Sunday, April 20, 2008


ATTENTION: Before you scroll down or open up your blog reader, be forewarned that there is a beadbaby picture below. I have to post it. I need to. And I make absolutely no apologies for it either. If you don't want to see it, don't read this post.

I have been good. I haven't been overly emotional. I haven't really cried, even at our support group on Thursday night where there were two new couples in the group. Other than the slight, unexpected things that make me sad, I have been okay with my grief. I feel like I'm making progress and I am "growing" into a stronger person. That being said, I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. Let me explain, I often look at the boys pictures. I have them throughout the house, on our entry table, in the office, I have them rotating through our screen saver. I see them all the time. But last night, I was organizing the pictures on our computer into their appropriate folders. I opened up Jack's folder and browsed through them. I was okay looking at them. I opened up Sam's folder and I was okay until I saw a certain picture. A picture that I have seen many, many times. But last night it spoke to me.










The kinds of tears that fall down like a heavy rain storm, that you can't even breathe through. Tears for the sadness on Mr. H's face and the loneliness in his heart. Tears for the vulnerability in Sam's body. Tears for the helplessness.

And here comes the rain again.


mrsmuelly said...

What a beautiful and truly moving picture. Thank you for sharing it. I'm sorry that it made you cry, but sometimes those "here comes the rain" cries are just what our heart needs. Sometimes...really, thank you for sharing that.

The Nanny said...

Monica, he is just beautiful. The picture took my breath away and made my heart ache.

Monica said...

Monica, I couldn't see the picture. I've seen most of your Sam and Jack pics and I was wondering which one you were talking about. I think I know which one it is.

BTW, How was group? I couldn't go because grades were due and I had already been up for two days.

Rachel said...

Thanks for sharing the picture, you have a beautiful son.

I am sorry that it made you sad.

Anonymous said...

lady you let the rain in and let it pour. crying is your bodies way of letting go of overwhelming emotions. Love, Loss, Sadness, Anger. it's perfectly healthy and normal. Trust me I still have my days and I never got to see my baby at all, so I couldn't imagine seeing them, having pictures and remebering holding them. You feel that and cherish that and miss that as long as you live. It may seem like 2 steps back but I think it's 2 steps forward. BIG HUGS

Kristi said...

Thank you for sharing the picture. Seeing my DH's sadness makes my heart ache, I'm sure you feel the same - because we can't make it better, we can't bring back our babies.

Thinking of you & Mr. H and Baby Sam & Baby Jack.

P.S. I burned Jack's candle a few days ago, I thought of him & all the other babies that have died as I passed through my kitchen.

wannabe mom said...

He is truly beautiful. Tears are very healing and I hope that with each rainstorm you are one step closer to finding peace (no matter how long it takes).

We also have pictures of the twins all over the house but to see the reaction of others in the photos really pushes the tears out.

Thank you for sharing Sam's picture.

Anonymous said...


mkv said...

Oh my goodness...thank you for sharing such a beautiful and very personal photo. I really think it helps the healing process to "reveal" like you wrote. Considering we live so incredibly close to each other I hope you feel the big giant hug I'm sending to you right this moment.

Coggy said...

I'm so sorry Monica. That's hard, and the others are so right it is a beautiful picture.
I'm struggling with having the photos and handprints out. I'm not sure what to do anymore. When I don't look at them I do OK, but when I do look it's so hard. It drags me right back to the 'I should have a baby right now' place.
Sometimes I find a good cry is much needed x x x

Beth said...

my heart breaks. What a beautiful baby and such an amazing amount of bravery from the two of you.

Antigone said...

I'm so so sorry.

Healing seems to involve occasional steps backward for all of us.If you're getting out of bed every day, you're doing very well.

Sarah said...

Oh Monica, your sweet, sweet boy. I think it is wonderful how you honor both of your sons daily. I know it is hard, but it id so lovely and sweet.
A final note, I remember the dark days and promise it does get brighter. Hang in there.

Virginia said...

Thank you for sharing your little guy with us. I've longed to do the same on my own blog but I guess I'm not brave enough yet.

Jenna said...

What a beautiful picture. Thanks for sharing and cry whenever you need to...whatever helps you. If you ever need anything let me know.

JGirl2005 said...

He reminds me of my son. :(
He is beautiful!
Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

this photo takes my breath away. a grown man looking at his son, and not being able to do anything but be vulnerable and be taken by the moment and the enormity and helplessness of the situation.

i have a photo of my husband and i in the NICU and my mother is taken away by the sad and helpless expression on my husband's face.

photos like these speak to the soul. there is no other way.

he is beautiful, just too little to live. how heartbreaking.