Jack's 5th Birthday

Tuesday the 21st, was Jack's 5th birthday. It's hard to believe it's been so long. This year I actually had to think long and hard about how old he would have been. Five, he would have been 5 years old. Wow. I can't even imagine having a five year old running around here. My mom was talking the other day about having three little boys around the house, but the truth of the matter is, if we hadn't lost Sam, we wouldn't have had Jack. If we hadn't have lost Jack, there wouldn't be a Hayden. It sucks that that's how things have to work out but our journey is what led us to where we are. I often say I wouldn't trade Hayden for anything, and the reality is I had to trade my two first born for him, only I didn't have a say in the matter.

Notice Hayden's outfit? We got that onesie from Target about 3 or 4 years ago and have saved it ever since for a son that would wear it. Jack's birthday was just that occasion. We also bought the same shirt in size 2T for later on :-)

We started the day off by heading to the cemetery to see the boys. I'm ashamed to admit that we haven't been to the cemetery since Sam's birthday in August, before Hayden was born. So this was the first time taking Hayden. We took Autumn as well and she was hovering over his car seat and caught his attention. He looks at her but not usually with that much intrigue. I just thought it was cute.

In the midst of packing up the entire house for an outing, we forgot the cleaning supplies for the headstones. I guess it doesn't really matter though. We took flowers to the boys and sang to Jack while Daddy told Hayden about his older brothers.

It was so different this year than last. Last year, we shared a grocery store cupcake for Jack's birthday. I was pregnant with Hayden but we were still unsure of how things would turn out- there were a lot of tears. This year, we were sad and missed him as we always do, but it just felt different having a live son there at the cemetery with us. Bittersweet is a good word to describe it, I guess. A few years ago, Mr. H bought an extra plot at the cemetery next to Sam and Jack just in case we ever needed it. That makes me sad to think about it, but he did it for me. He knew if we ever lost another I'd want them all together. But I can't help but think that could have potentially belonged to Hayden. I'm so thankful that he's in our arms and not in the ground. I hope and pray to God that that plot is never filled.

Later in the day, we took Hayden for a follow-up appointment for his kidneys. He got an ultrasound of his kidneys and bladder. His right kidney has improved significantly and the left is still enlarged and fluid filled, but it hasn't gotten worse over the past few months. The doctors are concerned about possible infection, but so far so good. He'll have another checkup in May. He was a good little patient.

Afterwards, we stopped by the Ronald McDonald House to visit with Ronald.

Then stopped to smell the flowers (and bees).

In other news, we got Hayden a Bumbo off of Craigslist. I waited to get him one because I wasn't sure if he'd like it, but so far he does. Sometimes when we hold him, we just tries to get away because he wants to do things on his own but he still wants to be near us. We usually keep it on the floor for safety reasons but he sat on the couch with his Poppa the other day and seemed to really enjoy it. He's such a cheeseball. You'll notice he's hanging on to his feet. That's his new thing. He found them a few weeks ago and loves to play with them. He'd rather play with his toes than any other toy. And his new trick is laying on his back, grabbing his feet and rolling on the floor, only he refuses to roll over completely, he just rolls over to his side, shifts positions, then does it again. After a few minutes, he's moved himself over a few feet.

Who needs teethers when you have cold metal coffee table legs? Yes, that's his soother of choice. Doesn't care for nubby teethers, cool gel teethers or frozen wash cloths. That is what he wants and it keeps him entertained because he can see his refelection in the chrome. He's so funny!

Happy Birthday Jack. We love you!

Remembering Our Babies

**This is an ongoing list from 2007 to current**

Today is October 15th, a day of awareness and remembrance. Please take a moment to read and speak these babies names aloud. They deserve to be acknowledged. These are the angels that I "know".

Samuel Andrew- August 15, 2006
Jackson Robert- February 21, 2007
Adrianne Miranda- August 16, 1977
Lucas Allen- June 15, 2006
Baby Ford- March 8, 2007
James Travis- August 13, 2006
Sara Elizabeth- October 2, 2006
Logan Matthew- October 25, 2006
Bailey Louise- June 9, 2006
Evan Wesley- May 24, 2007
Mikaela Gabrielle- February 12, 2006
Reef Kaiolohia- February 7, 2007
Sam T.- March 23, 2007
David K.- March 5, 1999
Madison Grace- April 1, 2007
Brionna Faith- September 11, 2002
Julia Izabelle- July 12, 2001
Rae T.- January 12, 2007
Scott Nicholas- March 22, 2007
Lilly M.
Lydia Eve- May 9, 2007
P.G. Evans- September 4, 2007
Cameron Reid- August 30, 2005
Tyler Scott- November 29, 2007
Hayden Leo Rich-Masters- January 13, 2005
Benjamin Thomas- December 31, 2003
Nicholas Joseph- June 28 - July 21, 2008
Arin & Alex- August 13, 2004
Carleigh McKenna- March 28, 2009
Ava Rose Daher- April 14, 2009
Sophia & Ellie- April 25, 2009
Harry Line- April 24, 2008
William Jared- May 29, 2009
Ethan William James- June 14 - August 1, 2008
Aiden & Sophie- April 13, 2009
McKenna Grace- March 2, 2009
Oscar Friedrich & Bella Marjorie- July 30, 2009
Emi- February 23, 2007
Daniella- May 12-13, 2008
Cooper- July 30, 2007
Brayden- March 6-7, 2008
Dylan Michael- May 8, 2006
Riley James- December 26, 2006
Ethan- May 23, 2008
L.A.M.B
Christian- January 26, 2007
Jacob- September 8, 2007
William Kelly- February 1, 2006
Harvey- July 7, 2007
Baby Franklin- February 25, 2007
Nadia & Cerina- November 18-24, 2006
Emma LaRue- September 1, 2007
Logan Thomas- August 4, 2008
Kinsey & Ryan- November 2005
Gregory- June 17, 2008
The Twins- October 2006
M- December 16, 2005
Ms. G's Baby- October 2009
Henry- January 17, 2008
Sarah's Baby Girl- September 9, 2002
Jessica Anne- May 12, 2007
Rory- May 8
Kameron Elijah- April 27, 2005
Baby McDowell- October 2009
Evan Clements Maynard- December 24, 2007
Gabriel Elliott Groce- October 19, 2009
Felix David Groce- April 4, 2008
Ethan- April 13, 2008
Michaela- February 13, 2009
Emma Jean Moelder- October 21, 2009
Tianna Michael Madison Lopes- August 20 -Sept. 27, 2009
Ashley Ariana- born sleeping at 19wks
Madeline Corinne- November 11, 2009
Brett- June 2, 2008
Ireland Elizabeth- January 26, 2010
Selena Kay- March 8, 1999
Luke- April 11, 2009
Allyson Lee- February 24, 2010
Kanin Wade Standley- January 11, 2009
Christian Noel- May 6, 2009
Grace Christian- September 2, 2010
Baby Dupuis- August 7, 2009
Baby Dupuis- December 1, 2009
Collins Babies- March 2005 & June 2006
Wyatt Daniel Keith- August 8-21, 2010
Ethan Daniel Keith- January 24, 2005
Chandler Keith- June 22, 2004
Kendall Keith- December 16, 1998
Mary Lynn Keith- December 18, 1994
Chloe Nicole Beck- June 19, 2009
Matthew Joshua- December 2, 2007
Brandon Scott- December 4, 2007
Annalyse and "Our Little Boy"- April 24, 2011
Gabriel Lee Meza- born at 18weeks
Baby Sheridan- August 17, 2009
Baby Sheridan- January 15, 2010
Johnrey McGrew- September 4, 2007
Payton Meadow- February 14, 2011
Baby Terrell- July 29, 2005
Baby Jaleyce- June 25, 2011
Jae Marie- November 17, 2010
Angelica Oas Mann- August 17, 2011
Cooper Thomas- January 7, 2009
Ashley Rose- June 21, 2011
Carson James- July 28, 2010

William Hudson Oliver- October 31 - November 1, 2011
Emma Grace Oliver- November 1, 2011
Matthew Phillips- September 30, 1976
Alexander North Bieniek- August 21, 1998
T.J McMahon- January 16, 2001

George Allen McMahon II- October 27, 2003
Todd Allen McMahon Jr- December 2, 2004
Jacob- July 24, 2006
Jonathan- August 12, 2006
Benjamin- September 27, 2011
Gissele- December 10, 2008
Kylee- January 29, 2011
Baby Arends- February 8, 2012
Baby O'hare- January 18, 2012
Ellisyn Rae- February 20, 2012

How very softly you tiptoed into our world.
Almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your tiny footprints have left upon our hearts.

__________________________________________________
Please honor your baby or a baby you know by leaving their name under comments and I will add them to the list of babies to always be remembered.

Thank you,
Monica

Happy Birthday Jack!

Happy 4th Birthday Jack!

We love and miss you so much.

Love, Momma and Daddy

P.S. Thank you to Sophie for making this special cupcake for Jack and for always remembering my sweet boy. It means so much.

Jack's Third

We started off Jack's 3rd Birthday with brunch at our house. Mr. H's parents came over to share the day with us. We had Blueberry Ricotta Pancakes and a few other breakfast essentials.



Then we went to the cemetery to see the boys and their grandparents. We cleaned off their headstones and sang happy birthday to Jack. We took them fresh flowers and a special birthday boy card from his mom and dad.



We came home to Tigger and Pooh who were waiting for us and ready to have cupcakes.

We had a beautiful day with gorgeous weather and it was all about Jack. The way it should be.

Jack, I Heart You

For the last few days I felt as if I wasn't thinking enough of Jack. Today is his birthday and all I've been thinking about is Mr. H and his upcoming birthday in a couple days. It's not that I've forgotten about him it's just overwhelming and exhausting sometimes. If you've experienced a loss then you know what I mean.

I can't ever possibly go back to those first raw moments and relive our time together. It's physically and emotionally impossible. And while I think of them every single day, several times a day, my thoughts of them are different. I guess in some weird and completely invalid way I feel like because I don't grieve for them like I did that I don't love them enough. I do and I could never love them less but each birthday is a new experience for me. And while this is his 3rd, this is the 6th birthday between the two boys. They come every 6 months whether I'm ready for them or not.

I just don't want Jack's birthday or Sam's to ever be an after thought. I want them to know (and I know they do) that I love them with all my heart and I miss them just as much as I did when I first realized that they were not going to make it. But really I think it's more than that. I feel like I need to prove to others my love for them. I know this is crazy but it's all part of the game, right? It's all part of being the best mother you can be.

I live each day for them. And for myself. I can never move on and get over it, but I can move forward. I will try.

"I never did forget your birthday and I never will." ~Mother Bear (from Little Bear by Else Holmelund Minarik)

Happy 3rd Birthday Jack!

Presence

I realize it's been a couple weeks since I last posted but it's not like anyone reads this anymore anyway, well except for maybe two of you. Thank you Kristi and Nanny for checking in one me. I've had a lot going through my mind the past week or so but the thoughts have been my own. I felt fine keeping them to myself ...sort of.

I have emailed a couple friends and I confided in another friend in person. At this point I don't really want or need to talk about what's going on but I felt I owed you (or the vast universe) an update. So here I am. Hello. how are you?

I find myself really thinking about the boys lately. I've always associated the signs of Fall- pumpkins, Autumn leaves and Halloween with Jack. I've never understood why I connected the two because Jack was born in February. But I think the connection is rather obvious now that I think of it.

We found out we were pregnant with Jack right after Halloween 2006. Right after this picture was taken :-) His name is part of Jack-o-lanterns and every time I see one or hear someone say the word, I think of my boy.

In fact when we went to pick out our pumpkins last week and I was so excited to be there. Pumpkins in all their orange globe glory make me smile. When we walked into the pumpkin patch there was a woman taking a picture of her two boys on the hay stacks with the mini pumpkins. that was a little rough, but I turned a blind eye and walked to the other side to find my perfect pumpkins. Then I heard that same woman call for her son "Jack" to come sit with his brother to take a picture. That was a stab in the heart and a few tears were shed in the middle of the pumpkin patch.

Then of course there's always the blog that you click on only to find out she's pregnant with a boy named Sam who's due at any moment now.

I have a hard time deciphering between the presence of my sons and the world just being a cruel place.

Their Names...

Written with Texas pecan tree branches. Thank you Kristi!


Spelled out with Maine blueberries. Thank you Katie!



In the sand on a California beach. Thank you Tina!



Written in blue on tree bark...


In orange on a fence...


In yellow on a bench...


In purple on bricks around a koi pond...


And a doggy "Remembering Sam". Thank you Nanny!


In colorful buttons...


and straight pins on fabric. Thank you Sophie!


I love and cherish them all. Thank you all for taking the time to remember my boys. I will never forget your generosity.

~Monica

De-Funked and A Request

Soooooo. What's up? How's it going? How are you?

Oh, you want to know how I am? Wanna know about the funk that I was so grumpy and dramatic about?

Well now that a few days have passed and I'm not so pissy I'll share. I'm trying to get over it, slowly but surely.

It all basically comes down to this cycle being a bust. I was 5 days late, then I started spotting on Sunday. I spotted for a couple days and it was faintly pink til it turned into a regular flow. I'm just irritated and frustrated.

August 1st marked 9 months. We've been trying for 9 months all for 9 more months. I just really thought this month was going to be successful. We had sex almost every other day. I propped a pillow under my butt after intercourse for 30 minutes at a time while Mr. H was showering so he didn't know I was doing it. I didn't want him to know I was so desperate. Now he knows because he's reading... (hi hon!). I'm still checking and charting cervical mucous as well as ferning. I just want it to happen already!

It took us 10 months to get pregnant with Sam. And ironically we started TTC on August 1, 2005. So really we've been at this for 4 years. Dang, that's a long time! I feel hopeful because this month could be our month, but then again I feel pressured to make it happen. I know if we don't conceive this month I will feel like a failure. I know I'm not. We're not failures but that doesn't mean I won't feel that way. I don't understand why things don't work the way they should!

That and I've been off of work for the last 5 weeks. LD and his family went home for the summer so I had some (unpaid) time off. I had to go back to work yesterday, though she tried to get me to go back earlier because she was so busy and had "so much work to do". I got to work yesterday and she asked me to stay late. I agreed, only for her to leave to go shopping with her family that's visiting. She just gets on my nerves.

Yesterday, August 5th, was Jack's due date. I don't really know what else to say about it, other than I just miss him so much and wish he were here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Next Saturday, the 15th, is Sam's 3rd birthday. I've been inspired by Carly and Sarah and I'm asking you all (if you want to) to write or spell out Sam's name, take a picture of it and E-MAIL it to me. Of course if you want to, you can do Jack's name too :-) You can go here, here or here for some inspiration.

Thank you all for listening, reading, emailing and being there for me.

Thank You Nanny!

The wonderful Nanny of The Online Nanny/College Girl Diaries also celebrated and remembered Jack on his birthday. She and her roommates (thank you ladies!) went all over her city and wrote his name in colored chalk anywhere people could see it.

According to the pictures, the weather was beautiful and sunny. His name was written on old trees, sidewalks, around monuments, on brick walkways, and steps. A grounds keeper even walked up to them and asked him who Jack was. When Nanny told him, he was saddened by the loss.

While taking pictures all over DreamSchoolCity a little squirrel followed them around, just checking things out. So sweet and curious- just like I think Jack would be.

Thank you Nanny for being so creative and remembering Jack. It means so much to me.

Thank You Sarah!

Sarah from Living la vida what the? and her son honored Jack on his birthday all the way from Australia.

They made cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to him. Her son recommended they add white chocolate chips because "Little kids love melted chocolate chips". How cute is that? And what a smart boy.

The cupcake picture was taken next to her special candle. I'm sure Jack would have loved them.

Thank you Sarah for remembering my Jack!

Thank you Katie!

When I wrote about missing Jack on his birthday a few readers and friends mentioned that they would celebrate him on his birthday as well.

Katie from Maine went on a weekend getaway with her family to Jackson, NH. She took a few pictures and sent them to me.




Thanks Katie for remembering Jack!

Oh and the recipe for Jack's Rainbow Cupcakes is finally up!