Hello all. Thank you Nanny, Rachel and Sarah for emailing me to check in on me.
I guess I've struggled with what to say here. With what's important enough to say. I think about it and think about it then too much time has passed after what I was going to blog about so I just let it go and fill in the blanks with pictures.
I've been okay. Just decorating and baking and trying not to think about the fact that my boys aren't here with us and I'm not pregnant. I guess really I'm just trying to live my life without dwelling on the things that I cannot change.
I feel like an asshole because I haven't been out to see the boys since Halloween. Yes, I realize it's almost Christmas and two months later. Don't tell me that's okay and normal because while all the other kids at the cemetery have snowmen and penguins adorning their headstone mine still have withered pumpkins. It's not that I've forgotten about them, I just can't seem to make myself go.
I did have one down moment a couple weeks ago. Mr. H was putting up stockings and he pulled out some blue and white striped stockings that I bought last year at an after Christmas sale for the boys. But I forgot that I bought 3- one for Sam, one for Jack and one for the child we were supposed to have here with us this Christmas. It made me sad and I had to pack them away.
We went to the Dr. on the 5th. I decided that me avoiding making an appointment with my gyno just because I was afraid of the "secondary infertility" label was stupid. I made the appt. back in November so it gave me time to prepare. I was prepared to take notes and learn of all the things we could do to improve our chances of conception, but I left there with 3 options- in order of the doctors recommendations.
- Wait it out and keep trying on our own for 6 months
- Get on BC to suppress my ovaries for 3 months
- Take Cl0mid
Here's what I feel about them. We could wait it out and keep trying on our own, but isn't that what we're already doing? I could have waited 6 more months before I made that appt and would that have still been her suggestion? I feel like getting on BC is taking a step backwards. I expressed this to my doctor and she said I needed to get over that mental block. My concerns were valid but that that it was less invasive than Cl0mid and it could still work. She said she'd call in a Rx for Cl0mid if I wanted but she's concerned of the risk of multiples especially with my weak cervix. If my cervix can't bear the weight of one baby how can it carry two or three?! The risk of multiples is 8%.
She also suggested we make an appt for Mr. H to get a se.men analysis. The fertility clinic was closed that after noon and we have yet to make that appt. I'm waiting to see if I get a visit from AF this month first before we waste time and money on that.
That's where I am on all that. Not much else going on. Just trying to get through the holidays and stay sane.