Thursday, February 14, 2008

My Valentine- 2007

This time of year is just depressing for me. Last year we were in "Save Jack Mode". Everyday was a struggle. I would cry often. I was exhausted. I had daily headaches from lying in bed/couch/bed/couch and crying so much. I didn't know what the air smelled/felt like except for the one day a week doctor appointment. That was the highlight of my week. I could go outside AND see my little man on the ultrasound screen. I could see his heart flutter and his tiny legs kick. He was a fighter and he tried. I tried.

Last year, my grandmother was here helping to take care of me. She would help cook and clean. She cleaned the bathtubs every other day, so it would be clean for me. I only took a bath every other day because I didn't want to risk standing up for such a long period of time. If I could avoid the pressure and stress on my pelvis I did. If I was thirsty or needed something, I would do it on the way to the bathroom, so I could limit my walking. It sucked. I was miserable but I did it. I did it to keep my baby from being born too early. It didn't work, but I wonder how things would have been differently if I didn't try.

My in-laws came over with tulips and dinner. Surprisingly they don't visit that often (whew!) but they made it a point to be with us on that day. She made petite bacon wrapped steaks, potatoes and another side dish. I really don't remember as it was a fog. I remember being uncomfortable in my seat, because I felt like my insides were going to fall out. Earlier that day, I made a Valentine card for my honey while laying down on the couch (not an easy task). I even made the envelope with is awfully crooked that I decorated with paper hearts and a silver paint pen. Classy.

The card turned out pretty cute though. I haven't looked at it until today. I forgot what it said. I just read it and it made me sad. It reads as follows:

"Thank you for loving me each and everyday. Thank you for showing me how much you care. I appreciate all the little things you do for me and our family and I'm truly blessed to have you as a husband and now as a father to our babies! I love you more and more everyday. Happy Valentine's Day My Love!"

For Valentine's Day I bought Mr. H a heart locket. I got it from H.allm.ark before I had the cerclage placed in January. At the time I had no idea what it would mean to me today. It is a heart shaped pocket piece that you can put two pictures in. I bought it because I liked it, not because I thought he would actually use it. I actually questioned giving it to him because I thought he'd never carry it. I thought it would sit in his dresser never to see daylight. I was wrong. I couldn't decide what pictures to use, but I decided to use sonogram pictures of the boys since that are our Loves. I gave it to him at dinner and he cried. He loved it. It used to be shiny and pretty and now it's worn and dull. I think I love it more now than I ever anticipated. This heart locket was not intended for me to use, but I held it when we were in the ER as Jack was barely hanging on. It gave me strength. I now sleep with this heart in my hands every night and have done so every night for the last year. I kiss it goodnight and I kiss it in the morning when I place it on my nightstand. I feel close to the boys when I carry it. During the day, Mr. H carries it in his pocket. When I miss them I open it to see their pictures. It's the best Valentine I could have asked for.

Sam (left) and Jack (right)


Rachel said...

We lost our babies around the same time of year, I believe only a few days a part.

I am glad that you have that locket to remind you and your husband of your precious sons.

Happy Valentines Day, even if if is a hard day for you.

Becky said...

Oh Monica, I know how you feel. I woke up this morning thinking about getting Derick a card. Then I remembered that for every holiday, birthday, anniversary, and just special day I've written something along the lines of "Next year we'll have something to really celebrate." I'm afraid to write it now because next year might not be any different.

You did everything you could to save your babies. I don't have to remind you of that. And you love them so fiercely, just as every mother should. The heart locket is so beautiful, and what a great reminder of the boys daily.

I'm crying for you now. If I could take away your pain and take it all on myself, I would in a heartbeat. Happy Valentines Day to all of our loves, big boys and little boys!

The Nanny said...

I've been thinking of you a lot lately. I hate that your sweet boys aren't here with you. I hate that your Valentine's Day last year was so rough.

The card & envelope you made for Mr. H. are beautiful, and the locket brought tears to my eyes.

meg said...

Monica, I love this locket so much. I am going to see if I can get one. What a truly touching story. But I am so glad that it gives you comfort.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that this time of year is so hard.I am glad that you have the locket to hold on to.Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

you do know that your boys know you love them right? That was one thought that killed me everyday, did the baby know we loved it already? They did and they do and they are still with you. I am so sorry for your losses, and sorry that it is February. I was never one for Valentine's Day myself, anyway I tell the people who are special that I love them on a whim any day, not because Hallmark said I should....and you my dear are special everyday.

froggy mommy said...

I love the locket and the story behind it!

Kristi said...

What a beautiful way to remember Sam & Jack! Holidays are bittersweet.