Wednesday, October 14, 2009

While The Feelings Are Still Fresh

I've had tender breasts for 2 weeks.
I thought this months could be it. Where have you heard that before?
I didn't want to say it outloud for risk of jinxing myself or being disappointed and looking/feeling like an asshole later on.
I sat and fed Baby M today and admired his sweet face.
I wondered if I would be feeding my own 10 month old in a year and a half.
I was waiting for a few more days to test.
I was dreaming about what a nice quiet and private weekend Mr. H and I would have together to relish in our news.
News that I made up in my head.
I was thinking about quitting my job, and what a perfect time it would be since I have off the entire month of December anyway.
I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing the "bad" underwear.
The same pair of underwear I have worn and gotten a visit from Aunt Flo for the last 4 months.
I vowed to myself to throw them away once I got home.
I went to the bathroom before I left work and...well you know.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like an idiot.
Why can't I do this?!
What am I doing wrong?!
Did I mention that this is our 12 month of trying?
I'm afraid of the secondary infertility title.
I don't want the extra burden or expense.
Why is this so difficult?
I feel worthless. Utterly worthless.

Please don't tell me you're sorry.