Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Too Much

I've had a lot on my mind lately and haven't felt like really writing about any of it. Some of it is the same ol' stuff- just more of it, and some of it is just morbid and I'm afraid to talk about it.

It's all too much to deal with at times and I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to return when the storm has passed and the rainbow fills the sky. I know, we all know, this won't happen.

* Mr. H and I have talked about returning to therapy. We went weekly for 4 consecutive months last year after Jack died. It helped, but then my insurance ran out and we were having to pay out of pocket so we stopped going. But we attended 2- 6 week support groups with a different grief counselor that seemed to do some good. We've been trying to work things out on our own, but it's not working. We're surviving, but we're getting no where. Mr. H has an appt. tomorrow to try to help him work out his grief so we can try again. I am so proud of him.

* I moved the sonogram picture further to the right of the fridge so it's not so in my face. It helps a bit. Rachel suggested I turn it over while I'm there, but I can't do that. She works from home and walks to the fridge, she'd notice it was turned over. I can't ask her to allow me to turn it over and I can't ask her to take it down. If someone asked me to do that, I would be devastated. Yes, she knows my circumstance, but I can't ask her to do that. It would be great if she offered, but that's not gonna happen. So I'm trying to be okay with it pushed to the right side of the fridge.

* LD's mom (as mentioned above) came in the living room rubbing her belly the other day. I tried to avoid looking at her, but I could still see out of the corner of my eye. She was complaining that she's getting "so big" and her clothes aren't fitting her anymore. Let's call the whambulance! I keep suggesting she put a robe on so I don't have to see her (and because she's cold all the time) but she's not going for it. I might just buy her a robe- a big one. Almost tent-like.

* My FIL was recently diagnosed with d.ementia. His father had alz.heimers, and his mother also has d.ementia and is in a nursing home. My MIL is really scared. She has known about his deteriorating condition for some time now, but like all of us, denial reigns. She avoided having him tested until a couple weeks ago. He had an MRI and a cognitive test done- both of which didn't look so good. He forgets things. Things he just did or said less than 5 minutes ago. He'll open a piece of mail and read it entirely and swear he's never seen it before. He may appear to be the same person. He still has a wise-ass sense of humor. He looks and acts the same, but his mind is deteriorating. There is medication he can take to slow the deterioration process down, but there's no guarantee it will work. My MIL, a very strong woman, emotionally and mentally, is realizing her future and she's devastated. She called me crying yesterday- something she's never done before in the 9 1/2 years I've known her.

* I spoke to my grandma yesterday for a split second. Not much was discussed, but I heard from her again today. Still she said nothing. My aunt called me to fill me in. She has l.ymphed.ema. This is not good. Because she is a smoker and a d.iabetic, she is healing at a much slooower pace. She had surgery April 1st. Her scar is very gnarly. She has excess tissue that is bumpy and puckered. It's not smooth and flat. She went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and the doctor (plastic surgeon) cut away the excess dead tissue that was forming on her breast as well as removed the drainage tube. She has been bandaging her breast 3x daily, because she's still leaking fluid. This is not abnormal. Because she smokes and has done so for 50 years! and because she's d.iabetic her wounds and illness take forever to heal. That means that she still has an open wound. According to my aunt, you can see straight into her breast. The doc has given her one month to stop smoking and is better monitoring her blood sugar. I don't know what will come of this. I don't know what the next step for her is. But I do know there isn't any infection and the doc is taking care of her. On the upside, she doesn't have to do c.hemo or r.aditation.

* Back in November, Mr. H went to a u.rologist for some pain he was experiencing...this was the doctor's office that belonged back in the 1960's (for which I did go back to to take pics- you knew I would!)... Anyway, was still having pain, and went back to this doctor who did an ultrasound and ran labs and prescribed him some antibiotics. They didn't find anything abnormal, and the antibiotics seemed to help. Except he doesn't have chronic pain- he doesn't hurt at any specific time- it's random. So we don't know that the antibiotics really contributed to anything. Well all these months later, he's still having some pain. So we're going to get a second opinion tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully he can offer us some helpful insight as to why he is in pain or maybe even "fix" him. Hey, there's a thought.

Okay, I'm done. Not really, I still have a lot on my chest but I don't feel like I can share- not here anyway. I may talk about it in the future and I may not, but at least I lifted the weight.


Coggy said...

It's horrible having so much milling around your head.

I think it's a good thing to seek out therapy again. If you recognize you are not coping then finding someone to talk to can only be a good thing. Kudos to Mr. H for going to see someone. You have a really lovely husband.

The sonogram picture and the rubbing the belly would get me every time. I would hate her. I have to see pregnant women at work, I now avoid talking to them whenever possible. I'm also at times quite mean when they suggest ideas or want to do something at work. I deliberately say something negative, not only because I'm filled with jealousy because they're pregnant, but because they are pregnant and nothing will go wrong for them. It's a pretty ugly thing for me to admit, but there you have it. I think it's just my coping mechanism.
I don't know if this is an option but could you work elsewhere? If it really is making you unhappy then maybe it's not worth it.

I'm just really sorry about all the other stuff that is going on in your life right now. I hope Mr. H's appointment gives you nothing to be concerned about. Sometimes life really does feel like an uphill struggle.

Maybe you should write out the things you don't know if you can say in a private blog that maybe only you have access to. I find it helps to write things out, even if only I read them. Just a thought. Then if you want to share you can always send invites out to people you feel you can share your writing with. Just a thought.

Hugs to you Monica x x x x

The Nanny said...

I was going to suggest what Coggy did--a private blog, either one for only you or for only the people you choose to read it...it does help enormously just to write things down.

I think about you a lot. I hope for better days for you (and Mr. H and your family). Hugs...

Monica H said...

I've thought a private blog, but I don't know if that is really the way to go. I feel the need to share with people/receive feedback on certain topics, but I'm afraid of being vulverable and having you all know these things about me. I almost want to write anonymously but with you all as an audience. But if you all were my audience, then I wouldn't be anonymous, would I?

Thanks for the supportive comments.

Rachel said...

I'm glad moving the ultrasound picture helped a little. Too bad she works at home.

If the situation gets too difficult, even if you love LD, maybe you need to nanny for someone else.

I am glad you are getting back into therapy. You may want to see if your local hospice offers counseling. Ours offers it for free, and our counselor was awesome. I think there is a link on my blog, if not there is one on my old blog.

I don't think you should ever worry about people judging you for your thoughts. When you go through something as painful as losing 2 children, your perspective changes a lot.

The Nanny said...

I absolutely understand that. But know, too, that we also read without judging you in any way, shape, or form. And really, since I don't know you IRL, you are sort of anonymous to me, at least...but I do consider you an anonymous friend, if that makes any sense.

wannabe mom said...

I'm with everyone above. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of these things on top of grieving for your sons. Seems that LD's mom is a bit clueless even if she knows what happened with your boys. The last thing out of her mouth should be any complaining about her pg. Goodness.

Anonymous said...

oh sweet lady. Sounds like you're weighed down with quite a bit. I wish i could help, i wish i could take some of it for you or make good things happen and rainbows appear. You have been quite and I should have emailed, despite being unemployed I've been busy, and i didn't want to well make you feel bad or left out. Lets hope that one day at a time and one thing at a time starts to sort itself out.

froggy mommy said...

I'm glad you were able to get some of it out! I'm sorry for all of the crazy stuff you are dealing with right now. I think it's great that your husband is going to talk to someone.

mrsmuelly said...

Thank you for sharing all this...really. You have made me feel "normal" today, and that's a really hard task. I'm totally with you on having a bazillion things on my mind at once.

As to the ultrasound, I don't know how you do it in the first place. You are a crazy strong woman...be proud of that! Oh, and you should totally buy her a huge robe or sweatshirt. She should at least understand that much.

For your grandmother, I'm so sorry. I will keep her in my prayers.

Good luck tomorrow at the urologist office. Please let us know how it goes.

niobe said...

This all sounds really, really hard. And, as you said, it's just too much to have to deal with at the same time. I have to say that the sonogram/belly rubbing woman sounds completely passive-agressive. At some level -- even if only subconsciously -- she must be aware of how insensitive she's being.

JGirl2005 said...

You know you said something on your blog one day that I thought about. You were sad when you met that lady at the cemetary and she had divorced. Your words struck home with me.
Although my DH and I don't always get along, I know the loss has brought us closer and I don't know how I would have gone through things without him. I'm grateful to have him.
I think it is great that your DH wants to do therapy.
I haven't done therapy, but I have heard that writing about your issues daily seems to help. I think our blogs help that.
I've thought about having a private blog like other poster suggested. Maybe that is an idea. We all have horrible thoughts that go through our heads. We know that there is some comfort knowing others know how we feel and have also been through it, but it is something we will never forget. It is something we have to live with daily.