Godspeed

Everytime I hear this song from the Dixie Chicks, I think of the boys. I have been meaning to share this for a long time, so hear it is.
___________________________________________

Godspeed

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Still Here

Hello all. Thank you Nanny, Rachel and Sarah for emailing me to check in on me.

I guess I've struggled with what to say here. With what's important enough to say. I think about it and think about it then too much time has passed after what I was going to blog about so I just let it go and fill in the blanks with pictures.

I've been okay. Just decorating and baking and trying not to think about the fact that my boys aren't here with us and I'm not pregnant. I guess really I'm just trying to live my life without dwelling on the things that I cannot change.

I feel like an asshole because I haven't been out to see the boys since Halloween. Yes, I realize it's almost Christmas and two months later. Don't tell me that's okay and normal because while all the other kids at the cemetery have snowmen and penguins adorning their headstone mine still have withered pumpkins. It's not that I've forgotten about them, I just can't seem to make myself go.

I did have one down moment a couple weeks ago. Mr. H was putting up stockings and he pulled out some blue and white striped stockings that I bought last year at an after Christmas sale for the boys. But I forgot that I bought 3- one for Sam, one for Jack and one for the child we were supposed to have here with us this Christmas. It made me sad and I had to pack them away.

We went to the Dr. on the 5th. I decided that me avoiding making an appointment with my gyno just because I was afraid of the "secondary infertility" label was stupid. I made the appt. back in November so it gave me time to prepare. I was prepared to take notes and learn of all the things we could do to improve our chances of conception, but I left there with 3 options- in order of the doctors recommendations.

1. Wait it out and keep trying on our own for 6 months
2. Get on BC to suppress my ovaries for 3 months
3. Take Cl0mid

Here's what I feel about them. We could wait it out and keep trying on our own, but isn't that what we're already doing? I could have waited 6 more months before I made that appt and would that have still been her suggestion? I feel like getting on BC is taking a step backwards. I expressed this to my doctor and she said I needed to get over that mental block. My concerns were valid but that that it was less invasive than Cl0mid and it could still work. She said she'd call in a Rx for Cl0mid if I wanted but she's concerned of the risk of multiples especially with my weak cervix. If my cervix can't bear the weight of one baby how can it carry two or three?! The risk of multiples is 8%.

She also suggested we make an appt for Mr. H to get a se.men analysis. The fertility clinic was closed that after noon and we have yet to make that appt. I'm waiting to see if I get a visit from AF this month first before we waste time and money on that.

That's where I am on all that. Not much else going on. Just trying to get through the holidays and stay sane.

Happenings

Not much going on lately, which I guess is a good thing.

On Saturday we went to the capitol and took family pictures. Actually my talented friend, Lori, took our pictures. We had great fun though it was a little humid. I can't wait to see how they turned out! We haven't taken a family photo (mom and siblings) since my sister was about 9 months old. She is now 23! Crazy huh? I'd say it was about time for another. This time my little brother, my step dad and my hubs were all there too. I'll share them with you when I get them. Thanks again Lori!

After our photo shoot we went to the RV show. Don't laugh. I'd love to get an RV and travel with the pets. Oh, that would be so much fun, don't you think? Especially this time of year when the leaves are changing and it's getting cooler.

After the RV show we went to dinner at Out.back Steakhouse. We were going to go somewhere else but I remembered how good and garlicky their Caesar salad was, so that's where we went. When we were seated at our table they had a laminated booklet of appetizers and desserts propped open on the table showing 2 pages.

On the right page was a picture of a birthday cake and candle that said "It's Jack's Birthday!". As I sat down, I saw the other page that was an ad for Sam A.dams Beer. I smiled at Mr. H sitting across the table from me- both our boys were right there with us for dinner.

Afterwards we went to see a movie- Love H.appens. It was much more different than I expected. I knew that A.aron Ec.hart's wife in the movie died then he later met J.ennifer A.niston's character and fell in love. Kinda. His wife did die and he did meet another woman but it was so much more than that. In the movie he wrote a self-help book for those who were grieving the loss of a loved one. 90% of the movie is about him trying to help others deal with their losses when he hasn't even dealt with his own loss.

A father in the movie lost his son and he blames himself. The feelings that they portrayed were so real and took me back to those days. The blame, the guilt, the desperation. Of course it all had a happy ending but it wasn't so much of a love story/romance as one would expect. I think A.aron Eck.hart was brilliant in this movie but just know it's not one for a first date. And don't forget your tissues.

On another note, I am making sugar cut-out cookies and cupcakes for a "welcome baby" party this weekend. You may remember that I told you about A's friend who was pregnant with twins until one (Luci) died. Well the surviving twin is doing well and growing like a weed. I haven't seen her but I've been told she looks like a "normal" newborn baby. Her due date was in August but since she was born a little early she had to stay in the hospital for several weeks. She is home now and has been for a month or so they're having a welcome/meet the baby party for her this Sunday. I was invited but I don't think I'll go. It just doesn't feel right.

Their Names...

Written with Texas pecan tree branches. Thank you Kristi!


Spelled out with Maine blueberries. Thank you Katie!



In the sand on a California beach. Thank you Tina!



Written in blue on tree bark...


In orange on a fence...


In yellow on a bench...


In purple on bricks around a koi pond...


And a doggy "Remembering Sam". Thank you Nanny!


In colorful buttons...


and straight pins on fabric. Thank you Sophie!


I love and cherish them all. Thank you all for taking the time to remember my boys. I will never forget your generosity.

~Monica

Perhaps Next Year

Last year, I had high Easter expectations. I thought and hoped this Easter would be different.

I had dreams and high hopes for my babies/would-be toddlers dressed in their Sunday best, being oohed and ahhed over. We would take pictures of them with the scary, freaky looking Easter bunny at the mall and they'd more than likely cry. They would wear pastel overalls adorned with fuzzy bunnies or choo-choo trains and have the slightest of curls in their strawberry blond hair. I would swear they were the most beautiful in all the land. And I'd believe it.

I'd spend the day before boiling and coloring Easter eggs, making sure they were perfect. They would be extraordinary, not just the typical solid color eggs. Of course if you know me at all, you'd know that I'd do that anyway, with or without the wee ones. In fact, I did.

We'd go to church, because that's what good Christian families do. I'd drag the whole family with me and they'd go with me without argument, because we feel obligated to go twice a year. It's a shame, but it's true.

Afterwards, we'd all gather back at my Mom's for lunch of ham and canned or frozen spring veggies. I'd bring along a showstopper homemade dessert and we'd eat til we were so full that we'd all take naps on the couch or in the sought after recliner. I'm not a napper, so I'd go out back and hide the pastel eggs. Then I'd follow them around with an annoying camera in their faces and take pictures-lots of them, just so I could email them to all my friends and family and show off just how sweet they are. If I already send you emails, prepare yourself for what's to come.

I don't know why Easter holds so much for me, but it does. Maybe it's because it's a time of sunshine, of growth, of birth-- of renewal.

Like I said last year "Perhaps next year" will be different.

Happy Easter to all of you with and without your children.


These are blooms from Mr. H's grandmother's bougainvillea. When we went down last week for the funeral, I took several pictures because it's the fullest and most impressive I've ever seen it. It had the most beautiful fuchsia petals and tiny white blossoms. The bush was about 10 feet high and the entire length of the fence. Since her house was on a corner, you can see it from several blocks away-- like a hot pink stop sign.

Ready To Talk- Part 1

I have a confession to make.

Last may, I started a new private blog to blog about what I didn't think I could say here. It contained personal stuff going on with my husband and stuff I needed to vent about but didn't want anyone else to know. I recently transferred the old posts and deleted the blog. I don't need it anymore.

I'm ready to talk.

Last summer I went to see Mr. H's cousin. She has 3 young kids (13, 6 and 2 1/2). Her youngest was born just days before Sam, so seeing him doing what a 2 year does can be tough. She lives only a few blocks from us, but I think there's a reason why we don't visit more often. Anyway, she had a garage sale and I went over to help her clean up. I was only going over there for a couple hours, but ended up staying for lunch afterwards as well.

When I got home, Mr. H was in the shower. I went into the office to check email and on the desk was a contract. It was a contract for a cemetery plot. A plot right next to Sam and Jack. I read and re-read the contract over and over to try to figure out what I was actually reading. The contract looked familiar to me, as I had already read and signed two of them in the past. There was not a name on it besides Mr. H's and mine. It looked exactly like the other two, but I didn't understand why it was on the desk and not filed. The only difference was the date and the plot number. Plot #8. We already own plots #9 and #10.

Then it was all suddenly clear what he did and I lost it. I was BEYOND upset--more like devastated. He wasn't ready to try again, but it seemed to me that he was ready to bury another baby. How do you do one without the other? It didn't make sense to me and I didn't want to vent and cry on here about Mr. H because I didn't want y'all to judge him. I didn't want y'all to be mad at him or think he was a jerk, just because I did at the time.

I know why he bought the plot, but I still don't understand or want it. He bought it because this section of the cemetery is filling up very quickly. There is only one spot left in the row next to my babies. *IF* we were to have another loss (and I hate even thinking about that) then where would be bury him or her? Away from the boys? Two rows down and to the left? The only spot I would want another child to be buried is next to their siblings. And plot #8 happened to be this said spot. IF we ever needed it, then we'd have it.

I know he bought this spot for me, but it hurts my heart to have it. I refused to have my name on the contract. I didn't/don't want to be a part of it. We got paperwork the other day from the cemetery stating our "property" was officially paid in full. I've ignored it and put it out of my mind, but every time we visit the boys I see this empty spot and hope it stays that way. I think by having this spot, Mr. H feels prepared. Prepared for the worst, I guess. I think if another baby dies, their burial spot won't be my biggest concern. But I will feel "better" if they're all together.

God, I hope we don't have to bury another child. God are you listening? I'm begging you- please! don't allow this to happen again.

...Stay tuned for part 2.

Happy Halloween!

My 'lil pumpkins- Sam and Jack. They're a more permanent version of the one's from last year. I had these made last fall at the ceramic shop and I just got around to painting them a couple weeks ago, in time for Halloween.

For a treat, make Monster Cookies from leftover candy. Which means, don't give it all out :P

Have a safe Halloween everyone!

Wordless Wednesday- Names In The Sand

Check out this beautiful memorial website dedicated to children-
To Write Their Names In The Sand.

I Remember

I didn't realize it has already been a week since my last post. I have been busy lately, but I'll talk more about that at a later date. Instead, I want to talk about what today is- October 15th.

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. In fact the entire month of October is supposed to be dedicated to this, but it is over-shadowed by Breast Cancer Awareness. Breast Cancer Awareness is extremely important and more women should know how to do self-breast exams, get mammograms, and educate others. But they should also know that babies all over the world die everyday just like our grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunts, daughters and friends.

Everywhere you go, you see pink. Pink foods, pink packaging, pink ribbons, pink clothing, pink appliances... But you never hear or read about anything relating to pregnancy and infant loss. Why? Why is it so taboo to talk about?

Before the boys died, I never read anything about babies dying. My older sister was stillborn, but I thought it was just because she was premature. I never bothered to learn more about it. I didn't think it could happen to me. It did. And I still don't know much about my sister because even my mother doesn't talk about it. I thought prematurity was just about being born early, but why does this happen and how can we prevent that? If I didn't ask, I wouldn't know anything. That's really unfortunate.

Back in April, when I went to be with my grandmother for her second surgery, I also went to see my paternal grandmother. I haven't spoken to my Dad in over two years, and I miss him and the idea of having a father, but I'm not ready to make amends. But I did want to see his mother, my other grandmother, my Abuelita. I missed her. My grandmother went with me to help me translate because she mainly speaks Spanish and mine is rusty at best. Once I saw her, all I did was cry. The only thing I said to her, was "I love you". I just sat there and looked at her and cried. I cried because I missed our relationship that we had when I was a child, when I was normal, when my Dad still loved and cared for me. My grandmother spoke to her and told her about the boys when she asked if we had any children. All she kept saying, over and over, was "Que Triste...Que Triste." "How Sad...How Sad." Of course I cried even more because I knew what she was saying. I understood every word she said when she told my grandmother that she also had two losses of her own when she first got married, before her other 6 children came along. And she never told anyone. She said she still missed them.

So why do we expect others (strangers, other pregnant women, our families and friends) to talk about it, when our own families don't talk about it and treat is like a secret? Why do we expect magazines to educate expectant mothers on miscarriages and stillbirths when our own OB's don't even do so? We've had to learn because we are unfortunately a part of this club that we never wanted to belong to. We have to learn because it's our job to educate the world about it. No one else is going to do it.

We can sit around and complain (or blog) about why there isn't more awareness on this subject, but we have to spread the word. Some people may not want to hear it. In fact a lot of people do not want to hear about it. Some people may not want to believe that it happens, but it does. How many hundreds and thousands of us are there hiding and afraid to speak?

I refuse to not talk about my sons. Their lives mattered! They may not have taken their own breaths and some may even argue that they were even "real" babies, but they were. They are. They had heartbeats. They moved. They grew. They had 10 fingers and 10 toes. They had hearts and brains. They had their own personalities. They were perfectly formed, just too little to survive on their own. They were babies and they died. If you can inform at least one person and change the way they view this topic, then together we can make a difference. Educate the public and make our babies lives matter.

Maybe one day we'll all have walks for Pregnancy & Infant Loss. Maybe one day we'll all wear a ribbon or white crew socks with a pink and blue ribbon. Maybe one day, parenting magazines and doctors offices won't be afraid to inform expectant mothers that their babies lives are not guaranteed. Maybe one day we'll walk into the grocery store and buy packaged foods that benefit loss awareness. Maybe one day you'll meet a neighbor or a friend of a friend who had a loss and you can share stories of survival without being ashamed of your status and how others will view you. Maybe one day others won't treat us like lepers.

Maybe one day all our babies will be remembered and acknowledged.

I made a remembrance list last year for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness. Please add your baby/ies to the list. I will always remember them. Always.

Stillbirth Awareness And Research Act

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

The Year Long Project

Several months ago I mentioned that we got a fountain for the boys. And we were going to put it up when I quit being so lazy. And we were going to place their temporary headstones out there with it. I am proud to say- almost one whole year later- that the fountain is up! But I am still lazy- we can't win 'em all.

Here is the before photo:

The total project took about 3-4 hours to complete. We marked off the area, cleared the grass and stubborn weeds. Measured out weed-blocking fabric, put it in place and anchored it with landscape edging. Then we spread out play sand underneath pavers to level off the area where the fountain would be placed. Once that was done, we put the fountain in place, checked to make sure that the pump worked (which it did) and filled it with water. Pea gravel was spread around to anchor the fountain and the stones that adorned it.

During the grass/weed removal step, we found Legos buried in the soil. Almost as if it was a sacred Lego burial ground. Little boy artifacts. Wanna know what's weird about this? We are the 3rd owners of this house and neither of the couples before us had children. The first couple was in their late 30's to early 40's. He died unexpectedly while playing basketball with some friends from a heart attack. Tragic, I know. The second couple didn't live here long as he was transferred to Colorado for business. They had children but they are grown and I highly doubt they played with Legos in the dirt. Is it a sign?

We planned to get the fountain in place by Sam's birthday, but there were bunnies living in that corner the weekend we planned this project. So we waited til they moved out and did it over Labor Day weekend. In the 100+ degree weather in the sun without shade. It was sweltering. So we set up a canopy and plugged in THE FAN. Needless to say it helped.

Here is final outcome!

A close-up of the fountain.

And a side view for good measure.

A bunny and stones from Ronald McDonald House. One for Sam, Jack and my sister, Adrianne (they mispelled her name).

Hope you guys love it as much as we do. I think it turned out great and I love going outside to look at it. It brings me peace.

* * * * * * * * *

ETA: On the box the fountain came in, was the name of the fountain in 3 different languages: English, Spanish and French. The name of the fountain is 'Playful Cherubs'. In spanish it is 'Angelitos Juguetones'. I was going to make this the title of this post, but just to be sure of the translation, I looked up the definition of angelito (little angel) and this is what they say it means- "dead child". WTF?

Gray

I attempted to sit down and write a post, but I wound up changing a few things on this blog instead. The major thing being the header.

It just felt too cheery-- too optimistic. I liked the picture and what it stood for, but I felt the bright colors were almost a slap in the face. I don't know how to explain it...but this new look matches my mood, my insides.

This is a piece of deadbaby jewelry that I wear everyday- a hammered heart, with a smaller heart carved out of it. I wear one for each of my boys.

Here is a more detailed picture (actually, this is the picture I wanted to use as the header, but it was way too big- I sort of like the subtle-ness of the other better):

All For Sam

Our morning started with staying up til 3 am making cupcakes and cookies for Sam's birthday. I attempted to wake up at 8:49 am for his birth hour, but I was confused in my sleepless stupor and thought it was 8:59, so I woke up about 10 minutes too late. That's what sleep deprivation does to you. Still, I was thinking of him all morning even though I didn't wake up in time.

We got up and went to breakfast at my Mom's house. My mom and aunt called in sick to work and my sister came over with her roommate. My grandmother made breakfast-yum! and we all spent the morning together. It was nice.

At 3, we went to the hospital to see Sam's nurse, Marsha. She helped deliver Sam and even though she wasn't there when Jack was born, she was with us the very next day. She and her husband even attended Jack's funeral. She's such a wonderful lady. We took her oatmeal raisin sandwich cookies (those are her favorite) and a Willow Tree "Remember" figurine.

Later in the evening (when it was cooler) we went to the cemetery to see Sam and Jack. My mom and grandmother joined us there. We brought them purple daisies and a pinwheel. A friend brought them flowers, lots of fun balloons, and a birthday card for Sam (thank you Monica!)

We all wrote messages on balloons and sent them flying high into the clouds. The wind was blowing like crazy and they moved quickly across the sky.

You can barely see the balloons in the last picture, but they're there.

Mr. H played "Happy Birthday" and most of "What A Wonderful World" on his trumpet as we all listened and reflected on his day. He did a great job as we all teared up. Autumn joined in on all of the fun too. All she wanted to do was run around :-)

On the way home, we stopped by Taco Bell for dinner- after all that is what he liked to eat when I was pregnant with him. We capped off dinner with red velvet cupcakes and a wish for the birthday boy.

We love you Sam!

Day 8, 9 and 10

Day 8- Friday we drove for many hours up through the mountains and back. It was beautiful. We drove from Durango to Silverton (a very small mining town in the valley) where we stopped for lunch then to Ouray to Telluride then back down through some smaller towns back home. Total trip was only about 237 miles, but it took forever driving up those steep mountains and around those hairpin turns going 35 most of the way. We left the house at 1:20 and didn't get home until 9. We had a great time and took some wonderful photos (mostly through the window as we were driving) of the mountains. Some even had snow on them.

-On the way to Silverton-



-Tiny town of Silverton-



-near Red Mountain (red for it's iron content)-


-On the way to Ouray-


-Telluride Park-



Day 9- We went to the Farmer's Market where we bought handmade goatsmilk soap- Coconut Lime and Rosemary Mint (I think ?) I also bought a little wool lamb for a woman selling spun wool. So cute!

We went to breakfast, then headed back downtown for Art in The Park, and a fundraiser on Main Street benefitting the Durango Children's Museum. We didn't paticipate in the arts and crafts for the museum though. There were tons of kids and families all around. Had I known that, I probably would have avoided it. It didn't really upset me, it was just hard seeing fathers with their children playing and having a good time. I wanted to be part of it, but in a different way. So we left shortly after that and picked up a smoothie on the way home- yum!

Day 10- Father's Day. It was fairly quiet as we all slept in. I got up and made Eggs Benedict, hash browns and fruit salad for brunch. We watched movies all day and laid out on the deck. I made German Chocolate Cupcakes (I'll post a recipe later, stay tuned!) and later in the evening, Mr. H cooked steaks on the grill and we played Yahtzee. Mr. H won twice- and he doesn't even like the game. The Father's opened their gifts and we watched a little more TV, before heading to bed. We missed our boys, but we knew they were well taken care of (Thank you Monica for visiting them!!!) Here are a few photos of the day.

Good Night. Sleep Tight.