"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

M.I.A.

We had a thunderstorm on Saturday. While I was reading a blog, the power went out. It immediately turned back on throughout the house with the exception of the computer. We have it plugged into a surge protector, but it obviously didn't work. Or maybe it did. Our phone (which is plugged into the same outlet strip) has not been working well lately. I was about to get a new one and when the power went out and turned back on it started working again like new. Go figure. The mother board and the power supply in our computer are completely shot, but the phone works. I don't think that's a fair trade off, do you? D.ell was going to send someone out to today (Tuesday) to replace these parts, but instead they called to say that they are on back order for another week. WTF? So, we have borrowed my in-laws computer since it is essentially the same as ours and because it is imperative to blog to maintain my sanity. You think I'm kidding.

Jack's first birthday is approaching rather quickly. As the day nears (Thursday) I start to miss him even more. I cannot believe it has been a year already. It feels like it was just a few weeks ago, but then again it feels like it has been years with the amount of grief that I have been dealing with. I have been struggling with what to do to honor my dear son for his birthday. For Sam's first birthday, we had a balloon release and invited friends and family. It was exhausting but it was worth it. I loved having everyone there for him. For Jack, I wanted to do something a little different and I couldn't think of anything. I know I want to take some balloons out to him for a private release with just Mr. H and Autumn and me. I am going to make him cupcakes as I did for Sam, although I haven't decided on what yet. My FIL mentioned to my MIL that he has been thinking about it a lot lately and he wants to go to the cemetery. So we will go together as a family then we are going out for a nice quiet dinner.

This morning when I got out of the shower I started singing a song in my head. It was really strange because I haven't thought of this song in over 12 years. The last time I heard/sang this song was when I was in choir in high school. I don't know why, but it was so clear to me. And as I sang it in my head, all I could think about was Jack. I have a feeling that he sent it to me. Mr. H and I had lunch at a local cafe before running errands today and I told him about this song. I just started to cry and the tears began to fall uncontrollably. I guess this happened because I feel so much, but I never let the feelings out. I keep them inside. I always have. When I do let them out, I get completely overwhelmed by the sensations that I feel. All I know is that I love him so incredibly much and I wish he were here. I wish that this feeling of sadness would disappear forever. I wish that I didn't know what grief was.

Speaking of grief... Thursday night is also our support group. I have been going to this group for over a year. I needed this group. I needed the people in it. I felt better when the group ended, but shortly there after I felt like I was in need of 'more'. The facilitator of this group is the chaplain of the hospital where I gave birth to the boys. She is wonderful in so many ways. She really helped us to get where we are now. Which doesn't really look like much, but we've come a long way from where we were. I often feel stuck, but I know we have overcome many obstacles and I think she and that group have helped. I was planning on going to the group, but Mr. H doesn't get as much out of it as he used to. We didn't go last month because we were out of town for Marie's funeral. I really thought we'd go this month because it was Jack's day and I thought we'd need the support. Well, Mr. H is right. The group doesn't offer us what it used to and the dynamics have changed. Everyone in the original group has either quit attending, had a baby or is currently pregnant and since we are no closer to TTC as we were 6 months ago, this can be difficult some days.

Also, he feels pressured into speaking and when he does he just pisses me off. He feels like he doesn't say the "right" things and I'm going to get mad at him. I'd like to say he's wrong, but he's not. He does say the wrong things and I do get mad at him. Maybe I feel that once a month he is supposed to agree with what ever I say. Maybe once a month I want him to say that he wants to try again. Maybe once a month I think he should confess his deepest darkest secrets and confide in me and the group about his desire to be a father. Maybe once a month he should just support me and my decision/need to be a mother. Not going to happen. Maybe that's why once a month, I get so pissed at him that I want to run over his face with a semi. over.and.over. (repeat if necessary). Maybe it's best he doesn't go. But then I'm quite positive I would guilt-trip him into going and he'll f*ck up again. It's a lose-lose situation really.

I don't want you to think that my husband is a complete assh*le, he's not. But I expect so much from him and I feel let down at times. Now I'm making him sound like a failure. He's not. I just wish he could give me a freaking date so we can try again. I just want something to look forward to. Right now, all I look forward to is the anniversaries of my babies' deaths. All I do is think about them. Day in and day out. Every moment of everyday. It gets exhausting. It makes me sad. It wears me out. I want happiness to return to my life. I'm not saying or thinking that everything will be wonderful, and the grief will go away, because I know it won't, but I have to believe that having a (live) baby will change things. I guess the reason I get so upset at him is because he wanted to wait a year. It will be a year Thursday and it doesn't make any difference to him. He could wait another 30 years and not have children and he'd be okay with that (his words). But I am not okay with that. Call me needy but "I just want a family".

Back to the support group...I want to keep going but I know that it will not be the same as it once was. I don't want to go by myself because it's kind of like counseling- both parties need to participate to benefit. When I go to the group and I see new people there, I feel nothing for them. I used to get so involved into their stories and I would start to take on their grief as well. I no longer do that. I can't. I look at these people and I feel sad for them, but I just don't want to hear about their losses. I want it to be about me and my losses. I know that sounds so awfully selfish, but I have enough of my own grief to deal with. Am I alone in feeling this way?

9 comments:

Rachel said...

First of all, I want you to know I have been thinking of you a lot this week. I know that whatever you do for Jack will be special and really neat.

Secondly, I think that if the support group helps you in any way at all you should go whether your husband is there or not. Women and men deal with grief differently and you can't fault your husband for that.

Lastly, I know how much you want to be a mom to children that you get to hold every day. I know that when the time comes you will be an awesome mother to those future children, you have already demonstrated that with Sam and Jack.

I would love to give you advise on how to convince your husband that it is time to start trying, but I am not sure I can come up with the right words. All I can do is pray for you.

Rachel

PS: Jack, have a very happy birthday!

Lori said...

I feel your pain on this one. I am so sorry that Sam is being so non-committal. I wish he could understand your desires to have and hold a live, breathing baby. I understand (which I know doesn't help you in getting pregnant, but I do!).

I figured that tomorrow would be my last night at group. But if no one else is going, then I will not be going either. Eric stopped going a long time ago because he didn't feel he was getting anything out of it. I was hurt at first, but then I realized that men cope with things much different than we do. They will never understand our pain as much - they will never honestly love/miss our babies as much as we do.

I think it is a great idea to celebrate Jack with your immediate family. I think it will be just as sentimental a time as with Sam's birthday. I plan on going by tomorrow to visit him and tell him Happy Birthday.

dealingwithlife said...

You are not alone. I feel the same way sometimes, like I just don't have the energy to hear another story but then I realize that someone has to listen. What would I have done of yall would have not been there for me when I lost Evan. I don't know...it has been longer for you so maybe it is different. I am sorry that and your hubby are still up in the air on the TTC situation. I am here for you if you need me...and I hope that you get through tomorrow peacefully as you remember Jack.

tyfamilyadventures said...

I think everything you are feeling is normal.I am so sorry this week is a really bad one for you.I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.Try to take care of yourself.

JGirl2005 said...

Monica,
I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.
I know it must be a hard day.
I'd like to go to a support group as I think I need it, but I don't think my DH would want to go. Men do deal differently.
I was mad at my DH last night as I feel the same way as you. I feel he doesn't think about our son as much as I do. He told me he is sad and it was the worst thing that he went through in his life, but he wants to be happy right now. It is so hard. I understand what he means that we should be happy we have a great life and we have each other, but like you I want *more*.
**hugs**
Happy Birthday Jack!!!

Monica said...

I understand the group thing too. We go and listen to the new people and try to help them, and then they never come back. I sort of feel like it was wasted time because it was time WE did not get to talk about OUR grief. I think people should be free to come and go, but it does make it difficult on the regulars.

Sam... about that I don't know what to say. I hope that he decides to try again. I hope that he can find some hope in the future. I think he is feeling in control by being the one to decide if and when you both will try again. I don't mean that he's on a power trip but that he knows once you try again, he really will have no control over whether you bring home a live baby and not having control is a scary feeling. He's a good guy though and I think he'll soon be ready to try again.

I sometimes don't know how you can go on without the knowledge of when you will be able to try or when you will hold a baby. When I was in that situation all I could think about was the fact that I had no idea when I'd have a baby and it hurt. That you have been in that limbo hell for a year is too much to bear.

I'll be there for you today.

Jack, I miss you. You've got such great parents who love you very much. They think about you every minute of every day. I hope you enjoyed the lunar eclipse. And Sam too.

meg said...

I'm not into the group thing at all. And I guess also, things change over time, like if it was good for you at some point, doesn't mean it will be now.

I hope that you can start trying again soon. The limbo is the worst time of all, I think. A plan makes it so much better.

christyna said...

oh Mon, I'm so sorry I haven't been around. Walker mentioned being ok if we didn't try again and at first i was mad and upset. All he wanted to talk about when we first started "dating" (which was only a year after I left my husband) was that i said I'd never marry or have another child. He was opposed to this and said if it wasn't going anywhere he didn't want to get invested. well here we were wanting to be pregnant and we lost it. I tried to "translate" what he meant by he'd be ok if we didn't have a baby. He meant that I was enough and Anders was enough for him to be happy, he would want a child of his own but not if it meant pain and loss to us again, if it hurt us, made us miserable. He loves me and Anders so much he'd be willing to sacrifice his own wants for my happiness. Not completely ideal but how I love that man so completely like I never believed I could.

I think your husband is scred to see you hurt again, scared to hurt and scared to love something so much and lose it. You are too but you want this. I hope you can come to an agreement or compromise at some point because you deserve a family and a child. you both do. and I seriously hope that you get what you want and deserve. I do think he wants it, he's just afraid and hurting. Men don't communicate well at all in this departmnet, which in turn pisses us off. I'm here. If you need anything, you know my email. Thank you for your support and care it means SO much.

theviewfromthisplace said...

When we lost Emi, my husband went to our local support group to support me. He did admit that it helped him though...mostly in understanding that women tend to go off the wall emotionally more than men. He would get everything wrong...wrong conception month...exagerate details...omit others. etc. They really do try!
This time around I do want to go back and i told him i respect him if he does not need to. and he doesn't,but he did say if i needed him he would go.
the social worker that runs the group talks a lot about letting people grieve the way they need to, so this time i won't stress him.
I know it will feel difficult b/c a lot of the members have moved on/gotten pregnant/given birth.
i was soooo excited thinking that i would be one of them. oh well.