"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Friday, October 30, 2009

An Explanation

I'm sorry for the last post. Well not really sorry, but I didn't mean to make any of you feel like I didn't appreciate your friendship. Sarah, you in particular.

I just get in my ruts, at least a couple times a month, where I feel let down by the world. It's a stupid selfish feeling and it's all because I can't have what I want. I know that you can all relate.

I just feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck sometimes. Looking at me you couldn't tell, but my spirit is crushed. I feel defeated. I know that some of you can relate to what I'm feeling at this very moment and some of you have no idea what's running through my mind. And that's okay. My last post wasn't meant to be a roll call to see who actually read my blog, but it did confirm who doesn't. And that hurts a little.

It just seems that everyday is a roller coaster ride for me. I'm up and I'm down. I cry then I'm over it and move on. I'm exaggerating a little bit. Not every day is like this but enough to make a difference. According to my boss there's a "baby explosion" happening in this country. And she feels the need to tell me weekly about all her pregnant friends and family, including the one who is pregnant with twins and is naming them Juan Pablo and Pablo Juan (no lie). Every week. "Everyone is just getting pregnant!" Well no, not everyone. I haven't told her what's going on with us because I don't want her to know our business and I don't need the questions that follow. And just think if I had told her a year ago when we started TTC, there would be questions, and feeling sorry for me. And would it make her think twice about opening up her mouth about all the preggos of the world? Probably not.

It's not just her friends that are pregnant either. It's everywhere. It's on many many blogs that I read too which makes me want to shut the laptop and never open it back up. But then I remember that you all are my support system and that would be like turning my back on you and that's not fair. At the same time, it hurts to read some of your blogs. I can't relate at this moment to your parenting problems, or your crying babies and sleepless nights. I can't relate to your growing bellies and that renewed excitement. I can't relate to your nausea so please excuse me if I don't read or comment on your blogs as much. I try, I really do. I subscribe to 130 blogs and I try and read all of them when updated, but sometimes I open up my reader and I'm stuck at the first paragraph unable to read any further. It's paralyzing for me. But know I'm still here.

That's all for now. I just felt like I needed to explain myself a little better. There have been other things but mostly the feeling of being lapped again. I feel like I'm in a different category all together. I just want others who can relate and tell me I'm not alone. I want others who struggle just the same and while I know they're out there it doesn't make me feel any better. As Rachel said, there isn't anything you can do to change my situation or make me feel better. I don't expect you to, because I don't even know how to help myself.

It just seems that my life is one big waiting game while the rest of the world moves on and lives their life. I want to move on and live my life too and I'm not sure how to do that.

28 comments:

The Duchess of Wessex said...

No need to explain yourself... You feel what you feel and the heart wants what it wants.

Ali said...

I don't think that you need to explain yourself. I mean isnt that what blogging is about being able to express yourself and get those feelings out - be they positive or negative.

Sophie A. said...

Hey Monica,

Though I can't say I understand 100%, I certainly feel you have every right to feel the way you do. I try to read every post, even though I'm a little behind sometimes. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine the pain you must feel. I don't even know if I've ever gotten even the slightest whiff of it, but these little sporadic bleeds here and there definitely give me a reality check and make me realize that I probably could never be as strong as you've been.

You want to know something a little funny? Well, I'm not sure if it's even funny, but sometimes I'm afraid to comment because I don't want you to feel obligated to comment on my preg. blog :P. LOL I'm a nut, I know. But, seriously, I want you to know that I have been thinking about you! Stay strong; your heart is in the right place, you will be blessed.

Love,
Sophie

Hennifer said...

(((hugs))) I so wish someday I have the opportunity to give you one in person.
Not that I think this is directed to me but I want to say I'm sorry for not being a better friend. I stop by both your blogs daily and while I've found it odd that you've been quiet here I have let the moments of thinking I should write you pass by because I see you are still posting somewhere (Lick...)

I know I can't relate to the details of your sorrow but I do relate to feeling like the world is just letting me down and I'm sorry you are struggling.

Seraphim said...

I love you Monica.
Your analogy of feeling "lapped" makes perfect sense. And whilst can't change anything, I am going to send "conception vibes" across the sea to you, and I'm going to keep paddling along right here. xxxx

Amanda said...

((((HUGS)))) my friend and I am sorry if my blog causes you any pain. Thank you for explaining although I agree that it isnt necessary. Sometimes DBM just cant explain what they are going through and thats ok. Anyway, I am sorry for the tough time you are having. Please take care of yourself...

Franchesca Cox said...

I certainly don't get all you are going through, but I am reading your blog as often as I can and just want you to know you are not alone. I don't know if you read this blog or not, but I think you might pull strength from it. The story behind it is heart-wrenching, like all of our stories are, but I just wanted to share it with you. I know that reading her blog has helped me.

http://onceamother.blogspot.com/

Sending BIG *hugS* to you

Virginia said...

It makes sense, sweet Monica. No need to explain yourself - I get it, and I've seen this coming for a while. I wish I could help, and I think of you every day.

bir said...

Oh. I. Know. about the pregnancy explosion and Oh. I. Get. It.!!! ☺ I've felt my blog friends back off as they fell pregnant over the past months, and I reckon I could now count my 'regulars' who aren't UTD on one hand. Which is fantastic. For them. But so many people don't understand the crevice that begins to divide the road between you and them. Even when I try, and do some pretending, it's just a natural thing because I can't relate to their happiness. In fact it just makes me all the sadder for me.
Sending hugs your way x

missing_one said...

*big hugs* I know I won't be offended in the slightest if you stopped reading mine for a few months. I know I couldn't bare to look at, let alone comment on other preggo blogs for a long while.

Be gentle with yourself this holiday season.
OH and I"ve been trying out more of your recipes! Your buffalo dip was the thing I ate all week while Dh was gone and I made your cream cheese frosting to go with my pumpkin bread. YUM!

jaded said...

Monica I think of you every single day. For goodness sake - I have your picture with Mr. H and Autumn on my fridge - since last last Christmas! Every time I see it - I smile and I thank God or whoever for having you in my life (well sorta). Everytime I pray for a healthy baby of ours there is enough room for you and your future baby.
I can't emphasize enough that I UNDERSTAND completely.
I have been checking your blog every other day hopeing for a post from you...knowing my recent news is hard because I have been there too.
I just want you to be happy with all my heart. I wish wishing it could do it.
Do what you can and only what you can when it comes to blogs - including my own.
Thinking of you always, always, always. Wishing you only good things, always, always, always.
I will always understand you, nothing you could say could ever be inappropriate, or hurtful or rude. Grief can be an ugly journey and you have every reason to feel as you do.

Rachel said...

You didn't need to explain yourself. I wish I knew how to support you. I completely understand when you don't comment as often, it would be hard for me if the roles were reversed.

Anonymous said...

Just a word of support way over here is Canada...I'm still reading...just not much of a commenter...but the Pablo Juan, Juan Pablo made me LOL! and just know that many of us are struggling right along with you...in grief and in ttc...and there just are no words sometimes...just hugs from far away...

Stacey

Kristi said...

Monica, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions. I know I don't understand your path completely, please know I'm here for you.

Kristi

Amy B said...

i check your blog almost daily and think of you often. i know my recent news must have been tough for you, in fact, i thought of you as i was posting and hoped you wouldn't be upset. you don't ever have to explain yourself and are entitled to feel whatever you want, whenever you want. hang in there - you have an amazing support system with all of us.

A Feast for the Eyes said...

I read your blog, Monica...just like you read my "other" blog. I'm one of those folks who is blessed to have a son, albeit one who has a huge personal struggle that breaks my heart. You still long to have a child, and how I wish that emptiness would be filled with joy. Sometimes I wish I had a logical answer as to why sometimes says "no" to those who so desperately want to be a mom.

It pains me to read your despair. Then again, I have experienced my own for different reasons...reasons that you know.

Blogging helps. It's good to vent.
Sometimes you might think "praying for you" sounds empty. It isn't. Prayers work...sometimes they aren't answered the way we want them to be.

I read,Monica. Sometimes I don't comment. Likewise, you read mine and don't comment. What matters is that we care.

Hugs and wishing that you would be filled with joy, despite the disappointments in life.

Tomorrow is my son's 21st birthday. You know what I worry about. I pray that you deepest desire will be an answered prayer.

xoxo

tyfamilyadventures said...

You dont have to explain...still here we are in our own rut (SWINE FLU)so we have been hibernating always here though if you need me...take care

JGirl2005 said...

We all get down. Hugs to you Monica! I'm sorry I haven't read in awhile, I've been bad at updating my blog. I'm thinking of you a lot and hoping you get pregnant very soon.
Agree with other posters, you need to blog your true feelings.
Just know that people think of you and feel your pain. I know the pain of infertility - not that you have that but I know you have been trying for a year now. I know the pain of a loss baby. I don't know your pain from two lost babies, so just know that people read and you are in our thoughts.

mkv said...

I still think of you daily and check your blog regularly even though I'm one crap of a commenter. Praying for peace for you as the holidays start. xoxo

Muh1t0 said...

First I started with your food blog then I found this too. I love your honesty and both your blogs are something that I follow closely. I'm part of a forum known as Hannahsprayer and their wonderful women there who've helped me on my journey. If you're up to it, you can pop in and then decide if its for you. Praying for you that God will give you your hearts desire sooner rather than later.

Reese said...

Was out of town and sans computer....

Showing you some love.....

{{{Hugs}}}

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Monica,

I feel the same way so much of the time. That everybody else is moving on with happier lives while I sit with depression. I do have three living children and I understand if you cannot read my blog at times. I try not to write as if I take them for granted, but I know reading about other children can be so painful. I apologize if I've neglected you and your blog. I've gotten wrapped up in my own depression so much that I read and comment sporadically. I don't know what more to say other than you are not alone. Our pains are different, but you are not alone.

Peace.

Lori said...

I may not tell you all the time, but I'm here for you, too.

I'm a lot behind in my reading and blogging, but I'm promising to catch up now.

Jen said...

I understand.

It seems the world keeps living, growing and time has kept you still, stuck in your grief, lost in your head of sadness.

I understand, and I know how you feel.

SouffleBombay said...

Monica....here comes one big virtual hug.

dealingwithlife said...

I don't check this as often as I would like but I do think of you, Sam and the boys...I have not been a great friend and I am sorry. But I do check the blog and I do think of yall. I don't always comment because I don't always know what to say. I will say that you do not need to explain yourself...this is your blog so express your feelings as you wish.

Souffle Bombay - Colleen said...

One night a few weeks ago I was putting my children to bed, we lay there and talk about the day etc...I shared with them you story.
My son who is 8 and has said he will be a doctor since he was 2 and is sticking to that got thoughtful, asked questions in his analytical way, my daughter just listened. They included you in their prayers that night asking God to give you a baby and my daughter has done it with no prompting from me every night since...she says "and what's that girls name...I say Monica...she say God please help Monica keep a baby. Soooo you have some extra prayers coming your way!

christyna said...

{{{{{{hug}}}}}} I'm sorry I haven't been around. That's really terrible of me, and it is NOT ok at all.