"IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF THE GESTATION, IT'S THE EXTENT OF THE ATTACHMENT."


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Jack, I Heart You



For the last few days I felt as if I wasn't thinking enough of Jack. Today is his birthday and all I've been thinking about is Mr. H and his upcoming birthday in a couple days. It's not that I've forgotten about him it's just overwhelming and exhausting sometimes. If you've experienced a loss then you know what I mean.

I can't ever possibly go back to those first raw moments and relive our time together. It's physically and emotionally impossible. And while I think of them every single day, several times a day, my thoughts of them are different. I guess in some weird and completely invalid way I feel like because I don't grieve for them like I did that I don't love them enough. I do and I could never love them less but each birthday is a new experience for me. And while this is his 3rd, this is the 6th birthday between the two boys. They come every 6 months whether I'm ready for them or not.

I just don't want Jack's birthday or Sam's to ever be an after thought. I want them to know (and I know they do) that I love them with all my heart and I miss them just as much as I did when I first realized that they were not going to make it. But really I think it's more than that. I feel like I need to prove to others my love for them. I know this is crazy but it's all part of the game, right? It's all part of being the best mother you can be.

I live each day for them. And for myself. I can never move on and get over it, but I can move forward. I will try.

"I never did forget your birthday and I never will." ~Mother Bear (from Little Bear by Else Holmelund Minarik)
Happy 3rd Birthday Jack!

18 comments:

The Nanny said...

Happy birthday, Jack!

missing_one said...

Happy Birthday Jack! Your mama and daddy love you oh so much!

Tina said...

Happy Birthday little Jack! xx

Virginia said...

Happy Birthday, Jack!

Monica, he knows.

Marie W said...

Happy Birthday Jack! Sending you love and hugs Monica....

my3sons said...

Happy Birthday to Jack! Thinking of you all today:)

Rachel said...

There is no doubt in my mind that he knows you love him.

Happy birthday Jack!
Hugs Monica!

Sophie said...

Happy birthday to Jack! The many loving blog posts you've dedicated to them, and how little things remind you of them, are definitely evidence of your love for your little boys--it's an undeniable thing. :)

Becky said...

Happy birthday sweet Jack! They know how much you love them Monica. I truly believe that.

Kristi said...

Monica -they know!

Happy Birthday Jack

The Duchess of Wessex said...

Wishing your boy a happy birthday, and you, sweet girl, all the very best. Because that's exactly what you are. The very best. The very best mother, wife, and friend!

Your heart is always in the right place!

Remember to be kind to yourself...

Coleen's Recipes said...

As a mother (of nearly 38 years) I truly believe that the the MOST important things mothers do (and feel) for our children are the ones that go unsung. Our children and loved ones love us for the silent things we do for them...not always the things that are done in front of an audience (does that make sense?). A gentle touch...a nostalgic smile...a silent prayer for their well being. The private, yet monumental surrender of your heart is what makes a good mom.

With Out My Punkin said...

Happy Birthday sweet Jack! Monica they know how much you love them!

Hennifer said...

Happy Birthday Jack! You are so loved and remembered!

Heidi said...

Happy Birthday Jack! Thanks for the snow!

Monica, we never get over it, we get through it. They know how much we love them and miss them because they are forever a part of us. I often feel like everyone else has forgotten Lucas since Cameron came along so I feel as if I'm struggling to keep him in everyone's mind at some point during the year.

Reese said...

No one loves our babies like their mommas!

Happy Birthday Jack.

jaded said...

Happy Birthday, Jack! How I wish you were in your parents arms.

Grief is exhausting, I can't remember the first time I heard/read that, but it's so true. I used to think I had to keep their memory alive in the hearts of others, obviously I failed miserably when you consider my in-laws. I just concentrate on loving them every day and making them proud. Anything else is too much.

Hugs

froggy mommy said...

Happy Birthday Jack! Both of your boys know how very much you love them!