Monday, September 29, 2008

Shitty Day

I had kind of a shitty day. I really tried for it not to be, but it was.

I tried to register for the Race for the Cure in November, but I didn't realize it costs to walk. I'm sure this is customary for all races, 5K's, 10K's, marathons etc. to charge an entry fee, but you can tell from the size of my hips this is not something I do on a regular basis. The only other thing I've done was the March Of Dimes (last year) and they didn't charge per person to walk and show support.

My grandma was excited when I told her we were thinking about walking for her. She just completed her race this weekend. My Grandma wanted my mother and aunt to participate as well, but if we all walk (like she wants) we'll have to come up with over $210 just to enter. That doesn't include any fundraising. I was reading the registration info and it says that 75% goes back into cancer research, and the other amount goes towards bottled water, snacks, and "free" t-shirts. This kind of irritates me.

I asked my aunt (the one who walked with my grandparents) about it, knowing full well she'd make me feel like a cheap-ass for not wanting to fork over $60 TO WALK. She works at a breast center, so they all walked together. I thought maybe she got a deal from her job, and that's how they afforded to walk. Come to find out, they got a senior citizen discount (half off). My aunt's reply was something like this "Do what you need to do...your grandma has done so much for you...priorities, blah blah blah" I asked my other aunt (the one who lives here) and my mom if they'd walk with me. My aunt said she's participating in a diabetes walk instead and my mom is going out of town. So it looks like I am the one feeling guilty and I am the only one trying to make this work. Bull shit.

Today was the first day I met LD's grandmother. I thought she'd be really sweet and caring and grandma like. She half ass shook my hand and never looked at me again the rest of the day. She doesn't speak English, so maybe that's her excuse or maybe I'm not good enough to take care of her grandson. Whateva. LD's mom asked me to stay late today since I took off last Monday. She, her friend and her mom went shopping for 5 hours at BRU. They showed up exactly at 6 to pick LD so they can continue running errands. It was a lonely day. I felt like hired help.

And their dumb ass, bottomless pit of a dog ate my lunch. Little Dude was sleeping, so I sat down to eat my oh-so-good-freshly-made sandwich. I took 3 bites before he woke up. His new trick is to climb out of his crib and knock on the door for you to come get him. I rushed over to him and left my sandwich behind. As soon as I started to change his diaper, I heard my plate hit the floor. I put LD back in his crib, ran to save my sandwich only to find there was only a slice of oat-nut bread and lettuce left on the floor. I yelled at the dog (called him a few names) and went back to get LD. He was standing in his crib with his diaper off and he took the sheet off his mattress. He has also learned to open the security gate by pulling at the bottom corner. I tightened it as much as I could, but he still got out 4 TIMES today. Ugh.

My back and neck were hurting and I almost called Mr. H to bring me some pain pills, but I didn't want to fall asleep on the job, so I didn't call. I didn't have any Tylenol or ibuprofen to take either, so I just had a slice of pumpkin pie in attempts to make things better. It kind of helped.

Mr. H called me halfway through my day. It was nice to hear his voice. He only had bad news. We have to return the rental car, because their insurance isn't going to pay for it anymore ($40/day). They have decided that our car isn't worth fixing and because they are closing the claim and writing us a check they are no longer obligated to pay for the rental. Although I still don't have my car back. They are willing to pay us retail value of the car (about $6500 as opposed to $4500). If we keep the car to fix it, they will give us this amount less the salvage value (about $1200). If we decide to let them keep it (total it) they'll give us the retail value plus the salvage value. The salvage value is the amount the salvage yard will part the car for, which basically means they'll take it apart and sell all the pieces. How sad.

We're going tomorrow to get the results of the x-rays taken at the chiropractor's office last Friday. Next Tuesday we will be going to get a second opinion at the orthopedic specialists office.

Today sucked big donkey dick. How was your day? Got any good news?

Friday, September 26, 2008

"Where's The Caramel?"

Lori you asked for it, so here it is!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Pain In The Neck

A couple of you have emailed or called to see how we are, so thank you.

It's been pretty quiet around here. We went to the wrecker yard on Tuesday to look at the car and take pictures. In some ways it didn't seem as bad as I remembered, but in others it seems worse.

In this picture, the bumper is bent, the front guard is cracked, the hood was shoved up and over about 4 inches and it doesn't open. The light assembly on the passenger side is shattered and the metal around it is in shreds. It's amazing how something so tough (metal) can just disintegrate in a matter of moments. The damage doesn't look so bad, but there is slight frame damage and that's where the big bucks come in.

Also the air bags deployed and that jacks up the estimate by about $2000. The driver door only opens about a foot because the whole front was shoved over- ugh.

Moving on, we went to the ER Monday (minor emergency) to get checked out. We went there rather than to our regular docs because we both wanted to get checked out by the same person. He gave us muscle relaxants and pain meds. I was hoping I wouldn't need them, but my neck and lower back have been killing me. The right side of my neck more than anything. Mr. H is having trouble sleeping and is more anxious than ever- thanks universe for fucking us over once again. I do realize it could be so much worse, but why??? It's so frustrating.

We are going to see a chiropractor tomorrow afternoon. We'll see what he has to say. Aaron has been having back pain as well. He missed a half day of school on Monday and half a day today. Monday he went to see his pediatrician (which he claims to be too old for) and today he went to see an orthopedic specialist. He has recommended physical therapy for two weeks, then he'll be re-evaluated. The doctor did extensive 360-degree x-rays and thinks he might have a slight fracture in one of his discs (which is apparently a common occurrence in auto accidents). This stinks.

Good news- the lawyer friend of my in-laws is on board. He has already contacted the insurance company and sent them a letter telling them he was representing us and to back off. They have. He also told us that most likely the cost to repair the vehicle will not be disputed. Yay us! We're not in this for the money, but it doesn't hurt either. I don't know how people go around getting in intentional wrecks and pretending to be hurt just to get reimbursed for their "pain and suffering". This is tough work. I guess everyone's gotta make a living- only some chose to do it honestly.

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My grandma is walking this weekend in the K.omen Race for the Cure along with my aunt and grandfather. I am so proud of her, I wish I was going to be there with her. I'd hold her hand and cry with her every step of the way. Oh, I love her. The walk here is the first of November, and I'm hoping to go. BTW, she melted a toaster on the stove the other day. There's a melty gaping hole in the bottom of it...lol. Just another reason why I love her :-)

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More good news- LD's mom hasn't said anything about rescheduling the baby shower. And I wanted to ask, but I figured if she did change the date she would have said something. Her mother and friend from V.enezuela and S.pain are coming int his weekend. Her mom is staying til January. Yeah you read that right, over 3 months, and her friend for 2 weeks. And she still wants me to be there on my normal days so she can go "shopping". In fact she asked me to work an extra day next week since I took a day off this week. Again, so she can go shopping. Whatever.

One more thing, I don't know why I go into the nursery. I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment. And I opened the new dresser expecting it to be empty. It wasn't. It was full of newborn onesies, bibs, socks, gowns and hats. I just wanted to take them all out of the drawer and smell them. I wanted to touch them all and rub them against my cheek. Why do I go in there?

Time to log off, the pain meds are kicking in...wee!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Monday, September 22, 2008


Okay, so I owe you all a few details.

Mr. H and I had just picked up Aaron from my mom's house and were going home at around 6:30pm . Our house is 3 miles away and a narrow 2 lane road connects them. We got half way there when the accident happened.

Off the road is a side street that leads to a neighborhood. The speed limit was 45 mph. Ahead of us, on the right, were 2 cars at a stop sign. The first car took off from the stop sign with plenty of space between us and it. The second car took off right after the first- kind of a stop and roll- a yield (kinda). Except we were fast approaching. Mr. H was driving, I was on the passenger side, and Aaron was sitting behind me.

He started honking at her thinking she would realize we were *right there*, but she kept going. Mr. H swerved to the left trying to avoid the car by going around it, but it was inevitable she wasn't stopping. She crashed into the front right corner of the car. The air bags deployed and we wound up in a field across the street. It all happened so damn fast.

I've always thought that if I were ever in a car accident (this was my first) I wouldn't get whip lash. My child/pet/stuff wouldn't fly through the windshield, because I'd put my arm out and stop it. Yeah right! It happened so fast I didn't even have time to think of what was happening. I was worried about Aaron because I didn't know where her car would collide into ours. I didn't know how bad the damage would be. No, my life did not flash before my eyes, but it was a little scary. Shocking to say the least. In the seconds before the cars hit eachother, Mr. H yelled out and I thought he was hurt, so that only worried me more.

Once the airbags blew up in our faces, I knew it was serious. It immediately burned our skin and it smelled like smoke. Like something was burning. That kind of freaked me out. We got out of the car, called 911 and waited for the police to come. None of us seemed to be hurt, which is a good thing, but we are a little sore in the usual areas- neck, back, shoulder, collar bone (from the seatbelt). We have a few scratches, bruises and burns, mostly from the airbags, but we are okay.

Mr. H keeps blaming himself because he thinks if he had braked sooner, if he swerved in the opposite direction, if we was going a little slower, if, if, if... he could have avoided it. We could have done all those things, but the bottom line is, if she had stopped at the stop sign instead of running through it, we wouldn't be where we are. Can I hear an 'Amen'?

The cops arrived, took our statements, and found the other driver at fault. She swears she stopped at the stop sign, and looked both ways before turning. Well she must be blind and deaf, because I don't know how she missed us. What really pisses me off is that the cop had to physically tell her how to stop at an intersection. "You need to come to a complete stop, look both ways, then proceed..." How did she get her license? (I have a few funny ideas about how she got one, but I won't share them here :-P)

She is a middle eastern woman driving a fairly new Lexus with 3 KIDS UNDER THE AGE OF 4 IN THE BACK SEAT! Not only could we have been seriously hurt, but she could have killed her kids. Dumb bitch! People like that really chap my hide.

We went to retrieve the police report this morning and in it she claims we hit her. Whatever. The first car that was in front of her, turned around after witnessing the accident in her rear view mirror. She gave her statement to the cops, so that's on file as well. They can say whatever they want, but she's the one who got the ticket. And that has to stand for something.

I have a nice car (I think). It's a '98 Explorer Limited. It's not a "wow!" car, and it's certainly not a luxury car, but it's my car. It's the only car I've ever owned (and it was paid off) and it was a CLEAN car. The interior looked like a brand new car. Mr. H is very much a car nut and he takes pride in maintaining my car. Earlier in the day, he took it to get inspected, and get the oil changed. Just last weekend he changed the brakes by himself. Earlier in the year we had the transmission rebuilt. We have put at least $5000 into this car this year alone.

They are talking about totalling the car because it's 10 years old and it's going to cost more to fix it then it is worth according to NADA. The problem is we have put so much time and money into maintaining this car. A car salesman over the weekend asked a confused, "why?" in response to the amount we have put in to the car. The thing is, a car is an investment. It's like a home. You add to it. You fix things that go wrong. You improve it's performance. You take care of it. You don't toss it out like a used sponge and buy another one everytime it starts to smell. Sure, if it's a POS, then go ahead, but mine wasn't. It was good to me.

They say it's worth $4500 and I think that's bullshit. There is no way we can replace my exact car in the condition it is in for that amount. No way! Sure we can find another car, but it's not going to be fully loaded like mine was. And if it is, we can't afford that with the amount they're offering. And why should we have to make payments on a car because some freakin' idiot doesn't know how to stop at a stop sign?

We looked at a few cars this weekend. Some I even liked. It was exhausting though. There's so much out there and we haven't car shopped in a long time. We also picked up a rental car today. It's a 2008 white Explorer. It's nice but it doesn't have the character mine did. We also went to the ER today to get checked out- just in case. He gave us scripts for V.icodin and and muscle relaxants- woo hoo! Oh, and Mr. H spoke to a family friend who just happens to be a personal injury lawyer. His specialty? Screwing over insurance companies :-)

Happy Autumn Y'all!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Friday Night Lights

We got in a wreck. The idiot driver ran a stop sign. My poor beloved car is going to be totalled. I am upset and angry, but we are not hurt. I didn't really feel like blogging, but Aaron was appalled because I hadn't already done so- so here I am. Got any questions?

Photo credits: Aaron (he made me add that!)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Here We Go Again

A brief conversation between me and A (LD's mom) today about the baby shower.

A: "I think I'm going to cancel the baby shower."

Me: "Why?"

A: "Because M (the host) is not feeling well and I don't want her to have to go through all the trouble of getting everything ready, if she doesn't feel good. We'll just do it another time."

Me: "okay."

A: "Maybe then you'll be able to come."

Me: "uh huh" (damn it!)

What now ?
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ETA: I realize while this is a very minor problem, it's still an issue I have to deal with. But it does not, in any way, compare to what the hurricane Ike victims are dealing with now. Check out these photos. They are devastating, gut wrenching, shocking, sad. My heart goes out to each and every one of them.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I Did It!

I declined the invitation (without lying) to the baby shower. Then I shredded it! And I don't feel the least bit guilty. But just so I wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings (because I worry about this all the time!) I added a pretty pastel background to the email and made the font a fun color. This is what I said:

"I am sorry to say, I will not be able to attend A's baby shower. Hope everyone has a great time!"

~Monica H

I hope she doesn't bring it up when I see her tomorrow.

Thanks everyone for your input and suggestions on how to handle this. Now, just so I get this straight- Who am I hanging out with that weekend instead of going to the shower?

Monday, September 15, 2008

Dog Years

You may be wondering how I get Autumn to sit so still while I put a ridiculously homemade (out of a paper funnel, markers and yarn) hat on her head. I bribe her with "C-O-O-K-I-E-S". We have to spell it out or she'll know what we're talking about :-)
"I will not look at the camera!"

"Get away from me you crazy lady!"

"Are you happy now!" As she gives me the evil eye.

"Ooh, cookies!"

"Now get that stupid hat off me!"

Happy Birthday Autumn!


Friday, September 12, 2008

The Year Long Project

Several months ago I mentioned that we got a fountain for the boys. And we were going to put it up when I quit being so lazy. And we were going to place their temporary headstones out there with it. I am proud to say- almost one whole year later- that the fountain is up! But I am still lazy- we can't win 'em all.

Here is the before photo:

The total project took about 3-4 hours to complete. We marked off the area, cleared the grass and stubborn weeds. Measured out weed-blocking fabric, put it in place and anchored it with landscape edging. Then we spread out play sand underneath pavers to level off the area where the fountain would be placed. Once that was done, we put the fountain in place, checked to make sure that the pump worked (which it did) and filled it with water. Pea gravel was spread around to anchor the fountain and the stones that adorned it.

During the grass/weed removal step, we found Legos buried in the soil. Almost as if it was a sacred Lego burial ground. Little boy artifacts. Wanna know what's weird about this? We are the 3rd owners of this house and neither of the couples before us had children. The first couple was in their late 30's to early 40's. He died unexpectedly while playing basketball with some friends from a heart attack. Tragic, I know. The second couple didn't live here long as he was transferred to Colorado for business. They had children but they are grown and I highly doubt they played with Legos in the dirt. Is it a sign?

We planned to get the fountain in place by Sam's birthday, but there were bunnies living in that corner the weekend we planned this project. So we waited til they moved out and did it over Labor Day weekend. In the 100+ degree weather in the sun without shade. It was sweltering. So we set up a canopy and plugged in THE FAN. Needless to say it helped.

Here is final outcome!

A close-up of the fountain.

And a side view for good measure.

A bunny and stones from Ronald McDonald House. One for Sam, Jack and my sister, Adrianne (they mispelled her name).

Hope you guys love it as much as we do. I think it turned out great and I love going outside to look at it. It brings me peace.

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ETA: On the box the fountain came in, was the name of the fountain in 3 different languages: English, Spanish and French. The name of the fountain is 'Playful Cherubs'. In spanish it is 'Angelitos Juguetones'. I was going to make this the title of this post, but just to be sure of the translation, I looked up the definition of angelito (little angel) and this is what they say it means- "dead child". WTF?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Wordless Wednesday- Shadows

For a funny Wordless Wednesday, go here :-)

Monday, September 8, 2008

Little Ivory Envelope

I watched LD today, as I do every Monday.

It was a typical day. Nothing out of the ordinary.

During snack time, I went to the cabinet to get a straw for his smoothie. On the counter I saw an ivory envelope with gold calligraphy scribbled all over it. I was intrigued. I wanted to open it. I'm nosey, can you tell? They have friends all over the world, so I'm always curious to see where there headed for vacation or a wedding. So I did sneak a little peak at it, and immediately realized it was for a baby shower. I didn't recognize the sender (not that I would, I don't know their friends) so I set it back down and walked away.

And forgot about it.

I got home and Mr. H was going through the mail. He loves checking the mail. Actually he likes checking the mail when there's good stuff in it, like catalogs and magazines. He pointed to an ivory envelope on the coffee table and said "You might not want to open that".

Of course, if you tell me not to do something...then I want to do it even more. And I love all envelopes other then the typical long bill-filled white ones, because it's usually a card or invitation and I love getting mail! I picked up the mail and thought "hmm, that's weird, it's from the same person as the envelope at LD's" Then I thought "Do I know anyone that she knows?" Still I didn't get it until I opened the envelope and saw the same damn "B.A.B.Y" invite that I saw earlier in the day.

Duh, It was for her baby shower. And I am invited. How sweet.

I started to think about baby showers and the last one I had attended. It was when I was still pregnant with Sam...then a week and a half later he died. I have absolutely NO DESIRE to attend her baby shower. Other peoples' showers, maybe. But not hers.

How do I politely decline? I would normally avoid her or pretend to have not received it, but I see her 3-4 times a week. I can't avoid her. I know she'll ask me about it. What do I say- "I'm not going to your stinkin' shower" ???

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Stop And Smell The Pink Roses

“Give the Pink Rose Award to those who inspire you or need to be inspired, to those who have encouraged you or those who need encouragement.”

The Pink Rose Award was given to me by Jaded Me at A.View.From.This.Place. Thank you for thinking of and honoring me and my boys. It means so much.

The one requirement was to give this to someone deserving, so I give this pink rose to you all. You all in some way or another have inspired, encouraged, and supported me. So thank you.

For Monica, Kristi and Lori because you have become such great supportive friends. Monica, you visit the boys and honor them and you encourage me through rough times (usually over lunch :-). Kristi, you remember me even though we no longer live in the same city. You call me and send me sweet little goodies to brighten my day and I appreciate it. Lori, for opening up and sharing and for letting me talk about myself. Sometimes we just need a friend to listen.

For Chrystina, because you always know just what to say and to make me feel better. For Erica, because despite having brain surgery you are so selfless and you pray for others rather than asking for people to pray for you (but I do, btw). Thank you for supporting me in spite of all the other crap you have to deal with in your own lives.

For Becky, Mrs. Muelly, JadedMe, Sam and Meg because despite your own devastating losses, you still support and encourage others who are in the "club". Becky, you give me hope. Mrs. M, you are an inspiration. J, you are true to yourself, and inspire me to be the same way. Even though you have given this award to me, I give it back to you! Sam, you're hopefully optimistic and it's contagious. Meg, you amaze me and keep me going.

For Antigone, Niobe, Reese, JGirl, Coggy, and Basil Bean because you are all expecting a baby. You encourage others through your stories and you give others who would normally feel hopeless, a little glimmer of hope. You may not always feel it, but you're all strong women and it's inspiring.

For Ms. G, Virginia, Sarah, MKV, Holly, Rachel, Heidi, Amy B, Wannabe Mom and Froggy Mom because you offer support to me and other deadbaby mamas after your losses and through the births of your new babies. Your stories, lives and babies encourage us to keep going. You are our future.

And for Nanny, because even though you have never been pregnant or had a loss, you read our blogs and offer encouragement to all of us who have. You read because you "don't want to take anything for granted" because you know these things could happen to you. That's admirable but I hope and pray they don't.

I honor and thank you for being my virtual friends. I'd be lost without you.

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1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.

2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.

3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.

4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

Friday, September 5, 2008


I attempted to sit down and write a post, but I wound up changing a few things on this blog instead. The major thing being the header.

It just felt too cheery-- too optimistic. I liked the picture and what it stood for, but I felt the bright colors were almost a slap in the face. I don't know how to explain it...but this new look matches my mood, my insides.

This is a piece of deadbaby jewelry that I wear everyday- a hammered heart, with a smaller heart carved out of it. I wear one for each of my boys.

Here is a more detailed picture (actually, this is the picture I wanted to use as the header, but it was way too big- I sort of like the subtle-ness of the other better):

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Wordless Wednesday- Bunny Wabbit

This little guy (about a week old) was found by our back porch nestled in the grass. I couldn't decide which one was cuter- so you get them all!

Monday, September 1, 2008

That's Love

Me: Hey Aaron, Do you love me?

Aaron: (nods his head)

Me: How much?

Aaron: Let's just say I'd have my toe nail ripped off for you.

Now that's love!