The Next Step?

After Sam died, I quit talking to my Dad. I didn't intend to, but that's what happened.

I remember when I told him I was pregnant. I was out of town with my MIL...I'm not sure if Mr. h was there or not, but we were at Wal*Mart of all places in the evening. Okay, now I remember what we were doing there, we were buying ceiling fans for his grandmother (so I guess he was there). Anyway, I remember him being excited for us. Not any more so than anyone else, but excited. I think.

As far as I can recall, we kept him updated throughout the pregnancy, but I only had a couple dr. visits and there really wasn't much to update him on. On the early morning of Sam's birth, Mr. H called my Dad to tell him what was going on. I couldn't speak to him or my step mom. I was an emotional wreck. I got up to go to the bathroom because I felt funny down there and when I got to the bathroom and wiped, I felt Sam's foot hanging outside me. I was hysterical so Mr. H cut their phone conversation short. I don't know if we spoke to them while at the hospital again.

When we came home 2 days later, after making funeral arrangements, I called to tell my Dad. I expected him to come to the service. He did not. He said he had to work and couldn't take time off even though he works for himself and manages his own schedule. He later called and wanted to come a few days after the funeral so we could "spend time together and have fun". I think I've mentioned all this before, but it still bothers me so I'm saying it again.

I've been thinking about my Dad a lot lately. Well, not really a lot, but I miss having a Dad. Our relationship wasn't always the best- he never remembered my birthday, we never celebrated holidays together, he asked for a paternity test so he wouldn't have to pay child support- our relationship was not that great, but it was something. Sometimes I try to convince myself that not having a father was better then having him as a father. But I haven't truly convinced myself of that yet.

I've been thinking of writing my Dad to tell him how I feel. I know the things he said after Sam died ("it was Gods plan", "it wasn't meant to be", "there must've been something wrong with him" etc etc etc) weren't meant to be hurtful. I know that now, but it has taken me over 2 years to get to this place. I want to write to him rather than call because I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to be interrupted by what he has to say. And I really don't want to talk to him, I just want to make amends.

But then I remembered today, that I tried to reach out to him. About 6 months after Sam died, I sent him a card and in it was a picture of Sam, a copy of the death notice from the paper, the program from his funeral, a packet of forget-me-not seeds and a blue ribbon that said "Baby Boy" along with a card that had his birth info and his footprints on it. I guess this was my way of trying to make contact with him. I tried to make the first step towards reconciling. He never reached out to me. He never responded to my card, never had anything to say about Sam- his grandson. My older brother (who lives in the same town as him) told me about a year ago that my Dad said I was the one who had a problem. If I wanted to talk to him, I should call, because he wasn't the one who had issues. WTF?

I don't know what else to do. Of course I could call him, I could send him another note, I could've visited when I went to see my grandmother for her surgery and I didn't. I don't want/need to be left emotionally vulnerable. I'm afraid of losing again. I want him to "get it" but I'm afraid he never will. I don't need the drama! As far as I know he doesn't even know about Jack, and that just makes me sad. I want things to be back to "normal" even if things weren't all sunshine and roses.

I don't know what to do next.
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BTW, the recipes for Vanilla Buttermilk Cake and the how-to for the cake decorations are up on my other blog, if anyone is interested. My Dad may suck, but this cake doesn't.