Giving Back

For Sam's birthday we made a donation to Ronald McDonald House. As I've said before, the RMH together with a local grief therapist provided a free support group for families of loss. We attended 2 groups last year that helped us quite a bit so we wanted to give back.

A friend of mine also made a donation in memory of her son, so we went together. She made yummy looking chocolate chip cookies (homemade- I'm so proud of you!) and donated several household items such as laundry detergent, dish soap, coffee etc. Lots of items they'll get tons of use out of.

And I made spiral cookies and donated a gift for a two year old boy. That was my only request- that the toy be given to a well deserving (aren't they all) rambunctious little 2 year old boy. It was something Sam would have loved and I wanted another child to enjoy it as well. Luckily there was a wee one there who they were going to give the toy to- yay! I wish I could have seen him play with it.

I wrapped them in tissue, put 'em in a "Happy Birthday" box, and tied it with a bow.

I also gave a book that reminded me of my Sam :-)

And wrote a little something inside the cover.

This is the toy we chose for a 2 year old boy. It's fabric covered tools in a toolbox. The drill has a cord that vibrates when you pull it.

And this is everything all dressed up and ready to walk out the door.

If you'd like to make a donation, click HERE or contact me to find out how you can help.

UGLY

That's what I whisper under my breath to the ultrasound picture hanging on the fridge every time I open the door to get LD a snack.


And that makes me just as ugly.
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I am admitting this to you all this because I told the support group members this (last night) and they all gasped. Now I feel rotten.

Revealed

ATTENTION: Before you scroll down or open up your blog reader, be forewarned that there is a beadbaby picture below. I have to post it. I need to. And I make absolutely no apologies for it either. If you don't want to see it, don't read this post.

I have been good. I haven't been overly emotional. I haven't really cried, even at our support group on Thursday night where there were two new couples in the group. Other than the slight, unexpected things that make me sad, I have been okay with my grief. I feel like I'm making progress and I am "growing" into a stronger person. That being said, I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. Let me explain, I often look at the boys pictures. I have them throughout the house, on our entry table, in the office, I have them rotating through our screen saver. I see them all the time. But last night, I was organizing the pictures on our computer into their appropriate folders. I opened up Jack's folder and browsed through them. I was okay looking at them. I opened up Sam's folder and I was okay until I saw a certain picture. A picture that I have seen many, many times. But last night it spoke to me.

And

it

made

me

so

incredibly

sad

and

tearful.

The kinds of tears that fall down like a heavy rain storm, that you can't even breathe through. Tears for the sadness on Mr. H's face and the loneliness in his heart. Tears for the vulnerability in Sam's body. Tears for the helplessness.

And here comes the rain again.

M.I.A.

We had a thunderstorm on Saturday. While I was reading a blog, the power went out. It immediately turned back on throughout the house with the exception of the computer. We have it plugged into a surge protector, but it obviously didn't work. Or maybe it did. Our phone (which is plugged into the same outlet strip) has not been working well lately. I was about to get a new one and when the power went out and turned back on it started working again like new. Go figure. The mother board and the power supply in our computer are completely shot, but the phone works. I don't think that's a fair trade off, do you? D.ell was going to send someone out to today (Tuesday) to replace these parts, but instead they called to say that they are on back order for another week. WTF? So, we have borrowed my in-laws computer since it is essentially the same as ours and because it is imperative to blog to maintain my sanity. You think I'm kidding.

Jack's first birthday is approaching rather quickly. As the day nears (Thursday) I start to miss him even more. I cannot believe it has been a year already. It feels like it was just a few weeks ago, but then again it feels like it has been years with the amount of grief that I have been dealing with. I have been struggling with what to do to honor my dear son for his birthday. For Sam's first birthday, we had a balloon release and invited friends and family. It was exhausting but it was worth it. I loved having everyone there for him. For Jack, I wanted to do something a little different and I couldn't think of anything. I know I want to take some balloons out to him for a private release with just Mr. H and Autumn and me. I am going to make him cupcakes as I did for Sam, although I haven't decided on what yet. My FIL mentioned to my MIL that he has been thinking about it a lot lately and he wants to go to the cemetery. So we will go together as a family then we are going out for a nice quiet dinner.

This morning when I got out of the shower I started singing a song in my head. It was really strange because I haven't thought of this song in over 12 years. The last time I heard/sang this song was when I was in choir in high school. I don't know why, but it was so clear to me. And as I sang it in my head, all I could think about was Jack. I have a feeling that he sent it to me. Mr. H and I had lunch at a local cafe before running errands today and I told him about this song. I just started to cry and the tears began to fall uncontrollably. I guess this happened because I feel so much, but I never let the feelings out. I keep them inside. I always have. When I do let them out, I get completely overwhelmed by the sensations that I feel. All I know is that I love him so incredibly much and I wish he were here. I wish that this feeling of sadness would disappear forever. I wish that I didn't know what grief was.

Speaking of grief... Thursday night is also our support group. I have been going to this group for over a year. I needed this group. I needed the people in it. I felt better when the group ended, but shortly there after I felt like I was in need of 'more'. The facilitator of this group is the chaplain of the hospital where I gave birth to the boys. She is wonderful in so many ways. She really helped us to get where we are now. Which doesn't really look like much, but we've come a long way from where we were. I often feel stuck, but I know we have overcome many obstacles and I think she and that group have helped. I was planning on going to the group, but Mr. H doesn't get as much out of it as he used to. We didn't go last month because we were out of town for Marie's funeral. I really thought we'd go this month because it was Jack's day and I thought we'd need the support. Well, Mr. H is right. The group doesn't offer us what it used to and the dynamics have changed. Everyone in the original group has either quit attending, had a baby or is currently pregnant and since we are no closer to TTC as we were 6 months ago, this can be difficult some days.

Also, he feels pressured into speaking and when he does he just pisses me off. He feels like he doesn't say the "right" things and I'm going to get mad at him. I'd like to say he's wrong, but he's not. He does say the wrong things and I do get mad at him. Maybe I feel that once a month he is supposed to agree with what ever I say. Maybe once a month I want him to say that he wants to try again. Maybe once a month I think he should confess his deepest darkest secrets and confide in me and the group about his desire to be a father. Maybe once a month he should just support me and my decision/need to be a mother. Not going to happen. Maybe that's why once a month, I get so pissed at him that I want to run over his face with a semi. over.and.over. (repeat if necessary). Maybe it's best he doesn't go. But then I'm quite positive I would guilt-trip him into going and he'll f*ck up again. It's a lose-lose situation really.

I don't want you to think that my husband is a complete assh*le, he's not. But I expect so much from him and I feel let down at times. Now I'm making him sound like a failure. He's not. I just wish he could give me a freaking date so we can try again. I just want something to look forward to. Right now, all I look forward to is the anniversaries of my babies' deaths. All I do is think about them. Day in and day out. Every moment of everyday. It gets exhausting. It makes me sad. It wears me out. I want happiness to return to my life. I'm not saying or thinking that everything will be wonderful, and the grief will go away, because I know it won't, but I have to believe that having a (live) baby will change things. I guess the reason I get so upset at him is because he wanted to wait a year. It will be a year Thursday and it doesn't make any difference to him. He could wait another 30 years and not have children and he'd be okay with that (his words). But I am not okay with that. Call me needy but "I just want a family".

Back to the support group...I want to keep going but I know that it will not be the same as it once was. I don't want to go by myself because it's kind of like counseling- both parties need to participate to benefit. When I go to the group and I see new people there, I feel nothing for them. I used to get so involved into their stories and I would start to take on their grief as well. I no longer do that. I can't. I look at these people and I feel sad for them, but I just don't want to hear about their losses. I want it to be about me and my losses. I know that sounds so awfully selfish, but I have enough of my own grief to deal with. Am I alone in feeling this way?

12 Months. 12 Facts.

It's the last day of 2007. I have mixed emotions about this year. It was a year of heartache, yet it was still the year I gave birth to my beautiful son and became a mother to a second child. I thank God for my experiences, because I know I will gain something from them all, but I wish there wasn't such a high price to pay to learn a life lesson.

January- Got a cerclage in hopes that everything would work out and I would have a live baby.

February - Jack died and we made funeral arrangement on his dad's birthday. He was buried the next morning.

March- I met with the peri and he gave us the go ahead to try again.

April- We took a much needed spiritual trip to Santa Fe over Easter. Made lifelong friends at a pregnancy loss group.

May- Raised $1015 and walked for my boys in The March of Dimes and celebrated Mother's Day crying over their headstones at the cemetery.

June- Enjoyed a relaxing weekend on the coast and had another birthday.

July- Picked wild strawberries from a field with Sam and Aaron.

August- Celebrated Sam's 1st birthday with a balloon release. Got a bunny named August and started a blog.

September- Made Autumn treats for her 3rd birthday, and tamales with my family after my mom had surgery.

October- Started a new support group and made new friends. Met Andy and Ethan for the first time :)

November- Found a new (good) doctor I like- not a small feat.

December- Grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. Realized that even though I wasn't able to physically spend Christmas with my boys that they spent Christmas in Heaven with the birthday boy. And that must have been the best!

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Now for a few little facts about me that you should know as we enter 2008. Thanks for the idea Monica and Holly!

1. I don't like warm cream cheese or dishes with corn in them- yuck!

2. Although I think corn is fascinating. You can do so freakin' much with it. For example: corn on the cob, corn niblets, creamed corn, corn meal, polenta, corn starch, corn oil, plastics, ethanol, the list goes on. I'm kinda like the bubba gump of corn.

3. I DO NOT drink water from the bathroom faucet- no exceptions!

4. I'm addicted to lip balm and deep conditioners. Not because I'm dry or chapped, but because I like to be extra hydrated.

5. Mr. H is the only man I have ever been with and we've been together for almost 9 years.

6. I am a jealous person. I do not want to be, but I am.

7. I am a judgemental person. Again, I do not want to be, but I am.

8. I have a fear of cold wet places. Well, not really a fear so much as it just completely grosses me out. I DO NOT like to touch the shower wall, or shower curtain. I don't like to pick up shampoo bottles that are cold and wet because the water gets trapped in the lid and then it spills down my arm- gross. I also don't like to put my feet flat on the shower floor- it makes me feel dirty. I don't like to shower after someone else, because I feel like their germs are "fresh" and they're going to get on me. Probably why Mr. H and I have separate bathrooms. I think I am a little crazy!

9. My toe nails are always painted a shade of pink or red, they're never bare because I don't like my feet.

10. I am ashamed and disappointed in myself for contemplating divorce. (Honey, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me.)

11. I've never been drunk. (I'm thinking maybe I should give it a try!)

12. I really believe that David Ball wrote the song "Thinkin' Problem" for me. Ha! That makes me laugh.

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Okay, that's it! If you have any fun facts about yourself, leave them in the comment section. I'd love to read them. And since it's the last day of the year, if you're a lurker, stop reading long enough to say hi, then you can go back on your merry way. And while you're at it, stop by to visit Virginia and wish her well. 4 years ago today, her son, Ben, left this Earth far too early.

And before I forget, here is a photo of August and Autumn I took to send out with the Christmas cards. I did not send this one, but I thought it was funny. Autumn is a little jealous of August and she didn't want to sit next to him.

Etched In Stone

The Ronald McDonald House in our area sponsors a Hope group that helps families and parents cope with the loss of a pregnancy. Last week was the start of a new group called the PAL (Pregnancy After A Loss) group. It's a group that meets once a week for 6 weeks and focuses on those thinking about TTC as well as those who already pregnant at any gestation. There are 3 couples and one other lady (all of whom I know because they all go to our other support group) and they are all pregnant from 10-22 weeks. That kinda bums me out and I feel a little out of place because of it. I feel like a 3rd wheel, not because they made me feel like that, but because of my own insecurities. I mentioned this to the group facilitator and he suggested I still come to the group because it would help us for when we got pregnant. I am the only one there who has had two losses, and I can't relate to what they are feeling now in their pregnancies because I am not pregnant. I'm going to keep going but I still feel uneasy about it. The Hope group was really beneficial to me but when we ended the group I felt lost, like I didn't know where to go from there. I left the group not knowing what was next for us regarding a subsequent pregnancy. I think this group will help me with those unanswered questions. And it couldn't have come at a better time since we are going to try again in January (keep your fingers crossed).

On the RMH grounds, there is a fountain and statues of children playing together. There are hundreds of memory stones with children's names on them that are no longer with us. They do this for free, all you have to do is give them the name you want on the rock. These stones are then placed throughout the garden, around statues and in the fountain. Well Sam and Jack got their stones today. I asked for a stone that had both their names on one rock so they wouldn't get separated and so we would always know which rock was theirs. They got confused and made two rocks with one name on each. They are ordering us another stone, but they let us keep the others anyway. They are going to go out in our garden with a fountain we got of two boys playing together. We will also put their temporary headstones from the cemetery out there too. I haven't done any of this yet because I'm too lazy, but when I do, I'll post a picture. In the meantime, here are some pictures of the fountain and statues on the RMH grounds as well as Sam and Jack's stones.