Monday, May 18, 2009

Sincerely, Monica

I have a confession to make.

Whenever I found out someone else was pregnant and I wasn't, I used to sing this song. It made me laugh, if only temporarily. It was what I needed.

I don't do that anymore. Whenever I hear that song on the radio, I still chuckle a little bit, but I don't think of any of you. Aren't you glad?

I also have to admit, that whenever I heard or read of another pregnancy, in real life or in blogland, it stung. It hurt because it wasn't me and I so badly wanted it to be. I also know that no one can stop living their life just because I was still hurting, and the same thing goes for me.

I remember a time when everyone was getting pregnant but me. Hell, we weren't even trying so there was no way we could get pregnant. That in itself was hard. This is what I wrote just over a year ago, in this post:

"I feel like I've been left behind. Almost every week, I read of a new pregnancy or a new birth. I am thrilled for the new mothers or soon-to-be mothers because I know the long road they took to get there. I know the heartache they went through to get where they are. I am happy for them because it's a dream come true, but it becomes increasingly harder to read. Then I get upset and start to feel sorry for myself. Then Mr. H wants to know what is wrong and I don't want to tell him because all he is going to say is "stop reading blogs if they upset you". He has a point, but I'm still going to get upset over my own life and not being pregnant and he doesn't want to hear all that. So, I continue to read because it gives me hope that it will happen someday."

A lot has change over the past year and I know my time will come. It's been 6 months so far and we're still trying. And that's okay. We've made and are still making progress towards our future, and that's all I ever wanted.

I just hope that when ever my time comes that there are no hard feelings towards me. I know a few of you out there, are currently trying, are going through IVF, are waiting to try again, or are still in a place where you so badly want a baby in your arms and don't. Please know I think of you all. I pray for you all everyday and I wish you the life you want and so badly deserve.

I thank you all for supporting me on this journey and I wish this person a very sincere congratulations!


Seraphim said...

Dear Monica
I hope that everybody who knows and loves you would have the generosity of spirit to be thrilled for you when that day comes.
I know I will be. Lots of love to you, I've been worried cos you've been so quiet.
Thinking of you
S xxxxx

Virginia said...

Ditto what Seraphim said.

And hugs.

Kristi said...

Hell, I still get a little jealous when couples who haven't had a loss announce they're pregnant - because I know they'll have a care-free, blissful pregnancy. I know I had that with Sara, but it was hard with Ethan. It's OK for you to be jealous, angry, sad...

I hope your time is coming very soon.

Becky said...

I've been worried about you too. I think about you everyday and Derick asks me everyday when I don't say that I've spoken to you.

I still get jealous when people who haven't been through what we've been through get exactly what they are supposed to get. I think all the time that of all the people I know who have had babies IRL since Riley was born and I am the only one that is still grieving. So many babies born alive and healthy...what the heck is wrong with me?!

I think that feeling will always be there. And I will admit, and you know this, that I was even jealous of women that went through hell. And if you felt those feelings toward me, I would forgive you because I know that I have felt that way about others.

(((hugs))) I know that I will be over the moon when that time comes. Worried, but over the moon : )

Rachel said...

I will be overjoyed when your time comes.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I was expecting your post to end with "I'm pregnant!" I wish it did. I look forward to the day when it does. :)

Lea said...

Hi Monica,

I just started reading your story, I hope you don't mind. I'm sorry to find you here, in this horrendous "club", but, I hope that you are finding some support in blogland.

Sending you strength.

mrsmuelly said...

Beautiful...we are here cheering for you.

Coggy said...

I can't wait for you to make the announcement on your blog. I am just hoping it won't be much longer for you.
I used to feel exactly the same way about pregnancies while we were TTC and even before we were TTC. I used to be able to sense that an announcement was coming. I used to dread it.
I'd get really pissed off for a day or two, then mellow, then finally I would be able to be happy for that person and most times follow their new story.
It's tough Monica, really tough. I will definitely be here listening through you journey. I just wish there was something I could do to speed it up.
Much love and strength to you x xx x

jaded said...

I know exactly what you menan. I mean EXACTLY. exactly. exactly. exactly. i have never agreed with someone more.