"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Complex Is Me

The consensus seems to be that I need to take care of myself and do what's best for me, regarding taking care of LD.

The problem is, I don't know how to do that. This is not something new, I've never known how. I've always put others needs and wants before my own. It's part of what makes me "me". I like to make others happy, and in turn, that makes me happy. It was how I was raised- to be completely unselfish.

And even if I were to quit (because I was putting my needs first) I'd feel guilty. I'd be upset and feel uneasy about leaving her alone to care for her own children (God forbid, I know!)

I know most people care for their own kids without outside help, and it's not that she can't do it, but she depends on me. We haven't talked about my duties after the baby comes, but she has mentioned that as of March (!) it'll just be the two of us.

I'm sure she can find a replacement. Strike that- there's no replacing me :-) but she can find someone else to take care of LD and her baby. I just don't know if I want her to.

The problem that I have is that even if I put my needs first, I am essentially hurting somebody else. And that hurts me. If I spend all day worrying about how I've put someone in a bind, that completely undoes all the good I've done for myself. Am I making any sense?

I don't have to make a decision right away, and I have given it a lot of thought, but I just don't know what to do. She has no idea I have doubts about working for her. Any suggestions?

8 comments:

Rachel said...

I understand about not wanting to put her in a bind. Think about what it would be like if there was no connection to LD and the baby. Would watching a baby bother you?

I think you need to be upfront with her. Tell her that you are not sure if you will be comfortable around a baby given your situation. Then offer to give it a trial run. Tell her that you'll try it for one or two days when she is there, if you are comfortable, extend the time.

Other than that, don't worry about putting her in a bind. She will find someone else, and it will be OK. If she has plenty of notice, she will have time to find someone. Rarely do people expect to hire someone, and then have that someone stick around until retirement.

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Nanny said...

I agree with Rachel--maybe try for a little while with both boys. But explain in advance what you're thinking, what you're going through. If she's any kind of human, she'll understand.

And I completely understand about knowing that she could hire someone else, but not wanting her too. I felt that exact same way.

Kristi said...

I agree with Rachel, suggest a trial run.
I totally understand wanting to not put her in a bind, but if the situation makes you uncomfortable, you have to speak up. I know, I've been there, not exactly the same situation, but I was always putting my boss's needs before mine and I ended up so unhappy. At some point, you HAVE to put yourself first, at least in this type of situation.

jaded said...

gosh Monica,
you remind me of the way i was, now i am so different...so black and white. i think it stems from the fact that i was so unsupported with my losses...
anywho...me i would just leave. but then again, i have become very selfish in my thinking, it's my survival mechanism for sure.
i think your great for thinking this through so heavily though...

Hennifer said...

I think it is important that you be honest with yourself and with her. If she really has no idea she can't make decisions and neither can you without complete information.

As you said they are her kids and she will find someone else to care for them if it comes to that (I'm so happy you pointed out that you are irreplacable!)

You don't have to feel bad about leaving her in a bind. Guilt is no one's friend.

And honestly from some of what you've said in the past she doesn't sound like the perfect employer.

I hope which ever decision you make you are able to avoid beating yourself up. hugs

missing_one said...

I really sounds like you know what you need to do and now you just have to figure out a way not to feel guilty about it.

Everything will be OK. She will be OK. But how are YOU going to deal if you are still there? If everyday you dread going there. If everyday you are miserable and maybe cry?

I'm going to give you the pass to not feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself first.

*hugs for strength and peace*

oh, and I tagged you if you want some distraction!

christyna said...

agreed! communication is key dear. that way nothing is misconstrued or inferred and perhaps the problem can be solved. its a tough talk, but it needs to be done :) good luck