Checking In

Yesterday was Sam's 6th birthday. It didn't don on me til I was talking to my grandma the other day that he would be going to school this year and that made me so sad. We should be picking out crayons and bag packs and Batman lunch boxes. 

I know I am so blessed to have Hayden in my life and he does a great job and keeping my mind busy so I'm not constantly thinking of Sam and Jack, but he can never replace his older brothers and I don't expect him to. 

Hayden is sick again, only this time he's sneezing and has a runny nose. Mr. H took him to the doctor again and it's just a cold- no infection so we'll just have to let it's run it's course. The first night was rough because he couldn't breathe through his nose and he would wake up frustrated and whiny every 30-45 minutes. He wanted to be rocked back to sleep sitting up, which meant neither one of us got sleep. Last night was a much better night since I propped him up on the Boppy. 

We went to the cemetery yesterday to clean off the boy's headstones and to do a balloon release. Hayden was exhausted but we gave him the balloons to release into the air and he perked up a bit, though he didn't want to let them go. It was sweet to watch him squint his eyes in the sunshine and watch them fly away. We sang and took a few pictures then went home for a nap. I intended to make him cupcakes but I just ran out of time but I just took them out of the oven now and are awaiting frosting. 

My sister is in the hospital. She had to have emergency surgery on Tuesday and is doing better but she's still in a lot of pain. I wish I could go spend some time with her, but she's loopy from the medication and she's clear across town, which makes it hard to visit since Hayden isn't 100% right now either. I would let my mom babysit him, but she's been with my sister almost all day every day so that's not happening. 

We went on a roadtrip earlier in the month to see my aunt who had a baby last month. The road trip was long but it was great to see family and grandparents. Hayden got to meet family and visit the town I grew up in. I also stopped by and went to see my Dad, after not talking for nearly 6 years. That deserves a post all on it's own and I'll write about it later and share photos. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that we are still here!

Hope you all are doing well. 

~Monica

Remembering Our Babies

**This is an ongoing list from 2007 to current**

Today is October 15th, a day of awareness and remembrance. Please take a moment to read and speak these babies names aloud. They deserve to be acknowledged. These are the angels that I "know".

Samuel Andrew- August 15, 2006
Jackson Robert- February 21, 2007
Adrianne Miranda- August 16, 1977
Lucas Allen- June 15, 2006
Baby Ford- March 8, 2007
James Travis- August 13, 2006
Sara Elizabeth- October 2, 2006
Logan Matthew- October 25, 2006
Bailey Louise- June 9, 2006
Evan Wesley- May 24, 2007
Mikaela Gabrielle- February 12, 2006
Reef Kaiolohia- February 7, 2007
Sam T.- March 23, 2007
David K.- March 5, 1999
Madison Grace- April 1, 2007
Brionna Faith- September 11, 2002
Julia Izabelle- July 12, 2001
Rae T.- January 12, 2007
Scott Nicholas- March 22, 2007
Lilly M.
Lydia Eve- May 9, 2007
P.G. Evans- September 4, 2007
Cameron Reid- August 30, 2005
Tyler Scott- November 29, 2007
Hayden Leo Rich-Masters- January 13, 2005
Benjamin Thomas- December 31, 2003
Nicholas Joseph- June 28 - July 21, 2008
Arin & Alex- August 13, 2004
Carleigh McKenna- March 28, 2009
Ava Rose Daher- April 14, 2009
Sophia & Ellie- April 25, 2009
Harry Line- April 24, 2008
William Jared- May 29, 2009
Ethan William James- June 14 - August 1, 2008
Aiden & Sophie- April 13, 2009
McKenna Grace- March 2, 2009
Oscar Friedrich & Bella Marjorie- July 30, 2009
Emi- February 23, 2007
Daniella- May 12-13, 2008
Cooper- July 30, 2007
Brayden- March 6-7, 2008
Dylan Michael- May 8, 2006
Riley James- December 26, 2006
Ethan- May 23, 2008
L.A.M.B
Christian- January 26, 2007
Jacob- September 8, 2007
William Kelly- February 1, 2006
Harvey- July 7, 2007
Baby Franklin- February 25, 2007
Nadia & Cerina- November 18-24, 2006
Emma LaRue- September 1, 2007
Logan Thomas- August 4, 2008
Kinsey & Ryan- November 2005
Gregory- June 17, 2008
The Twins- October 2006
M- December 16, 2005
Ms. G's Baby- October 2009
Henry- January 17, 2008
Sarah's Baby Girl- September 9, 2002
Jessica Anne- May 12, 2007
Rory- May 8
Kameron Elijah- April 27, 2005
Baby McDowell- October 2009
Evan Clements Maynard- December 24, 2007
Gabriel Elliott Groce- October 19, 2009
Felix David Groce- April 4, 2008
Ethan- April 13, 2008
Michaela- February 13, 2009
Emma Jean Moelder- October 21, 2009
Tianna Michael Madison Lopes- August 20 -Sept. 27, 2009
Ashley Ariana- born sleeping at 19wks
Madeline Corinne- November 11, 2009
Brett- June 2, 2008
Ireland Elizabeth- January 26, 2010
Selena Kay- March 8, 1999
Luke- April 11, 2009
Allyson Lee- February 24, 2010
Kanin Wade Standley- January 11, 2009
Christian Noel- May 6, 2009
Grace Christian- September 2, 2010
Baby Dupuis- August 7, 2009
Baby Dupuis- December 1, 2009
Collins Babies- March 2005 & June 2006
Wyatt Daniel Keith- August 8-21, 2010
Ethan Daniel Keith- January 24, 2005
Chandler Keith- June 22, 2004
Kendall Keith- December 16, 1998
Mary Lynn Keith- December 18, 1994
Chloe Nicole Beck- June 19, 2009
Matthew Joshua- December 2, 2007
Brandon Scott- December 4, 2007
Annalyse and "Our Little Boy"- April 24, 2011
Gabriel Lee Meza- born at 18weeks
Baby Sheridan- August 17, 2009
Baby Sheridan- January 15, 2010
Johnrey McGrew- September 4, 2007
Payton Meadow- February 14, 2011
Baby Terrell- July 29, 2005
Baby Jaleyce- June 25, 2011
Jae Marie- November 17, 2010
Angelica Oas Mann- August 17, 2011
Cooper Thomas- January 7, 2009
Ashley Rose- June 21, 2011
Carson James- July 28, 2010

William Hudson Oliver- October 31 - November 1, 2011
Emma Grace Oliver- November 1, 2011
Matthew Phillips- September 30, 1976
Alexander North Bieniek- August 21, 1998
T.J McMahon- January 16, 2001

George Allen McMahon II- October 27, 2003
Todd Allen McMahon Jr- December 2, 2004
Jacob- July 24, 2006
Jonathan- August 12, 2006
Benjamin- September 27, 2011
Gissele- December 10, 2008
Kylee- January 29, 2011
Baby Arends- February 8, 2012
Baby O'hare- January 18, 2012
Ellisyn Rae- February 20, 2012

How very softly you tiptoed into our world.
Almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your tiny footprints have left upon our hearts.

__________________________________________________
Please honor your baby or a baby you know by leaving their name under comments and I will add them to the list of babies to always be remembered.

Thank you,
Monica

Another Birthday and An Overnight Hospital Stay

Sunday was this blogs 4 year anniversary. But I always forget about this because the very next day is Baby Sam's birthday. Only this year he would have been 5 years old, and no longer a baby.

Mr. H and I were pondering what we'd be doing, and what our lives would be like had he survived, and this year, he would have been going to Kindergarten. We would be going to Target to pick out a lunch box and crayons and a dinosaur t-shirt to wear on the first day. And it's just not like that.

I was okay for most of the day, then we went out to the cemetery that evening to visit his grave. We cleaned his and Jack's headstones, only I didn't contribute much. My belly was hurting and it was bothering me to bend over. So we sang to him and took him a tractor toy and then I lost it. I was distracted for most of the day, because I've never been pregnant on either of their birthdays, with the exception of this year. It was different in February for Jack's birthday though, because I still wasn't sure this baby would make it. Now I'm 35 weeks pregnant and it's very real.

I'm so grateful to be carrying this baby, but I can't help but think that Sam and Jack should be here. I never thought I'd be pregnant for the third time. It's just a lot to process sometimes.

All that being said, I intended to write about Sam's birthday on Tuesday, then my doctor put me back in the hospital. The protein levels in my urine went way up and she worried that my liver and kidneys weren't functioning correctly so in I went. I was only there for a little over 24 hours. I did yet another (the 6th to date) 24-hour urine collection and they monitored my BP. It went as high as 140/90 then regulated back down to a normal range. A couple weeks ago, the protein count in my urine was 560, last week it was 430 and then yesterday it was down to 304! What?! I don't know how it keeps going down, because that rarely ever happens, but I'm grateful for it.

My doctor also scheduled my c-section. She says she doesn't let patients with pre-eclampsia go past 37 weeks, so she set the date for August 31st. But the OR was booked that day, so it was moved to September 1st, which I like much better because I want this baby to have his own birth month. Now we just have to cross our fingers and hope that he continues to bake until then.

We put the crib together and washed the bedding. We washed his laundry from 0-6 months and packed his drawers and closet. The nursery isn't quite ready yet, but we are pretty much there and we have mostly everything we need for his arrival. He'll be here in 2 weeks or less! Not sure how much he'll weigh, but as of Tuesday, according to his measurements he was 5 lbs. 11 oz. Holy cow!

A Birthday Card For Sam

A couple days ago Sophie from A Loner, Dottie, A Rebel sent me this card that she made for Sam's birthday using images of his birthday flowers and footprints. I just thought it was too sweet not to share with you.

Thank you Sophie for thinking of my Sam!

Sam's 4th Birthday

I intended to share Sam's birthday photos with you sooner, but a couple days after his birthday on August 15th, our bunny died and that set me back a bit. I then got really sick for about 2 1/2 weeks but I'm finally feeling better. Here are a few photos from Sam's day.

Kristi sent me these pretty cupcake liners for my birthday (thanks Kristi!) so I utilized them for Sam's cupcakes. I thought they were fresh and fun and Summery, perfect for the hummingbird cupcakes that went in them. I chose hummingbird cake because it's a sweet fruity (pineapple and banana) cake and I thought it was something a 4 year old might like. I'm not totally sure if he would have liked them or not, but I know he would have eaten all that frosting on top of that cupcake! If you'd like the recipe, you can go here.

We sang Happy Birthday to Sam at the cemetery, but after I made these, I stuck a candle in it and sang to him all by myself in the kitchen.



Earlier in the day, I picked up fresh flowers for Mr. H's grandparents as well as for Sam and Jack. We visited each one individually and took them bouquets of flowers. The flowers above were chosen just for the boys. When I went to the grocery store to pick them out, the lady was super helpful. I told her I was needing bouquets to take to the cemetery, and she let me look in their walk-in cooler for the flowers they had just received so I could get the freshest pick. We chatted back and forth for a bit then she asked me who I was honoring and I told her I was taking them out to my sons. She smiled and got quiet and never said anything else after that. I browsed for several more minutes, then smiled and thanked her for her help.

Mr. H's parents joined us at the cemetery for a balloon release. Not one other family member called us on that day (or any other day). I was disappointed and felt like he was forgotten. But I thank my in-laws for asking about his day and wanting to be involved in our plans. I also have some really wonderful friends that either called, emailed or visited them at the cemetery- I love you guys!

After we wrote messages on our 4 balloons, we released them into the sky where they took off! It was interesting to see them soar into the vast blue sky, but remain together. We said our goodbye's, shed a couple tears that blended in with the sweat running down our faces, then we went to dinner at one of my favorite cafes. Afterwards we went home and had those yummy cupcakes.

All in all, it was a beautiful day.

Happy 4th Birthday Sam. We love you!

Four

Happy 4th Birthday Sam!

Non-Existent Future

I can't believe it's August already. I prefer Fall and Winter over this intense heat that we're having and I can't wait for the cooler weather to get here, however this heat is a reminder of Sam. He was born on one of the hottest days in our area in August 4 years ago. I don't necessarily associate the heat with him, but when I think of leaving the hospital without him I am reminded of it and how suffocating it all is.

Sam's 4th birthday is in 12 days. I all of a sudden feel strange calling it his "birthday" because he's not 4. Yes, it is his day of birth and yes, he would be 4 this year...perhaps it's the 4th anniversary of his birth??? Or just Sam's Day. Period.

We got an e-vite for Mr. H's cousin's birthday this coming weekend. He is turning 4 and is having a T.ransformers pool party. yay. I've written about this boy before and I refer to him as our shadow baby. He is where Sam should be. I don't usually think of this boy throughout the year, but when his birthday rolls around every August, I wonder about what should/could have been. I just can't go to this party. If he were having a BBQ party at the park just because, or if they invited us over hotdogs and cupcakes on a Tuesday, I'd have no problem seeing him, But you call it a 4th birthday and I go into panic mode.

In fact I was telling Mr. H about the e-vite and told him that we wouldn't stay, but that we'd drop off a birthday gift for him and within seconds my heart was beating faster and my stomach started to churn. Not a good idea. the thought of it was okay but as soon as I said it I panicked. I think I'll email his cousin and let her know that we can't make it but that we'll drop off a gift earlier in the week.

I don't even think I could handle seeing a group of 4 year olds playing together. It's just too much. I'd look at them and wonder how tall Sam would be. Would he be potty trained yet? Would he know how to swim? Would he tan easily like his dad or would he burn like his momma? Would his hair get lighter in the sun? Would it get wavy when wet? Would he jump in the pool and yell "Mom, look at me!"? When he got out of the pool would he give me wet sloppy hugs? Would his thick eye lashes clump together when wet emphasizing his big brown eyes like his Dad's? Would he get blue frosting all over his face turning his lips blue? Would he get jealous over the birthday boy's new Buzz Light Year? Would he beg me for one until he got one for his birthday? I can only wonder.

Do you think we'll still be like this when they start school? Or turn into teenagers? Or when they are of legal driving age? Will we resent all the graduates when our babies should have walked that stage too? How long does this go on? When this kid turns 30 years old, will I still be thinking of Sam and what he would be like? Will I be wondering if he was married or had a family? Will I be thinking about the career he should have had? When does this stop?

Their Names...

Written with Texas pecan tree branches. Thank you Kristi!


Spelled out with Maine blueberries. Thank you Katie!



In the sand on a California beach. Thank you Tina!



Written in blue on tree bark...


In orange on a fence...


In yellow on a bench...


In purple on bricks around a koi pond...


And a doggy "Remembering Sam". Thank you Nanny!


In colorful buttons...


and straight pins on fabric. Thank you Sophie!


I love and cherish them all. Thank you all for taking the time to remember my boys. I will never forget your generosity.

~Monica

My Summer Boy

At midnight we lit a candle for Sam. As I looked at the flickering flame I wondered if I should refer to Sam as a baby or a toddler. He'll forever be my baby but in my mind he's a rambunctious little boy.



I spent the better part of Friday baking and decorating this cake for Sam's birthday. I wanted to make him proud and I hope this cake does him justice. It's a 3 layer white and dark chocolate checkerboard cake frosted in a white chocolate buttercream and coated in a semisweet chocolate ganache.



I made butterflies and a dragonfly out of chocolate and candy melts using a method I found in this book.



Mr. H picked out these flowers to take out to Sam at the cemetery. I don't think they could have been more perfect. Sunflowers are the epitome of Summer. And since Sam was born on one of the hottest days of the year in 2006, I can't think of a more appropriate bouquet.



Here's the birthday boy with his flowers. They're not in this picture, but Monica took out a lovely bouquet and cards for both boys. Thank you sweetie.



My in-laws and little brother went with Mr. H and I to the cemetery. We sang happy birthday to him in 5 part harmony. Ha ha ha! If you could have only heard us. My in-laws (MIL) can't hold a tune in a bucket. It's so funny and we all end up laughing at some point during the birthday song no matter whose birthday it is. Bless her heart, she tries :-)



The sun was setting as we left the cemetery before heading to dinner. After dinner we devoured some cake and sang to him again.

We love you sweet boy. Happy 3rd birthday my toddler baby.

Happy 3rd Birthday Sam

Sam,

My dear boy it seems just like yesterday when you were born. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you or your brother. I wonder what you'd be like. It's sometimes hard for me to imagine a 3 year old boy running around the house, but I can visualize it. I see you- so full of life and spirit.

I miss you so very much. I wish you were here in real life and not just a memory. I long to hold you and be your mother. It's hard to believe 3 years have passed by and even though your father and I have had many ups and downs, we wouldn't change a thing. You and Jack were meant to be our sons and we are so proud to be your parents.

Today I wish you a very special birthday my little boy. I love you with all my heart.

Always,
Momma

De-Funked and A Request

Soooooo. What's up? How's it going? How are you?

Oh, you want to know how I am? Wanna know about the funk that I was so grumpy and dramatic about?

Well now that a few days have passed and I'm not so pissy I'll share. I'm trying to get over it, slowly but surely.

It all basically comes down to this cycle being a bust. I was 5 days late, then I started spotting on Sunday. I spotted for a couple days and it was faintly pink til it turned into a regular flow. I'm just irritated and frustrated.

August 1st marked 9 months. We've been trying for 9 months all for 9 more months. I just really thought this month was going to be successful. We had sex almost every other day. I propped a pillow under my butt after intercourse for 30 minutes at a time while Mr. H was showering so he didn't know I was doing it. I didn't want him to know I was so desperate. Now he knows because he's reading... (hi hon!). I'm still checking and charting cervical mucous as well as ferning. I just want it to happen already!

It took us 10 months to get pregnant with Sam. And ironically we started TTC on August 1, 2005. So really we've been at this for 4 years. Dang, that's a long time! I feel hopeful because this month could be our month, but then again I feel pressured to make it happen. I know if we don't conceive this month I will feel like a failure. I know I'm not. We're not failures but that doesn't mean I won't feel that way. I don't understand why things don't work the way they should!

That and I've been off of work for the last 5 weeks. LD and his family went home for the summer so I had some (unpaid) time off. I had to go back to work yesterday, though she tried to get me to go back earlier because she was so busy and had "so much work to do". I got to work yesterday and she asked me to stay late. I agreed, only for her to leave to go shopping with her family that's visiting. She just gets on my nerves.

Yesterday, August 5th, was Jack's due date. I don't really know what else to say about it, other than I just miss him so much and wish he were here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Next Saturday, the 15th, is Sam's 3rd birthday. I've been inspired by Carly and Sarah and I'm asking you all (if you want to) to write or spell out Sam's name, take a picture of it and E-MAIL it to me. Of course if you want to, you can do Jack's name too :-) You can go here, here or here for some inspiration.

Thank you all for listening, reading, emailing and being there for me.

Holiday Recap

I haven't had a lot to say, so I've been quiet lately. Besides that this week has been quite eventful and busy. Family was in town, 30 dozen tamales and pumpkin empanadas were being made, there has been lots of shopping and wrapping and my aunt got engaged on Christmas Eve. Congrats M and J! And I'm exhausted.

Our Christmas was good. It flew by so incredibly quick though. I don't know where the time went? Honestly. We hosted Christmas Eve dinner at our house for 10 including my in-laws. It was nice and simple. Then we spent the day at my mom's house with the entire family. Mr. H and I will ring in the New Year together, quietly at home.

Last year and the year before, we bought sterling silver ornaments for Sam and Jack with their names and birth dates on them. I do have to say that I am grateful that this year we didn't have to buy another remembrance ornament for a baby that died. I can't handle the heart ache.

Speaking of heart ache, I feel like such a bad mother. My friend, Monica, went to visit the boys and brought them ornaments and took battery operated candles out to them Christmas Eve. She even took red and white tulips for them. Someone else scattered Christmas confetti over their headstones. I did nothing. I didn't get them anything. I didn't even make time to go see them on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. What's the matter with me? I'm such a bad mother. There was so much going on, and so much family togetherness and I completely left them out. Sam and Jack, I'm so sorry. I love you so very much. Please forgive me.

**************************************


Wishing you all a better year- Happy New Year!

The Year Long Project

Several months ago I mentioned that we got a fountain for the boys. And we were going to put it up when I quit being so lazy. And we were going to place their temporary headstones out there with it. I am proud to say- almost one whole year later- that the fountain is up! But I am still lazy- we can't win 'em all.

Here is the before photo:

The total project took about 3-4 hours to complete. We marked off the area, cleared the grass and stubborn weeds. Measured out weed-blocking fabric, put it in place and anchored it with landscape edging. Then we spread out play sand underneath pavers to level off the area where the fountain would be placed. Once that was done, we put the fountain in place, checked to make sure that the pump worked (which it did) and filled it with water. Pea gravel was spread around to anchor the fountain and the stones that adorned it.

During the grass/weed removal step, we found Legos buried in the soil. Almost as if it was a sacred Lego burial ground. Little boy artifacts. Wanna know what's weird about this? We are the 3rd owners of this house and neither of the couples before us had children. The first couple was in their late 30's to early 40's. He died unexpectedly while playing basketball with some friends from a heart attack. Tragic, I know. The second couple didn't live here long as he was transferred to Colorado for business. They had children but they are grown and I highly doubt they played with Legos in the dirt. Is it a sign?

We planned to get the fountain in place by Sam's birthday, but there were bunnies living in that corner the weekend we planned this project. So we waited til they moved out and did it over Labor Day weekend. In the 100+ degree weather in the sun without shade. It was sweltering. So we set up a canopy and plugged in THE FAN. Needless to say it helped.

Here is final outcome!

A close-up of the fountain.

And a side view for good measure.

A bunny and stones from Ronald McDonald House. One for Sam, Jack and my sister, Adrianne (they mispelled her name).

Hope you guys love it as much as we do. I think it turned out great and I love going outside to look at it. It brings me peace.

* * * * * * * * *

ETA: On the box the fountain came in, was the name of the fountain in 3 different languages: English, Spanish and French. The name of the fountain is 'Playful Cherubs'. In spanish it is 'Angelitos Juguetones'. I was going to make this the title of this post, but just to be sure of the translation, I looked up the definition of angelito (little angel) and this is what they say it means- "dead child". WTF?

Little Ivory Envelope

I watched LD today, as I do every Monday.

It was a typical day. Nothing out of the ordinary.

During snack time, I went to the cabinet to get a straw for his smoothie. On the counter I saw an ivory envelope with gold calligraphy scribbled all over it. I was intrigued. I wanted to open it. I'm nosey, can you tell? They have friends all over the world, so I'm always curious to see where there headed for vacation or a wedding. So I did sneak a little peak at it, and immediately realized it was for a baby shower. I didn't recognize the sender (not that I would, I don't know their friends) so I set it back down and walked away.

And forgot about it.

I got home and Mr. H was going through the mail. He loves checking the mail. Actually he likes checking the mail when there's good stuff in it, like catalogs and magazines. He pointed to an ivory envelope on the coffee table and said "You might not want to open that".

Of course, if you tell me not to do something...then I want to do it even more. And I love all envelopes other then the typical long bill-filled white ones, because it's usually a card or invitation and I love getting mail! I picked up the mail and thought "hmm, that's weird, it's from the same person as the envelope at LD's" Then I thought "Do I know anyone that she knows?" Still I didn't get it until I opened the envelope and saw the same damn "B.A.B.Y" invite that I saw earlier in the day.

Duh, It was for her baby shower. And I am invited. How sweet.

I started to think about baby showers and the last one I had attended. It was when I was still pregnant with Sam...then a week and a half later he died. I have absolutely NO DESIRE to attend her baby shower. Other peoples' showers, maybe. But not hers.

How do I politely decline? I would normally avoid her or pretend to have not received it, but I see her 3-4 times a week. I can't avoid her. I know she'll ask me about it. What do I say- "I'm not going to your stinkin' shower" ???

Giving Back

For Sam's birthday we made a donation to Ronald McDonald House. As I've said before, the RMH together with a local grief therapist provided a free support group for families of loss. We attended 2 groups last year that helped us quite a bit so we wanted to give back.

A friend of mine also made a donation in memory of her son, so we went together. She made yummy looking chocolate chip cookies (homemade- I'm so proud of you!) and donated several household items such as laundry detergent, dish soap, coffee etc. Lots of items they'll get tons of use out of.

And I made spiral cookies and donated a gift for a two year old boy. That was my only request- that the toy be given to a well deserving (aren't they all) rambunctious little 2 year old boy. It was something Sam would have loved and I wanted another child to enjoy it as well. Luckily there was a wee one there who they were going to give the toy to- yay! I wish I could have seen him play with it.

I wrapped them in tissue, put 'em in a "Happy Birthday" box, and tied it with a bow.

I also gave a book that reminded me of my Sam :-)

And wrote a little something inside the cover.

This is the toy we chose for a 2 year old boy. It's fabric covered tools in a toolbox. The drill has a cord that vibrates when you pull it.

And this is everything all dressed up and ready to walk out the door.

If you'd like to make a donation, click HERE or contact me to find out how you can help.

All For Sam

Our morning started with staying up til 3 am making cupcakes and cookies for Sam's birthday. I attempted to wake up at 8:49 am for his birth hour, but I was confused in my sleepless stupor and thought it was 8:59, so I woke up about 10 minutes too late. That's what sleep deprivation does to you. Still, I was thinking of him all morning even though I didn't wake up in time.

We got up and went to breakfast at my Mom's house. My mom and aunt called in sick to work and my sister came over with her roommate. My grandmother made breakfast-yum! and we all spent the morning together. It was nice.

At 3, we went to the hospital to see Sam's nurse, Marsha. She helped deliver Sam and even though she wasn't there when Jack was born, she was with us the very next day. She and her husband even attended Jack's funeral. She's such a wonderful lady. We took her oatmeal raisin sandwich cookies (those are her favorite) and a Willow Tree "Remember" figurine.

Later in the evening (when it was cooler) we went to the cemetery to see Sam and Jack. My mom and grandmother joined us there. We brought them purple daisies and a pinwheel. A friend brought them flowers, lots of fun balloons, and a birthday card for Sam (thank you Monica!)

We all wrote messages on balloons and sent them flying high into the clouds. The wind was blowing like crazy and they moved quickly across the sky.

You can barely see the balloons in the last picture, but they're there.

Mr. H played "Happy Birthday" and most of "What A Wonderful World" on his trumpet as we all listened and reflected on his day. He did a great job as we all teared up. Autumn joined in on all of the fun too. All she wanted to do was run around :-)

On the way home, we stopped by Taco Bell for dinner- after all that is what he liked to eat when I was pregnant with him. We capped off dinner with red velvet cupcakes and a wish for the birthday boy.

We love you Sam!