"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Friday, May 30, 2008

Hairy Monica

Google analytics refers those who search for "hairy monica" to this blog. I got a haircut yesterday and I shaved my legs this morning. I'm not hairy anymore but if you get directed to this sight- welcome.

I got a haircut yesterday. The last time I had one was over 7 months ago. I've needed one for some time now but have been putting it off because I didn't want to answer to my hair stylist. The last few times I went to her, I was either pregnant or had just lost a baby. So when I see her she always asks if I'm pregnant, then I have to tell her no. I really like her and have followed her from salon to salon for the last 4 years. Her prices aren't too unreasonable, and I really don't want to find someone else. I really like the way she cuts, highlights and styles my hair. She's consistent and that's hard to find. I like that she remembers and acknowledges my losses, but the reminders suck.

I haven't had my hair highlighted since before I was pregnant with Sam. I wanted to wait until after 20w but I never made it that far. After that, I just didn't care what my hair looked like. And in a way, I was protecting myself from guilt. If my baby had died after I colored my hair, then I would have blamed myself. Then I got pregnant again and had to wait. Then he died too and I really didn't care what my hair looked like. Mr. H says he misses my blond highlights, but I'm "not that person anymore". I like my highlights too, but he's right. I'll never be that person again. That person who spent way too much money on high and low lights. The person who had her roots touched up every 2-3 months. The person who would get a mani-pedi every couple weeks. The person who wore make-up everyday. I just don't care anymore. There are more important things in life than being pretty.

Like most hair dressers, she gossips about other customers, the stylist next to her, the neighbors dog, her 17 year old pregnant daughter...yeah, you read that right. Every time I get my hair done, she gloats about her daughter (an only child) and how smart she is, how independent she is, her new job, etc. She's a proud mother. Well yesterday she told me she was going to be a grandmother. A smile appeared on my face almost immediately. Then I realized her daughter is still in high school and is still a child. So I wiped the "I'm happy for you" look off my face and asked her what she thought about the news. She's not so thrilled.

In the last year when I have gone to her, her mother has died, her sister died from colon cancer, she was in a car wreck, and over mother's day weekend, a family friend committed suicide, a nephew passed away from cancer, her husband accused her of being unfaithful and her daughter (J) got pregnant (approx. 12 weeks). Full plate? I would say so.

J was taking birth control and decided to stop taking them because she didn't like them. That's why I quit taking them but I wanted to get pregnant, she just didn't think that would happen to her. Do kids still think that these days? That's scary...and sad. But then again I didn't think that my babies would die and they did. Anyway, her boyfriend denies that this baby is his. He texted her the phone number to the abortion clinic. And then he broke up with her. Way to take responsibility for your actions. Did I mention he has another child with some other girl? Nice.

By the end of our "session" she was crying, because she feels she's going to end up raising this child. She's upset because her daughter's life is forever changed- burdened. She's upset because she knows how badly I want a baby and can't have [a live] one and her daughter got pregnant by being careless. Her situation is not ideal, but it's not the end of the world.

If her baby dies it will be.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Twig and Berries

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

6 By Me

1. In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after?

Before: Whole

After: Broken

In one picture, this represents my before and after.

2. How do you feel around pregnant women?

Envious. Sad. Worried. Jealous. Mad. Angry. Hurt. In all honesty, it doesn't bother me now as much as it used to. I wish I were pregnant, but more than that I want the baby that comes after pregnancy. There are times when I want what they have, and there are times I wish they would just go away. It's not so much that I am angry about seeing or being around pregnant women, I just MISS my boys so much when those women do have their babies. I realize what I don't have and my heart aches.

3. How do you answer the 'how many children' question?

I guess it all depends on the situation and my mood. There are times when I need to talk about them and times when I don't want to be sad so I don't mention them. I don't really get the "how many?" question very often, though. And for that I am grateful.

4. How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?

My little brother is 13, but he was 11 when Sam died. I was in the hospital very early Tuesday morning and my mom called home to tell Aaron what had happened. He cried and said, "Damn it!" I think he understood what was happening though I never said a word to him. He saw the pain written all over my face and he knows what death is. When he saw Sam's lifeless body in the hospital for the first time he questioned why he looked the way he did. We told him it was because he was born way too early and wasn't fully formed. He never asked any questions after that.

For any future children we may have, they will definitely know about Sam and Jack. They will not be denied a "relationship" with their brothers. I had an older sister that was born prematurely and died a few hours after birth. To this day, I don't really know much about her. I want to know her story. I feel cheated. She did exist, but it's like she didn't. I can't and won't do that to my children- dead or alive.

5. What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?

I am definitely not done with baby making. Although I'm sure Mr. H would be a lot less anxious if I were. He wants more children, but he doesn't know how to get past the pain in order to try again. I don't know how I will get through it, but I know I'll have help with a cerclage. Emotionally, I know I'll be a wreck but as long as a baby is born alive (and stays alive) at the end if it, I'll get over it. Of course, blogger support and prayers will be needed as well.

6. Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?

This one really stumped me...hmmm. This one is hard for me because I don't really remember anyone saying anything really supportive after Sam died. I'm not saying that they didn't say anything, I just don't remember it. If I were offering words of comfort to someone who had just experienced their first loss, I would say that everything will get better. But it doesn't always.

All I can say now is "I'm sorry."

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This meme comes from Glow In The Woods. Check out other deadbaby momma's responses here. I'm not going to tag anyone this go round, but feel free to answer these 6 questions in the comment section or on your own blog. If you do this meme let me know so I can be sure to read it :-)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day Surprise

I am so nervous. I am so scared. I'm afraid to tell Mr. H because I don't know how he's going to respond. I want him to be happy. I want him to love this baby as much as I already do. I hope he's not mad at me. Why would he be mad at me? That's crazy. But how do I tell him?

I'm not quite sure if the test is 100% accurate though because it's expired. But I don't have my car so I can't go get another one. But it has to be right, right? My boobs are swollen and they hurt and those are signs of a pregnancy. Besides my period is late, it has to be right, right? I have another test, maybe I should test again...but it's expired too. damnit!

a few hours later...

Mr. H is home and I told him the good news. He thought it was good news too. We cried and held each other while we thought of the future. We are ecstatic although we are both scared and don't know what to expect. We have a long way to go still. It will be a tough few months but they will be filled with joy, I'm sure of it.

But just in case this test was wrong and I am not pregnant, I had Mr. H pee on the extra pregnancy test. I thought if his says he's pregnant than they are bunk, but his read negative. So I am indeed pregnant! Now I have to go call the doctor to make my first OB appointment. I'm going to be a mom and I am overwhelmed with emotion. I have been blessed and I am elated beyond belief.
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This was 2 years ago- Memorial Day 2006. Sorry to get your hopes up.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

It Must Be The Water

Congratulations Lori, Holly, Heidi, Jenna, Allie and Tiffany on your successful births. I wish you all the best!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Rx 4 Luv

Mr. H went to the u.rologist today. The doctor was very nice. He asked him to drop his drawers and made him cough. I always wondered if they actually did that and now I know for sure they do- tee hee! He said there is nothing anatomically wrong with him and there's nothing he can really do to solve his problem. He's had testicular pain (I'm sure he loves that I just told you all that :-) off and on for several months now. It's never severely painful, but it's a persistent "dull ache" so he wanted to get a second opinion. The doc said that he sees at least one patient a day with the same problem and there is no cure. They did an ultrasound a few months ago but didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. He suggested taking ibuprofen on a regular basis and going to physical therapy because he thinks it's muscular. How exactly would you work *that* muscle? This docs prescription for Mr. H: have more sex!


Here are some pics of the doctor's office that he visited in November. I would have more, but apparently I "embarrass" my husband when I start taking photos of drinking fountains while he's coughing for the weenie doctor.

Go-Go Dancer Cage!
Drinking Fountains (that coordinate with fabric below).
Bathroom door and lovely waiting room chairs.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Too Much

I've had a lot on my mind lately and haven't felt like really writing about any of it. Some of it is the same ol' stuff- just more of it, and some of it is just morbid and I'm afraid to talk about it.

It's all too much to deal with at times and I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to return when the storm has passed and the rainbow fills the sky. I know, we all know, this won't happen.

* Mr. H and I have talked about returning to therapy. We went weekly for 4 consecutive months last year after Jack died. It helped, but then my insurance ran out and we were having to pay out of pocket so we stopped going. But we attended 2- 6 week support groups with a different grief counselor that seemed to do some good. We've been trying to work things out on our own, but it's not working. We're surviving, but we're getting no where. Mr. H has an appt. tomorrow to try to help him work out his grief so we can try again. I am so proud of him.

* I moved the sonogram picture further to the right of the fridge so it's not so in my face. It helps a bit. Rachel suggested I turn it over while I'm there, but I can't do that. She works from home and walks to the fridge, she'd notice it was turned over. I can't ask her to allow me to turn it over and I can't ask her to take it down. If someone asked me to do that, I would be devastated. Yes, she knows my circumstance, but I can't ask her to do that. It would be great if she offered, but that's not gonna happen. So I'm trying to be okay with it pushed to the right side of the fridge.

* LD's mom (as mentioned above) came in the living room rubbing her belly the other day. I tried to avoid looking at her, but I could still see out of the corner of my eye. She was complaining that she's getting "so big" and her clothes aren't fitting her anymore. Let's call the whambulance! I keep suggesting she put a robe on so I don't have to see her (and because she's cold all the time) but she's not going for it. I might just buy her a robe- a big one. Almost tent-like.

* My FIL was recently diagnosed with d.ementia. His father had alz.heimers, and his mother also has d.ementia and is in a nursing home. My MIL is really scared. She has known about his deteriorating condition for some time now, but like all of us, denial reigns. She avoided having him tested until a couple weeks ago. He had an MRI and a cognitive test done- both of which didn't look so good. He forgets things. Things he just did or said less than 5 minutes ago. He'll open a piece of mail and read it entirely and swear he's never seen it before. He may appear to be the same person. He still has a wise-ass sense of humor. He looks and acts the same, but his mind is deteriorating. There is medication he can take to slow the deterioration process down, but there's no guarantee it will work. My MIL, a very strong woman, emotionally and mentally, is realizing her future and she's devastated. She called me crying yesterday- something she's never done before in the 9 1/2 years I've known her.

* I spoke to my grandma yesterday for a split second. Not much was discussed, but I heard from her again today. Still she said nothing. My aunt called me to fill me in. She has l.ymphed.ema. This is not good. Because she is a smoker and a d.iabetic, she is healing at a much slooower pace. She had surgery April 1st. Her scar is very gnarly. She has excess tissue that is bumpy and puckered. It's not smooth and flat. She went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and the doctor (plastic surgeon) cut away the excess dead tissue that was forming on her breast as well as removed the drainage tube. She has been bandaging her breast 3x daily, because she's still leaking fluid. This is not abnormal. Because she smokes and has done so for 50 years! and because she's d.iabetic her wounds and illness take forever to heal. That means that she still has an open wound. According to my aunt, you can see straight into her breast. The doc has given her one month to stop smoking and is better monitoring her blood sugar. I don't know what will come of this. I don't know what the next step for her is. But I do know there isn't any infection and the doc is taking care of her. On the upside, she doesn't have to do c.hemo or r.aditation.

* Back in November, Mr. H went to a u.rologist for some pain he was experiencing...this was the doctor's office that belonged back in the 1960's (for which I did go back to to take pics- you knew I would!)... Anyway, was still having pain, and went back to this doctor who did an ultrasound and ran labs and prescribed him some antibiotics. They didn't find anything abnormal, and the antibiotics seemed to help. Except he doesn't have chronic pain- he doesn't hurt at any specific time- it's random. So we don't know that the antibiotics really contributed to anything. Well all these months later, he's still having some pain. So we're going to get a second opinion tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully he can offer us some helpful insight as to why he is in pain or maybe even "fix" him. Hey, there's a thought.

Okay, I'm done. Not really, I still have a lot on my chest but I don't feel like I can share- not here anyway. I may talk about it in the future and I may not, but at least I lifted the weight.

Monday, May 19, 2008

I Wish I Were Normal


Edited To Add: Maybe they meant "normal" as in "fucked up" just like everybody else. Or maybe they meant "I'm as 'normal' as I'm gonna get". Or maybe they were just trying to be nice.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Pretty

Here's Something NOT ugly!
These are irises from the farmer's market. I love that some of them look like cake frosting flowers and others look so flimsy and delicate. I really enjoyed these.

Friday, May 16, 2008

UGLY

That's what I whisper under my breath to the ultrasound picture hanging on the fridge every time I open the door to get LD a snack.


And that makes me just as ugly.
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I am admitting this to you all this because I told the support group members this (last night) and they all gasped. Now I feel rotten.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Scary

The weather is very eerie.

The sky is glowing and rumbling.

It's now hailing (dime and golfball size) and Autumn is cowering in the corner.

There is a tornado watch in our county and Aaron is staying with us, a little freaked out. He's browsing on the internet for the local weather- thinking we're going to get swallowed up.

I asked him if he was scared. He said "yeah, kinda...But nothing's going to happen to us because we're the main characters."

I hope he's right.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Mother's Day Weekend

Mother's Day was quiet and didn't focus on "mother's" specifically, but on family and being together. It was nice.

We went to the nursing home to see Mr. H's grandma for her 93rd birthday. We surprised her with a balloon, new pajamas and muffin cupcakes with weird frosting and blue sparkly sugar. They looked cute, but the flavor was questionable. Mrs. H gave it good effort though. She wasn't completely coherent while we were there, but she did recognize us and enjoyed us being there. We sang to her and ate "cupcakes", then she fell back to sleep :-)

It was also Aaron's 13th birthday, so we spent the evening at my mom's house. He requested crab legs and cheddar bay biscuits from R.ed L.obster for dinner, and he had 2 birthday cakes! My mom made a tres leches cake with strawberries and I made a fruit pizza/tart that he also put in a request for. He had "the best birthday ever", he said. I gave a gift to my mom for Mother's Day then we watched The G.olden C.ompass and ate dessert til midnight.

On Sunday we went over to my in-laws for brunch (which turned into a late lunch/early dinner). It was nice because she did most of the cooking, then when we got there we made homemade waffles and peach blinis together, while taking time out to feed the dogs sausage and bacon, of course! It turned into more of a family gathering rather than just focusing on Mr. H's mom- which I thought was rather considerate. I know she tries her best to make things "easier" for me and includes me in everything so I don't feel left out- especially on days like this.

Later in the evening we stopped by the cemetery to see the boys. We took them little blue and red race cars that I got for them at Christmas (and just never took out to them). While we were there, a mom was visiting her son E. I have seen her before and I have spoken to her, but she has never spoken about her son until Sunday. She sat on a 101 D.almations blanket in front of his headstone and looked through a photo album as she read a poem left by another mother. E was 11 months old when he passed away from pneumonia, after being sick with an undiagnosed disease most of his life. She let me look through the album, as she told me his story, then we cried together while Mr. H was cleaning off the boys headstones.

She mentioned the disease, but I can't remember what is was called- although I think it started with a C. But she also said it was hereditary. I asked her if the disease could be transferred to any further children and she said her chances were 1 in 4 of having another child with this condition. But she is no longer with E's father. This is when I started to feel really badly for her.

I can't imagine being a single deadbaby mom. I can't imagine not having a partner to share my grief with. I know she's not the only single deadbaby momma out there, but my heart really aches for her. She had a relationship with her living son for 11 months, then he died. And she and her husband got a divorce. I don't know if he ever visits his son, or if he thinks of him, or where he is. But I know how damn difficult it is to live every day knowing your children are dead and never coming back. It's hard enough going through this with the support of a spouse, but I just can't imagine doing it alone. I hope and pray she has a great support system in her family or friends. It's been 3 years for her but it never gets any easier.

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In other news, I went to the doctor today for lab work. I just have to wait and see what they come up with. I don't know how long that will be though. I'm hoping to know something by this weekend. They'll probably send me another one of these.

And I have a story to tell you about my sister and her dumb ass friend, but that'll have to wait til tomorrow because it's now really late and I'm going to bed.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The PERFECT Card!


Wishing you all peaceful hearts,
Monica

Saturday, May 10, 2008

And Many More...

Happy Birthday Aaron (13) and Grandma B (93)!
Can you believe they're 80 years apart?

Grandma B. (Mr. H's grandma) Isn't she cute!

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Aaron- age 3



Aaron-age 13
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This is the frame he made his mom for Mother's Day. He did 99% of it all by himself. He picked the paint colors, the design, and he paid for it. I applied the glue and made the bee-line (but it was his idea). Didn't he do a great job? I am so proud of him. Below are some of the details of the picture frame (front and back).


Thursday, May 8, 2008

Loud And Clear

I'm guilty of taking another pregnancy test today.

But only because the one LD's mom gave me was expired by 14 months!

And because I thought it was lying to me...

It wasn't.

It doesn't get any more clear than the bold letters of a digital test that read "NOT PREGNANT"

I'm not quite sure I'm convinced though (get over it Monica! You're not pregnant! You actually have to shoot little soldiers up there to get pregnant and that ain't happening! So move on with your life and quit wasting money on HPT's for christ-sake!)

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BTW, LD's mom went to the OB today (13 weeks) and she having a boy. She was even kind enough to show me his penis on the ultrasound. I'm either going to have to get pregnant by November or quit because I don't think I can stand to be taking care of a newborn baby boy that isn't mine.

I just can't.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Day A Miracle Did Not Happen

As I said in the last post, if I were to be pregnant it would be miraculous. Well, no miracles were performed today.

I went to C.ostco yesterday to get HPT's amongst other things and as soon as we got there, I felt squishy down there (I know, I'm sorry). So I went to the bathroom and guess who decided to come visit me? Yup, AF.

So I did not purchase the HPT's. I figured I didn't need to. Later on, the bleeding stopped. I think she's just fooling with me, and I don't like it. Then it started up again today. Then stopped.

I called Dr. I's office and spoke to her nurse (she is out until Friday). She asked if I took a HPT and when I told her no, she said to take one and call back. I was dreading this.

I couldn't leave work, so I asked LD's mom if she had any HPT's because I didn't want to have to wait until I got off work at 6 and further delay the appointment. I thought she would have some since she just got pregnant, so I took a chance by asking. She did. She got excited for me almost immediately, but I had to shoot her down.

It was negative.

As I knew it would be.

But I still hoped.

I called my doctor back and tried to make an appointment. They told me to wait it out. How long am I supposed to wait it out? I've already waited 2 effin' weeks. I got upset on the phone and the nurse said. "Well I hope it stops soon" to which I replied "It won't". She said she'd consult with the doctor and give me a call on Friday about coming in for blood tests.

Yay. (insert sarcastic tone here)

Monday, May 5, 2008

Direct Correlation

Just a few different things that I have wanted to post about but never got around to.

My Dad's birthday was on Thursday. I haven't spoken to my dad since August 2006. He said and did some hurtful things after Sam died and I have no desire to speak to or see him. I don't know how long this feeling will last, but....it irritates me that I still remember him. I don't want to. I want to forget him like he has forgotten me and I don't know how.

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Friday was Mr. H's grandpa's (Grandpa Jack- for whom Jack was obviously named after) birthday. He would have been 93 years old. I never met him, because he passed away before Mr. H and I started dating. But I feel like I know him. I feel like I have a close relationship with him- closer than my living grandfather. I don't know if it's because Mr. H and his parents have told me so much about him, or because I know he's watching over Sam and Jack and that brings me comfort.

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We went to the cemetery last Sunday (the 27th) and noticed that the spot to the right of Sam has a new tenant. The section of the cemetery where the boys are buried is filling up quickly. When we buried Sam, there were about 6 or 7 other children already buried there. Now there are about 20-22 babies there. After Jack died, there were 2 spots left in their row. The boys are buried in spots 3 and 4 out of 6. Spot #1 and #6 were already taken and now #5. So that leaves one spot left- #2. I feel like I need to reserve this spot, or put it on lay-away. I hate that I am thinking like this, but *IF* another baby of mine were to die, I'd want him next to his brothers. And another part of me wants this spot to not be available. I don't really want another baby to occupy this spot, because that means another one has to die, but I think that maybe if the spots were all filled up, my baby wouldn't die because there wouldn't be room for him. Hopeful thinking, I guess. This last Friday, the spot below Sam was marked off and reserved for a new baby girl.

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Still no sign of AF. I have been spotting everyday for almost 2 weeks. I thought that maybe she was going to show up yesterday, because there was a little blood, but nothing major. What's weird is that there is only blood on the TP, no where else. And like I said before, it's old stuff. I'm going to get a HPT tomorrow and test just to make sure I'm not pregnant (it would be a miracle performed by God if I were) then I'll make an appointment with my doc. Mr. H thinks that I just have irregular cycles- which could be true- but in my many, many years of having a period, I have never had one like this. If it is old blood, where is it coming from? My loss and the D&C were over 14 months ago. Remnants wouldn't still be in there after all this time, would they?

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I decided as of today that I'm not going to keep my desires to myself anymore. My desire to be a mother, that is. Mr. H knows I want to try again. He knows I want to be a mother to a living baby, more than anything, but we don't talk about it. I try not to talk about it because I don't want to stress him out. I don't want to "scare" him away. I don't want to cause him any excess anxiety. He is scared enough already (to lose again), and I am afraid that my eagerness to try again will drive him away. I know this may sound stupid to some of you, but I feel that our situation is very fragile and I don't want to mess things up. I want to make progress with him, not make him run and hide. But today I decided that I'm going to bring it up everyday. I'm not going to wait for him to show some initiative. I will ask daily if he's ready, and not give up until he is. It may sound passive to some, but it will give me the confidence I need to not back down. And just maybe this crazy idea will start to sound good.

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I feel like I've been left behind. Almost every week, I read of a new pregnancy or a new birth. I am thrilled for the new mothers or soon-to-be mothers because I know the long road they took to get there. I know the heartache they went through to get where they are. I am happy for them because it's a dream come true, but it becomes increasingly harder to read. Then I get upset and start to feel sorry for myself. Then Mr. H wants to know what is wrong and I don't want to tell him because all he is going to say is "stop reading blogs if they upset you". He has a point, but I'm still going to get upset over my own life and not being pregnant and he doesn't want to hear all that. So, I continue to read because it gives me hope that it will happen someday.

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Mother's Day is just a few days away. Last year I boycotted it. This year is different. I don't necessarily want to celebrate, but I'm not as down as I was last year. I know time dulls the aching heart, but it still sucks. It always will. Even when we have children in the future, this holiday will always be bittersweet. I just think in order to "celebrate" Mother's Day, you should have your children with you in order to do that. I don't. Me celebrating Mother's Day is like someone throwing themselves a surprise birthday party and no one showing up. It's just sad.

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Speaking of Mother's Day, I went to H.allmark to buy cards the other day. I always have such a difficult time buying cards for my mom. I feel like she doesn't appreciate the thought that goes into it. And 75% of the cards I read don't relate to my mom at all. They're so lovey-dovey and mushy and talk about the special bond between mom and daughter, blah, blah blah. I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mom. My mom made some major mistakes as a new parent and I am still (after all theses years) having a hard time letting them go. When I read cards that say, "thank you for guiding me, thank you for instilling good values, thank you for being a friend, thank you for loving me unconditionally..." I roll my eyes and move on to the next frilly-flowery-lacey-pink-hearty card searching for just the right generic comment. This makes me sad and I hope to never have a child think this of me. But I did find the perfect card to myself!

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If you made it this far, thanks for reading all my random thoughts.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Mmmm, That's A Good Sock!

Friday, May 2, 2008

Thanks Andria!

A few weeks ago, Andria had a giveaway on her blog. I really didn't think I'd win anything, but I thought. "Hey, why not?" I always feel selfish asking for free stuff, but everyone else was doing it! Well, I won a FREE!!! personalized silver necklace from Lisa Leonard Designs. It came in the mail yesterday and immediately put me in a good mood. What do you think?