Hayden is Sick

Hayden has been sick for about a week now. But not the typical cough, sneeze, runny nose sick that one would expect a kid to have. Instead he's been running a fever for days now.

It started last Sunday. He felt warm to the touch but I wasn't home to check his temperature so I didn't check it until Monday. All day Monday it was about 100.9. I gave him Tylenol but that didn't seem to help much. Tuesday morning he was burning up so I gave him more Tylenol and called the doctor. We went in to see him and they checked his nose, throat and ears. All were fine. Because of his previous history with having fluid in his kidneys they wanted to get a urine sample from him. They inserted a catheter and pressed on his bladder which let out big soggy tears. It hurt my heart to see him in pain. Once they were done, he was fine again but it was still upsetting. The urine test came came fine- no infection. Thank goodness.

The next step would have been to do a blood test but we decided to not put him through any more torture. Since Wednesday was a holiday, the doctors office was closed. The doctor gave us the option to take a blood sample from him or to wait it out til Thursday to see if the fever would go away on it's own. We waited.

The fever didn't go away. It was averaging about 102 but went all the way up to 103.7 and as low as 101. Wednesday night he got sick and threw up all over me and down my shirt. Talk about gross. We both got cleaned up then went to bed. Thursday morning we noticed that he still had a dry diaper and got concerned. At that point he had about 10 ounces of milk in him yet no pee was coming out. I fed him cereal and milk and shortly after eating that he threw up again. I called the doctor back and they suggested we just head to the hospital to be treated for possible dehydration.

We head to the hospital after Hayden's nap (about 4:00pm) and he still has a dry diaper. At this point I'm afraid they're going to have to put an IV into his little arms to hydrate him. The weird thing about all of this is that before the vomiting started, Hayden's only symptom was fever. Otherwise he was acting normal, eating normal, playing and happy. If he weren't hot to the touch and flushed you'd never know something was wrong with him. The doctor examined him and said he looked good. He gave him meds to help with nausea, thinking that would allow him to drink milk and keep it down. While waiting in the ER, he napped for about half an hour, then woke up and drank 4 oz of milk and an ounce and a half of diluted juice. Then after 17 or so hours, he had a wet diaper. yay! The doc on call was happy with that so he gave us a prescription for anti-nausea medication and sent us on our way. Again he gave us the option of hooking him up to an IV to hydrate him but we opted not to.

So far, the fever is mostly gone- it's still about 100 but he looks so much better. Though I think his stomach is still bothering him because he's not eating much. We had the Rx filled at Walgreen's and instead of filling it as written in a dissolvable tablet, they filled it as a liquid. Hayden did not react well to the liquid, gagged on it, then threw it up along with his dinner. ugh. The next day we called the pharmacy to refill it as a tablet and they said they couldn't fill the same Rx twice once the medication has left their pharmacy. The reason they filled it as a liquid in the first place is because our insurance wouldn't pay for the tablet. So Walgreen's had to call the hospital and speak with the on-call doctor and have him refax another prescription. They filled it the proper way, but we had to pay out of pocket for it.

Anyway, I've stopped giving him Tylenol since his fever is down, but he's still not eating much. Rather than eating 4-5 bottles a day, he's eating 2-3 in addition to cereal. He's taking the cereal pretty well, but he's not interested in any kind of liquids even when I give him the nausea medication. I don't know if it's working but he seemed to be keeping food down. And he's not acting like he's hungry. Until tonight when he puked all over me again before he went to bed. There's something about having a pool of vomit sloshing in your bra that is rather unappealing. This time I got some in my mouth too. Nasty to the nth degree.

Hayden also has a rash covering his body. The doctor said this might happen after his fever broke so we weren't too concerned once it appeared. It's not itching or bothering him that I can tell. It started under his arm on his left side and it has spread all over his torso, his neck and scalp and a tad over his face. I'm not sure how long this will last, but he just can't seem to catch a break. He's never been sick before so this is just a lot to happen over a course of one week.

On top of all that, he's not been sleeping well. I don't know if it's because his stomach is bothering him, if he's hurting or what. He wakes a couple times a night looking for his pacifier and then he goes back to sleep. Sometimes I'll rock him if I need to, but it's not always necessary. The past few nights though, he's been waking up any where between 3 and 5 am, crying abruptly and hysterically. He's inconsolable, doesn't want to be held, and just starts kicking me. I don't know what's going on. It lasts for a few minutes then he goes back to sleep. Because he's not sleeping well, he's taking an extra nap during the day to make up for it.

It's just been a rough week here in the H household. My mom's birthday was Thursday and I planned to make her dinner and a cake but we ended up spending our time in the ER instead so that didn't happen. I invited the family over tonight for her birthday dinner and while here, she tried to give him Tylenol and Orajel for his teething and she gave him gas drops.

She drives me crazy. EVERY time she babysits she gives him Tylenol and Orajel because "He's teething bad" as she would say. I don't give him meds unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't just pump his body full of crap hoping that one of those elixirs will fix him. I don't even know that he had gas but she gave him drops anyway. I know he was hesitant to eat and maybe that's why she thought he was gassy, but I was just giving him time to develop an appetite before trying again. I wanted to try giving him milk to see if he would take it before giving him the nausea medication. He wouldn't so I gave him a tablet. Later he ate.

After I gave him the meds, she took him to change his diaper. I was on the phone and the next thing I know she's digging in the diaper bag looking for Orajel and Tylenol because his teeth are bothering him. Honestly? He's been biting down and sticking his hands in his mouth since he was three months old. He didn't get teeth until 9 months. I've given him Tylenol and teething gels and he still bites down and chews on his thumb and other toys. It's not a cure-all and I'm not going to keep giving him dose after dose just because he's chewing on his pacifier. I stopped her from giving him more meds and offered a cold teether instead. 2 minutes later she said, "he doesn't want those". She annoys me.

I went to put Hayden to bed and Mr. H walked my mom out to her car. She had the nerve to ask him "why doesn't she give him what he needs?" referring to medication. How dare she? I do my absolute best to care for Hayden. Sure I make mistakes and I'm not the worlds best mom but I'm trying. Does she think if I gave him a daily does of Tylenol that I'd be a better mom? I'm pissed at her so I haven't talked to he about this yet. I made turkey pesto meatballs and spaghetti for dinner. Before she even tasted them, she gave away two of her meatballs to my brother. Apparently I served her too much. She ending up eating half of her spaghetti and left the meatballs because she "doesn't like meatballs", but then claimed that "dinner was good". Um, I'm glad she liked the jarred Prego sauce because that's all she ate. How rude can one be? If someone made me a birthday dinner, I'd be cordial and eat it even if I didn't think it was the best meal.

Whatever, I'm just annoyed so I'm venting. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. If you have any input on Hayden's illness or sleeping issues, I'd love to hear it. Some people have suggested that it could be Roseola, but I'm not convinced since the symptoms didn't quite match up. Anyone else experience any of this with their kids?

Dear Abby

This has been on my mind lately so I thought I'd share it here and hope someone has some insight for me.

I have not spoken to my Dad since Sam died in August 2006- that was five and a half years ago. He lives over 9 hours away, though it's still in Texas and is self employed. I'm mentioning that now because it's crucial to the rest of the story. When Sam died, I called him and invited him to the funeral. Does one really need an invite to a funeral??? Anyway, I needed my Dad to be there for me. I had just lost my baby and was at the darkest moment in my life.

I've never had a close relationship to my Dad. My parents divorced when I was very young, not even sure how old I was. I never lived with him. My mom left us with my grandparents to live and while we lived in the same town as my Dad I just saw him on the weekends. My mom lived in another city. So basically my grandparents were our guardians and our parents. But my Dad paid child support, on occasion, when he felt like it.

Things were better between us as I got older because I didn't need him to take care of me. I didn't need him to pay for anything for me. I was independent and did things on my own. I moved away to a larger city in Texas to live with my mom. We spoke on the phone, we saw eachother when we returned to visit my grandparents. He and my mom both walked me down the aisle when Mr. H and I married 7 years ago. Heck he even came and spent Thanksgiving at our new house in 2005. We had a decent relationship, though we never really had that typical father-daughter type of relationship.

Okay back to when Sam died. I assumed he would be coming to the funeral. I never asked him to, but we spoke on the phone about it, and I gave him all the funeral arrangement information he would need. As soon as my aunt and grandparents found out that I had lost the baby, they drove all night to come be with us. They all live in the same town. I didn't necessarily expect him to do the same, but I thought with a few days notice he could arrange to be there to see his grandson before we buried him. Instead he called me and said they weren't coming because he had to work. Remember, I mentioned that he's self employed and my step mom works for a church. I'm pretty sure they could have arranged something if they wanted to. Money is not an issue so it wasn't because they couldn't have afforded the trip. He said they would come a few days later and we could "go shopping" to take my mind off of things. I was heartbroken, first by the lost of my son then because of my Dad.

After thinking about this for 5 1/2 years, I have come to see things a little differently. His words hurt me then, but I now understand (or I think I do) that he was probably just uncomfortable with the situation and he didn't know what to do, so coming for a social visit was easier. I now know that he didn't intend to hurt me by his actions and words. What I don't understand though is that my Dad is highly religious. They are a huge part of the church and attend 3 days a week, and both services on Sunday. My step mom works there during the week as a secretary and he is an usher. They preach the Bible, pray like it's going out of style and are quick to point fingers at people and other family members who "aren't good people". How hypocritical can one be? He claims to be a "man of God" but doesn't live by what the Bible says,.Though if you were to ask him he would say differently. My Grandma summed it up by saying "he has religion, not God".

Let me back up about 35 years. My mom and my Dad lost their first child together. It was a girl and she was born several weeks early and didn't survive. No one talks about her. I don't even know much about her other than her name, her birthday and that she was premature. So given this information, I expected him to be more sympathetic towards me and my situation. Perhaps my loss just brought back so many memories of his loss that he just couldn't deal with it??? Maybe so, but he had to have felt some kind of connection to what I was feeling. Was he not devastated or sad, or hurting, or disappointed like I was? It was almost as if he was completely disconnected.

I conveyed my disappointment towards my Dad to my mom. I was completely hurt. I needed my Dad more than ever and once again he was not there for me. If there was ever a time to step up, that was it. He didn't. My mom called him and left him a nasty voice mail, only I didn't know about it until after the fact. Well apparently he saved it and still has it and assumed that everything my mother said to him about me hating him and never wanting to see him again was exactly how I felt. He assumed because she said it, that it was directly from me. He, to this day, thinks that I was sitting right there next to my mom feeding her info so she could leave it on his answering machine. I did not. Am I mad at my mom for leaving that message? No because she was hurt because I was hurting and she spoke from her heart, even if it was out of anger. She did what she thought was best and was sticking up for me. Sure she said some not nice things to him but it's not her fault that we are on the situation we are in. He's been a disappointment all my life, this just sealed the deal.

In October of 2006, I sent my Dad a picture of baby Sam, a packet of Forget-Me-Not flower seeds, a blue remembrance ribbon and the funeral pamphlet with all the burial info on it. That was my way of making an effort to include him. At that point it had been two months without speaking to him and I never heard from him as to whether or not he even received the package. He said and did nothing to acknowledge me or his grandson. To this day, he still hasn't. I'm not even sure that he knew that I was pregnant Jack and lost him too. I wasn't even sure that he knew that I was pregnant with Hayden either.

My brother has a "relationship" with him. My brother says it works between them because my brother doesn't expect anything from him. "If you don't expect anything, you can't be disappointed" he says. Well if you ask me, that's bullshit. How can one call that a relationship? Especially when it's with a parent. I'm sorry, but I need more than that. I expect more than that from my friends and neighbors, much less my father! Isn't that what a relationship is? It's about give and take, it's about respect and courtesy towards eachother. Am I wrong? My Dad treats my brother like crap and my brother keeps going back and calling him and fixing things because he longs for that relationship too. Clearly my brother is the better man.

Anyway, about 3 years ago, my brother told me that my dad was asking about me and was wondering how I was doing. I told my brother that if he wanted to know about me all he had to do was ask. My brother then said that my dad was not going to call or reach out to me because I was "the one with the problem". That sent me over the top! Especially since he was the one inquiring about me, not the other way around.

Fast forward to now. My brother is in town visiting. He lives with my grandparents in the same town as my Dad. He and my Dad see and speak to eachother pretty regularly. My Dad told my brother that he had been having dreams about me and was concerned about me and was hoping that I was okay. He told my brother to really talk to me to and establish how I was doing. My brother told him to call me and ask and he replied that he was not going to call because I needed to do that. He told my brother that he just didn't know when I was going "to come around". I don't get it?! It's not as if he's ever reached out to me to make amends. EVER. Maybe he thinks he has because he's been trying to work things out between us using my brother as a middle man. That's not fair to my brother. And my brother has such a big heart and really wants us to work things out that he tries so hard to convince us both to be the better person and to make the first move. But here's where the problem lies. I'm not sure I care to have a relationship with him anymore and that's sad.

I think in a perfect world, we would have a relationship. We would spend holidays together and he would call me on my birthday. He hasn't done that in forever! But things are not perfect and I've spent way too much of my time hoping for him to change and become a father. Now I do believe people can change and he has definitely turned his life around from where he used to be, but still our relationship is not a priority. As I said earlier, my Dad broke my heart. I still love him and I think of him from time to time, but I am no longer holding my breath waiting for him to come around. I have found fatherly roles in other people around me because he wasn't there. After 5 1/2 years I have accepted that things are the way the are. I have accepted that we may not ever have a relationship and I'm finally okay with that. Thinking about him no longer makes me angry (until now!).

But since Hayden has been born, things have changed. He wants a picture of Hayden. He got his feelings hurt because I didn't send him a birth announcement or a Christmas card with Hayden's picture on it. Why would I? I haven't sent him one in the years past so it's not like I just decided to exclude him this year. But every year I send one to his mother (my fraternal grandmother) and he saw it. I'd be more than happy to send him a picture of Hayden if he called and asked for one, but I'm not sending one if he's asking through my brother. I'm not trying to be stubborn here, I just think I deserve more than that.

There was a point where I had so much to say to him and a wise friend of mine told me that he wasn't worth my time and energy. That being upset and holding a grudge only upset me, it only affected me, not him. And that's when I finally understood that she was right. It's like that whole forgiveness thing. You forgive people to set yourself free not to let the people who've wronged you off the hook. I can't say for sure that I have forgiven him, but I've accepted the way things are and I've moved on with my life.

I guess what upsets me now is that my Dad is bringing up the voice mail that my mom left. And saying that because she said I hated him, that I must. I don't hate him. I've told my brother that and he's told my Dad that but he doesn't believe him. He's even spoken to my mom on multiple occasions and he's never once brought it up to her. He wants me to call and tell him that I don't hate him. My Dad says I shouldn't hold on to the past because "the past will kill you" but that's exactly what he's doing. He's a hypocrite. I've moved on and he's dragging me back to that dark place that I don't want to be. I've asked my brother to stop relaying his messages to me and he's asked my Dad the same thing but they just keep on coming. I keep replaying these conversations in my head and it just angers and frustrates me. My brother thinks it's his fault and it's not.

I'm not sure what to do with all of this. I don't feel that it's necessary for me to call. I'm not the one that has anything to say to him. I've made my peace within myself. I've beaten myself up over this for far too long and I'm done. I have my own family that fulfills me and he's not part of it- that was his choice. I think he wants to be a part of Hayden's life though and I'm just not okay with that. He can't have a relationship with my son without having one with me. I'd rather Hayden not know about his grandfather than to ever be disappointed by him like I have been all my life. I don't ever want Hayden to feel unloved or hurt by that man. And I surely don't think it's my responsibility to introduce Hayden into his life just because they're related. If he wants to know Hayden, isn't that his responsibility to make an effort?

Please set me straight here. If I'm wrong, tell me. Is there something I'm not seeing here? Can some of you relate to his side of the story? I need enlightenment. I don't want to deprive Hayden of a relationship with my Dad, but he's just not a good father and I want to protect him from all the hurt he's caused me over my lifetime. Then I start second guessing myself and think that just because he was a crappy father to me doesn't mean he'll be that way with Hayden. But how do I know? It's just too risky.

In The Hospital, On Bedrest

On Wednesday, I went to my regular OB visit. I had an ultrasound done where we got to see the Mister hide his face with his fist. When prodded, he only raised the other arm in defiance. He did not want his picture taken :-)

I then proceeded to get another (weekly) P-17 injection (to prevent preterm labor) and dropped off a urine sample. My urine contained protein in it so my doctor sent me home with a couple of jugs to collect my urine for 24 hours. On Thursday, I returned my sample to the lab where they also drew blood.

On Friday, I returned back to the doctor for a follow up visit and to check on my blood pressure. My doctor was worried that because of the protein levels in my urine that it could lead to pre-eclampsia. So checking on my BP was just a precaution. A couple of days before it was 120/80 so I wasn't the least bit concerned. Apparently my doctor knows what she's talking about because when I went in for the follow up visit, my blood pressure was up to 140/93, my urine still contained elevated levels of protein and I had gained 8 pounds in a matter of 2 days- that's insane! I haven't been swollen or puffy in the least so I don't know where all the hidden weight is.

Immediately my doctor made me go home and pack my bags and sent me to L&D. Usually Mr. H goes with me to all my appointments but on Friday morning he had taken his Dad to a Senior Retreat at the YMCA- something they do every Friday. I tried calling him but couldn't get a hold of him. I ended up leaving a message on his phone in which I was sobbing uncontrollably, so I sent him a text as well. At the time of my message, he was swimming with his Dad but once he got it he came rushing to me immediately and met me at the hospital for check-in. He's been by my side as well as my family and friends.

I got here yesterday at 1pm. They've taken my blood a couple times, put in a locked IV, are currently running another 24-urine culture, taken my temp, checked my blood pressure and are constantly monitoring Mister's heart rate and activity. He is doing great! It's me they're worried about. At the u/s on Wednesday he was measuring at 4 lbs. 1 oz. which I thought was just fabulous. However, now that I know he will be born early, I worry that he's too small to enter this world. My doctor suspects he'll be born around 34 weeks gestation, which is a week and a half away! Until then, I will remain on bedrest until further notice. There is no set date on which he will be here, we'll just continue to take it day by day and if he starts to go in distress, then he'll be delivered.

I've heard many success stories about babies being born at this gestation. I know having the steroid injections to strengthen his lungs is a plus and being here in this safe place is the best thing for us. It just hurts my heart to know that he'll have to spend time in the NICU. I don't worry for myself, I worry for him. I just feel like my body has failed my children again. This is not the birth story I dreamt of, but I suppose what matters most is that he's healthy, viable, safe, thriving and ALIVE. Nothing else really matters, nor does it ever go the way we plan them.

Please know that I'm not complaining, I'm just worried and I feel unprepared for all of this. Our induction date wasn't scheduled until September 14th at 11:45am and in a matter of moments the tables have turned and I'm feeling a little anxious. I thank God everyday for this miracle baby and I know how lucky and blessed I am (we are) to even have made it this far in the pregnancy. Right now all I can do is trust that "this is exactly where we are meant to be" even if I don't understand or like it.

Thank you for reading and for being here for me,

~Monica

Titled "Powerless"

I just saw this on PostSecret and it broke my heart.

Why would someone do that?

Another Thing To Worry About

I was going to write about the trans abdominal cerclage procedure and my experience, but I haven't been motivated to do it...yet. But I wanted to update you with what's going on. I went to the doctor last Tuesday and opted to do the First Screen test. It's done in the first trimester and it checks to see if you're at risk for carrying a baby with Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18. I did it with both Sam and Jack and all was fine with them. So I elected to do it again this time.

There are a few different things they check for when they do this test. They do an ultrasound to check the thickness on the back of the neck (nuchal translucency), which can be an indicator of Down's. They also do a simple blood test (finger prick) and send it off, results are back in a week. They called me today to let me know that I am not at risk for carrying a baby with Down's Syndrome (Trisomy 21) but that I am at a slightly elevated risk for carrying a baby with Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome).

I know that there is a 5% chance of the results being false positive, but there's also a 95% chance that I could be at risk of carrying a baby with Trisomy 18. The doctor told me not to worry "too much" because my risk of being a carrier is only slightly elevated, but how in the hell do I NOT worry? Of course I'm going to worry, it's in my nature. They base the results on the ultrasound, the blood results as well at my age at delivery. The nurse practitioner said that the normal range for someone my age (28) to have a baby with Trisomy-18 is 1 in 150, but that my risk was 1 in 137. That seems awfully high to me. I tried to call them back to verify those numbers but they had closed 3 minutes prior. This is not a diagnostic test, but purely a test to determine if you need further testing.

They said they'd refer me to a perinatologist and would call me back with an appointment date tomorrow. I admit, I googled and got sucked in, so I shut it all down and am trying not to worry about this. I don't feel like anything is wrong, but I know that doesn't mean much. I don't want to think about even losing another child. I do know that Trisomy 18 is a deadly disease though and that 50% of babies die within 2 months and 90% die within 12 months. I don't want this to be my story. That scares the shit out of me.

Again, I have to remind myself that just because I am at a slightly elevated risk of having a baby with T-18, doesn't mean that he or she has it. This it is not a death sentence. The baby could be totally fine and I'm worrying for nothing. I hope this is the case, but we'll have to wait and do further testing- another ultrasound, more blood tests and possibly a more invasive amnio. I'll know more tomorrow, hopefully, but I just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm hoping that by letting go of this worry and putting it out there, that it will help me deal with all this. And if you guys want to pray and cross your fingers, I'd appreciate that too.

Thanks.

When A 4 Year Old Makes You Cry

I love my job. I love the kids I nanny for. Sure, I bitch sometimes about it but who doesn't complain about their job from time to time? I think mostly the reason I complain is because I think they take their kids for granted. But my reproductive path is very different from theirs, so I can't expect them to understand. I can only hope they'd be sympathetic and considerate of my feelings and for the most part they do and are. But sometimes it's the ones you least expect to hurt you that do.

I'm talking about the little one-- the 4 year old. Actually, he's not quite 4, but he will be in a couple weeks. I picked him up from school last Friday and he was in a good mood. He was happy and thrilled that when he got home he was going to get to decorate cupcakes for his early Halloween party. But somewhere between driving from school to home, he got snarky. He said I couldn't come to his party unless I wore a costume. Whatever.

Then he said that he didn't invite me to his party and that I couldn't come. Again, whatever. I told him that he was being rude and he should be nice to me since I was going to help him decorate the cupcakes. He then got loud with me and said that he wanted his mom to decorate the cupcakes and that since I wasn't invited I should drop him off and go home. His words... "Just drop me and leave". He repeated it several times and I finally raised my voice and told him that he was being rude and he should have a little more respect for me. It was like talking to a teenager- in one ear and out the other.

His response was "Just drop me, talk to my mom and leave Monica. I didn't invite you to my party. My friends and their moms are coming, that's all. You're not a mom so you can't come."

And that's where I sat there in silence and a little piece of me died inside. I was angry and hurt. So I got to his house, unloaded him from his car seat and gave him stuff and got back in the car...ready to leave. He cried because he was afraid I was going to leave him. Was I acting childish? Absolutely. How else do you reason with a 4 year old at a time like that? It wasn't until I got home and told Mr. H about it that I broke down.

"You're not a mom so you can't come" Words mumbled by a 4 year old that hurt me to my core. It brings tears to my eyes just typing those very words.

I AM A MOTHER DAMNIT!

RIP August

Our bunny died unexpectedly this morning around 2:45am. We are deeply saddened and miss him terribly.

August

8/25/07 - 8/18/10

Back and Forth

I think I go through different stages in my grief. As we all do. In this case I'm referring to finding out about someone's new pregnancy or baby. Believe me I'm thrilled for you (whoever you are) but it's like a punch in the gut for me.

At first it used to be really hard and I would cry over their great news. Then I got to the point where I could handle it and was hopeful for them and their news made me smile and I processed it well. I'm back to the point where hearing or reading about such news causes me much anxiety. I'm mean like serious, butterflies in my tummy, raised blood pressure and on the verge on a panic attack anxiety.

If I fail to congratulate you or comment on your blog or slap a smile on my face I'm truly sorry. I AM happy for you. I am. I wish you all the best. But just thinking about it makes my stomach churn (as it is right now!). Things will change again in the future but as of right now I just can't deal with it. Forgive me.

Moms Day Out

I debated with myself about writing this post. I always fear that when I talk about someone they're going to find out and it will end up biting me in the ass. However I'm not talking about this person in a bad way, just as I see it. That just so happens to not be so good :-)

Mr. H's cousin invited me to lunch today. She has a 3 1/2 year old that was born just days before Sam. I love her I really do. And while we have a few things in common and we get along well, we just aren't that much alike. For instance she is 12 years older than me and is a mother to 3 living children. That is who and what she is-- a mother.

She brought her child along with us to lunch and I knew this so it wasn't a surprise to me but it was so hard to not look at him and wonder about my Sam. They would be the same age, had he lived. Would they be friends? Would his mom and I be closer? Would we have play dates? Just the thought of that is sickening. I just don't know. But today made me realize what I am not. Or rather what I do not have.

We live fairly close to one another so she picked me up and we went to the mall since she and I both had a couple things to return. After that, we went to Gy.mbor.ee, Chi.ldrens P.lace, The Di.sney St.ore, we waited so her wee one could get on a carousel in the middle of the mall, we browsed the windows of Bu.ild A Be.ar and we had lunch in the food court. After that we went to a larger department store so I could look for something to wear for the funeral. When we left we picked up her kiddos from school.

Now I don't want to say that she was being selfish in wanting to go to these places because that is her life and those are her interests. Those are the places she needs to go...but I have no business in there whatsoever! In fact most of the time I was watching the stroller or making sure her child didn't run out of the store while she was shopping. At one point she handed me her Starbucks and asked me to hold on to it so she she could finish looking. It was my day off yet I was still running after a 3 year old. This bothered me. A lot.

Not to defend her or her actions but maybe this is what she and her friends do together???

Of course I said nothing. What could I say? I don't fault her for being a mother. I don't fault her for not knowing what it's like to be a childless mother. And while she did try to make small talk about us TTC, she just doesn't get it. We live in separate worlds and yet just a couple miles in between.

An Explanation

I'm sorry for the last post. Well not really sorry, but I didn't mean to make any of you feel like I didn't appreciate your friendship. Sarah, you in particular.

I just get in my ruts, at least a couple times a month, where I feel let down by the world. It's a stupid selfish feeling and it's all because I can't have what I want. I know that you can all relate.

I just feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck sometimes. Looking at me you couldn't tell, but my spirit is crushed. I feel defeated. I know that some of you can relate to what I'm feeling at this very moment and some of you have no idea what's running through my mind. And that's okay. My last post wasn't meant to be a roll call to see who actually read my blog, but it did confirm who doesn't. And that hurts a little.

It just seems that everyday is a roller coaster ride for me. I'm up and I'm down. I cry then I'm over it and move on. I'm exaggerating a little bit. Not every day is like this but enough to make a difference. According to my boss there's a "baby explosion" happening in this country. And she feels the need to tell me weekly about all her pregnant friends and family, including the one who is pregnant with twins and is naming them Juan Pablo and Pablo Juan (no lie). Every week. "Everyone is just getting pregnant!" Well no, not everyone. I haven't told her what's going on with us because I don't want her to know our business and I don't need the questions that follow. And just think if I had told her a year ago when we started TTC, there would be questions, and feeling sorry for me. And would it make her think twice about opening up her mouth about all the preggos of the world? Probably not.

It's not just her friends that are pregnant either. It's everywhere. It's on many many blogs that I read too which makes me want to shut the laptop and never open it back up. But then I remember that you all are my support system and that would be like turning my back on you and that's not fair. At the same time, it hurts to read some of your blogs. I can't relate at this moment to your parenting problems, or your crying babies and sleepless nights. I can't relate to your growing bellies and that renewed excitement. I can't relate to your nausea so please excuse me if I don't read or comment on your blogs as much. I try, I really do. I subscribe to 130 blogs and I try and read all of them when updated, but sometimes I open up my reader and I'm stuck at the first paragraph unable to read any further. It's paralyzing for me. But know I'm still here.

That's all for now. I just felt like I needed to explain myself a little better. There have been other things but mostly the feeling of being lapped again. I feel like I'm in a different category all together. I just want others who can relate and tell me I'm not alone. I want others who struggle just the same and while I know they're out there it doesn't make me feel any better. As Rachel said, there isn't anything you can do to change my situation or make me feel better. I don't expect you to, because I don't even know how to help myself.

It just seems that my life is one big waiting game while the rest of the world moves on and lives their life. I want to move on and live my life too and I'm not sure how to do that.

While The Feelings Are Still Fresh

I've had tender breasts for 2 weeks.
I thought this months could be it. Where have you heard that before?
I didn't want to say it outloud for risk of jinxing myself or being disappointed and looking/feeling like an asshole later on.
I sat and fed Baby M today and admired his sweet face.
I wondered if I would be feeding my own 10 month old in a year and a half.
I was waiting for a few more days to test.
I was dreaming about what a nice quiet and private weekend Mr. H and I would have together to relish in our news.
News that I made up in my head.
I was thinking about quitting my job, and what a perfect time it would be since I have off the entire month of December anyway.
I went to the bathroom and realized I was wearing the "bad" underwear.
The same pair of underwear I have worn and gotten a visit from Aunt Flo for the last 4 months.
I vowed to myself to throw them away once I got home.
I went to the bathroom before I left work and...well you know.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like an idiot.
Why can't I do this?!
What am I doing wrong?!
Did I mention that this is our 12 month of trying?
I'm afraid of the secondary infertility title.
I don't want the extra burden or expense.
Why is this so difficult?
I feel worthless. Utterly worthless.

Please don't tell me you're sorry.

A Broken Heart

Please take a moment to visit Ms. G. She needs our support right now, more than ever.

raining on my parade

It seems every other post I write is about a visit from AF. This one is no different. If you want to stop reading or if you want to comment and tell me to shut up and stop feeling sorry for self then go ahead. I deserve it.

With my cycle being thrown off because of the unexpected bleeding I had last month I wasn't sure when Aunt Flo would visit. She came today, which I half expected because I was having lower back pain a couple days ago. Before I went to bed last night I went to the bathroom and when I wiped it was faintly pink. I went to bed hoping that was all it was.

I'm not terribly upset. I am frustrated though. I let my mind go there, though I don't tell anyone so I don't jinx myself. I start thinking that I actually could be pregnant because my breast are sore (and have been for 2 weeks now). In fact I got kind of giddy when I woke in the middle of the night to tell Mr. H to stop snoring. You see, I'm a heavy sleeper and can sleep through anything. But when I was pregnant with both boys, the slightest thing woke me up. The one thing that was a constant bother was Mr. H's snoring.

It's not loud by any means but I heard it. So when I woke up in the middle of the night to his snoring I was hopeful. I took it as a sign.

Of course I didn't test though because denial is a good thing. In my mind I think that if I am pregnant and I wait as long as I can to test then at least that much time has passed and I don't have to face reality. Ignorance really is bliss.

And while I'm at it can I just complain (some more!) about everyone else getting pregnant? I started a food blog awhile back to get my mind of things. It really helped and because I love to bake and blog so it was a nice distraction. In food blog lands, things don't get too personal. Sure you get to know people through their style of cooking, and who they cook for but that's as far as it usually goes. It seems though that lately they all keep getting pregnant! I've learned of 4 different pregnancies over the past few weeks. I want to run and hide and bury myself in a different hobby that doesn't involve fertile women. Perhaps knitting with grannies??? Anyone want to join me?

Another frustration of mine is with my health insurance. I was covered under my mom's insurance til I was 25 years old. Then Mr. H and I got our own insurance together (he was previously not covered). For the last 2 years we've been paying for maternity coverage as well just in case. We started out paying $400/month for both of us. That included the maternity benefits. It has gone up twice over the last year and we're now paying $517/ month. About $130 of that is the maternity benefits that I have paid for the last 2 years (accumulated amount $3120!)

We met with a couple insurance reps that met with us at our house to discuss our options for a different provider. They were not aware of my unique circumstances. So after finding out about it, they told us there was not an insurance company that would cover us for any cheaper. We then discovered a rider in insurance agreement that says:

"This policy/certificate does not cover any loss incurred by Monica H as a result of incompetent cervix, complications therefrom, and treatment therefor. This rider specifically excludes loss incurred as a result of preterm labor. "

We could get group insurance (it only takes 2 people to make a group) that would cover everything pertaining to a future pregnancy but that would cost us about $1000/month. We don't have a grand to spend on insurance a month. We can barely afford the $500. So I'm not sure what we're going to do. It's been about 3 weeks since the insurance reps said they'd look into new plans and call our insurance to see exactly what they'll cover. They haven't called us back. And I don't really care.

I've been so sick to my stomach about it all so I haven't made any effort to contact the insurance company to see what they'll cover. Apparently we've been paying all this time for nothing. I wondered what they will cover and according to the policy, they'll pay for hospital stay and medications at delivery. My OB thinks we shouldn't drop the insurance because if that's the only thing they cover that's at least $15,000 we don't have to pay for.

It just pisses me off. How can they take our money and give us a policy for maternity benefits only to say they're not going to cover any maternity care? They're frauds. And how could I have been so stupid to not realize this until now?

Dreams and Crying over Crackers

I've had very vivid dreams this week. I had dreams 4 nights in a row where someone was pregnant. Only once was it me. Other times it was a friend of mine or my aunt. I didn't think much of the first one, then it happened again, and again and again. That was earlier in the week and I haven't had any dreams like them since.

The dream where I was pregnant was very weird. I went to deliver the preemie child, not thinking it was going to survive since it was still so young. When the baby came out, it was very dark skinned (I am not) tiny, but fully developed and it had a head full of dark hair. Hair that was chin length and curled out at the ends- oompa loompa style.

But the interesting part of the dream is that the baby came out and took a deep breath. I found this promising. I don't recall much else, but it was remarkable.

Tuesday night, after grocery shopping I started to put the canned and boxed items in the pantry. At the bottom towards the back of the pantry is a giant tub of animal crackers purchased from Costco. I bought these crackers when I was pregnant with Jack. Yes, I still have them though it's been almost 3 years.

I can't bring myself to throw them away. I had the same problem with throwing away cereal that reminded me of Sam. Except with the cereal, I felt better afterwards. Like a sense of accomplishment. As I was clearing out the pantry, I decided they could be disposed of. Surprisingly they're still crunchy, though they don't taste that fresh.

I was okay with them going in the trash. Or so I thought. Mr. H was putting out the trash for collection and I cried over them being thrown away. It's the only thing still in my pantry that I ate that reminded me of him. I would lay in bed and snack on them before I got up so my stomach wasn't queasy. I kept a baggie of them in my night stand.

I said goodbye to the crackers and got teary. The few tears led to full on crying. OVER ANIMAL CRACKERS! I haven't checked yet, but I think Mr. H put them back in the pantry. I love him.

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
~Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

I feel like uncovering the animal crackers (next to 4 cans of formula) and throwing it away trying to throw it away just pulled the scab off my wounds exposing the raw flesh.

"Stress Doesn't Make Babies"

So.... this month is a bust conception wise. How do I know that you ask? Well there's been no sex, that's why.

Mr. H and I are fine, that's not why we're not doing it just in case you were wondering.

I started my period on August 2 and ended on the 7th. I should have ovulated anywhere between days 14- and 18. I'm not quite sure when I do, but that's when I get peak readings. That also happens to be the same time of month that I feel like complete shit.

I've been getting really bad headaches that sometimes turn into migraines. Along with them comes nausea and all I want to do is sleep. So needless to say no sex on those nights either. Which is bad because that's when we should be doing it! So frustrating.

Then when we did have sex, I was extremely uncomfortable and in pain. It was normal sex, nothing outrageous (this is so weird to talk about...) but it hurt so we stopped. A couple days later we tried again and finished but still not fun for me. We haven't done it since and that was the 15th and 17th. Mr. H is getting anxious.

I made an appointment last Wednesday to see my Gyno then the very next day I started bleeding unexpectedly. I bled for 5 days like a normal cycle. But this throws me off because I don't know if I was ovulating then, or if I'm supposed to start counting from the first day of bleeding and call it a new cycle???

I went to the doctor on Monday and she did an exam and ordered a pelvic ultrasound. Except I had to go to another place to get the u/s because they were all booked up. I got off work early to go get an ultrasound and they couldn't do it because my bladder wasn't full enough, despite drinking the recommended amount of fluid, and they couldn't see anything.

I went back this morning with an uncomfortable-on-the-verge-of-painfully-full bladder. They did the ultrasound and the whole time the tech kept making faces. I know she was just concentrating but her face had a look of concern on it. I know they can't tell me anything about what they're seeing on the screen, but I asked if everything looked okay and all she said was, "I can't say anything" and that was that. So now I have to wait til Friday morning to get the results.

I'm scared. I convinced myself that I was pregnant and was miscarrying and didn't know it. That could be true if 1). We had sex! and 2). I were actually pregnant. I'm not. They did a test that came back negative. I've also convinced myself that I have lady part cancer. I don't know why, my mind just goes there. Really, what else could go wrong?

And on top of all that (yes, it does get worse) I had an allergic reaction to something of Thursday and started breaking out into hives. I've never had allergies so I don't know what is going on. I've been on meds since then but my skin is still really sensitive. I'm still itchy, my hands and feet are itchy and the slightest little scratch turns into red welts. It's not fun.

So that's what's going on with me. When I went to the Gyno the other day the nurse came in to take my blood pressure. I knew it would be up because I was nervous and had a lot going on in my mind. I told her this and she said,"stress doesn't make babies, you need to relax".

Well if I were already pregnant and my insides weren't hurting and I wasn't breaking out into hives maybe I could relax, you stupid jerk!

Hypothetical Question

I will do a post about Sam's birthday, but I have to get something off my chest:

Suppose you got an email from another (NON-DB mom) blogger. Suppose this email was sent on your child's 3rd birthday. And suppose in said email this person went on to tell you that they were envious of you. Envious for having your children already in heaven waiting for you instead of having to parent them in this "increasingly wicked world". Suppose this dip shit person was a new mother to a perfect infant boy. And suppose his name is Jack.

Suppose this all really happened. How would you respond?

I'm Supposed To Be Happy

I'm in a funk. A big one. And I care not to talk about it at the moment so I'm going to do a meme that Sarah tagged me with on things that make me happy.

Here are the rules:

1. Mention and link back to the person that tagged you. (check)

2. List 6 little things that make you happy! (check)

3. Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know "They're it". (if you want to do it, consider yourself tagged).

This is tougher than I thought because I'm not in the greatest or happiest of moods. I was hoping this would make me think about all the good things I have in my life- it not. I keep going there. (dig deep Monica, dig deep!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

1. Mr. H- He's (mostly) patient with me and supportive of all I do. Though he's told me I'm not allowed to use the "high heat method" to roast chicken anymore :-) Something to do with smoke alarms and such...

2. Sam and Jack- Though that's a given. I love them with all my heart. And then some.

3. Autumn- When I'm sad or down or just so-so, she does something to make me laugh. She's such a goof ball and a hairy lover. And she never complains- gotta love that!

4. August- Because he's such a little stinker and he gives Mr. h attitude when he tries to feed him or change his litter box. But he so lovable with me. Except for that one time when he bit my boob!


5. My friends- Because they try to understand and they're there for me. They let me know I'm not forgotten. Thank you.

6. Blogging/Baking/Photography- It fills up my off time and it keeps me busy. In turn I've made a lot of online friends who have been far more supportive than I ever thought possible.

There, that wasn't so bad.

Anyone out there?

Does anyone actually read this blog anymore? I feel like I'm writing to humor myself.

If you're out there, please delurk and let me know. I'm feeling very needy at the moment. Or maybe not needy, but rather insecure... and maybe just a little needy.

Am I not cool enough? Interesting enough? Am I boring you with my non-pregnant talk? Please don't wait til I have good news of a pregnancy to show me your support. I need you now, in my stage of limbo.

See I told you I'm needy.

Ugh, I annoy myself.

For the two of you that do comment on a regular basis, thank you.

A Bust

So I actually thought I got pregnant this cycle because I'm 2 weeks late, as of today. It took me a lot to finally break down and pee on the stick, because I was afraid but I tested yesterday and it was negative. So disappointing, but I'm okay.

This time was different though. I actually had pregnancy symptoms. I hope I wasn't making them up in my mind :-) My breasts were sore (they're still sore), I was tired, I was late. I don't know, I just felt like this was it, and it's not. Of course there is a chance of the test I took being wrong, but I doubt it.

I think mostly, I'm frustrated with my cycles being so "off". Two cycles ago AF was 3 weeks late, last month it was a week early. This cycle I'm late again. I called my OB this morning and made an appointment tomorrow morning with her nurse practitioner for an annual exam. From there, I'll schedule another appt. with my OB to discuss TTC, ovulating, my wacky cycles, etc.

Fun stuff, no?

"Still" Update

This is an update for the last post.

On Wednesday (the day after I wrote that post) A's friend went into labor at exactly 29 weeks. She delivered both babies, one stillborn and the other thriving (weighing in at 3.7 lbs. and breathing on her own).

A went to go see her in the hospital yesterday and I asked her how she was doing. She said she seemed pretty together until about 20 minutes into the visit and all she did was cry. She kept wondering about her baby that died. She didn't understand why she had to die and she kept making promises to care for her even if she was sick, if only she lived.

Her husband and A. both told her she was being selfish because she shouldn't wish for a "sick life" for her daughter. They just don't understand. A. also said "she needs to get over it" because she has another child to care for. I quickly corrected her and told her it has been nearly 3 years for us and we're still not over it.

It's so frustrating to try to talk to someone who clearly doesn't get it and doesn't really care. Even though she sees first hand what her friend is like, it doesn't register. The father is in "taking care of business" mode and it making phone calls left and right. I think this is clearly a coping mechanism. Sad thing is, he has no idea what is waiting for him.

They plan to have a funeral next Friday (which seems like a long way away) at "some cemetery" that has a baby section. This baby, Luci, will be a neighbor of Sam and Jack.