"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Saturday, October 25, 2008

Emotionally Exhausted

It has been a very long, exhausting, emotionally draining week. I am glad it is almost over.

Grandma B passed away Monday morning and we spent the entire day at my in-laws house greeting cops, corporals, sheriffs, EMS, fire fighters, grief counselors, the two people from the funeral home who came to pick her up, and lastly the florist who lives down the street who made the casket spray.

Tuesday was spent mostly at the funeral home going over her premade/paid arrangements and then going to the physical therapist.

Wednesday I worked all day then went home and cleaned house (along with Mr. H) since my in-laws were coming over after the funeral the next day.

Thursday morning was her visitation and funeral, then we went to Luby's for lunch. Luby's was her favorite restaurant. She and grandpa used to take Mr. H there when he was younger. That was a weekly tradition and he always ordered the fried fish, mac and cheese and okra. To this day, he still orders the same thing.

The funeral was beautiful and sweet. She was dressed in a suede brown wrap jacket and matching pants. She wore a coordinating hat and scarf as she always did. The flowers that adorned her casket were in earth tones and vibrant fall shades- colors she loved. Mr. H said a few words about his grandma and the times they shared with eachother. A few songs were played and all was perfect.

I worked Friday morning, then we went to the physical therapist again. Then last night Mr. H shampooed the carpets. We've been running around non-stop all week and we're literally exhausted. So today we slept in, had cinnamon toast for brunch and laid around all day. It's been nice.

On the baby front, LD's mom went to the doctor and she is already 3 cm dilated. Her due date is the 10th of next month. I have been trying to not think about it. I originally put it in my mind that she would have the baby around the 19th (which is Little Dude's birthday) which is also around Thanksgiving. So I kept thinking he'll be born in another month. But in reality, she could have a baby next week and this scares the hell out of me. I don't know what to do about this. Her friend came over the other day and was talking about how excited she was about the new baby. "Aren't you excited?" she kept saying. "It's going to be so hard for her to raise 2 boys...Are you going to help her with the baby?" All I said was. "We haven't discussed that yet." and changed the subject.

I was originally hoping to be pregnant by Christmastime so I could have an excuse to quit. I don't just want to quit because that would be unfair to her and I would feel guilty. Of all times she would need me, it would be NOW, so here I am still working there. The thing is, I don't think I would have a problem staying there if she weren't pregnant. I love LD and I would miss him if I left but I am jealous of her. But just to make myself clear, I don't want her baby. I don't even want her life, I just want to be pregnant and I want a baby too. I want her situation. And we're not there yet- not even close.

And pregnant people and babies seem to be popping up everywhere. I know some people say they are always around, but it never really applied to me. This week has proved different. A's friend (LD's mom) was pregnant when she was here a couple wees ago. She was about 20 weeks and shopped daily at BRU for stuff to take back to Spain. It was obnoxious to watch. The EMS guy (from above) spoke about his family and his mischievous boys. He has 3- ages 9, 7, and 5, and he also has a newborn baby girl. Oh, and 3 dogs and 2 cats. Not only is it enough that he has more living kids than I but he also has more pets. Double slap. The funeral director was pregnant, the receptionist at the physical therapist office is pregnant and due at the end of the month. I'm sure there's more, but I'm done with it. It's so frustrating.

The florist (as a gift to us) made wreaths of orange spray roses to take to the boys. Here a photo of a couple of roses flooded with water:
Today is also Logan's 2nd birthday. We miss you sweet boy. We think of you always.

9 comments:

Rachel said...

I have been meaning to post my condolences about Mr. H's grandmother. It is never easy to lose someone.

As far as watching LD and his sibling, you are going to have to decide what is best for you. Everyone who has lost a baby reacts differently to being around babies. If you think it is going to be hard, it may be best to put in your notice. If you think it will be hard to not see LD, maybe you could take him on play dates.

The Nanny said...

That's so rough. Thinking of you...

christyna said...

it seems to me that you're having another rough patch compounded by added things which makes the "hole" seem deeper. I have had so many of those days, weeks and months (most of which had nothing to do with babies dead or otherwise) so I could imagine how frustrating this all is for you.
I wish I could give you a big hug and some pregnant people blinders to get you through. Tell Mr. H that I am sorry for his loss, and yours.

Becky said...

It sounds like a rough week! I wanted to call and see how things went, but I figured that you were both exhausted.

I think that you have to do what's best for you too regarding LD. I think that she's probably the kind of person that would unintentionally drop the new baby off on you without thinking just because she could...you'd be there and she'd need to get her haircut or something. So even if she says that you aren't going to be watching him, I think it would be inevitable if only for a lunch out here and there. So I think you need to weigh things. Me, personally, couldn't handle it. In fact, I don't think I could watch LD just for the pure fact that he's 2 and our boys would be too. So just for that, I give you a tremendous amount of credit! I know that you don't want to leave LD so I'm trying to think of a way that you could do it both...I'll get back to you on it. In the meantime, think about what is right for Monica. You're a wonderful person and you deserve to be incredibly happy.

I agree, many, many pregnant people. In your face pregnant, too. They try to talk to me, cause of Lily I guess, but I don't like to talk back to them because they don't know. They aren't one of us. And if they are, I can see in their eyes and I nod to them like I know. They smile, I smile, and we have a mutual understanding. But for the others...sorry, I got no time. Lol, is that bad?

Monica H said...

Rachel- Thank you, it's never too late. Playdates are a good idea, but I think it's kind of like a friend that moves away. You keep in contact for a little while then the friendship fades. I don't want to forget him and vice versa.

Nanny- Thank you for your thoughts.

Chrystina- The hole definitely is deeper and larger and I think it's full of quick sand. And I can almost feel your hugs :-)

Becky- They are in my face pregnant and I don't like it much. I should get a shirt that says if you're pregnant :BEWARE! Like Chrystina suggested, blinders would be good. I think your technique is kinda funny. I say keep doing it. You just know who understand and who really doesn't give a shit.

Antigone said...

I'm so sorry.

Logan will be in my thoughts.

Kristi said...

I know you'll make the right decision regarding LD & the new baby.
I still have a hard time around some pregnant women, not all, just depends on the circumstances.

I'm sorry this is such a rough time.

jaded said...

so very tough...be gentle with yourself sweetheart...just indulge and be kind to yourself...this week has been grueling indeed

JGirl2005 said...

Im so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I know it is hard to be around babies. Do what you feel is right? Even if u were pg it may not make things easier. It's sitll so hard seeing ppl with no problems. They don't realize how blessed they are.