I'm Supposed To Be Happy

I'm in a funk. A big one. And I care not to talk about it at the moment so I'm going to do a meme that Sarah tagged me with on things that make me happy.

Here are the rules:

1. Mention and link back to the person that tagged you. (check)

2. List 6 little things that make you happy! (check)

3. Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know "They're it". (if you want to do it, consider yourself tagged).

This is tougher than I thought because I'm not in the greatest or happiest of moods. I was hoping this would make me think about all the good things I have in my life- it not. I keep going there. (dig deep Monica, dig deep!)

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1. Mr. H- He's (mostly) patient with me and supportive of all I do. Though he's told me I'm not allowed to use the "high heat method" to roast chicken anymore :-) Something to do with smoke alarms and such...

2. Sam and Jack- Though that's a given. I love them with all my heart. And then some.

3. Autumn- When I'm sad or down or just so-so, she does something to make me laugh. She's such a goof ball and a hairy lover. And she never complains- gotta love that!

4. August- Because he's such a little stinker and he gives Mr. h attitude when he tries to feed him or change his litter box. But he so lovable with me. Except for that one time when he bit my boob!


5. My friends- Because they try to understand and they're there for me. They let me know I'm not forgotten. Thank you.

6. Blogging/Baking/Photography- It fills up my off time and it keeps me busy. In turn I've made a lot of online friends who have been far more supportive than I ever thought possible.

There, that wasn't so bad.

A Welcome Distraction

I was kindly tagged by Coggy and Missing_One for this meme. It also means they heart my blog! And I love theirs too. Thank you for this distraction, it was much needed!

Here goes: The whole idea is to answer these questions with one single word (or as few words as possible). I am not a woman of few words, so I'll try!

1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse
2. Where is your significant other? Next to me
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Hypochondriac
5. Your father? Coward
6. Your favorite thing? Creating
7. Your dream last night? Random- I was in a horror film then the next thing I know I was buying flip flops in a gift shop with a group and the bus was about to leave me while I was in the bathroom.
8. Your dream/goal? To mother a living child
9. The room you're in? Living room
10. Your hobby? pastime? Baking
11. Your fear? Another loss
12. Where do you want to be in six years? At my child's 5th birthday party :-)
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Pregnant
15. One of your wish list items? A baby- seems to be a theme here!
16. Where you grew up? Texas Plains
17. The last thing you did? Visited the cemetery
18. What are you wearing? Jammies
19. Your T.V.? On Pause
20. Your pet? Sleeping...Now begging for food.
21. Your computer? Pretty
22. Your mood? Hungry
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? Gone
25. Something you're not wearing? A bra- freedom!
26. Favorite store? Target
27. Your Summer? HOT
28. Love someone? Of course.
29. Your favorite color? Blue or red
30. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier today- probably at myself
31. Last time you cried? Thursday

BONUS: Here are Mr. H's answers

1. Where is your cell phone? On the bar
2. Where is your significant other? Next to me
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Crazy (got that right!)
5. Your father? At home
6. Your favorite thing? Cars
7. Your dream last night? Don't know
8. Your dream/goal? Too many
9. The room you're in? Kitchen
10. Your hobby? pastime? My pastime??? Because I'm so old...
11. Your fear? Failing
12. Where do you want to be in six years? On a ranch
13. Where were you last night? At home
14. What you're not? Stupid
15. One of your wish list items? Ferrari
16. Where you grew up? Texas
17. The last thing you did? Went to grocery store
18. What are you wearing? shorts and a tank
19. Your T.V.? Can't live without it!
20. Your pets? One bunny, one dog
21. Your computer? Finicky
22. Your mood? Hopeful :-)
23. Missing someone? My boys, grandma, grandpa
24. Your car? Will scare you- lol.
25. Something you're not wearing? Underwear
26. Favorite store? Home Depot
27. Your Summer? Not too bad
28. Love someone? Absolutely
29. Your favorite color? Black
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today (at my wife)
31. Last time you cried? Thursday

I tag Nanny, Becky, Kristi, Rachel, Lori, Chrystina, Erica and Mrs. Muelly for this meme. I chose them, not because I love their blogs any more than others, but because I think they could use the distraction. Happy blogging!

6 By Me

1. In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after?

Before: Whole

After: Broken

In one picture, this represents my before and after.

2. How do you feel around pregnant women?

Envious. Sad. Worried. Jealous. Mad. Angry. Hurt. In all honesty, it doesn't bother me now as much as it used to. I wish I were pregnant, but more than that I want the baby that comes after pregnancy. There are times when I want what they have, and there are times I wish they would just go away. It's not so much that I am angry about seeing or being around pregnant women, I just MISS my boys so much when those women do have their babies. I realize what I don't have and my heart aches.

3. How do you answer the 'how many children' question?

I guess it all depends on the situation and my mood. There are times when I need to talk about them and times when I don't want to be sad so I don't mention them. I don't really get the "how many?" question very often, though. And for that I am grateful.

4. How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?

My little brother is 13, but he was 11 when Sam died. I was in the hospital very early Tuesday morning and my mom called home to tell Aaron what had happened. He cried and said, "Damn it!" I think he understood what was happening though I never said a word to him. He saw the pain written all over my face and he knows what death is. When he saw Sam's lifeless body in the hospital for the first time he questioned why he looked the way he did. We told him it was because he was born way too early and wasn't fully formed. He never asked any questions after that.

For any future children we may have, they will definitely know about Sam and Jack. They will not be denied a "relationship" with their brothers. I had an older sister that was born prematurely and died a few hours after birth. To this day, I don't really know much about her. I want to know her story. I feel cheated. She did exist, but it's like she didn't. I can't and won't do that to my children- dead or alive.

5. What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?

I am definitely not done with baby making. Although I'm sure Mr. H would be a lot less anxious if I were. He wants more children, but he doesn't know how to get past the pain in order to try again. I don't know how I will get through it, but I know I'll have help with a cerclage. Emotionally, I know I'll be a wreck but as long as a baby is born alive (and stays alive) at the end if it, I'll get over it. Of course, blogger support and prayers will be needed as well.

6. Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?

This one really stumped me...hmmm. This one is hard for me because I don't really remember anyone saying anything really supportive after Sam died. I'm not saying that they didn't say anything, I just don't remember it. If I were offering words of comfort to someone who had just experienced their first loss, I would say that everything will get better. But it doesn't always.

All I can say now is "I'm sorry."

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This meme comes from Glow In The Woods. Check out other deadbaby momma's responses here. I'm not going to tag anyone this go round, but feel free to answer these 6 questions in the comment section or on your own blog. If you do this meme let me know so I can be sure to read it :-)

Busy Bee

I was tagged by Beth at Kindred Hart Photography a couple days ago. There are no exact rules for this meme, but I'm supposed to list 10 things that have been keeping me busy.

1. I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and I am really enjoying it. I highly recommend getting one for yourself and for a friend. I got mine from C.ostco for $9 as opposed to paying full price at the book store. Go get it and read it!
2. I'm still taking care of LD 3-4 times a week. He's a good kid, but he's been a little shit lately. If he doesn't get his way, he attempts to bite- a habit I'm trying to break. And he takes huge drinks of water, but instead of drinking, he opens his mouth and it spills all over his clothes. His mom just changes him when his clothes get soaked. I take away his water.
3. I'm trying to find paint colors for both my bathrooms. All the rooms in our house are "summertime white" I think it was the default color for all the houses in this town. I don't mind white walls because we have colorful furniture and rugs, but the bathrooms could use some color. I want to find a coordinating color for our master bath that looks good with our bedding- a grayed blue green. And a nice cafe au lait/tan/sandy color for our palm tree bathroom. It's been harder than I thought.
4. Of course I've been blogging. It is so time consuming to read, write and comment on almost 40 blogs. If I don't leave comments, it's because I'm overwhelmed by the amount of blogs to read.
5. It's a lot of work to keep my husband fed. He's not picky about what he eats, but to cook and bake for him (almost daily) without getting bored with the same ol' thing takes time and thought and planning.
6. We have a nice home (in my opinion). It's not small, or too big and we are comfortable in it. But our landscaping was a mess! I say "was" because we just had it redone and it looks fabulous. The people who lived here in this house before we moved in 2 and a half years ago planted a whole boatload of stuff. The man of the house, was in charge of landscaping at a huge company in town. So he would have his crew men come to his/our house and plant stuff in the flower beds. There wasn't really any structure, though. He just put stuff in the ground wherever there was empty space. Sounds like a pretty sweet thing, really, but those plants grew and grew and grew-into each other, turning into an overgrown mess. I attempted to "garden" but I don't have a green thumb whatsoever. So we had a landscaping company come out last week to weed, prune and transplant, remove what we didn't want and mulch. I finally feel the the outside matches the inside- pretty.
7. We (when I say "we", I really am only talking about myself) are planning a vacation in June. LD and his mom are going to V.enezuela for 3+ weeks, so I will have time for myself. I have been looking for vacation homes, and things to do in Colorado. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears :-)
8. Obsessing over my skin and keeping it clean. My face still hasn't cleared. Well it did, but it came back. I have gone to the doctor twice (two different doctors) and called once. I have tried 2 creams and an antibiotic. It is definitely better than it was, but it's still yucky. My face was looking really great and clear, but last Saturday we went to the farmer's market and next door they had an Earth day fest. I got some sun and that aggravated things again even though I had sunscreen on. Damn sun.
9. I take pictures almost daily. Whether it's a new growth in the garden, something I made in the kitchen, a recent trip or of the pets doing silly things, I keep my camera close by. I like discovering new angles of everyday things. It's fun and I like sharing with you guys.
10. And of course, I spend a great deal of my time thinking about my boys. I miss them and I dream of them. I hope for them and myself. I grieve them. I wish and hope and dream of a day when I will be okay. When I won't be so sad. When I won't be reminded of what I have lost. And that in itself takes up about 90% of my time.

I tag Monica, Mrs. Muelly, Rachel, Kristi and Becky! I want to know what keeps you ladies busy other than the obvious :-)

My Bookshelf

This was posted on Niobe's blog and I thought it was interesting. I wasn't going to participate initially because my books aren't that interesting, but while I was taking care of LD yesterday, I set my camera down on the nightstand while it was still on and I saw this in the view finder. I can't say the books are that interesting, but I like that angles and the colors. I just used the word "interesting" 3, now 4 times in this paragraph alone! Now that's interesting :-)

I hadn't really noticed until now, but my miscarriage/loss books are next to my sappy "Chicken Soup for the Bride's Soul" book. I don't think those two books should ever be together.

True or False?

Here are the answers you've all been waiting for...lol.

1). I used to live on a boat.

TRUE- When I was younger (10), we lived in A.rlington, VA. My mom was dating a C.ongressman for over 10 years, but they never got married (this topic really deserves an entire post all on it's own). Towards the end of their relationship, they got into a fight and we moved out of his condo. He had a house boat on the P.otomac River in D.C. called the Y.ellow R.ose. We lived on that for a while before we moved back to Texas.

2). When I was younger, I wanted to be an eye model.

TRUE- I never really thought I was pretty growing up. I was teased as a child because I had big eyes, they called me a "rana" which is spanish for frog. I was also different because I was the only one who didn't have brown eyes in my family. But I learned to like them and thought even though I wasn't "model" pretty, I had pretty eyes. I wanted to be a "contact" model.

3). I was born with perfect teeth.

FALSE-I wish this were true, I could have saved my mom a few thousand dollars. I wore braces for 2y7w3d. They were painful and ugly, but I'm grateful for the smile I have today even if my teeth are slightly off center.

4). I love The G.odfather. I've seen the trilogy at least a dozen times.

FALSE- Monica (A Pregnancy After a Stillbirth) may kill me for this, but I've never seen The G.odfather. Any of them. I own the trilogy, just never seen it. Don't really have a desire to either. I have seen the horse head in the bed part, and where they blow up the car, but that's it.

5). I sucked my thumb til I was 5.

FALSE- I don't know if I ever sucked my thumb, but I did suck my toes ;-) I used to deny this until my mom took a picture of me doing it.

6). I've never gotten a speeding ticket, although I drive like Mario A.ndretti!

FALSE- I have gotten a speeding ticket, but only one and it was a speed trap. So technically it wasn't my fault. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Oh, and I do drive like Mario, but that's a learned habit from a husband who drives race cars for a hobby.

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Edited To Add: Please stop by to say hello or send good baby vibes to Becky at Life With Love And Loss. She had to have a TAC (transabdominal cerclage) placed yesterday. The procedure is pretty invasive and can be risky, but she would do anything to save her baby. She will be in the hospital until Sunday, but she is currently doing well. She could use all the prayers and good thoughts she can get, so please make an effort to visit her blog.

Yet Another Leap Year Meme

I was tagged by Erica a few weeks ago and just totally forgot to do it, so here it is. Happy Leap Year everyone!

This one consists of 6 statements. 4 are lies and 2 are true. Guess which ones are which.


1). I used to live on a boat.

2). When I was younger, I wanted to be an eye model.

3). I was born with perfect teeth.

4). I love The G.odfather. I've seen the trilogy at least a dozen times.

5). I sucked my thumb til I was 5.

6). I've never gotten a speeding ticket, although I drive like Mario A.ndretti!


I tag Jenna, JGirl, and Virginia. Good luck, it's harder than you think.

T-a-g-g-e-d

I was tagged by Monica. Here it goes.

The rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you (see above).
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.
Six non-important things about me:

1). I squeeze toothpaste from the middle of the tube.

2). I always sit with one leg folded under me, or one leg crossed.

3). I often have dreams where I am running down a flight of stairs really super fast as if I am chasing someone or being chased.

4). If I'm going to drink out of a plastic cup, I have to have a straw.

5). I am obsessed with penguins. I puffy heart them!

6). I mentally outline people's profiles in my head over and over. It drives me nuts, but I can't stop.


I am tagging Nanny, Christyna, and Becky! Have fun ladies :-)