"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Friday, January 22, 2010

Moms Day Out



I debated with myself about writing this post. I always fear that when I talk about someone they're going to find out and it will end up biting me in the ass. However I'm not talking about this person in a bad way, just as I see it. That just so happens to not be so good :-)

Mr. H's cousin invited me to lunch today. She has a 3 1/2 year old that was born just days before Sam. I love her I really do. And while we have a few things in common and we get along well, we just aren't that much alike. For instance she is 12 years older than me and is a mother to 3 living children. That is who and what she is-- a mother.

She brought her child along with us to lunch and I knew this so it wasn't a surprise to me but it was so hard to not look at him and wonder about my Sam. They would be the same age, had he lived. Would they be friends? Would his mom and I be closer? Would we have play dates? Just the thought of that is sickening. I just don't know. But today made me realize what I am not. Or rather what I do not have.

We live fairly close to one another so she picked me up and we went to the mall since she and I both had a couple things to return. After that, we went to Gy.mbor.ee, Chi.ldrens P.lace, The Di.sney St.ore, we waited so her wee one could get on a carousel in the middle of the mall, we browsed the windows of Bu.ild A Be.ar and we had lunch in the food court. After that we went to a larger department store so I could look for something to wear for the funeral. When we left we picked up her kiddos from school.

Now I don't want to say that she was being selfish in wanting to go to these places because that is her life and those are her interests. Those are the places she needs to go...but I have no business in there whatsoever! In fact most of the time I was watching the stroller or making sure her child didn't run out of the store while she was shopping. At one point she handed me her Starbucks and asked me to hold on to it so she she could finish looking. It was my day off yet I was still running after a 3 year old. This bothered me. A lot.

Not to defend her or her actions but maybe this is what she and her friends do together???

Of course I said nothing. What could I say? I don't fault her for being a mother. I don't fault her for not knowing what it's like to be a childless mother. And while she did try to make small talk about us TTC, she just doesn't get it. We live in separate worlds and yet just a couple miles in between.

10 comments:

The Duchess of Wessex said...

Your feelings are your feelings. I say BRAVO you for being able to put them into words. For dealing with them and for being kind to yourself for having them at all.

I agree with you that the way she behaved was insensitive and hello? Down right rude too! Take away the insensitivity of dragging you to all those kid-oriented places, but who tells their shopping buddy to hold their coffee? Strollers today have cup holders and if her stroller doesn't, then she needs to learn how to put her cup down on the floor!

I know how rough this is on you - women your age have children, that's a fact you can't avoid - however, you most certainly don't have to feel bad about not wanting to spend the day wandering in and out of kid-filled places OR babysitting someone else's child on your day off - when you should be luxuriating and pampering yourself!

It's hard... On one hand I want you to hang out with and choose friends (like me) whose children are grown and on the other hand, I know you're going to be a mom again soon so I want to encourage you to get familiar with those places and used to chasing down a toddler!

Sending you love, support and hugs!

froggy mommy said...

I really can't imagine asking a friend who I know is struggling with infertility or one who has suffered the loss of a child (or children) to come shopping with me at a kid's store. I just can't even get my mind around how someone rationalizes that as being ok. Maybe I'm more empathetic than the average person, but Holy insensitive, Batman! I wouldn't do that in the same way I wouldn't take my friend who's mom died ten years ago shopping for my mom's mother's day gift.

Virginia said...

Yeah. Wow. Clueless. Which is the kindest thing I can say. That's just not right. I don't know why people's insensitivity continues to surprise me - well, it does and it doesn't. I both expect it and I don't. It sucks.

Rachel said...

I second what everyone else has said.

Hugs to you Monica.

Sophie A. said...

Ugh, I am so sorry. You're right, it sounds like she just doesn't get it. Anyone who's struggled to conceive (or has a heart?) wouldn't do that. It just seems that in going to all those stores with you, etc., she didn't think of your feelings :(. I know a lot of moms have their hands full but, really... it just takes a few minutes to think of the other person. I say, take a day to go out and do something nice for yourself! You deserve it :).

Ingrid said...

You have a right to feel that way Monica. And I can see why...your whole afternoon was centered around her three yr old son. I think that was kinda insensitive of her. I can see bringing the baby but come on.

I hope I'm not that way going on and on about my three. :( Be sure to tell me if I ever do.
~ingrid

Coleen's Recipes said...

I hope, beyond all hopes, that this was unintentional on her part. In ANY world, it was totally cruel and insensitive. What in the world was she thinking?

Beth said...

Nobody does get it...and until they have expierenced loss of your magnitiude, they won't. Noone seems to be able to put themselves in anyone else's shoes expect their own. The saddes part about it all is that I don't even think people THINK about it. They don't think about how anything would effect someone who has lost what she seems to be enjoying oh so much.

Rip your heart out.

I am so sorry you have to deal with people like this on such a regular basis. It makes your journey that much more painful.

I am praying for you always. And you dear Monica ARE also a mother. You are a fantastic mother. And you always will be. Sam and Jack have the best earthly mother two sweet sweet boys could ever ask for. I just pray that one day you will get to actively show your sweet miracle here on earth just how much love you have to give.

May His loving arms wrap around you and comfort you today and always.

Kristi said...

I'm sorry that she was insensitive to the situation.

I hope, very soon, you will have business being in those stores!

Go do something nice for yourself!

wannabe mom said...

I can't imagine going to any of those places myself, much less dragging anyone else with me. It's torture for me, if you can believe it.

It was insensitive of her, and I hope this post helps others to think twice when "spending time" with others in the same position. I'm sorry you had to go through that.