Monday, August 2, 2010

Non-Existent Future

I can't believe it's August already. I prefer Fall and Winter over this intense heat that we're having and I can't wait for the cooler weather to get here, however this heat is a reminder of Sam. He was born on one of the hottest days in our area in August 4 years ago. I don't necessarily associate the heat with him, but when I think of leaving the hospital without him I am reminded of it and how suffocating it all is.

Sam's 4th birthday is in 12 days. I all of a sudden feel strange calling it his "birthday" because he's not 4. Yes, it is his day of birth and yes, he would be 4 this year...perhaps it's the 4th anniversary of his birth??? Or just Sam's Day. Period.

We got an e-vite for Mr. H's cousin's birthday this coming weekend. He is turning 4 and is having a T.ransformers pool party. yay. I've written about this boy before and I refer to him as our shadow baby. He is where Sam should be. I don't usually think of this boy throughout the year, but when his birthday rolls around every August, I wonder about what should/could have been. I just can't go to this party. If he were having a BBQ party at the park just because, or if they invited us over hotdogs and cupcakes on a Tuesday, I'd have no problem seeing him, But you call it a 4th birthday and I go into panic mode.

In fact I was telling Mr. H about the e-vite and told him that we wouldn't stay, but that we'd drop off a birthday gift for him and within seconds my heart was beating faster and my stomach started to churn. Not a good idea. the thought of it was okay but as soon as I said it I panicked. I think I'll email his cousin and let her know that we can't make it but that we'll drop off a gift earlier in the week.

I don't even think I could handle seeing a group of 4 year olds playing together. It's just too much. I'd look at them and wonder how tall Sam would be. Would he be potty trained yet? Would he know how to swim? Would he tan easily like his dad or would he burn like his momma? Would his hair get lighter in the sun? Would it get wavy when wet? Would he jump in the pool and yell "Mom, look at me!"? When he got out of the pool would he give me wet sloppy hugs? Would his thick eye lashes clump together when wet emphasizing his big brown eyes like his Dad's? Would he get blue frosting all over his face turning his lips blue? Would he get jealous over the birthday boy's new Buzz Light Year? Would he beg me for one until he got one for his birthday? I can only wonder.

Do you think we'll still be like this when they start school? Or turn into teenagers? Or when they are of legal driving age? Will we resent all the graduates when our babies should have walked that stage too? How long does this go on? When this kid turns 30 years old, will I still be thinking of Sam and what he would be like? Will I be wondering if he was married or had a family? Will I be thinking about the career he should have had? When does this stop?


Rachel said...

Not to be negative, but I don't think it will ever stop, at least when it comes to the big stuff like graduations and milestone birthdays. Sam (and Jack too) will always be the boys that you never got to know. I do think the suffocating feeling will go away eventually, but I don't know when.

When my aunt was here she brought up the baby she lost between my cousins, it's been 25ish years and she still thinks about that baby. I don't think she is sad about it still, but it is still a big part of who she is.

Monica, I'll be thinking of you all this month, but especially on the 15th.

jaded said...

I beleive we will always wonder...I just hope that the sting will lessen.

I'll be thinking of Sam...

Anonymous said...

I lost my son two years ago at 7 weeks of age...I will never stop wondering...I don't think it's possible...and I can relate to your feelings exactly...


Virginia said...

I don't think you ever stop wondering - how can you? Ben's story ends when my story does, on the day I die. Milestones are especially hard, but one day I'll run out of milestones - I can't know when he would have married, or had children, but the other things - graduations, etc. Yeah. They are still waiting for me.

Hugs, honey.

sapphireblue said...

I'll be thinking of you. Hugs!

Kristi said...

I can definitely relate. The milestones & birthdays are tough.

You can only do as much as you're comfortable with when it comes to little ones' birthdays.

Thinking of you!!

Travelwahine said...

It doesn't stop Monica. This I've come to accept, and to me it seems the more time that passes from Ethan's birth, the more I do "what if". I, too, look at all of the 2 year olds and think the same thing, "would Ethan look like that". It's what we DBM do, isn't it :)

I am wishing Sam a very Happy Birthday in heaven!!!!

Peaceful thoughts your way. Be easy on yourself, don't push yourself. And I like the idea of Sam's Day. Love it.

Many hugs your way.

Teena in Toronto said...

It's crazy how fast the summer is going by!

Happy blogoversary :)