"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Friday, May 22, 2009

"Still" Update

This is an update for the last post.

On Wednesday (the day after I wrote that post) A's friend went into labor at exactly 29 weeks. She delivered both babies, one stillborn and the other thriving (weighing in at 3.7 lbs. and breathing on her own).

A went to go see her in the hospital yesterday and I asked her how she was doing. She said she seemed pretty together until about 20 minutes into the visit and all she did was cry. She kept wondering about her baby that died. She didn't understand why she had to die and she kept making promises to care for her even if she was sick, if only she lived.

Her husband and A. both told her she was being selfish because she shouldn't wish for a "sick life" for her daughter. They just don't understand. A. also said "she needs to get over it" because she has another child to care for. I quickly corrected her and told her it has been nearly 3 years for us and we're still not over it.

It's so frustrating to try to talk to someone who clearly doesn't get it and doesn't really care. Even though she sees first hand what her friend is like, it doesn't register. The father is in "taking care of business" mode and it making phone calls left and right. I think this is clearly a coping mechanism. Sad thing is, he has no idea what is waiting for him.

They plan to have a funeral next Friday (which seems like a long way away) at "some cemetery" that has a baby section. This baby, Luci, will be a neighbor of Sam and Jack.

10 comments:

The Nanny said...

I'm glad the other baby is doing well. A. is a moron. Can you/would you want to offer your support to the mother? (i.e. let her know you're there to talk, esp. since it seems like no one else really understands how she feels but you?)

Seraphim said...

I wish you didn't have to talk to someone who doesn't get it. It really upsets me for you. Does that make sense? I'll be praying for Luci's family, and you and your sweet boys Monica. xxx

Virginia said...

Ditto what Seraphim said. And, "selfish"???? I think THEY are being selfish because they can't handle her tears and pain. I think A. is going to lose a friend over this.

And it would serve her right. But my heart aches for her friend.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Are you kidding me? Who are these people? Who in their right mind goes to somebody's hospital room and tells her she's selfish after she lost one of her children and the other is presumable in NICU. WTF? I'm hoping the husband didn't actually say these things and it was simply a misrepresentation on A's part.
I definitely agree with the Nanny. If you're able to offer support, the mother just might benefit hearing from an actual human being. Not some robot disguised as a human.
And, I agree with Seraphim. You shouldn't have to deal with a person who clearly doesn't value life or the feelings of those who've lost their children. This A person really dealt a double whammy - to both you and the mom in the hospital.
I'm going to try to calm down now.
Peace, friend.

froggy mommy said...

A sounds like a lovely woman. That's just unbelievable. I will keep Luci and her family in my prayers.

Kristi said...

Yes - would you offer the mother support - even if it's just to guide her to the local support groups & therapists?

I want to smack A.

Sophie said...

How heartbreaking. I can't believe anyone can tell anyone who's lost someone, especially a child, to 'get over it'! That's ridiculous. Seriously, jeeeez!

Hennifer said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the "not getting it" this mother has to deal with. I am glad her other twin is doing well and I'm thinking of Luci and the whole family.

Hugs for you too for having to deal at all with A.

jaded said...

oh wow. how sad and how appropriate that Lucy would be close to your own sons in that way.

christyna said...

how completely heart breaking. I could not imagine at all. Maybe see i she'd like to talk to someone who's sort of been there? and by that I mean Newt?? obviously thats up to them but it's the only thing I can think to help, and I must help...It's my nature.