"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Presence

I realize it's been a couple weeks since I last posted but it's not like anyone reads this anymore anyway, well except for maybe two of you. Thank you Kristi and Nanny for checking in one me. I've had a lot going through my mind the past week or so but the thoughts have been my own. I felt fine keeping them to myself ...sort of.

I have emailed a couple friends and I confided in another friend in person. At this point I don't really want or need to talk about what's going on but I felt I owed you (or the vast universe) an update. So here I am. Hello. how are you?

I find myself really thinking about the boys lately. I've always associated the signs of Fall- pumpkins, Autumn leaves and Halloween with Jack. I've never understood why I connected the two because Jack was born in February. But I think the connection is rather obvious now that I think of it.

We found out we were pregnant with Jack right after Halloween 2006. Right after this picture was taken :-) His name is part of Jack-o-lanterns and every time I see one or hear someone say the word, I think of my boy.

In fact when we went to pick out our pumpkins last week and I was so excited to be there. Pumpkins in all their orange globe glory make me smile. When we walked into the pumpkin patch there was a woman taking a picture of her two boys on the hay stacks with the mini pumpkins. that was a little rough, but I turned a blind eye and walked to the other side to find my perfect pumpkins. Then I heard that same woman call for her son "Jack" to come sit with his brother to take a picture. That was a stab in the heart and a few tears were shed in the middle of the pumpkin patch.

Then of course there's always the blog that you click on only to find out she's pregnant with a boy named Sam who's due at any moment now.

I have a hard time deciphering between the presence of my sons and the world just being a cruel place.

16 comments:

Seraphim said...

Hello Monica. Um, I do read, but you know that. Your boys were front and centre for remembrance day in our video. I'm guessing you need a great big hug right now and so I'm sending you one. Love you girl xxxx

my3sons said...

Monica,
I am still here! Thinking of you also!

Virginia said...

I'm still here, too - I've been thinking about you a lot and right now I am sending a hug your way. xx

The Nanny said...

Big hugs and, as always, thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, and I check your blog almost every day.

Kimberly said...

I read - thinking of you

Jamie Rock said...

I also don't know you but I check almost daily. I lost my son William to IC May 29th of this year so it helps to find someone I can relate with.

Kristi said...

The holidays are a sad reminder of what we lost. I was at Hobby Lobby yesterday. Of course Christmas is all over the place in there. all the frilly girly ornaments - made me miss my Sara.

Thinking of you!

Rachel said...

I'm still here!

I've actually been thinking and praying for you a lot the last few days.

I wish I knew how to comfort you, but there really isn't anything I can do.

RachelH said...

I'm still here too, thinking of you.

Shauna said...

still here.....check your blog a couple times a week (at least!)
thinking of you and your hubby (and cute dog!)
hope you are well......shauna

Anonymous said...

I'm still here and rooting for you. I'm sorry this time of year is so difficult for you.
Tara (hudson6803)

Marie W said...

Monica~ I think of and pray for you everyday! Sending you a big virtual hug!

The Duchess of Wessex said...

I promise that the day will come when the signs don't hurt as much.

While I pray that the day comes quickly for you, you just keep being an amazing person. Deal?

Mary Ann said...

I don't know you, but since the loss of my daughter McKenna in March also due to IC I find comfort in your words through my own journey!

jaded said...

I am sorry...so sorry you feel this way. I understand every word you have written.