Thursday, December 17, 2009

Still Here

Hello all. Thank you Nanny, Rachel and Sarah for emailing me to check in on me.

I guess I've struggled with what to say here. With what's important enough to say. I think about it and think about it then too much time has passed after what I was going to blog about so I just let it go and fill in the blanks with pictures.

I've been okay. Just decorating and baking and trying not to think about the fact that my boys aren't here with us and I'm not pregnant. I guess really I'm just trying to live my life without dwelling on the things that I cannot change.

I feel like an asshole because I haven't been out to see the boys since Halloween. Yes, I realize it's almost Christmas and two months later. Don't tell me that's okay and normal because while all the other kids at the cemetery have snowmen and penguins adorning their headstone mine still have withered pumpkins. It's not that I've forgotten about them, I just can't seem to make myself go.

I did have one down moment a couple weeks ago. Mr. H was putting up stockings and he pulled out some blue and white striped stockings that I bought last year at an after Christmas sale for the boys. But I forgot that I bought 3- one for Sam, one for Jack and one for the child we were supposed to have here with us this Christmas. It made me sad and I had to pack them away.

We went to the Dr. on the 5th. I decided that me avoiding making an appointment with my gyno just because I was afraid of the "secondary infertility" label was stupid. I made the appt. back in November so it gave me time to prepare. I was prepared to take notes and learn of all the things we could do to improve our chances of conception, but I left there with 3 options- in order of the doctors recommendations.

  1. Wait it out and keep trying on our own for 6 months
  2. Get on BC to suppress my ovaries for 3 months
  3. Take Cl0mid

Here's what I feel about them. We could wait it out and keep trying on our own, but isn't that what we're already doing? I could have waited 6 more months before I made that appt and would that have still been her suggestion? I feel like getting on BC is taking a step backwards. I expressed this to my doctor and she said I needed to get over that mental block. My concerns were valid but that that it was less invasive than Cl0mid and it could still work. She said she'd call in a Rx for Cl0mid if I wanted but she's concerned of the risk of multiples especially with my weak cervix. If my cervix can't bear the weight of one baby how can it carry two or three?! The risk of multiples is 8%.

She also suggested we make an appt for Mr. H to get a se.men analysis. The fertility clinic was closed that after noon and we have yet to make that appt. I'm waiting to see if I get a visit from AF this month first before we waste time and money on that.

That's where I am on all that. Not much else going on. Just trying to get through the holidays and stay sane.


missing_one said...

*hugs* It just shouldn't be so damn hard. *sigh*

I think waiting is not a viable option for you, I mean, yes, isn't that what you've been doing? duh. ;)

I know just from my own experience that I tried Clomid first for 3 cycles and it didn't work. I went on BC for 2 cycles and then the next cycle, got pregnant. I don't know why.
If you decide to go on Clomid, they should be able to tell whether you are responding to it or not. Many women do. Some do a little, but need to move on. But at least with the Clomid, they also run some diagnostics too, to help rule out some things.
I think whatever you decide will be fine. Pick the one you think will work and go for it! You deserve this!

Amy B said...

monica, send me an email. i want to ask about your doctor and i want to tell you about my doctor, their practice and the methods they use.

A Feast for the Eyes said...

My heart is with you. I am sensing the pain, especially during the holidays. Just know that you are special to me and near and dear to my heart.

sapphireblue said...

I don't have any advice I can give, because we're in the same boat of TTC and this is our first holiday after our loss. Can't we just skip the holidays all together? *HUGS*

froggy mommy said...

I feel the guilt too. It's been months since I went to the cemetery. I am praying for you so hard and am so glad you went to the doctor.

Sophie said...

Hi Monica,

I'm sorry things have been rough :(. I wish there was more I could say or do.

I hated the word infertility too. I wish doctors knew more about this kind of thing. But you know, if you're comfortable, I say try out the Clomid :D!

I know the thought of having multiples is definitely scary. I only ovulated the first month on it, but continued taking it for the other 2 months. The doctor said what he thinks happened is that the hormones in the Clomid helped to "wake up" my ovaries, which is why I randomly ovulated like a month after getting off of it.

Birth control does sound backwards huh? I know I'd be annoyed if a doc told me to take it. One thing, though. I took b/c for about 3 years and then stopped, for 2 months after I stopped I ovulated on my own (this was when I wasn't married). It can act similar to clomid in that it can give your ovaries a break but then when you stop taking it, they wake up. I've heard some success stories with this approach.

I definitely am not an expert when it comes to this area, and I think you should go with what you're comfortable with. But I have hope :).

Sending you lots of hugs...

Andrea said...


SO sorry that you have the Holiday Blues, but you aren't alone. I could do just as well to "skip" Christmas all together this year. My EDD was Dec. 2nd and I feel empty and somewhat lost.

Don't beat yourself up for not posting or not going to see your boys. You don't have to go to the cemetary for them, as they are with you every day....you carry them in your heart. I can undersatnd not going, as it hurts.

Now to the Dr's appointment. Like you, I finally made an appointment to go in and see where we go next. I've just been too tired or maybe hopeful something would have happened by now. But, it hasn't and so I'm right here with you in all of this. As for the options you were given, take some time to think through the options and choose the one you feel is best for you. Seek another opinion if you like, as it never hurts. I can tell you that I got prego the 3rd month I was off the BCP.

Overall, I just want to send you love and hugs and let you know you aren't alone.


Virginia said...

Oh Monica, I wish I could make it all better for you, I really do. I took Clomid for my first baby - it worked the 1st month but it made me VERY sick and we nearly lost the baby.

Don't be so hard on yourself - you are where you are. No, it's not where you want to be, I know, but you need to deal with what you're feeling right now. And believe in better days, for I know they will come, as hard as it is to believe right now.

Is there any way you can do acupuncture? There's an acupuncturist here who specializes in fertility and she has amazing results. I realize Ohio is a little far to come, but maybe there is someone there? Just a thought.

Virginia said...

Here's the website of the acupuncturist I was talking about (this is her infertility page): http://www.clevelandacupuncture.com/infertility/

The Duchess of Wessex said...

Sending you all the hugs I wish I could give you in person!

Be as nice to yourself as you are to everyone else - you deserve a little TLC - especially at this time of year.

Sending you all my love and a few goodies in the mail that I hope will make you smile!

Rachel said...

I'm glad you saw the doctor. I'm interested to hear what you decide to do. I'll cross my fingers that this month is a success!

Kristi said...


I know seeing those 3 stockings had to hurt! The holidays are just hard.

I glad you went to the dr., that's the first step. I agree, waiting wouldn't be my choice - you've been waiting. You & Mr. H will come to the right decision together.


Love you!

P.S. I received your card & wonderful picture yesterday. Thank you for thinking of us.

Beth said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers this holiday season. **hugs**

The Nanny said...

Big hugs to you & Mr. H. Thinking of you both!

jaded said...

hey Monica,

I am sorry about how you are feeling. I don't know much about this, but the last thing I would do is wait another 6 months. At this juncture i'd be far more proactive.

I always think the most logical thing in any situation is to take the least invasive route first and then progress to more invasive routes if necessary.

please remember that you were able to conceive 2x already so it can happen - don't ever forget that.

as far as your boys - I am not going to tell you how to feel, but I will tell you how I feel. There are a lot of things that I wish I could do for the girls, but I can't - it brings to much pain for me. I always focus on the fact that when it mattered - when they were alive and in our wombs - we did all we could for them.
That is what counts. I beleive that our babies are in a place of infinite love and understanding of how we deal and cope with their absense.

Reese said...

Just sending you some love---(still reading, still here, barely commenting....)

I hope you get some answers, whatever route you take....

Merry Christmas, Monica. I am forever hopeful for you in 2010!