exhausting for her. In many ways, it's only beginning, but in some it's over. I hope to never write about cancer again. If the two topics are ever mentioned in unison, I hope it's to say that "My Grandma beat cancer!"

(.)(.) - Save your boobies!

Get a mammogram, and give one too!

Rosey Cheeks

For the last couple weeks, my skin has been terrible! I have the occasional breakout, but it has been yucky everyday for 2 weeks now. So I made a doctor appt. with a dermatologist to see what was going on. The breakout seemed to spread from my face to neck to my chest. I didn't change any products, I didn't use anything differently, I didn't start a new bottle of anything (thinking the formula changed). I didn't do anything different, so I didn't understand why my skin was acting up. It was kind of embarrassing and I was a little self-conscience so I decided to take action.

Mr. H printed out a list of recommended docs in my insurance network and I just left it on the desk for about a week. Then after that, I said I was going to make an appt, so I stuck it in my purse in which it remained for another couple days. When I searched the list, I noticed there was a doctor named Robert Jackson!!! It was a sign, so I made an appt right away. I went to see him this morning and he says I have r.osacea- bleh! So he wrote me a scrip for a $135 tube of cream- that's crazy talk. Insurance covered a portion of it, but it still came out to over $100. Mr. H asked why they called it r.osacea and not "Rosey cheeks" I thought that was funny. Rosey cheeks sounds so much more pleasant doesn't it?

Anyway, when we were leaving the pharmacy parking lot after picking up my meds, my car decided it was going to act a fool and it started making this nasty grinding noise which Mr. H thinks is the torque converter. Don't know what that is? Me neither, but it costs about $400 plus labor! So we headed home instead of to my mom's house for dinner and switched cars. We have 3 cars, but I can only drive one since I don't drive a stick. So that meant that Mr. H was going to have to drive me around everywhere while my car was getting fixed or I was going to have to borrow a car. So I am now pimpin' out my MIL's Caddy (and I secretly love it!) but I do miss my car already.

* * * * *
Easter wasn't so bad after all, but it still wasn't as great as we all wished it could be. My Grandma came in to town to visit for the weekend. Her mastectomy and reconstruction surgery are scheduled for April 2nd. She needed to get away so she and my Grandpa took a road trip. It's been nice to have her here even though I have been so busy and haven't been able to spend as much time with her as I would like. She leaves for home on Wednesday, then I will fly up to see her next Monday. I'm hoping that this will be her last surgery and she will be cancer free. I can't take the stress of it, and I can only imagine how she feels everyday.

It's been interesting though because the loss she feels towards her breast and the disease she has makes us grieve in very similar ways. We've been able to connect on a different level than others because the loss of my boys and the loss of part of her body are relatively similar- emotionally. People have said stupid shit to her as they did me, like "You'll have another one" or "At least you had it for as long as you did" or "It was meant to be". All bullshit, I tell ya. She fears death and a loss of hope as have I. She feels no one can relate as much as they try, as did I. All the commonalities have really caught me off guard, because I never thought that a loss of a baby would at all relate to a woman with breast cancer. But it just goes to show that no matter what your hardship, grief is still the common factor.

My Valentine- 2007

This time of year is just depressing for me. Last year we were in "Save Jack Mode". Everyday was a struggle. I would cry often. I was exhausted. I had daily headaches from lying in bed/couch/bed/couch and crying so much. I didn't know what the air smelled/felt like except for the one day a week doctor appointment. That was the highlight of my week. I could go outside AND see my little man on the ultrasound screen. I could see his heart flutter and his tiny legs kick. He was a fighter and he tried. I tried.

Last year, my grandmother was here helping to take care of me. She would help cook and clean. She cleaned the bathtubs every other day, so it would be clean for me. I only took a bath every other day because I didn't want to risk standing up for such a long period of time. If I could avoid the pressure and stress on my pelvis I did. If I was thirsty or needed something, I would do it on the way to the bathroom, so I could limit my walking. It sucked. I was miserable but I did it. I did it to keep my baby from being born too early. It didn't work, but I wonder how things would have been differently if I didn't try.

My in-laws came over with tulips and dinner. Surprisingly they don't visit that often (whew!) but they made it a point to be with us on that day. She made petite bacon wrapped steaks, potatoes and another side dish. I really don't remember as it was a fog. I remember being uncomfortable in my seat, because I felt like my insides were going to fall out. Earlier that day, I made a Valentine card for my honey while laying down on the couch (not an easy task). I even made the envelope with is awfully crooked that I decorated with paper hearts and a silver paint pen. Classy.



The card turned out pretty cute though. I haven't looked at it until today. I forgot what it said. I just read it and it made me sad. It reads as follows:

"Thank you for loving me each and everyday. Thank you for showing me how much you care. I appreciate all the little things you do for me and our family and I'm truly blessed to have you as a husband and now as a father to our babies! I love you more and more everyday. Happy Valentine's Day My Love!"



For Valentine's Day I bought Mr. H a heart locket. I got it from H.allm.ark before I had the cerclage placed in January. At the time I had no idea what it would mean to me today. It is a heart shaped pocket piece that you can put two pictures in. I bought it because I liked it, not because I thought he would actually use it. I actually questioned giving it to him because I thought he'd never carry it. I thought it would sit in his dresser never to see daylight. I was wrong. I couldn't decide what pictures to use, but I decided to use sonogram pictures of the boys since that are our Loves. I gave it to him at dinner and he cried. He loved it. It used to be shiny and pretty and now it's worn and dull. I think I love it more now than I ever anticipated. This heart locket was not intended for me to use, but I held it when we were in the ER as Jack was barely hanging on. It gave me strength. I now sleep with this heart in my hands every night and have done so every night for the last year. I kiss it goodnight and I kiss it in the morning when I place it on my nightstand. I feel close to the boys when I carry it. During the day, Mr. H carries it in his pocket. When I miss them I open it to see their pictures. It's the best Valentine I could have asked for.

Sam (left) and Jack (right)

Failed Attempt

My Grandmothers' surgery went well. She has a one inch horizontal scar on her right breast. They removed a chunk of tissue about the size of a small orange or tangerine (40 grams). The cancer was encapsulated in her milk duct. I was not aware that she had a small mound (1/2 cm) outside the milk duct in her breast tissue. The doctor cut around the cancer in attempts to retrieve it all. He sent the cancerous breast tissue to pathology to have the outer edges tested for cancer. If they came back clean, then that means she is cancer free. If the outer edges came back with cancer cells present, then that means it has spread further into her breast.

Well, you guessed it. She still has cancer. Her nurse called to tell us the news and said the pathology results indicated that her breast tissue looked like someone has "sprinkled" her breast with cancer using a salt shaker. These speckles were not picked up by the mammogram she had.

She has two options. She can have another surgery in attempts to remove the remaining cancerous cells, and have radiation. If they don't remove it all, then they'll have to operate again (!) Or she can have a mastectomy and not have to undergo radiation at all. She has the option of reconstructing her breast at the same time as the mastectomy. She is concerned because she is diabetic, that her recovery time will be a lot longer and she's more at risk for infection. Also, when they reconstruct her breast they have to remove tissue and fat from her hips/thighs. That's another surgery she'll have to recover from.

Right now she is leaning towards a mastectomy without reconstruction. I think this is the route I would take if I were in her shoes. She is feeling loss and sadness towards her breast. She feels inadequate and thinks others will view her in the same way. She's afraid of feeling ugly, not sexy, not feminine, different. She kept saying that her breasts as droopy as they were (her words not mine) were hers for 65 years and they nourished her children. She feels like because she will have one less breast she will not be the same person.

I do not know what it feels like to be in her position. I can not pretend like I do. But I do know that I would rather have her around with one less breast for several more years, than to not have her at all. Her life is more important than what she looks like. The surgery date is not yet scheduled, but her nurse thinks it will be taken care of by the end of the month. I ask you all, if you believe in the power of prayer, to pray for my grandmother. Pray that the next surgery is successful and ALL the cancer is removed from her body. Pray for healing, health, emotional well being. Pray for a cure so your mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, daughter or friend doesn't have to go through this.

Deja Vu

This seems all too familiar. I feel like I've been here before. Writing about this exact same topic. Using the same words. Oh, wait I have been here. Silly me.

I am leaving today to go see my grandmother. Only this time I am flying for only 2 hours instead of driving for 9- woohoo! Not that I actually did any of the driving on the last trip and it's not as if I could if I wanted to. I'm pretty sure I'd get lost and it would take me two days to find my way there missing the whole surgery- which is the purpose of this trip. We're all better off with me flying, I think. In less than 24 hours she will be cancer free. I am so excited and proud of/for her. She fought and she's a winner. I know her battle was not as long and difficult as others, but like the snow, it doesn't matter how you get it or how long you have it. I got her a book and I went to the hobby shop to get some pink ribbon for us to wear for her during her lumpectomy. I got her a turquoise kokopelli, which is a native American symbol of strength, protection (and fertility for those of us who need it). I packed my recipe for chicken and dumplins' and chocolate chip cookies and I'm ready to go.

I'll update if/when I can. The only computer I know of is at the public library, so I'll see if I can manage to sneak away for a bit sometime this week. Or like I said I may have Mr. H post an update for me if he's up to it.

One last thing before I go, because it's funny and a link to the recipe for Coconut Shrimp I promised you last week :-) Have a good week everyone and don't miss me too much (Honey, I'm taking to you- ILY)!
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Monica: peeling and deveining the shrimp we got from the farmer's market last weekend.

Aaron: "What are you doing?"

Monica: "Deveining the shrimp"

Aaron: (just watching)

Monica: "You know that's not really a 'vein' don't you?"

Aaron: "What is it?"

Monica: "It's the intestinal tract. All the yucky stuff the shrimp eats"

Aaron: "Oh, the poop"

Monica: "Well yeah kinda." (Still cleaning several shrimp later...I came across a shrimp with a HUGE 'vein'/ a lot of poop)

Aaron: "Whoa, that one must have been constipated like me!"

Monica: ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

I'm B-a-a-a-ck!

I decided to come back rather than stay with my grandmother. She had her stint put in on Thursday and everything went well. She was out and in recovery in about 30 minutes. Her doctor decided to postpone her lumpectomy for February 5th so she can recover from the sinus infection she had. I spoke to her this morning and she sounds so much better. She sounds like herself again. I was going to surprise her by visiting, but she didn't know I was coming. She said she had an idea, and kept running to the window every time she heard a diesel (we drive an Excursion) to see if I might "show up". She said she expected me to do something like that and she hoped I would come by to see her. I felt bad for not going, but I really couldn't afford to stay with her now then fly back to see her in two weeks. That's 3 plane tickets. I looked on the airlines website today and if I buy them now (2 weeks in advance) they are less expensive. I told her I was going to visit her in February and she is beyond thrilled. So we'll do this all over again in two weeks.

We left Wednesday morning for the funeral on Thursday and we came back late last night. It was beautiful and there were so many people there to honor and remember her life. It was not sad though. I hand wrote the letter to Marie (in the last post) to give to her husband Jimmy. He seemed to have really appreciated it.

It was not a vacation, but it was nice to get away from my routine life and just relax. There was no email, very minimal phone calls, no radio, just each other and family. I needed that, even if it was for only 2 nights at a B.est W.estern. BTW, I got to see snow (well, ice crystals on the windshield that looked like tiny frozen trees). We actually had to scrape it off before we left. It got down to the teens- woohoo! We haven't had to do that in years!!! While on this trip I heard my MIL say she had a "hot ass", she said the word "twat" and my FIL spoke about a "schlong". We also stopped at a gas station for a potty break in which there was a sign that read "Wild hogs for sale". That pretty much sums up my trip!

Blogging Break

I'm taking a break. I need a break. Well actually, I need a vacation, but that's not happening anytime soon. We are heading out in the morning for the funeral. It's a long drive (9 hours) and it will be with my in-laws to boot, so wish me well. The funeral is Friday afternoon at 2 pm. Mr. H and the out laws will come back and I'll stay with my grandmother for her surgery. They will put in her stint tomorrow morning. If it's worse than they think, then they'll have to do open heart surgery and postpone the cancer removal. If the stint will work then the surgery remains for Tuesday. Either way, I need to be there with her.

I should be back next Friday the 25th. I will not have access to the internet (bummer!) so maybe you'll get an update through Mr. H if I can talk him into writing one. Thank you all for being so supportive and for all the prayers.

~Monica

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I'll leave you with pictures of the tulips Mr. H bought me last night. The green is the cut stems. They smelled like fresh cut grass. I love the blue center- it reminds me of denim.

Hurdles

My grandma had her NST done last Thursday to make sure her heart was able to handle the stress of the upcoming surgery. She got winded on the treadmill in the incline position, so they stopped the test and monitored her. The cardiologist thinks there's a blockage in her arteries leading up to her heart. He wants to place a stint to keep the arteries "open" and clear. It's a day surgery and they would be done this Thursday! Holy moly, that's a lot to take in. I can't imagine the stress she's in. She and I worry. That's what we do, so I know even though she's trying to act cool, she's panicking inside.

As far as I know, the surgery to remove the cancer is still scheduled for Tuesday, the 22nd. My grandpa got sick right after Christmas and he was being really careful not to get her sick, but it happened. She's been sick for over a week and the doctors offices are so busy they won't see her. She made an appointment with the doc to get a prescription for some antibiotics, but they won't see her until the 21st. That's ludicrous! They are going to try to squeeze her in tomorrow (sometime), but if she's not well by the 22nd, she'll have to postpone the surgery. She went to the doctor today to get the results. Afterwards she went shopping. She said that made her feel better. She's just been so tired lately, with being sick and having to travel an hour each way to see the doctor. I know it's only going to get worse when she starts radiation. I know I said she would be doing chemo a few posts back, but she misunderstood. It's radiation for sure, which is a blessing in itself.

I wish I could be there with her every step of the way. Since I can't, I ask that you all keep her in your prayers. I will be praying endlessly. Not for a miracle, but for good health and quick healing.