I haven't had a lot to say, so I've been quiet lately. Besides that this week has been quite eventful and busy. Family was in town, 30 dozen tamales and pumpkin empanadas were being made, there has been lots of shopping and wrapping and my aunt got engaged on Christmas Eve. Congrats M and J! And I'm exhausted.
Our Christmas was good. It flew by so incredibly quick though. I don't know where the time went? Honestly. We hosted Christmas Eve dinner at our house for 10 including my in-laws. It was nice and simple. Then we spent the day at my mom's house with the entire family. Mr. H and I will ring in the New Year together, quietly at home.
Last year and the year before, we bought sterling silver ornaments for Sam and Jack with their names and birth dates on them. I do have to say that I am grateful that this year we didn't have to buy another remembrance ornament for a baby that died. I can't handle the heart ache.
Speaking of heart ache, I feel like such a bad mother. My friend, Monica, went to visit the boys and brought them ornaments and took battery operated candles out to them Christmas Eve. She even took red and white tulips for them. Someone else scattered Christmas confetti over their headstones. I did nothing. I didn't get them anything. I didn't even make time to go see them on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. What's the matter with me? I'm such a bad mother. There was so much going on, and so much family togetherness and I completely left them out. Sam and Jack, I'm so sorry. I love you so very much. Please forgive me.
Wishing you all a better year- Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I haven't had a lot to say, so I've been quiet lately. Besides that this week has been quite eventful and busy. Family was in town, 30 dozen tamales and pumpkin empanadas were being made, there has been lots of shopping and wrapping and my aunt got engaged on Christmas Eve. Congrats M and J! And I'm exhausted.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Mr. H: Are you going to do a "Mr H's Favorite Things"?
Me: Why? Do you want me to?
Mr. H: YEAH! (comes back with a note pad and starts scribbling away)
So, without further ado, I give you Mr. H's Favorite Things. In other words, gifts for the extravagant men in your life :-)
Creed Cologne- $122
In particular Virgin Island Water because it's a "simple clean smell that reminds him of the beach". Those are his words. In this fragrance are notes of coconut, white rum, ginger and bergamot. It's also a unisex fragrance so women can use it too. It's a little pricey, but a portion of the proceeds go towards "protecting the world's oceans".
Piloti Shoes- $75-$125
Mr. H has 3 different pairs of these shoes. He likes them because they're "unique and the most comfortable shoes" he owns. He has these and these, and another pair they no longer sell anymore. He even got me a pink and black pair- lucky me! You don't have to race cars to own own a pair- they're honestly good comfy shoes.
Carhartt Clothing- $35 and up
He has jackets, jeans, overalls, t-shirts, and over shirts from Carhartt. He loves them and buys something from them every chance he gets (or when I'm not looking). They're warm, durable work clothes that look nice. They hold up wash after wash and come in different colors and sizes from small to 5 X- dang! Click here, for a retailer near you.
Kiehl's Men's Products- $18-$22.50
Mr. H uses "Close Shavers" Shaving Formula, which is a pre-shave oil for your beard. "It creates a barrier between your razor and your skin to allow less razor burn and irritation." He also really likes their Multi Purpose Facial Formula because it moisturizes your skin without being greasy and "it smells pretty". Now there's a reason to buy this for your man! It also has soothing Vitamin E and eucalyptus oil.
Maker's Mark Bourbon- $25-$50
For the bourbon lover in your life. Hands down this is the smoothest and best bourbon out there compared to other whiskeys and bourbons. What you get for the price is a high quality product. Buy a small bottle and stick it in their stocking or buy a larger one for all your holiday drinkin'. Makes a great Bourbon and Coke. Drink up!
Griot's Garage Digital Tire Inflating Gun- $49.99
Every garage should be equipped with one of these. You can inflate, deflate and check tire pressure all with one tool. Why is that important? Because with properly inflated tires, you can ensure tire safety and prevent blow-outs and roll overs. Remember when Ford Explorers had a bad bout with rollovers? That's because their tires were improperly inflated. With this handy tool, you can feel safe on the road.
Make It Right by Mike Holmes- $24.95
Mike Holmes is a contractor in Canada. He had a show on Discovery Home, which is now Planet Green. But he currently has a show called Holmes On Homes on TLC. Anyone ever seen this show? Anyone else think he's hot, or is that just me? Anyway, his motto is "Make It Right", he even has it tattooed on his arm, that's how serious he is. On his show, he goes to people's houses and fixes other contractor's screw ups. It's very interesting and highly educational. We learned a lot about home safely and how to do things correctly and he now has a book, so even if you can't sit by the TV and watch him, you can read about how to make things right.
Lefty/Righty Measuring Tape- $11
Ever heard the phrase "Measure twice, cut once"? Well, if you're a lefty like Mr. H is, you may have to measure twice, then turn your tape around and measure another 3 times for good measure (no pun intended) just to make sure that your your measurements are correct. When you're left handed, simple tasks can be a little more difficult. I never understood this, because I write with my left hand, but this tape measure has measurements on both sides of the tape, so no matter which way you pull the tape out it's legible right side up.
Monday, December 15, 2008
This is my take on Oprah's Favorite Things. Here are a few things I discovered this year that I absolutely love and think everyone should know about. Unlike Oprah, everyone in the virtual audience will not be getting one of each to take home. Sorry to disappoint. I do hope that some of these ideas will help you out with your holiday shopping!Hanes Stretch Perfect Panties- $7.00-9.00/2
These are fabulous! I haven't purchased underwear in a very long time. I bought several pair of VS panties about 3 years ago and they have lasted. They're good underwear, but they also cost about $10 a pair and they aren't "wedgie-free" like Hanes. Hanes panties are half the price and come in pretty colored patterns and solids and accommodate sizes 4-11. And they really are wedgie-free. Amazing!Lands End Supima Cotton Robe- $39.50-44.50
I have raved about this robe before, but I have to say of all my robes (I have 6) this is my absolute favorite! It is so soft and comfortable. It doesn't bind, ride-up, it washes well, the belt stays in place, it has an inside tie to keep it secure. It's warm and did I mention soft? It comes in several colors and sizes, from a petite XS-a women's 3X. Anyone could wear this and be comfortable.The FURminator (Medium Deshedding Tool)- $24.99-49.99
I had my doubts about this tool. And I certainly was NOT going to pay $50 bucks for a pet brush. That is the retail price at most pet stores. Ridiculous, no? So I did my research with my good friend Google and found an online company that sells this particular size for half the price. They have other sizes available depending on the size of your pet, but it works well on both our dog and our bunny. The bunny sheds more than Autumn and this tool is awesome. Their coat is shinier, smoother and less fuzzy which means less hairy clothes. The website shows a ton of hair around the dogs they brushed. I did not get that much fur off of either of the pets, but it works better than any other brush or comb I have tried. If you have pets, it's an absolute must.Bialetti Moka Express Espresso Maker- $20.00-50.00
I was looking for an electric espresso maker for Mr. H's birthday back in February. I found that they were way more expensive that I thought they were. I wasn't planning on spending hundreds of dollars, so I didn't get one. Shortly after that, I discovered this fantastic little gem that produced wonderfully aromatic espresso on the stovetop in minutes. We have the 3-cup maker and it makes enough for both of us to have one strong cup- which is more than enough. It's easy to clean (you just rinse and wipe it) and it works perfectly every time. Great for lattes and iced mochas. If you are an espresso fan, you need one of these. Mr. H recommends Illy Moka Coffee brewed in this simple Italian contraption.James Avery Remembrance Rings- $75.00-250.00
I bought two of these rings, one for Sam and one for Jack. They stack beautifully and come in birthstones for all 12 months. They come in silver and gold in sizes 4-10. Get one in remembrance of your child or one for you and your partner. Or mix and match with whatever colors you like. I bought the silver rings with the peridot (August) and amethyst (February) birthstones. They're simple and sweet and I love them.Goody Stay-Put Collection- $1.00-4.00
Love these! I have long hair and I don't like it on my neck at night when I sleep, so I often wear it in a pony tail. The problem is, most elastics pull my hair out, are too tight or slide out. It is so frustrating to be sleeping and have to sit up to fix your hair in the middle of the night. Well, with these brilliant little things your hair stays put. The elastics come in several different colors and widths, depending on your needs. But the secret is that they have little rubber nubs intertwined in the elastic to keep your hair secure without pulling it out. They also have headbands, clips and barrettes.Will Heron Designs- $15.00-22.00
I first saw these silk screened shirts at a local farmer's market. They are so adorable and witty. Buy one for baby, or for yourself. Available in women's and men's in sizes S-2XL (men's only) and children's 3-6 mo. - a youth size 12. This is one of my favorites :-)
Dog by Matthew Van Fleet- $11.55- $16.99
This dog book is so much fun. It has interactive parts, flaps, pop-ups, scratch 'n sniffs, pull tabs and many many different breeds of dogs. Some dogs have silky brown ears and some have soft and fuzzy fur. It really is a cute book and the children I've given it to, loved it as much as their parents.
Tagco Spice Stack- $29
This thing is awesome! Seriously. I had about 30 spice jars sitting on a shelf and it was hard to find the one I was looking for because they kept getting lost towards the back of the cabinet. I tried to make a riser using a brick covered in foil...don't ask. It worked, just not that great. Then I found this spice oranzer. It took up just as much room, so it's not a space saver, but it keeps all your spices, or sprinkles and sugars organized and within reach. Best $30 I've ever spent.
What are some of your favorite things?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I'm stealing this idea from Missing_One who stole it from Niobe and I'm not the least bit ashamed.
I just assembled my holiday greeting cards, they just need to be addressed and stamped. If you'd like to receive a card from me, Mr. H and the furry ones, send me an EMAIL with your name and address and I'll add you to the list. Of course if you'd like to send me one, I would be forever grateful.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Last fall when I was making an appointment to see a new OB, I had to fill out new patient paperwork. On this form, they inquired about my father's medical history and his birth date. I could remember the year he was born and my mom couldn't remember, so I googled his name hoping to find something. **ETA:
I browsed page after page after page, then I found something. But it wasn't exactly what I was looking for.
On an alumni website was info for my step mom and dad. You know, general stuff like where they live, their occupations, hobbies, number of children etc. Then I read the words that broke my heart "happily married with no children".
* * * * * * * * *
I was in a really good mood today when I got to work (more on this tomorrow!) and the house was oddly quiet. LD and Polo were asleep and A. was in the back bedroom getting ready. I straightened up the toys in the living room then A. came out into the living room. We exchanged a few words about our weekends then Polo started to fuss as he was waking up. She went back into the room to get him and I followed behind her, continuing our conversation.
I noticed Polos tiny round head peaking up in the bassinet. A. and I stood in the doorway talking while Polo began to fuss some more. She went to get him and I noticed he was sleeping on his stomach. I asked her if he was sleeping on his stomach and she said yes.
She said she spoke to her pediatrician about Polo sleeping on his stomach and her pedi flipped out and told her she needed to stop putting him down on his stomach to sleep. She argued back and said she did it because he sleeps better that way. The pedi told her to stop doing that immediately. At Polo's last check up, the pedi asked her if she had stopped and she lied to her and said she had.
She was telling me about their conversation, while LAUGHING. I interrupted her laughter and said "your doctor is concerned because of the risk of SIDS". She said, "yeah I know, but babies have been sleeping on their stomachs for years and they're fine. LD slept on his stomach and he's fine."
"7,000 babies each year die -nearly one baby every hour of every day." Again, why does she think she's exempt?
**ETA:I'm not opposed to babies sleeping on their stomachs. In fact 13 years ago when I was taking care of Aaron as a baby, I would lay him down on his belly because that's how he fell asleep and if I put him on his back, he'd wake up crying. I'm not saying babies shouldn't be on their stomachs. I think every baby is different and require different things. When I was reading SIDS stats yesterday, they don't even know if putting a baby to sleep on their backs even helps reduce the risk of SIDS.
What upset me with this situation was that she just acted like it wasn't a big deal. Like it wasn't going to happen to her so she didn't need to comply, even at the urging recommendation of her pediatrician. If someone told me that I may have been putting Aaron's life at risk, I would have altered my behavior- she laughed. **
Sunday, December 7, 2008
After Sam died, I quit talking to my Dad. I didn't intend to, but that's what happened.
I remember when I told him I was pregnant. I was out of town with my MIL...I'm not sure if Mr. h was there or not, but we were at Wal*Mart of all places in the evening. Okay, now I remember what we were doing there, we were buying ceiling fans for his grandmother (so I guess he was there). Anyway, I remember him being excited for us. Not any more so than anyone else, but excited. I think.
As far as I can recall, we kept him updated throughout the pregnancy, but I only had a couple dr. visits and there really wasn't much to update him on. On the early morning of Sam's birth, Mr. H called my Dad to tell him what was going on. I couldn't speak to him or my step mom. I was an emotional wreck. I got up to go to the bathroom because I felt funny down there and when I got to the bathroom and wiped, I felt Sam's foot hanging outside me. I was hysterical so Mr. H cut their phone conversation short. I don't know if we spoke to them while at the hospital again.
When we came home 2 days later, after making funeral arrangements, I called to tell my Dad. I expected him to come to the service. He did not. He said he had to work and couldn't take time off even though he works for himself and manages his own schedule. He later called and wanted to come a few days after the funeral so we could "spend time together and have fun". I think I've mentioned all this before, but it still bothers me so I'm saying it again.
I've been thinking about my Dad a lot lately. Well, not really a lot, but I miss having a Dad. Our relationship wasn't always the best- he never remembered my birthday, we never celebrated holidays together, he asked for a paternity test so he wouldn't have to pay child support- our relationship was not that great, but it was something. Sometimes I try to convince myself that not having a father was better then having him as a father. But I haven't truly convinced myself of that yet.
I've been thinking of writing my Dad to tell him how I feel. I know the things he said after Sam died ("it was Gods plan", "it wasn't meant to be", "there must've been something wrong with him" etc etc etc) weren't meant to be hurtful. I know that now, but it has taken me over 2 years to get to this place. I want to write to him rather than call because I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to be interrupted by what he has to say. And I really don't want to talk to him, I just want to make amends.
But then I remembered today, that I tried to reach out to him. About 6 months after Sam died, I sent him a card and in it was a picture of Sam, a copy of the death notice from the paper, the program from his funeral, a packet of forget-me-not seeds and a blue ribbon that said "Baby Boy" along with a card that had his birth info and his footprints on it. I guess this was my way of trying to make contact with him. I tried to make the first step towards reconciling. He never reached out to me. He never responded to my card, never had anything to say about Sam- his grandson. My older brother (who lives in the same town as him) told me about a year ago that my Dad said I was the one who had a problem. If I wanted to talk to him, I should call, because he wasn't the one who had issues. WTF?
I don't know what else to do. Of course I could call him, I could send him another note, I could've visited when I went to see my grandmother for her surgery and I didn't. I don't want/need to be left emotionally vulnerable. I'm afraid of losing again. I want him to "get it" but I'm afraid he never will. I don't need the drama! As far as I know he doesn't even know about Jack, and that just makes me sad. I want things to be back to "normal" even if things weren't all sunshine and roses.
I don't know what to do next.
BTW, the recipes for Vanilla Buttermilk Cake and the how-to for the cake decorations are up on my other blog, if anyone is interested. My Dad may suck, but this cake doesn't.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Darla emailed me a couple months ago. She is a fellow deadbaby momma to Nicholas who was born early at 36 weeks on June 28 and passed away from complications on July 21st. She asked me to add Nicholas' name to the remembrance list. I did.
We emailed each other a couple times and she even mailed me a very sweet card for my grandmother. She doesn't have a blog, or I'd link to her, but trust me when I say she's a fabulous woman.
Then yesterday, a very unexpected card came in the mail addressed to me. Have I ever told you how much I love getting things in the mail? Well if not, I do! In fact, just last week I got a package from Nanny- she sent me fudge! Thank you again Nanny!
Okay, back to Darla... she is so thoughtful and kind. She said somebody made her a bracelet with Nicholas' name on it and she decided that every deadbaby momma she came to know would also get a bracelet with their child's name on it. So today I got two tiny blue beaded bracelets with their names on them. I cried. They are so beautiful and perfectly made by her two hands.
Thank you Darla.
We've followed your journey from losing your precious Henry to almost giving birth to your new son Perseus and all the fun stuff in between. I think you're amazing and you'll be an excellent mother. I have no doubts in my mind.
I'm so glad I could be a part of this. Happy Virtual Baby Shower to you!
Thanks Yummy Sushi and Missing One for hosting this!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
There are several things I wanted to blog about. Many things flowing in and out of my mind. Things that upset me, things that made me sad, things that made me cry, things that made me smile, but as I try to write, nothing comes out. I think about his stuff ALL day long, but the words aren't coming. Well obviously there are "words", but there aren't any well formed sentences and paragraphs. Bear with me. Here's a list. A long list of what's cluttering my head.
Things I think about often:
- missing Sam
- missing Jack
- making a baby
- talking mr. h into #3
- quitting my job
- finding a car (touchy subject)
- affording a car
- cleaning house
- decorating the tree
- unloading the ornaments for the tree
- making the scrapbook for my Gma
- holiday shopping
- having no money for #12
- holiday baking
- finding a mop
- putting up the laundry
- looking at Polo (LD's brother)
- Wanting to hold Polo
- Reminding myself that Polo is the enemy right now
- Realizing that Polo looks EXACTLY like his father
- Realizing I want a baby that looks exactly like his father (my husband not LD's father!)
- A. is a freaking wuss
- my friend/ ex-friend is in Iraq and I didn't even know it
- making a stocking for my aunt's new boyfriend to "make him feel welcome"
- going to the bathroom- I really gotta pee, but I'm too busy!
- going to bed, but I'm too busy!
- changing the sheets on the guest bed
- 5k on Friday for RMHC
- Holiday cards
- Buying stamps
- Having to put money in the bank to buy stamps
- thinking more about #22
- Wishing Sam and Jack were here
- Wondering what they'd be like
- Flossing my teeth
- Vacation- God do I need one.
- Getting through another day
There I think that's it. I feel better.What's been going on with you?
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Hope everyone had a good weekend. Hope you all have full bellies, plenty of leftovers and are still sane if you went shopping this weekend. Did you hear about the guy who got trampled to death by shoppers? Ridiculous. Is the new talking Elmo really that important? Seriously.
On Thursday we went to my aunts house for a late lunch. it was nice to not have to do all the cooking and cleaning. Although I do have to thank Mr. H for cleaning and doing laundry while I was cooking. He also put up all the lights on the house yesterday and today. They look wonderful, so thank you honey!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
There will always be hard times. Your days won't always be cheerful. The weather won't always be perfect. You may not always have money in your bank account. You may be fighting with your in-laws, or unhappy at work. Missing your babies or hoping for one...but you always have something to hold onto. Something to be grateful for. Sometimes you have to search for it, other times it's obvious.
I do a lot of complaining and whining on this blog, I (we) are in debt up to our eyeballs, work sucks, we still don't have a car, I miss my boys with all of my heart... but I am still grateful for the experiences I have had and look forward to our future.
Today I am grateful for:
Sam and Jack
a job, though it sucks sometimes
a car to drive around, though it isn't mine
my friends- online and in real life
I am thankful for today and hopeful for tomorrow. What are you thankful for?
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Monday, November 24, 2008
I'm still thinking about that damn stork in the front yard. I just don't get it. And I'm sure it'll still be there tomorrow when I get there.
The thing is, I knew she was going to put one up--I just forgot about it. When A. had her b.aby shower, she had some baby socks that were folded into looking like mini muffins. On top of the "muffins" were rosebuds and they were packaged in little cupcake boxes. They really were cute, but they were just socks. She had several gifts like this, and they were all from the same lady.
She pulled them out of a blue gift bag and showed them to me then proceeded to hand me a business card for the woman who made these. A grand smile appeared on her face when she started to talk about "these signs you can put out in the yard" that have the baby's info on it. I knew what she was talking about and just smiled and didn't say anything.
Then I started to think... I remember either reading an article or seeing something on the news about couples who put these signs in their yards and then had their babies abducted. It lets predators know there is a new baby in the home and then they can kidnap it. This concerns me. I would never do this just because it's happened to someone else. Why would someone put their babies' lives at risk just to show off?
So I told her about the risk and made my opinion clear. And she said, without a worry "Why would someone do that?" As in "why would someone kidnap a baby?" Ugh, why do babies die? Because they do! Neither are ideal, but they happen. It's life.
Why does she think she's exempt from pain? From life?
ETA: The stork was taken down today ::doing a happy dance!::
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Thanks for all the comments regarding the Vlasic pickle bird! They made me laugh, which is really what I needed. :-) So again, thank you.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Wanna get stoned?
Because I rock ;-) (as Missing One so kindly and accurately pointed out!) you're all getting a stone!!! I went and bought a few more so you can all have one because I didn't want to leave anyone out. In fact one of you is getting a stone even though you didn't ask for one- just because I love you!
I have addresses for Nanny, Kristi and Erica but I need addresses for Missing One, Amy B, Amanda, Shauna and the Anonymous grad student.
Please email me your address and I'll ship them out this week. Because so many of you wanted Hope and Cherish and I only had one of each you may get something different. I'll do my best to give you what you wanted or I'll substitute it with a stone that I think is appropriate. You'll just have to wait and see what you get :-)
Look for them in the mail soon!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
LD is officially a big brother now.
He was born sometime around 6 am this morning. His name starts with a 'M' and is usually followed by 'Polo'. He was 8lbs.9oz. and has a big nose. That's all I know.
That's more than I care to know, really.
I was alone most of the day today with LD while his parents were at the hospital. His Dad came home to take a nap. When he woke up all he could say was how tired he was and how the "hard part" was yet to come.
All I wanted to say was "The 'hard part' comes when you have to bury your child. Not when you bring him home. Asshole!"
Instead I smiled, nodded, wished him a good weekend and left for the day. I wasn't as upset as I expected to be, but the thought of a new baby boy did/does make my heart ache. I will inevitably have to see him on Monday when I go back to work.
I was in a bum mood this evening so we went out for dinner. And wouldn't you know we were seated next to 3 chatter box women who were planning a baby shower! One of the ladies' suggestions for favors was to offer a candle with a ribbon wrapped around it and a card attached that said "light this on the day of this child's birth". The ladies all oohed and ahhed about what a great idea it was. Sound familiar? Whatever. We couldn't get out of there fast enough so Mr. H and I mocked them the entire dinner. It was fun :-)
Wanna know some good news?
My grandma had a mammogram on Monday and the results are in: She's still cancer free! Now that's something I can celebrate this weekend.
Remember if you want an inspirational stone, leave me a comment and tell me which one you want! You have til Saturday at midnight to enter.
ETA: I just checked my email and A (LD's mom) sent me over a message titled 'Baby Pictures'. I couldn't look at them or delete them. I just froze.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Over the last few months, I have received a few gifts from fellow bloggers. Let me just say, I am feeling the love.
The stones range in size from about 1 x 1 1/4 inches (Hope) to the largest (Cherish) at about 1 1/4 x 1 1/2 inches.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I have never visited that sight before, but I just did and it did not bring me encouragement. Maybe when I hold my living children in my arms and I have time to reflect upon it, it will. Hopefully it will help others, but not me, not now. Thanks for trying though.
I am a believer in God- in Jesus to be more exact, but I don't think he makes decisions for us. I think he leads us to make our own decisions- right or wrong. He equips us with the knowledge to know the difference.
This post is not about my faith. It is about me thinking my aunt is ignorant. And by ignorant I do not mean stupid or wrong- I mean misinformed; without knowledge.
She is one to pray to God and rely on him for all things. That's great for her, but if she is such a believer and a do-gooder then why does she send me such awful hate emails about other people? *That* is NOT a Christian thing to do.
And I have a hard time believing that God told her to send me that email. I have a hard time believing that God says it's okay for her to act that way, though she says she's just being "an advocate". Advocates of God, whether trying to sway your vote on a political candidate or trying to talk you into going to Church should not be malicious. They should not belittle others in the process of making a point either.
If she doesn't like the current president-elect, that's fine. That's her opinion. She doesn't have to agree with his views, (and neither do you). She can stand proud knowing she didn't vote for him (just as I did when "W" was elected), but don't call the man a terrorist because he had roommates in college from Pakistan. That, my friend is low and unGodly.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
A. (LD's mom) is due Monday! (That's 2 days from now)!!!
How the hell did time pass me by? I'm freakin' the f*ck out!
She has me on call this weekend in case she goes into labor. Her mom wants to be with her in the delivery room so they asked me if I'd watch LD while they were at the hospital delivering their healthy precious baby boy.
I'm sure they will shed tears after their baby is born just like I did. Only theirs will be tears of joy, while mine were of sorrow for my sons that would never come home.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
A few weeks ago my aunt sent me some junk mail. She rarely ever actually sends me a personal email, but forwards me political or religious stuff.
This particular email was about 0bama. It was not a nice email. I read the entire thing and then responded. I started to vent and tell her all I had to say, then I deleted it all. I simply replied, "Please do not send me any political email. Especially those bad mouthing 0bama."
She responded almost immediately saying she was simply being "an advocate". I rolled my eyes and asked her why she never sent me any anti-Mc.Cain mail. She says she never got any, but would be sure to send some my way whenever she got any. Gee thanks.
So I decided to send her an anti- Mc.Cain- one that I had created myself. She didn't seem too thrilled to receive it and I highly doubt she forwarded it to her friends- being the advocate that she is. She emailed back and said, she was entitled to vote for whomever she wanted. The thing is, I wasn't trying to talk her out of her decision. I could care less who she votes for. Everyone has a right to vote for whomever they think is the best candidate- even if I don't agree with them. That's the beauty of this country.
Then- GET THIS- she said she was going to talk to God and He would tell her who to vote for! He would tell her who He needed to run this country.
Um, okay. I'm all for talking to God, but I'm not so sure he's going to tell me who to vote for. He didn't save my boys, when I begged and pleaded. He didn't intervene when their hearts took their last beat. He could've blessed our lives with two beautiful boys and he didn't...Okay, I'm stopping now, because I could go on and on and on. My point is, why would he respond to her, when he flat out ignored me- especially about who to vote for?
I just laughed when 0bama won last night. I was really proud, and happy, but a part of me just snickered when I thought of our previous email conversation. My grandmother was so excited when he won too. I spoke to her today and she said she was cheerleading through the house and beaming with pride regarding our new President-elect.
My aunt (not smiling, and rather grumpy) said, "I didn't vote for him."
Monday, November 3, 2008
Tomorrow is election day- please do your part and vote if you haven't already!
I voted Thursday and came home and found vomit on the carpet next to our bed- hopefully that won't happen to you.
Friday, October 31, 2008
My 'lil pumpkins- Sam and Jack. They're a more permanent version of the one's from last year. I had these made last fall at the ceramic shop and I just got around to painting them a couple weeks ago, in time for Halloween.
For a treat, make Monster Cookies from leftover candy. Which means, don't give it all out :P
Have a safe Halloween everyone!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I was kindly tagged by Coggy and Missing_One for this meme. It also means they heart my blog! And I love theirs too. Thank you for this distraction, it was much needed!
Here goes: The whole idea is to answer these questions with one single word (or as few words as possible). I am not a woman of few words, so I'll try!
1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse
2. Where is your significant other? Next to me
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Hypochondriac
5. Your father? Coward
6. Your favorite thing? Creating
7. Your dream last night? Random- I was in a horror film then the next thing I know I was buying flip flops in a gift shop with a group and the bus was about to leave me while I was in the bathroom.
8. Your dream/goal? To mother a living child
9. The room you're in? Living room
10. Your hobby? pastime? Baking
11. Your fear? Another loss
12. Where do you want to be in six years? At my child's 5th birthday party :-)
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Pregnant
15. One of your wish list items? A baby- seems to be a theme here!
16. Where you grew up? Texas Plains
17. The last thing you did? Visited the cemetery
18. What are you wearing? Jammies
19. Your T.V.? On Pause
20. Your pet? Sleeping...Now begging for food.
21. Your computer? Pretty
22. Your mood? Hungry
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? Gone
25. Something you're not wearing? A bra- freedom!
26. Favorite store? Target
27. Your Summer? HOT
28. Love someone? Of course.
29. Your favorite color? Blue or red
30. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier today- probably at myself
31. Last time you cried? Thursday
BONUS: Here are Mr. H's answers
1. Where is your cell phone? On the bar
2. Where is your significant other? Next to me
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Crazy (got that right!)
5. Your father? At home
6. Your favorite thing? Cars
7. Your dream last night? Don't know
8. Your dream/goal? Too many
9. The room you're in? Kitchen
10. Your hobby? pastime? My pastime??? Because I'm so old...
11. Your fear? Failing
12. Where do you want to be in six years? On a ranch
13. Where were you last night? At home
14. What you're not? Stupid
15. One of your wish list items? Ferrari
16. Where you grew up? Texas
17. The last thing you did? Went to grocery store
18. What are you wearing? shorts and a tank
19. Your T.V.? Can't live without it!
20. Your pets? One bunny, one dog
21. Your computer? Finicky
22. Your mood? Hopeful :-)
23. Missing someone? My boys, grandma, grandpa
24. Your car? Will scare you- lol.
25. Something you're not wearing? Underwear
26. Favorite store? Home Depot
27. Your Summer? Not too bad
28. Love someone? Absolutely
29. Your favorite color? Black
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today (at my wife)
31. Last time you cried? Thursday
I tag Nanny, Becky, Kristi, Rachel, Lori, Chrystina, Erica and Mrs. Muelly for this meme. I chose them, not because I love their blogs any more than others, but because I think they could use the distraction. Happy blogging!
The consensus seems to be that I need to take care of myself and do what's best for me, regarding taking care of LD.
The problem is, I don't know how to do that. This is not something new, I've never known how. I've always put others needs and wants before my own. It's part of what makes me "me". I like to make others happy, and in turn, that makes me happy. It was how I was raised- to be completely unselfish.
And even if I were to quit (because I was putting my needs first) I'd feel guilty. I'd be upset and feel uneasy about leaving her alone to care for her own children (God forbid, I know!)
I know most people care for their own kids without outside help, and it's not that she can't do it, but she depends on me. We haven't talked about my duties after the baby comes, but she has mentioned that as of March (!) it'll just be the two of us.
I'm sure she can find a replacement. Strike that- there's no replacing me :-) but she can find someone else to take care of LD and her baby. I just don't know if I want her to.
The problem that I have is that even if I put my needs first, I am essentially hurting somebody else. And that hurts me. If I spend all day worrying about how I've put someone in a bind, that completely undoes all the good I've done for myself. Am I making any sense?
I don't have to make a decision right away, and I have given it a lot of thought, but I just don't know what to do. She has no idea I have doubts about working for her. Any suggestions?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
It has been a very long, exhausting, emotionally draining week. I am glad it is almost over.
Grandma B passed away Monday morning and we spent the entire day at my in-laws house greeting cops, corporals, sheriffs, EMS, fire fighters, grief counselors, the two people from the funeral home who came to pick her up, and lastly the florist who lives down the street who made the casket spray.
Tuesday was spent mostly at the funeral home going over her premade/paid arrangements and then going to the physical therapist.
Wednesday I worked all day then went home and cleaned house (along with Mr. H) since my in-laws were coming over after the funeral the next day.
Thursday morning was her visitation and funeral, then we went to Luby's for lunch. Luby's was her favorite restaurant. She and grandpa used to take Mr. H there when he was younger. That was a weekly tradition and he always ordered the fried fish, mac and cheese and okra. To this day, he still orders the same thing.
The funeral was beautiful and sweet. She was dressed in a suede brown wrap jacket and matching pants. She wore a coordinating hat and scarf as she always did. The flowers that adorned her casket were in earth tones and vibrant fall shades- colors she loved. Mr. H said a few words about his grandma and the times they shared with eachother. A few songs were played and all was perfect.
I worked Friday morning, then we went to the physical therapist again. Then last night Mr. H shampooed the carpets. We've been running around non-stop all week and we're literally exhausted. So today we slept in, had cinnamon toast for brunch and laid around all day. It's been nice.
On the baby front, LD's mom went to the doctor and she is already 3 cm dilated. Her due date is the 10th of next month. I have been trying to not think about it. I originally put it in my mind that she would have the baby around the 19th (which is Little Dude's birthday) which is also around Thanksgiving. So I kept thinking he'll be born in another month. But in reality, she could have a baby next week and this scares the hell out of me. I don't know what to do about this. Her friend came over the other day and was talking about how excited she was about the new baby. "Aren't you excited?" she kept saying. "It's going to be so hard for her to raise 2 boys...Are you going to help her with the baby?" All I said was. "We haven't discussed that yet." and changed the subject.
I was originally hoping to be pregnant by Christmastime so I could have an excuse to quit. I don't just want to quit because that would be unfair to her and I would feel guilty. Of all times she would need me, it would be NOW, so here I am still working there. The thing is, I don't think I would have a problem staying there if she weren't pregnant. I love LD and I would miss him if I left but I am jealous of her. But just to make myself clear, I don't want her baby. I don't even want her life, I just want to be pregnant and I want a baby too. I want her situation. And we're not there yet- not even close.
And pregnant people and babies seem to be popping up everywhere. I know some people say they are always around, but it never really applied to me. This week has proved different. A's friend (LD's mom) was pregnant when she was here a couple wees ago. She was about 20 weeks and shopped daily at BRU for stuff to take back to Spain. It was obnoxious to watch. The EMS guy (from above) spoke about his family and his mischievous boys. He has 3- ages 9, 7, and 5, and he also has a newborn baby girl. Oh, and 3 dogs and 2 cats. Not only is it enough that he has more living kids than I but he also has more pets. Double slap. The funeral director was pregnant, the receptionist at the physical therapist office is pregnant and due at the end of the month. I'm sure there's more, but I'm done with it. It's so frustrating.
The florist (as a gift to us) made wreaths of orange spray roses to take to the boys. Here a photo of a couple of roses flooded with water:
Today is also Logan's 2nd birthday. We miss you sweet boy. We think of you always.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Mr. H's grandmother passed away this morning just shy of 4 am*.
Her breathing was labored, her breaths short. Her lungs were failing, her kidneys too. She wasn't eating or drinking. She slept all day. She had bed sores on her backside. She had dementia and didn't recognize any of us. She didn't say much and when she tried it was incomprehensible.
She was in the nursing home for 3 and a half years- the same amount of time Mr. H and I have been married. She was moved back into her old home with my in-laws about 6 weeks ago. During this time she had home health nurses and was well cared for but she grew weaker until her passing. She was 93 years old. She joins her husband (Grandpa Jack) who passed away 11 years ago, November 1st.
We miss her.
When does this sadness end? When???
*Dead hour is said to be between 3 and 4 am. I woke up at exactly 4 am when I started to go into labor with Sam. Jack was delivered (dead) at 3:07 am and now his grandmother passed away just before 4 am this morning. I wish I could skip this hour.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
I love the fall.
Times seem simpler, the colors warmer, the weather cooler. The changing of leaves, the shorter days, the comforting aromas.
I love fall. And I love pumpkins. Perhaps it because for as long as I can remember, my mother called me her "pumpkin" or because they remind me of Jack (Jack-O-Lanterns). Either way, I look forward to going to pick pumpkins every year- from the pumpkin patch or the local church. It makes me feel like a kid again. Although, I do have to say, we never had pumpkins growing up and we surely didn't go to the pumpkin patch for the fun of it. It's an adult pleasure for me.
Here are pictures of our most recent outing to the pumpkin patch. I hope they bring you joy.
Click here to view the pumpkin patch photos from last year.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I didn't realize it has already been a week since my last post. I have been busy lately, but I'll talk more about that at a later date. Instead, I want to talk about what today is- October 15th.
Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. In fact the entire month of October is supposed to be dedicated to this, but it is over-shadowed by Breast Cancer Awareness. Breast Cancer Awareness is extremely important and more women should know how to do self-breast exams, get mammograms, and educate others. But they should also know that babies all over the world die everyday just like our grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunts, daughters and friends.
Everywhere you go, you see pink. Pink foods, pink packaging, pink ribbons, pink clothing, pink appliances... But you never hear or read about anything relating to pregnancy and infant loss. Why? Why is it so taboo to talk about?
Before the boys died, I never read anything about babies dying. My older sister was stillborn, but I thought it was just because she was premature. I never bothered to learn more about it. I didn't think it could happen to me. It did. And I still don't know much about my sister because even my mother doesn't talk about it. I thought prematurity was just about being born early, but why does this happen and how can we prevent that? If I didn't ask, I wouldn't know anything. That's really unfortunate.
Back in April, when I went to be with my grandmother for her second surgery, I also went to see my paternal grandmother. I haven't spoken to my Dad in over two years, and I miss him and the idea of having a father, but I'm not ready to make amends. But I did want to see his mother, my other grandmother, my Abuelita. I missed her. My grandmother went with me to help me translate because she mainly speaks Spanish and mine is rusty at best. Once I saw her, all I did was cry. The only thing I said to her, was "I love you". I just sat there and looked at her and cried. I cried because I missed our relationship that we had when I was a child, when I was normal, when my Dad still loved and cared for me. My grandmother spoke to her and told her about the boys when she asked if we had any children. All she kept saying, over and over, was "Que Triste...Que Triste." "How Sad...How Sad." Of course I cried even more because I knew what she was saying. I understood every word she said when she told my grandmother that she also had two losses of her own when she first got married, before her other 6 children came along. And she never told anyone. She said she still missed them.
So why do we expect others (strangers, other pregnant women, our families and friends) to talk about it, when our own families don't talk about it and treat is like a secret? Why do we expect magazines to educate expectant mothers on miscarriages and stillbirths when our own OB's don't even do so? We've had to learn because we are unfortunately a part of this club that we never wanted to belong to. We have to learn because it's our job to educate the world about it. No one else is going to do it.
We can sit around and complain (or blog) about why there isn't more awareness on this subject, but we have to spread the word. Some people may not want to hear it. In fact a lot of people do not want to hear about it. Some people may not want to believe that it happens, but it does. How many hundreds and thousands of us are there hiding and afraid to speak?
I refuse to not talk about my sons. Their lives mattered! They may not have taken their own breaths and some may even argue that they were even "real" babies, but they were. They are. They had heartbeats. They moved. They grew. They had 10 fingers and 10 toes. They had hearts and brains. They had their own personalities. They were perfectly formed, just too little to survive on their own. They were babies and they died. If you can inform at least one person and change the way they view this topic, then together we can make a difference. Educate the public and make our babies lives matter.
Maybe one day we'll all have walks for Pregnancy & Infant Loss. Maybe one day we'll all wear a ribbon or white crew socks with a pink and blue ribbon. Maybe one day, parenting magazines and doctors offices won't be afraid to inform expectant mothers that their babies lives are not guaranteed. Maybe one day we'll walk into the grocery store and buy packaged foods that benefit loss awareness. Maybe one day you'll meet a neighbor or a friend of a friend who had a loss and you can share stories of survival without being ashamed of your status and how others will view you. Maybe one day others won't treat us like lepers.
Maybe one day all our babies will be remembered and acknowledged.
I made a remembrance list last year for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness. Please add your baby/ies to the list. I will always remember them. Always.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I am officially car less. We released my car tonight to the insurance company. In return, they'll be sending us a check.
We got an estimate for the damages and it was going to cost us about $11, 000 to fix it. The catch is, if we chose to fix it, they were only going to give us $3500, if we let them total it, $5000. That's not much, but it's something. And that can go into something newer and safer. We're thinking about our future and the safety of our children (because there WILL BE children) so we'll move on.
It was kind of emotional, I do have to say. Saying good bye, and removing our belongings. I know it was just a car, but there were a lot of emotions attached to it. It was my first car, my only car, it was paid off, it was my baby and it's life wasn't quite done. But I have to think that there are bigger and better things for us.
We went to the wrecker yard, and removed the floor mats, the steering wheel cover, the after market K&N air filter, the sub woofer and double checked that our belongings were cleared out. It was hard leaving it. I know you are all probably rolling your eyes at me now, but it's just one more loss to add to my list. Something gone before it's time.
So afterwards we went to IHOP for a late dinner. We were upset and decided we needed pancakes to cure our ails. I had pumpkin pancakes- mmm. And guess what? As we were leaving, I saw a familiar face. A face that was trying to pretend she didn't see us. A face that looked down and slightly away from us. A face I had not seen in a very long while. Uh huh, you guessed it... his ex!
Mr. H said he saw her when we got up from our table and she saw him, but immediately turned away and avoided eye contact. As soon as I saw her, I turned to him and just stared at him trying to figure out if he saw her too. He did. It was kind of weird seeing her. As we got in the car (he opened the door for me just to show off, because I'm sure that made her jealous *) the guy she was with was looking out the window. We were parked right in front of the window of the booth they were sitting at, so I know they saw us.
I think of her every once in a while. Not because I want to, but because it just happens. I'm sure that's my punishment for "stealing" away her boyfriend 9 1/2 years ago. I wonder if she ever thinks of us. I'm sure she had no idea we'd actually make it. I'm sure she probably wished bad things upon us. I'm sure she still wishes us these things. The thing is, I never meant to hurt her. And I'm sorry if I did. I know it's been almost 10 years, but it was a major happening in our lives and things changed drastically for her too.
I think Mr. H and I were/are meant to be together. You can't chose who your soul mate is, or how you find them, it just happens. But all these years later, I still feel badly. I do hope that she finds her perfect mate as well. I know she thought that person was Mr. H, but something bigger and better will come along for her too.
Oh, and we went to the orthopedic specialist today. We start physical therapy next Tuesday for whiplash. And my neck has been killing me all day. I took pain meds and I am feeling a little loopy and sick to my stomach. Well, actually a lot loopy. She also prescribed us an anti-inflammatory, so hopefully that'll help some.
* Mr. H never opens my door. And just because I wrote that, he'll say "Honey, yes I do", and start feeling bad because he thinks I think he's un-gentleman like. But between you and me, he doesn't. And that's okay. He does MANY other things for me that I often take for granted. So honey, if you're reading (and I know you are) I love you and thank you for being so good to me. And if we ever see your ex girlfriend in public again, please promise me you'll open my door for me without me asking :-)
Here is our first and last picture of us in my car. I'm not sure why, but we don't have any pictures of it besides the ones I took the other day and when it snowed here in 2005. So we are (sin make-up) with our lovely lady- Perla.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I don't know why I was so excited about car shopping...that shit is exhausting. But I did manage to get a slight tan out of it. We have narrowed our search down to the car we want, we just need to find one in our price range with good mileage and the extras we want. So really, we've made no progress. Oh, and we managed to only cuss out one dealership. Record for us!
What did y'all do this weekend?