"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Calendar Issues



Went back to work yesterday after being off for 5 weeks. I was kind of dreading it to be honest (big surprise!) but the kids were actually well behaved and dare I say it, a delight to be around. Maybe it's just because I missed them :-)

I've thought a lot about what I want to do concerning TTC. On the 23rd, I called in a Rx for birth control but I can't make myself go pick it up. I don't usually pick them up (mr. h does) but I can't seem to ask him to go get it either. I called it in when I was still on my period and thought I would take it as soon as it was over since that's when I'd need to start it but then it felt wrong to start taking BC during the holidays so I held off. Maybe next month, but I really don't know.

After the one year mark of TTC hit, I told myself that I wasn't going to go to the doctor and that I would be okay TTC on our own without medical help until the end of February. That gave us 4 more months. Well now we're down to 2 months and February doesn't seem so far off. I'm feeling a little pressured by the calendar.


For 7 months I was charting my saliva and checking for "ferns". I continued to do this and didn't see any real patterns for ovulation. According to Ovulite, there are 3 phrases of ferning. #1 is no ferns and not fertile, #2 is some ferns and somewhat fertile and #3 is lots of ferns and fertile/ovulating. In theory, around ovulation is when you would see lots of ferning. And again in theory, ovulation would occur mid month around the 15th day. Well I collected my drops of saliva first thing in the morning before eating or drinking and I would receive peak readings (#3- fertile) right after my period and it would stay that way several days in a row. I marked the days with a number 1, 2, or 3 and I had a lot of 3's all over the place but no real pattern. When I went to the doctor I told her about this and she said I was either doing it incorrectly (you spit on a slide and view it after it's dry under a microscope- what's there to mess up?) or I wasn't ovulating. I'm going with the second.

She suggested I buy a Fertility monitor (the one with pee sticks) and use it daily. I told her I used a friend's monitor and she suggested we get our own. The thing is I can't afford the monitor or the sticks! And talk about pressure. That was worse for me, which is why I started using the Ovulite in the first place. I just can't do it. I stopped charting a few weeks ago and it's been liberating. I rarely ever think about doing it, which has been nice. And I think Mr. h feels less pressured about trying to perform and making a baby. That in itself has been an issue. I minor one, but an issue in itself. This whole thing is just stressful.

We still haven't scheduled the appointment for the sem.em an.alysis. I know in my heart the problem doesn't lie in him. It made me feel better at the time thinking that I could have been the "normal" one but I know I'm not. One day at a time. One day at a time.

We did manage to get to the cemetery to see the boys. We made it out there the day after Chrsitmas. It was a beautiful day. We cleaned their headstones, wished them a Merry Christmas and gave them a kiss. Then we went to say hello a couple of their friends- Logan, Evan and Tyler. Below is the newest addition to Mr. H's villages. I love it.




I was originally thinking that I would get on BC in December take it for 2 months and get off it just in time for our anniversary. I was hoping we could make an anniversary baby but that plan is obviously out since the BC is still at the pharmacy. I may go get it and just keep it for when I feel ready to take it and then again maybe not. Maybe I won't need it.

And I know you are trying to be positive and encouraging when you say "this is [my] year" but that's hard to read because I was told that and I started to believe it LAST year. I just feel more pressure. Not your fault in the least and I thank you for being there for me. I just wish time and cycles weren't an issue. Damn the calendar.
mr. h just asked me if I was "still hopeful". I want to be and somedays I am.

22 comments:

Virginia said...

Oh honey, hang in there. Lots of hugs coming your way.

sapphireblue said...

**Hugs**

Andrea said...

Monica,

February is my deadline also *sigh* I've thought of your options since reading you post and think you are making the right move to take the BCP. I've researched and read that coming off them often "sparks" the ovaries into action. It's sooo worth giving it a go.

As for the fertility monitor, I bought one and this is my first month using it and I like it. It plus the sticks was $280 at walgreens, but they are about $50-80 less on Amazon. If that is not in your budget (as it's pricy & I felt taken advantage of) use the clear blue digital sticks, which you can catch on sale at Wal Mart. They work well too and you can test 2x a day if you like or 1x.

Love, love, love the oyster and pearl ornament!

Hang in there and know that I am rallying you on!

Andrea
persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com

Andrea said...

Oops, forgot to tell you that using someone else's fertility monitor may seem to not work because it stores the previous users information which may conflict with yours. At least that is what Clear Blue says.

Hugs

Elizabeth said...

Just do what feels right to you. *hugs*

tyfamilyadventures said...

A friend of mine got pregnant thanks to the pill the first time the second time she did the chlomid.All I can say honey is do what you feel is right.I think od you often and am here if you ever just want to talk...
higs

Becky said...

(((hugs)))

I miss you.

Kristi said...

The shell & pearl ornament is perfect! And Jacks' shop - so sweet.

I'm thinking of you.

Marie W said...

Thinking of you Monica! I am sorry for the struggle you are having. I agree about the fertility monitor, hey are expensive. I suggest you look on line and see if they are more affordable sold in other states. I will definitely look for you in Fl. Let me know if I can be of any help in any other way.

Anonymous said...

Have you thought about using the Clomid. My girlfriend had problems getting pregnant and used clomid to get pregnant with both her boys. She didnt have any problems with multiples.

Beth said...

Sending lots of love and hugs your way!

Hennifer said...

Thinking of you daily! I have a local friend ttc on her own and I keep wishing and hoping for the both of you.

Trust your heart!

Love the ornament!

missing_one said...

I gave up charting because it stressed me out too much.
I bought the ClearBlue easy fertillity montitor and found that to help immensely with when I ovulated and when I didn't. -especially since I wasn't a regular ovulator nor did I ovulate every cycle. At least then, I knew when we didn't get pg, that it was because I didn't even ovulate that month. It takes a couple of months for the monitor to learn your cycle, but totally worth it. PLUS you get to pee on a stick more. LOL
I also got the FertilAid supplements for me and Dh (although Dh didn't take them)and took evening primrose oil orally around ovulation time
the best website to buy from is
early-pregnancytests.com I think there is always a coupon code of 'diapers' where you save 10%. *hugs* hang in there.

jaded said...

I've been checking in on you for the longest! I'm glad you posted. I wish I could say something which isn't assvice - but I haven't a clue.

Although - if I was in your exact same situation, I think I'd take it, just so that I can soothe myself with knowing i've tried everything. I know it seems counter-productive in every sense to work on impeding the very outcome you want, but this might be the unique way in which your body gets pregnant.

I'm thinking of you every day and hoping it will get better very soon.

The Duchess of Wessex said...

You are a beautiful, intelligent woman, Monica. I say, trust your instincts, follow your heart and BELIEVE you will one day bounce grandchildren on your knee.

For a couple of months on BC you will know getting pregnant won't be possible and it will SUCK - however, if a month of two off BC means you get pregnant, then I say give it a go. Without the BC experiment you have no guarantee of a different result, right? You can do this! I know you can...

Know that you are NEVER alone and that I stand with you in this journey.

Much love!

Amanda said...

(((HUGS))) my friend!!

Rachel said...

Monica, I hurt for you. I wish I could make it all better.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I love all the ordaments. *HUGS*

Sophie A. said...

The pill path sounds like a good one! I think you're going about things the right way. Starting meds can be scary sometimes, take your time. Throw away the calendars if it helps :P!

I understand about that monitor! It is so expensive... and it didn't even help me! :P It didn't work because I was so irregular and it would only let me test on certain days. I've heard the disposable cheapie ones work just as well (if not better), and have heard about some success stories with them :). The cool thing about those is you can use them every day and they're still affordable.

Sending hugs and a bundle of hope for the new year. I have a lot of faith... After conceiving under such unpredictable circumstances, I definitely believe it can happen to someone else ;)!

ms. G said...

I understand your reluctance about the BC and even your hesitation about picking it up. One step at a time. First, pick it up. Then, once it is in your house you can either take a step towards taking it or not.

I love the ornaments.

Coleen's Recipes said...

Every night, at the end of my prayer...I say "Dear Lord, give Monica and her hubby courage". I have faith that he will.

JGirl2005 said...

Hugs...
I'm so sorry you are having problems TTC.
I'm thinking about you. I like Mr H's new village. did he make it?
Thanks for visiting Tyler's grave!