Merry Christmas

Wishing you all the merriest of Christmases. Our babies may not be in our arms, but they are always in our hearts.

Blessings to you all,

Monica and Mr. H

Still Here

Hello all. Thank you Nanny, Rachel and Sarah for emailing me to check in on me.

I guess I've struggled with what to say here. With what's important enough to say. I think about it and think about it then too much time has passed after what I was going to blog about so I just let it go and fill in the blanks with pictures.

I've been okay. Just decorating and baking and trying not to think about the fact that my boys aren't here with us and I'm not pregnant. I guess really I'm just trying to live my life without dwelling on the things that I cannot change.

I feel like an asshole because I haven't been out to see the boys since Halloween. Yes, I realize it's almost Christmas and two months later. Don't tell me that's okay and normal because while all the other kids at the cemetery have snowmen and penguins adorning their headstone mine still have withered pumpkins. It's not that I've forgotten about them, I just can't seem to make myself go.

I did have one down moment a couple weeks ago. Mr. H was putting up stockings and he pulled out some blue and white striped stockings that I bought last year at an after Christmas sale for the boys. But I forgot that I bought 3- one for Sam, one for Jack and one for the child we were supposed to have here with us this Christmas. It made me sad and I had to pack them away.

We went to the Dr. on the 5th. I decided that me avoiding making an appointment with my gyno just because I was afraid of the "secondary infertility" label was stupid. I made the appt. back in November so it gave me time to prepare. I was prepared to take notes and learn of all the things we could do to improve our chances of conception, but I left there with 3 options- in order of the doctors recommendations.

1. Wait it out and keep trying on our own for 6 months
2. Get on BC to suppress my ovaries for 3 months
3. Take Cl0mid

Here's what I feel about them. We could wait it out and keep trying on our own, but isn't that what we're already doing? I could have waited 6 more months before I made that appt and would that have still been her suggestion? I feel like getting on BC is taking a step backwards. I expressed this to my doctor and she said I needed to get over that mental block. My concerns were valid but that that it was less invasive than Cl0mid and it could still work. She said she'd call in a Rx for Cl0mid if I wanted but she's concerned of the risk of multiples especially with my weak cervix. If my cervix can't bear the weight of one baby how can it carry two or three?! The risk of multiples is 8%.

She also suggested we make an appt for Mr. H to get a se.men analysis. The fertility clinic was closed that after noon and we have yet to make that appt. I'm waiting to see if I get a visit from AF this month first before we waste time and money on that.

That's where I am on all that. Not much else going on. Just trying to get through the holidays and stay sane.

Wordless Wednesday- With and Without Flash

Wedding Day

Here are some pics of my aunts wedding. She looked really pretty. In this picture is my mom, sister, me and grandma along with the bride.

My grandpa and uncle walking her down the aisle.

I didn't realize my brother and cousin were going to be escorts in the wedding until the day before the wedding. They're just so cute. Here they are walking my grandma back to her seat after lighting the one of the candles.

And here are the bride and groom lighting the unity candle.

My beautiful sister. I didn't really get a good picture of her all dolled up but she was the prettiest one up there.

The HUGE wedding cake. If I remember correctly, the cake was vanilla and chocolate. There was a ton leftover and we brought some home but we left it with our in-laws so I didn't get any more.

The interesting grooms cake. I'm not sure what flavor it was. It was a very light pinkish peach color. It smelled like strawberry but tasted like liquor. Not sure about that one.

They were just pronounced Husband and Wife. I wish them a lifetime of health and happiness.

Exterior Illumination

Mr. H loves Christmas. It's by far his favorite holiday. Not because of the presents (but those don't hurt) but because of the decorations. He loves lights and trees and sparkly shiny things. And "the bigger the better" is his motto when it comes to decorating the house. If he could get away with decorating our home like the Griswold house he would.

I love you hon, and I think you did a wonderful job!

Before:

After:

I love this little guy. We got him our first Christmas in this house. We didn't have any other decorations and we picked him up on a whim right before Christmas for 50% off at Albertson's. He's just so cute!

A closer look...

Happy Holidays!

Components

The Day After

Happy Thanksgiving!

from these two turkeys :-)

ETA: These cookies were purchased from Cookies & Cups.

Graffiti

Do you know where I am?



Here's another hint...



Cadillac Ranch! Mr. H and I went to Cadillac Ranch the day of the wedding to kill some time. The ceremony wasn't until 7:30 so we fooled around most of the day and made a pit stop at the ranch.



Off historic Route 66 are 10 Cadillacs half buried nose down in a wheat field. They range in years from 1948-1963 and have been a roadside attraction since 1974.



Over the years they have been graffitied and are currently caked in paint inches deep mutating the original lines of the car. It's really neat to see but it's kind of sad too. It's like a graveyard of sorts for these old Caddy's.



In 2002, they restored the vehicles to their original colors but were eventually covered up again. One year later, in 2003, the Caddy's were painted black to represent the passing of one of the founding members of art installation.



More recently, the cars were painted yellow.

We were just there to check things out and to take pictures but there were 2 lovely ladies that handed us a can of spray paint and rubber gloves so Mr. H made his mark.

It's official, we're a part of Cadillac Ranch history. He wrote the boys names too but they didn't come out so clearly.

It was fun and I can't believe that I used to live in that part of the country and never made it there. I'm glad we were able to go together.

Peace and love,

Monica

Road Trip

Mr. H and I went to my aunt's (I almost typed funeral ha ha!) wedding last weekend. It was kind of an emotional time for me. I was sad, I was happy, I was mad, I was relieved. More on that later, but here are some photos from our 8 hour drive up there.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Wordless Wednesday- Traffic Light Tomatoes

A Beautiful Man

I love you Babe.

Happy Halloween!

An Explanation

I'm sorry for the last post. Well not really sorry, but I didn't mean to make any of you feel like I didn't appreciate your friendship. Sarah, you in particular.

I just get in my ruts, at least a couple times a month, where I feel let down by the world. It's a stupid selfish feeling and it's all because I can't have what I want. I know that you can all relate.

I just feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck sometimes. Looking at me you couldn't tell, but my spirit is crushed. I feel defeated. I know that some of you can relate to what I'm feeling at this very moment and some of you have no idea what's running through my mind. And that's okay. My last post wasn't meant to be a roll call to see who actually read my blog, but it did confirm who doesn't. And that hurts a little.

It just seems that everyday is a roller coaster ride for me. I'm up and I'm down. I cry then I'm over it and move on. I'm exaggerating a little bit. Not every day is like this but enough to make a difference. According to my boss there's a "baby explosion" happening in this country. And she feels the need to tell me weekly about all her pregnant friends and family, including the one who is pregnant with twins and is naming them Juan Pablo and Pablo Juan (no lie). Every week. "Everyone is just getting pregnant!" Well no, not everyone. I haven't told her what's going on with us because I don't want her to know our business and I don't need the questions that follow. And just think if I had told her a year ago when we started TTC, there would be questions, and feeling sorry for me. And would it make her think twice about opening up her mouth about all the preggos of the world? Probably not.

It's not just her friends that are pregnant either. It's everywhere. It's on many many blogs that I read too which makes me want to shut the laptop and never open it back up. But then I remember that you all are my support system and that would be like turning my back on you and that's not fair. At the same time, it hurts to read some of your blogs. I can't relate at this moment to your parenting problems, or your crying babies and sleepless nights. I can't relate to your growing bellies and that renewed excitement. I can't relate to your nausea so please excuse me if I don't read or comment on your blogs as much. I try, I really do. I subscribe to 130 blogs and I try and read all of them when updated, but sometimes I open up my reader and I'm stuck at the first paragraph unable to read any further. It's paralyzing for me. But know I'm still here.

That's all for now. I just felt like I needed to explain myself a little better. There have been other things but mostly the feeling of being lapped again. I feel like I'm in a different category all together. I just want others who can relate and tell me I'm not alone. I want others who struggle just the same and while I know they're out there it doesn't make me feel any better. As Rachel said, there isn't anything you can do to change my situation or make me feel better. I don't expect you to, because I don't even know how to help myself.

It just seems that my life is one big waiting game while the rest of the world moves on and lives their life. I want to move on and live my life too and I'm not sure how to do that.

Presence

I realize it's been a couple weeks since I last posted but it's not like anyone reads this anymore anyway, well except for maybe two of you. Thank you Kristi and Nanny for checking in one me. I've had a lot going through my mind the past week or so but the thoughts have been my own. I felt fine keeping them to myself ...sort of.

I have emailed a couple friends and I confided in another friend in person. At this point I don't really want or need to talk about what's going on but I felt I owed you (or the vast universe) an update. So here I am. Hello. how are you?

I find myself really thinking about the boys lately. I've always associated the signs of Fall- pumpkins, Autumn leaves and Halloween with Jack. I've never understood why I connected the two because Jack was born in February. But I think the connection is rather obvious now that I think of it.

We found out we were pregnant with Jack right after Halloween 2006. Right after this picture was taken :-) His name is part of Jack-o-lanterns and every time I see one or hear someone say the word, I think of my boy.

In fact when we went to pick out our pumpkins last week and I was so excited to be there. Pumpkins in all their orange globe glory make me smile. When we walked into the pumpkin patch there was a woman taking a picture of her two boys on the hay stacks with the mini pumpkins. that was a little rough, but I turned a blind eye and walked to the other side to find my perfect pumpkins. Then I heard that same woman call for her son "Jack" to come sit with his brother to take a picture. That was a stab in the heart and a few tears were shed in the middle of the pumpkin patch.

Then of course there's always the blog that you click on only to find out she's pregnant with a boy named Sam who's due at any moment now.

I have a hard time deciphering between the presence of my sons and the world just being a cruel place.

While The Feelings Are Still Fresh

I've had tender breasts for 2 weeks.
I thought this months could be it. Where have you heard that before?
I didn't want to say it outloud for risk of jinxing myself or being disappointed and looking/feeling like an asshole later on.
I sat and fed Baby M today and admired his sweet face.
I wondered if I would be feeding my own 10 month old in a year and a half.
I was waiting for a few more days to test.
I was dreaming about what a nice quiet and private weekend Mr. H and I would have together to relish in our news.
News that I made up in my head.
I was thinking about quitting my job, and what a perfect time it would be since I have off the entire month of December anyway.
I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing the "bad" underwear.
The same pair of underwear I have worn and gotten a visit from Aunt Flo for the last 4 months.
I vowed to myself to throw them away once I got home.
I went to the bathroom before I left work and...well you know.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like an idiot.
Why can't I do this?!
What am I doing wrong?!
Did I mention that this is our 12 month of trying?
I'm afraid of the secondary infertility title.
I don't want the extra burden or expense.
Why is this so difficult?
I feel worthless. Utterly worthless.

Please don't tell me you're sorry.

Family

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that a friend of mine took our family photos. Well I got them today and I absolutely love them. Like big puffy heart love them!

Lori, you are so incredibly talented. Thank you so much!

If you live in central Texas and need family photos I highly recommend you contact Lori asap!