"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Thursday, November 4, 2010

When A 4 Year Old Makes You Cry

I love my job. I love the kids I nanny for. Sure, I bitch sometimes about it but who doesn't complain about their job from time to time? I think mostly the reason I complain is because I think they take their kids for granted. But my reproductive path is very different from theirs, so I can't expect them to understand. I can only hope they'd be sympathetic and considerate of my feelings and for the most part they do and are. But sometimes it's the ones you least expect to hurt you that do.

I'm talking about the little one-- the 4 year old. Actually, he's not quite 4, but he will be in a couple weeks. I picked him up from school last Friday and he was in a good mood. He was happy and thrilled that when he got home he was going to get to decorate cupcakes for his early Halloween party. But somewhere between driving from school to home, he got snarky. He said I couldn't come to his party unless I wore a costume. Whatever.

Then he said that he didn't invite me to his party and that I couldn't come. Again, whatever. I told him that he was being rude and he should be nice to me since I was going to help him decorate the cupcakes. He then got loud with me and said that he wanted his mom to decorate the cupcakes and that since I wasn't invited I should drop him off and go home. His words... "Just drop me and leave". He repeated it several times and I finally raised my voice and told him that he was being rude and he should have a little more respect for me. It was like talking to a teenager- in one ear and out the other.

His response was "Just drop me, talk to my mom and leave Monica. I didn't invite you to my party. My friends and their moms are coming, that's all. You're not a mom so you can't come."

And that's where I sat there in silence and a little piece of me died inside. I was angry and hurt. So I got to his house, unloaded him from his car seat and gave him stuff and got back in the car...ready to leave. He cried because he was afraid I was going to leave him. Was I acting childish? Absolutely. How else do you reason with a 4 year old at a time like that? It wasn't until I got home and told Mr. H about it that I broke down.

"You're not a mom so you can't come" Words mumbled by a 4 year old that hurt me to my core. It brings tears to my eyes just typing those very words.

I AM A MOTHER DAMNIT!

17 comments:

Virginia said...

Oh boy. Words are so powerful, aren't they? My daughter has said, within the last year (and she is 9), when she is angry with us: "You hate me! I wish I was dead!" After saying it several times, I blurted out, "I already have one dead child and I don't need you saying things like that to me" - or something like that, pretty angrily.

And then she burst into tears.

I know they don't know what they're saying, but I understand that it still hurts. I"m so sorry.

Suzanne & Andrew Dupuis said...

Oh Monica... it made me cry too...

I am SO SORRY...

Sophie said...

YOU ARE!! That is very hurtful :(.

sapphireblue said...

Ouch! That's a very painful thing to hear. Of course, you're a mom! Hugs!

Rachel said...

Oh Monica, I am sorry!

I know he's 4, but I also know the words hurt.

You are a mom, never forget that.

RedHead said...

Words from anyone can hurt. I've been called fat so many times from children and even a family member who was just too young to understand how bad it hurts. Maybe it would help to sit him down and talk with him about how/why that hurt so much. Maybe it would be a good lesson at such a young age. Sorry that you felt so hurt.

The Nanny said...

Oh :( I can't imagine how this must have hurt. I'm so sorry.

ms. G said...

Yikes. I would be hurt too. And, I would also be tempted to do exactly as he said, drop him and leave him.

But, unless you think his mother would be terribly upset with you, I don't think it would wrong to say, "actually, I am a mother, my kids just live in heaven, or not on earth with me" something like that. Or, you could just stick out your tongue, and say, "I'm coming to your party even though you don't want me to, na na boo boo" whatever works :)

Hennifer said...

(((Hugs)))

I'm sorry you had to experience that, and in so specific terms!

I agree with Mrs. G about speaking with him. It can be so very vague and still raise some awareness for him.

Sarah said...

Oh sweetheart. Yes. Yes you are xxx

Kristi said...

Oh Mon, I'm so sorry. Those thoughtless words sometimes hurt so badly.

Travelwahine said...

I'm sorry Monica! I know you've heard it before but I am sorry, I know how hurtful words can be. And yes you are a wonderful Mom to two beautiful boys, whom I think of often. Big hugs!!!!

Please Do Not Feed The Animals. said...

Oh Monica, I have only just found this blog. Sitting here crying my eyes out.
I agree with what others have said - I think it would be a good thing for you to speak to him when you feel able to. Just gently explain why that was a hurtful thing to say. He obviously won't understand completely but I think it is good for such a conversation at this time when he is developing empathy.
I think you are a wonderful Mom - this blog is a beautiful tribute to your boys.
I hope you don't mind me commenting - I have two healthy boys and have had one miscarriage - so I can't understand your pain - but I can BEGIN to imagine.

christyna said...

I can honestly say at that age it is part not knowing better and part wanting to be hurtful. they start learning manipulative behavior and they do apply it to see how far they can push people. I am so sorry that happened.
Sometimes kids can be the most harsh but at least we know under a certain age they don't mean it and sincerely feel sad and upset when they realize they have in fact hurt you in some way.
Explain about the boys in a general way and tell him it upset you a lot. He will remember and try to be more respectful. Otherwise you chance him knowing how to hurt you to get you to leave him alone and doing it again.

The Captain's Daughter said...

What a little shit!

I am so sorry. I demand that you quit your job immediately. They don't deserve you!

You are a mother and you are always loved! Come to my party... You are invited!

Vanora said...

Wow. I am so sorry! I didn't have a miscarriage, I got preeclamsia 23 weeks in and had to be induced kind of thing. He didn't make it. Kids can be so cruel sometimes.

Mrs. P said...

Wow. That must have been so painful for you :( It's hard to hear a child say those sorts of things. I remember one time when my then 3 year old said "Go away mommy. I don't love you". That hurt my heart. They really don't mean it but where in the world do they come up with things like that?