Monday, May 5, 2008

Direct Correlation

Just a few different things that I have wanted to post about but never got around to.

My Dad's birthday was on Thursday. I haven't spoken to my dad since August 2006. He said and did some hurtful things after Sam died and I have no desire to speak to or see him. I don't know how long this feeling will last, but....it irritates me that I still remember him. I don't want to. I want to forget him like he has forgotten me and I don't know how.

* * *
Friday was Mr. H's grandpa's (Grandpa Jack- for whom Jack was obviously named after) birthday. He would have been 93 years old. I never met him, because he passed away before Mr. H and I started dating. But I feel like I know him. I feel like I have a close relationship with him- closer than my living grandfather. I don't know if it's because Mr. H and his parents have told me so much about him, or because I know he's watching over Sam and Jack and that brings me comfort.

* * *
We went to the cemetery last Sunday (the 27th) and noticed that the spot to the right of Sam has a new tenant. The section of the cemetery where the boys are buried is filling up quickly. When we buried Sam, there were about 6 or 7 other children already buried there. Now there are about 20-22 babies there. After Jack died, there were 2 spots left in their row. The boys are buried in spots 3 and 4 out of 6. Spot #1 and #6 were already taken and now #5. So that leaves one spot left- #2. I feel like I need to reserve this spot, or put it on lay-away. I hate that I am thinking like this, but *IF* another baby of mine were to die, I'd want him next to his brothers. And another part of me wants this spot to not be available. I don't really want another baby to occupy this spot, because that means another one has to die, but I think that maybe if the spots were all filled up, my baby wouldn't die because there wouldn't be room for him. Hopeful thinking, I guess. This last Friday, the spot below Sam was marked off and reserved for a new baby girl.

* * *
Still no sign of AF. I have been spotting everyday for almost 2 weeks. I thought that maybe she was going to show up yesterday, because there was a little blood, but nothing major. What's weird is that there is only blood on the TP, no where else. And like I said before, it's old stuff. I'm going to get a HPT tomorrow and test just to make sure I'm not pregnant (it would be a miracle performed by God if I were) then I'll make an appointment with my doc. Mr. H thinks that I just have irregular cycles- which could be true- but in my many, many years of having a period, I have never had one like this. If it is old blood, where is it coming from? My loss and the D&C were over 14 months ago. Remnants wouldn't still be in there after all this time, would they?

* * *
I decided as of today that I'm not going to keep my desires to myself anymore. My desire to be a mother, that is. Mr. H knows I want to try again. He knows I want to be a mother to a living baby, more than anything, but we don't talk about it. I try not to talk about it because I don't want to stress him out. I don't want to "scare" him away. I don't want to cause him any excess anxiety. He is scared enough already (to lose again), and I am afraid that my eagerness to try again will drive him away. I know this may sound stupid to some of you, but I feel that our situation is very fragile and I don't want to mess things up. I want to make progress with him, not make him run and hide. But today I decided that I'm going to bring it up everyday. I'm not going to wait for him to show some initiative. I will ask daily if he's ready, and not give up until he is. It may sound passive to some, but it will give me the confidence I need to not back down. And just maybe this crazy idea will start to sound good.

* * *
I feel like I've been left behind. Almost every week, I read of a new pregnancy or a new birth. I am thrilled for the new mothers or soon-to-be mothers because I know the long road they took to get there. I know the heartache they went through to get where they are. I am happy for them because it's a dream come true, but it becomes increasingly harder to read. Then I get upset and start to feel sorry for myself. Then Mr. H wants to know what is wrong and I don't want to tell him because all he is going to say is "stop reading blogs if they upset you". He has a point, but I'm still going to get upset over my own life and not being pregnant and he doesn't want to hear all that. So, I continue to read because it gives me hope that it will happen someday.

* * *
Mother's Day is just a few days away. Last year I boycotted it. This year is different. I don't necessarily want to celebrate, but I'm not as down as I was last year. I know time dulls the aching heart, but it still sucks. It always will. Even when we have children in the future, this holiday will always be bittersweet. I just think in order to "celebrate" Mother's Day, you should have your children with you in order to do that. I don't. Me celebrating Mother's Day is like someone throwing themselves a surprise birthday party and no one showing up. It's just sad.

* * *
Speaking of Mother's Day, I went to H.allmark to buy cards the other day. I always have such a difficult time buying cards for my mom. I feel like she doesn't appreciate the thought that goes into it. And 75% of the cards I read don't relate to my mom at all. They're so lovey-dovey and mushy and talk about the special bond between mom and daughter, blah, blah blah. I didn't have that kind of relationship with my mom. My mom made some major mistakes as a new parent and I am still (after all theses years) having a hard time letting them go. When I read cards that say, "thank you for guiding me, thank you for instilling good values, thank you for being a friend, thank you for loving me unconditionally..." I roll my eyes and move on to the next frilly-flowery-lacey-pink-hearty card searching for just the right generic comment. This makes me sad and I hope to never have a child think this of me. But I did find the perfect card to myself!

* * *
If you made it this far, thanks for reading all my random thoughts.


froggy mommy said...

Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

The Nanny said...

Even if the only thing I can say is I'm sorry, and I'm thinking of you...I'll always read to the bottom of your posts.

Rachel said...

I like these random posts too!

Sorry about your dad, sounds similar to what is going on with my parents. I wish I had advice.

So sad about the baby cemetery.

I think you are right to talk to Mr. H about your feelings. I am sure he is worried about your safety as much as losing another baby. I don't know the details, but maybe you need a new doctor.

I am sorry you feel left behind. I know you aren't alone in your situation, but it can feel like that at times.

Virginia said...

I'm sorry, about your dad, your mom (though I can identify with the mother's day card thing), and the mother's day issue itself. You are still a mom, no matter what. I'll be thinking of you.


christyna said...

I absolutely adore you. your big heart, your views, your hope, your honesty. You never steer me wrong in the advice department and even when you are having a horrible day or feeling left behind you find the time to support and calm me. You are the essence of a mother.

I hope Mr. H understands that this is something you're not willing to give up to spare his feelings. and Hopefully he gets on board. There are no guarantees in life, unless you stop trying then you only have one guarantee, resentment down the line.

I am hugging you so hard I may crack a rib and sending much love and support. I hope tomorrow is just a bit brighter than today for you, and everyday after as well.

Becky said...


I feel the same was as you about this time of year. I don't think it's ever going to be joyful. Even when our family is complete, there will still be a part of us that is not.

I also know how you feel about the cemetary. Where the boys are is starting to fill up sadly. I cringe everytime I see a new tenant as well. And yes, I can completely relate to you as to feeling like you need to put a spot on layaway. I'm STILL afraid to get a headstone because I think that I'll need to add another name and there is no use getting it until it happens.

You have been an incredible support to me, and I hope that I don't make you feel left behind to often. But I know what you are saying and you feel guilty for feeling that way because other people have been through so much too and they are pregnant again so easily. If you ever feel that way about me, don't feel guilty because I've felt the same way towards other people.

And as far as Mr. H goes, I think that you need to take a leap of faith. I can tell you with certainty that the TAC will work. You will hold a breathing, screaming baby in your arms someday. It's just getting the courage to get to that point. You will get there, I promise.

Monica said...

You- Me- Coffee this weekend. There is just too much for me to say here.

And I promise I'll get around to your meme!!

Kristi said...

I know what you mean about finding Mother's day card - I don't have the best relationship with my mother, it's just awkward. I don't like those mushy cards for her.

I think you should talk to Mr. H about your feelings. Maybe you'll both discover something new, a new POV, and yes, maybe it will keep up your confidence.

Man, I wish I could join y'all for coffee too!!

lori said...

You with Mother's Day cards for your mom, me with Father's Day cards for my dad. Same thing (remember, you met him Pamela! LOL).

I would talk about having a baby EVERY DAY with Sam. You say you don't want to stress him out, but you are under more stress than he is and keeping all that inside is not helpful at all. I think he should hear it every day!

And, Mother's Day doesn't really get all that better when you finally have a child. I still miss Logan so much and feel like part of my motherhood was buried with him.

mrsmuelly said...

I made it all the way through. Weird thing is that most of your things have been on my mind too...and I was thinking of doing a random post! Weird!
Anyway, I think it's great that you are not keeping your desire to have kids buried anymore. I hope that Mr. H is responsive to your desire and says just the right things.
As to the preggo thing - they are everywhere, but you can read my blog. Definitely not preggo! Just getting my TAC soon.

Oh, and the card thing...so hard. I just hated standing there sorting through cards with all the moms and their babies. And just staring away at the "for your first Mother's Day" cards. Ugghhh!