Non-Existent Future

I can't believe it's August already. I prefer Fall and Winter over this intense heat that we're having and I can't wait for the cooler weather to get here, however this heat is a reminder of Sam. He was born on one of the hottest days in our area in August 4 years ago. I don't necessarily associate the heat with him, but when I think of leaving the hospital without him I am reminded of it and how suffocating it all is.

Sam's 4th birthday is in 12 days. I all of a sudden feel strange calling it his "birthday" because he's not 4. Yes, it is his day of birth and yes, he would be 4 this year...perhaps it's the 4th anniversary of his birth??? Or just Sam's Day. Period.

We got an e-vite for Mr. H's cousin's birthday this coming weekend. He is turning 4 and is having a T.ransformers pool party. yay. I've written about this boy before and I refer to him as our shadow baby. He is where Sam should be. I don't usually think of this boy throughout the year, but when his birthday rolls around every August, I wonder about what should/could have been. I just can't go to this party. If he were having a BBQ party at the park just because, or if they invited us over hotdogs and cupcakes on a Tuesday, I'd have no problem seeing him, But you call it a 4th birthday and I go into panic mode.

In fact I was telling Mr. H about the e-vite and told him that we wouldn't stay, but that we'd drop off a birthday gift for him and within seconds my heart was beating faster and my stomach started to churn. Not a good idea. the thought of it was okay but as soon as I said it I panicked. I think I'll email his cousin and let her know that we can't make it but that we'll drop off a gift earlier in the week.

I don't even think I could handle seeing a group of 4 year olds playing together. It's just too much. I'd look at them and wonder how tall Sam would be. Would he be potty trained yet? Would he know how to swim? Would he tan easily like his dad or would he burn like his momma? Would his hair get lighter in the sun? Would it get wavy when wet? Would he jump in the pool and yell "Mom, look at me!"? When he got out of the pool would he give me wet sloppy hugs? Would his thick eye lashes clump together when wet emphasizing his big brown eyes like his Dad's? Would he get blue frosting all over his face turning his lips blue? Would he get jealous over the birthday boy's new Buzz Light Year? Would he beg me for one until he got one for his birthday? I can only wonder.

Do you think we'll still be like this when they start school? Or turn into teenagers? Or when they are of legal driving age? Will we resent all the graduates when our babies should have walked that stage too? How long does this go on? When this kid turns 30 years old, will I still be thinking of Sam and what he would be like? Will I be wondering if he was married or had a family? Will I be thinking about the career he should have had? When does this stop?