"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Thursday, August 6, 2009

De-Funked and A Request

Soooooo. What's up? How's it going? How are you?

Oh, you want to know how I am? Wanna know about the funk that I was so grumpy and dramatic about?

Well now that a few days have passed and I'm not so pissy I'll share. I'm trying to get over it, slowly but surely.

It all basically comes down to this cycle being a bust. I was 5 days late, then I started spotting on Sunday. I spotted for a couple days and it was faintly pink til it turned into a regular flow. I'm just irritated and frustrated.

August 1st marked 9 months. We've been trying for 9 months all for 9 more months. I just really thought this month was going to be successful. We had sex almost every other day. I propped a pillow under my butt after intercourse for 30 minutes at a time while Mr. H was showering so he didn't know I was doing it. I didn't want him to know I was so desperate. Now he knows because he's reading... (hi hon!). I'm still checking and charting cervical mucous as well as ferning. I just want it to happen already!

It took us 10 months to get pregnant with Sam. And ironically we started TTC on August 1, 2005. So really we've been at this for 4 years. Dang, that's a long time! I feel hopeful because this month could be our month, but then again I feel pressured to make it happen. I know if we don't conceive this month I will feel like a failure. I know I'm not. We're not failures but that doesn't mean I won't feel that way. I don't understand why things don't work the way they should!

That and I've been off of work for the last 5 weeks. LD and his family went home for the summer so I had some (unpaid) time off. I had to go back to work yesterday, though she tried to get me to go back earlier because she was so busy and had "so much work to do". I got to work yesterday and she asked me to stay late. I agreed, only for her to leave to go shopping with her family that's visiting. She just gets on my nerves.

Yesterday, August 5th, was Jack's due date. I don't really know what else to say about it, other than I just miss him so much and wish he were here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Next Saturday, the 15th, is Sam's 3rd birthday. I've been inspired by Carly and Sarah and I'm asking you all (if you want to) to write or spell out Sam's name, take a picture of it and E-MAIL it to me. Of course if you want to, you can do Jack's name too :-) You can go here, here or here for some inspiration.

Thank you all for listening, reading, emailing and being there for me.

10 comments:

missing_one said...

*hugs* just keep hanging in there! You are doing everything right

my3sons said...

Monica,
That is so frustrating. I will say a prayer for you this next month. I had to laugh at the pillow under the butt. I would do that same thing. My husband thought I was weird. What do they know?:)
Sorry about LD's mom. I can see where she would be very annoying! Thinking of you and your precious boys!!

The Nanny said...

Hugs hugs hugs.

Rachel said...

I'm sorry!

Virginia said...

Oh, I totally did the pillow under the butt too. But it was the fertility drugs that got me knocked up in the end. :-)

And I"m sorry about the funkiness, and the employer, and everything else.

Kristi said...

I'm sorry everything seems to happen all at once. I'm thinking of a way of write Sam's name for you!

Sophie said...

I have a confession to make. I am THIS close to standing on my head. I've been doing the 'propped up on a pillow thing' too and I'm tempted to move on to something else... acrobatics perhaps :P? All in the name of conceiving with gravity's help, of course :)!!

I'll be sending my name pics in soon :).

mrsmuelly said...

Like we "wrote", you can be in a funk if you want. You have all the right! TTC is hard enough on it's own without the added thoughts and pressures of our losses. I could say all the cliche things...but I'll just leave you with I'm praying, wishing, and hoping for you guys.

froggy mommy said...

Just sucky and frustrating. Hugs to you!

diariesofajadedheart said...

today i found myself thinking about feeling left behind and feeling like i have lost so much time in trying to have a family. i hate that feeling. but i try to stay true to my beleif - which is that everything happens when it should.
i am not dismissing what you are saying and i hope i don't make it seem that way - i just want to share with you what gives me strength and what keeps me in the ring.

i love you and always think of you. i really do have faith that your time will come.