It's been a week to the hour since our sweet bunny, August died. It seems like forever ago yet it's still so fresh in my mind.
I've mentioned before that he had respiratory issues. Over the last three years we've made several emergency vet visits late at night. We've shed tears because we worried about him and we feared we'd lose him. But he kept on truckin'. He always did. He'd have an "episode", where he's produce extraneous amounts of mucus, he'd gasp for air, he'd clear it, then he'd be fine and act as normal as could be. It was baffling.
A few weeks ago he started hacking, we checked on him and instead of clear mucus it was dark green, like spinach. He rushed him to the vet at 2 am, and the vet said it looked like stomach contents and diagnosed him with having reflux disease. Alright then. As always, once he did his thing, he was fine. Last week started off the same. I held him in my lap, stroked his soft fur, whispered in his ears and gave him kisses on his head. His heart rate was elevated but he seemed okay.
Then all of a sudden mucus started coming from his nose, he was gasping for air, then he started kicking, he began to thrash and tried to escape me. We tried to calm him down and hold him still because we didn't want him to hurt himself. He kicked off of me, scratched my neck, so I gave him to Mr. H. He tried to contain him and he did the same thing. I took him back and as he kicked, he fell onto the floor, which was only a foot and a half off the ground.
I worriedly picked him up, only to find that he was no longer kicking but eerily still. He was still breathing at a rapid rate, but his body seemed lifeless. I began to panic and cry. I just knew he was dying. Mr. H called the ER vet and they told us to bring him in. We scurried around the house, with him swaddled in our arms, trying to get our shoes on. I was freaking out and beside myself. Mr. H was holding him as he took his last breaths. He was gone.
It just happened so fast. It was/is so surreal. We knew one day he'd pass, but we never thought it would happen this early. He was only 3 years old. Of course this all brings me back to loss and the boys. And how I'm convinced that we're not meant to have boys and how they all seem to die on us. I feel like I've let him down. I know that his death was not my fault and I don't blame myself but I feel like I should have been able to do something for him.
We got August after the boys died because bunnies just reminded us of them. He brought us so much joy and laughter. He was such a spas but he was a sweetheart. He definitely had a personality and we will miss his quirkiness and his super soft, fine hair that stuck to everything. He helped fill a void in our lives and put smiles back on our faces. He was more than a pet and we miss him so much.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
I can't believe it's August already. I prefer Fall and Winter over this intense heat that we're having and I can't wait for the cooler weather to get here, however this heat is a reminder of Sam. He was born on one of the hottest days in our area in August 4 years ago. I don't necessarily associate the heat with him, but when I think of leaving the hospital without him I am reminded of it and how suffocating it all is.
Sam's 4th birthday is in 12 days. I all of a sudden feel strange calling it his "birthday" because he's not 4. Yes, it is his day of birth and yes, he would be 4 this year...perhaps it's the 4th anniversary of his birth??? Or just Sam's Day. Period.
We got an e-vite for Mr. H's cousin's birthday this coming weekend. He is turning 4 and is having a T.ransformers pool party. yay. I've written about this boy before and I refer to him as our shadow baby. He is where Sam should be. I don't usually think of this boy throughout the year, but when his birthday rolls around every August, I wonder about what should/could have been. I just can't go to this party. If he were having a BBQ party at the park just because, or if they invited us over hotdogs and cupcakes on a Tuesday, I'd have no problem seeing him, But you call it a 4th birthday and I go into panic mode.
In fact I was telling Mr. H about the e-vite and told him that we wouldn't stay, but that we'd drop off a birthday gift for him and within seconds my heart was beating faster and my stomach started to churn. Not a good idea. the thought of it was okay but as soon as I said it I panicked. I think I'll email his cousin and let her know that we can't make it but that we'll drop off a gift earlier in the week.
I don't even think I could handle seeing a group of 4 year olds playing together. It's just too much. I'd look at them and wonder how tall Sam would be. Would he be potty trained yet? Would he know how to swim? Would he tan easily like his dad or would he burn like his momma? Would his hair get lighter in the sun? Would it get wavy when wet? Would he jump in the pool and yell "Mom, look at me!"? When he got out of the pool would he give me wet sloppy hugs? Would his thick eye lashes clump together when wet emphasizing his big brown eyes like his Dad's? Would he get blue frosting all over his face turning his lips blue? Would he get jealous over the birthday boy's new Buzz Light Year? Would he beg me for one until he got one for his birthday? I can only wonder.
Do you think we'll still be like this when they start school? Or turn into teenagers? Or when they are of legal driving age? Will we resent all the graduates when our babies should have walked that stage too? How long does this go on? When this kid turns 30 years old, will I still be thinking of Sam and what he would be like? Will I be wondering if he was married or had a family? Will I be thinking about the career he should have had? When does this stop?